Reconcile to one child? Are two twice as hard? (long)

[sidmand]

Hmm. I've gone back and forth about posting this. I'm not even sure how best to ask or what I'm asking...

Let's start by saying, I never imagined myself as the mother of just one child. If it was any, it was always going to be at least two. The plan was to adopt (various medical issues in me, and we were both happy with the plan to adopt). So we started the process in April 2003. After three failed adoptions (all domestic) it seemed that perhaps that wasn't the way to go. In the midst of transferring agencies and transferring to an international adoption (and going to a high-risk pregnancy doctor), we found out that I was pregnant.

It is so amazing to have a little one and I am really enjoying (except the lack of sleep!) being a mom. All the reasons DH and I were looking at adoption are still there though and we thought we would move forward with adoption for the next baby. (Also, we both said we were very okay without having the newborn experience again!) So we talked in theory about reapplying in January 2007.

I started to think that I was no longer as gung-ho about adoption as I was, but that could definitely stem from many things. The adoptions that didn't work out, a new baby, pure tiredness, etc. But I started wondering if we should attempt to pursue another pregnancy (I am of advanced maternal age[!] now and still have the medical issues and now am more overweight though).

When I asked DH what he was thinking though, he said he would be happy with just one child. He had always thought two and always thought they would be through adoption, but once we had one, he sees how tough it is on our life and our time together and everything and thinks that another child would just be so much tougher. I totally understand what he's saying. I feel like we're just starting to get kind of a handle on things. And I'm still getting mad at him for little and stupid things that I didn't used to. I'm much quicker to get angry, but only at him, and I do think that has a lot to do with lack of sleep.

I just can't imagine only having one child. I know there's been a lot of discussion recently about deciding whether you were done with two or wanted three, but what about being done with one? I can hardly even type it because it just doesn't seem right to me at all. I know it's completely right for some families, but just seems wrong for me. On the other hand, I do see DH's point and we're already having trouble making time for ourselves together and separately. We were married for 10 years before DS came along and although we knew things were going to change, it has been difficult in many ways.

Financially we would be fine, but it's more emotionally. DH also wonders how I would contend with my business (self-employed) while being pregnant and chasing after a toddler. All vaiid points. There's also so much that we're just not getting done right now. He comes home from work and sometimes doesn't even get to see DS (who goes to bed somewhat early). And then there are always chores to be done or something to be done before it starts all over. I know DH feels that he missed out on months of DS's life and he doesn't want to be that kind of father. He feels that if there were two, he would just have no chance to be the kind of father he wants to be.

So, I'm not sure what I'm asking. Maybe, is it twice as difficult with two? For those that have one, but wanted two, is that always hard? Does it get easier when they get older or only different? If DH is adamant about only one, how do I reconcile myself to that?

Debbie

Mom to Sawyer!
http://lilypie.com/baby1/060607/0/3/1/-5/.png[/img] ([img)

[hudsonam]

I just wanted to say that I am going through the same thing right now, so I can totally relate. I never imagined just having one. I wanted at least 3, but resigned to having 2 which is what my husband wanted, but now we think we may be done with just one.

I guess you just know if you want another or not, when the time comes. Right now we aren't in a place to consider another (my son is 17 months, FWIW), so I'm just not going to think about it until one day we either know we want to TTC again or we know that DH needs to go get snipped. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly what you're going through, and I'm sure you'll figure out what's right for you.

Anne Marie

[omgrown]

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I can tell you that DH and I are going through much the same thing. We'd assumed (once we decided that we actually wanted kids) that we'd have 2 and that we'd want them close together (2-2 1/2 years). Now with a 19month old DS, neither of us is in any great hurry to have another. We too are self-employed so that is definitely part of the concern, although for us, financial issues are a huge, huge factor. Other than that though, I just can't really imagine life with another baby around. I'm really enjoying our time with DS and somehow can't really imagine him as a big brother (although occasionally I have those daydreams and I think he'd be a great big brother).
I've asked a few friends that are onlies what their experience was growing up and I get totally split responses, some loved it, some hated it. We do have great friends that are pretty much sure they're done at one so at least we know that our DS's will have each other as buddies (we live near each other and they're 4 months apart).
Anyway, I"m starting to ramble, but I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I don't think its so unusual to feel the way you're feeling and I think that you have plenty of time to think about it before deciding. We've basically decided to wait until DS is 2 before we start thinking about it and/or making a decision. You might find in a few more months, the answer will come to you.
Good luck!

[jbowman]

Hugs!

Although I haven't been the parent of two for very long, in my experience it hasn't been twice as difficult. In all honesty, having two has been easier than I thought it would be (not easy by any stretch, but easier). In fact, tonight I was sitting at the dinner table with Ellie (my older DD) while I held Alice, and I thought: how lucky Alice is that she has her older sister to entertain her. Alice's "babyhood" has been a lot more stimulating than Ellie's was! ;)

Of course this is a very personal decision; I am simply offering my thoughts.

[elliput]

I, too, am in a similar situation. Both DH and I would love to have another child, but we were married 12 years before DD came along and so considering all the circumstances (AMA, overweight, etc, etc - my story is almost exactly the same as yours. LOL!), we are very uncertain if we will be able to have a second biological child.

I am anxious to hear more replies.

[lilycat88]

My DH and I are both onlies so we really can't imagine having siblings. We've always planned on only having one. If there were an "accident" and we were to have another child, that child would be wanted and loved but we aren't planning another unless there is a birth control failure. Even with planning all along to only have 1, I do find myself with that "baby lust" every once in a while. DH has never wavered in his desire for just 1. I know that stopping at 1 is probably the best decision for us. Looking into my imaginary crystal ball, I don't see a family of 4 in there. This might seem sort of flippant and I don't mean it that way. When I get the baby lust, I sit down and sort of think of it like our wedding. Our wedding was wonderful and *almost* everything I could have hoped for. Of course, there were things I wish I had done differently or that didn't turn out exactly how I had planned. But, that doesn't mean that we should have another wedding.

In addition to not really being able to imagine life with another child, I can't help but think of all of the additional work. I don't think it would be TWICE as hard but my plate is so full now that I would be afraid something would suffer if we added another human being to the mix. I don't want family to suffer and I can't afford for work to suffer and the housework ALREADY suffers :-) so, one's good for us.

[jesseandgrace]

I'm sure i don't speak for everyone, but for me (and everyone I know IRL) having two is definitely NOT twice as hard. It isn't even close, and it might actually be easier. It was a shock for me to go from zero to one, and barely anything at all to go from one to two. I was not more tired, or any more busy. I was already giving 100%, so things just shifted a little. The newborn phase is always a little hard, but definitely easier the second time. My kids are really high energy, so it helps that they have eachother to play with. Sometimes I'm sure it is harder, but sometimes it is easier, so all in all it just sort of balances out. Good luck with whatever you decide!

[tiapam]

We have one and would like one more. I would actually like two more, but unless we have twins, I don't see that happening. I don't know what is considered advanced maternal age, but I think I am there (almost 37). Also, in my case, a small risk of heart problems for the baby will increase with each pregnancy. So if we get a helathy baby again, I don't think I can take the increased risk a third time would mean.

To me, your baby is still very much a baby. I think when he gets to be more of a toddler, things will become clearer to you. My DD is almost 20 months and it feels to me like she is really leaving babyhood behind now.

As far as difficulty, I just keep reminding myself that no matter how many you have they do get older and every year there will be less and less food on the floor!

-Pam

DD - One year old!

[Mommy_Again]

Here are two quotes I've heard recently:

The first is from Reece Witherspoon: "The stupidest thing I ever said was that I wanted ten kids before I even had one." Meaning, you can plan all you want for what you think your family will look like, but until you are actually living it, you just can't predict what life will bring you. So maybe the struggle for you is that you feel you are being disloyal to or cheating the dream you once had for your family life - but in reality, one child really is the right thing for you and DH (how's that for unsubstantiated psycho-babble?).

The other quote - I just read it recently, maybe in Cookie? - cant remember - "One child is an accessory. Two is a lifestyle." Shoot- come to think of it this was an article all about deciding how many kids to have. I will try to find it.

I too always thought I'd have two or three. Now DH and I are going through a rough patch and I am having to accept that I really might only have one. Or have my two pretty far apart, which isnt what I wanted to do. But I think you have to make choices in your life based on what is right for you at the time, and not try to fit a mold that you created when life was different. Keep giving it thought (and prayer, if that's your thing), and the answer will come to you.

[niccig]

We're thinking of stopping our family with DS. We're not 100% sure, we've still got all the infant baby gear in case we do decide to expand our family. Some of our reasons are similiar to yours and other posters. DH's work has the potential to get even crazier (9am-11pm or later) and he feels that he can still be the father he wants to be with DS, but he's not so sure if we have 2 kids. I'm a SAHM but I've started re-training for a new career, to achieve that will be several years of intense study. I don't think I can manage that and be SAHM to 2 kids. Some may consider that selfish, my mother does, but I've being unsatisfied in my life since college graduation and I now have a good chance of achieving what I've always wanted. I know I will regret not taking this chance. I think you have to factor in your needs, DH's needs, family needs, DC's needs etc into this kind of decision.

Part of me isn't completely reconciled to DS being an only, I have a great relationship with my 2 sisters, and DS may not experience that. DH has a closer relationship with friends than with his siblings, so he doesn't have a problem with DS not having siblings. However, we do agree that if we have DC#2 it's because we want to bring that child into the world for themselves and not for DS to have a sibling or playmate. At the moment, we don't feel we want to do that.

I'm rambling, but like you we go back and forth over this. I'm still "happy" to get my period every month, so I suppose that means I don't won't another chld for now...when that changes, then I suppose I do want another child...

Sorry, not much help.

Nicci

[C99]

At the risk of sounding like a know-it-all, please just give yourself some time. Sawyer isn't quite 1 yet -- you'll be amazed by how much he will turn into a little *person* in the next year. But to answer one of your questions: No, having 2 children is not twice the work. In some respects, it's harder because your attention is split between 3 people instead of 2, but in some ways it's an easy transition from 1 to 2 because your life and routines are set up to include a child or children.

[denna]

Reading this thread Im surprised by how many people (including you) our wondering this very thing. Because I have thought this over many many times. From reading your post it sounds like you really want another child, just stating that it is so hard to even write this post because you want another so much says alot. I am not an expert by any means my DS is only 7 weeks but I know I want another child. Not now of course :), but we are planning on trying to get pregnant when our son is 2-2 1/2. And after that I may stop or if I feel my family isn't quiet complete I'll keep going...possibly up to 4 (wow that seems like a lot now).
Things seem so tough right now for us too. And I have really felt the not having much time together...in fact me and my DH often talked about how different it was going to be when we had our DS (while I was pregnant) but now that he's here it just feels perfect!!! Not like my DH and I don't have time together but that we have a 3rd little person that fits right in the nook between us (sometimes literally). He is just a gorgeous baby and precious soul and I know that I want to have more, to watch them grow and develop and care for. I have always loved children since I myself was a child and I dreamed of being a Pediatrician. Now I'll help out my own chldren and hopefully in the future find some helpful cures or links using genectic research.
I know I sort-of rambled off and I apologize. You and your DH have a tough or easy decision to make (however you look at it) and I wish you the best. Sometimes you just have to listen to that little voice inside....

ETA I forgot to write this in...when my DH finally find the routine of having children and get it down Im thinking it won't be so bad, all you need is a good routine. :) (Im sure you already have one w/ a 7-month old, just thought Id add that)....

Hope all these posts help you and ((HUGS))....

[sidmand]

Thanks very much for all your replies and thoughts.

I know I have a little while (something just came up recently though where I thought I might be pregnant, so that kind of brought everything up quicker). But January isn't all that far away to start reapplying! So maybe we're not ready then.

I guess I *know* that I do indeed want two, but DH is happy with one and that's where we're stuck at the moment. But there is time. And maybe when Sawyer is older, DH will feel differently. I feel like we should be a family of four, but it's too big a decision if DH thinks we should only be a family of three. I'm not sure how to reconcile to that, but there's plenty of time. I like to worry though!:)

Debbie

Mom to Sawyer!
http://lilypie.com/baby1/060607/0/3/1/-5/.png[/img] ([img)

[Piglet]

Here is a quick test that I found helped open my eyes to the whole 1 vs. 2 vs. 3, etc. debate. If you found out you were pregnant today, what would your (or your DH's) reaction be? If you then determined you weren't pregnant, what would your reaction be? You said that you had a bit of a pregnancy "scare" - I find those situations to be real eye openers. For me, we started thinking of #1 when I was 2 days late one month. It got us really excited at the prospect, not scared or upset. It turned out I was not pregnant that month, but it also meant DH and I were on the same page regarding kids and we started TTC a few months later. #2 was an easy choice but we had to TTC a bit longer for him.

I have been in the 2 or 3 camp for months now (I posted the most recent question about it a few days ago, LOL). Suddenly, yesterday I got a job prospect - a possible job opening in a few weeks or months or longer... awesome job, great company. What was my next thought? It was the sense of loss because it meant that I would have to delay #3 if I wanted to wait around for this job. Suddenly I went from being on the fence to being firmly planted in the #3 camp. I will give the job prospect a few months, but then we are going for #3. I guess the benefit I have is that DH is fine with whatever number I am fine with. If we were in different places on this issue, it would be harder but it still helped me to see things clearly when I realized that a door suddenly closed on my choice and I was not happy with the door closing!

As an aside, 2 are not twice as hard as 1 - I felt 1 was totally overwhelming, whereas 2 was somehow manageable. Also, things do get a lot easier once your baby starts communicating, and that will happen in the next year. You might be in a better place with your decision once you are sleeping a bit better and your baby is a bit older. Finally, I am an only because my parents had secondary infertility. There were things I loved and things that I didn't love. You can make any family size work.

[maestramommy]

DH and I have always thought at least two, but that depends on how things go (if I can get pregnant again). We're really happy with DD but I think it would be nice to have someone for her to play/grow up with. I don't know if 2 are twice as difficult if you don't count twins, but I'm assuming it IS more work, esp. if one is still a toddler. I'm still scratching my head and trying to figure out how my mom dealt with 4! As far as workload and all the "can I/we handle it" goes, DH and I tend to be more of the don't worry about it now, when it comes we'll just deal with whatever we have to do. But everyone is different, and I don't have my own business either.

Don't know how old you are, but a coworker of mine and his DW adopted a baby when they were over 40. They're very happy to stick with one. He said if he had known how much energy it required they would've adopted a lot sooner. We know another couple that adopted a girl from China when they were in their 40's and they are also very happy with one, and the girl is a very bright active (maybe a little over-indulged but very sweet) child.

[pampamz]

I cannot relate to what you are going through, but can say IMO two are MORE than one but not twice the work.

My DC are spaced almost 3yrs apart so when the second one came we were far out of the baby-time and it has worked well for us. I wouldn't change it for the world.

Good luck w/your decision -- it does take alot of thought and consideration.

[cchavez]

"One child is an accessory. Two is a Lifestyle." That is pefect!!!

[o_mom]

Not really commenting on if one is right for you - everyone else has that covered. However, your question if two is twice as hard reminds me of a conversation I had once.

People were asking if it was harder to go from one to two or two to three. Most of the answers were along the lines of either "now you're playing zone-D" or "what's one more in the chaos". Someone then chimed in with "Neither can compare to the shock of going from zero to one!"

Once you have one, your life and habits have changed so much that it is not really a huge adjustment to have two. Your pace is already slower. You are an "old pro" so you spend less time worrying that #2 hasn't "regarded a raisin" like it says in the book he should be doing. You know what sleep cues look like so you are amazed at how 'low maintainance' a newborn seems.

I find with two some of the most amazing moments are watching DS1 'help' DS2. Watching them play peek-a-boo across the dinner table and generally seeing them become brothers. Having two has also meant that DH actually spends MORE time with them. He will take DS1 out to play so I have some time with DS2, or vice versa. DS1 is also to an age where he can 'help' with some of the chores so he spends more time with DH that way. Honestly, there will be chores and work to do regardless and it's not like you need double the free time to spend with two. You do things as a family.

HTH, and good luck!

[beckyr88]

Just so there's some dissent ;) , I'm going to have to say that I think two kids is definitely twice as much work. Not every day, but a lot of days. And it's enough extra work to make me not so sure about a third. In fact, after DD2 was born, I said "why would anyone ever want three?!"

It may be just the 3 year old that makes me so exhausted, I don't know. The first 3 months were really not so bad, the baby just nursed and slept, but since then, I've found it really hard.

[sbirmantaz]

I have to say I also thought going from 1 to 2 was even more than twice the work! BUT, my two are just under 14 months apart so I am sure that had a lot to do with it. I always thought I wanted 4 childern (pre-kids) and now I am reconciling to the real possibility that 2 is great for our family.
Sharon
dd #1 09/24/02
dd #2 11/19/03

[hudsonam]

These are great quotes!

[Expecting-girl]

I really don't have any advice - but wanted you to know that you are not alone!

We are struggling with the decision to TTC another child. Our DD will be 10 months old next week. Our biggest issue is the age factor. We had 2 miscarriages b/f DD was born. We are both over 40 and would love to have another child -- but really don't know if I could bear the thought of losing another one. Yet, my heart knows that I would love another baby.

So many hard choices - but we are happy beyond measure with our family right now. Only time will tell for us.

Sherida

[StantonHyde]

I will say that two are more than twice the work. Yes, the newborn phase was easier and yes, I am more relaxed and I know how to be a mom etc. But I am exhausted every day. My kids are 32 mos apart and my DS had a tough time with #2. 1 would have definitely been wonderful as far as me having enough energy etc. But I have always wanted 2--did NOT want to have an only child. I have heard people say that 3 put them over the edge. I just know i have two hands and my DH and I can each take a child. I am 41 so that has alot to do with me being so tired (so I tell myself:-) ) Your DS is only 11 mos--things will definitely change for you. I got pregnant when DS just turned two. I never thought I would be lugging around a 35 pound toddler when I was 38 weeks pregnant--but I did. It is very doable. You will get past the rough spots and then it gets more fun. Good luck making the decision that suits you and your family.

[jayali]

Gosh Debbie, I could almost have written this post. Our son just turned two and I am 43 (also overweight, but trying really hard to do something about that). I would LOVE for him to have a sibling, but am still on the fence. One, for me, is very easy and I know that two will be really hard for me to adjust to. DH is on the fence also so no help there. I just keep hoping that something will happen for me do make a decision. I do know that if we try for a second and can't conceive I will be OK with it because I am so VERY thankful for Matthew. But, something keeps nagging at me to try and go for it. A much tougher decision for us the going from zero to one.

I too think you should enjoy the stage you are at now. I completely understand your sense of urgency, but because of family issues I feel like I didn't get to enjoy Matthew's infancy and I regret that.

Good luck with your decision.

[Raidra]

I'm one of those rare people that had an easy first baby and a difficult second baby, so I'll share some of my thoughts on that. For me, going from zero to one was tough, but not that tough. I could still do a lot of what I wanted because it was just Colwyn I had to think about. He was always an easy baby, so life wasn't that difficult. That's probably why I got pregnant with Lachlann just after Colwyn's first birthday. :) Lachlann has been such a shock for me. He was absolutely miserable until he started crawling.. just very unhappy all around. Now that he can crawl, he's more independent and will play on his own or "with" Colwyn. Sleep wise, he's not doing nearly as well as Colwyn was at his age. And he won't let anyone other than me care for him at night. I still have days where nothing gets done and I end up in tears over this or that. So, for me, two is definitely more than twice the work, but it's actually been getting easier as Lachlann gets more mobile.

That said, I still want more kids. We probably won't start trying for our third until Lachlann is close to three years old or so. If our third is a boy, we'll probably stop there (I can't imagine having four boys!), but I'd like to have four if the third is a girl. We'll see. I'm young (almost 26) so we have plenty of time, luckily.

I like what someone said about imagining how you would react if you had a positive pregnancy test right now. Aside from a bit of shock, I would be thrilled. Sure, it wouldn't be my choice in timing, but I do want more babies.

I realize our situation isn't really the norm, but you never know what your kids will be like, and you have to imagine what it'd be like with a high-maintenance baby.

[newnana]

Wow, thanks Marina. That's a really good way to look at it.
As they were stitching me up from DD I actually said that I was ready to do it again and have meant it every second since. But DH has been terrified of the prospect. We were downstairs cleaning out the storage area of the basement when he spotted a pile of tubs in the corner and asked what they were. I replied that they were the things DD had outgrown. When he figured out that we were keeping them in case our next possibility was a girl he completely blanched and looked like he was going to puke. I knew right then and there we needed to talk some more. Obviously not the reaction I was expecting since he knew I was doing this, but it was a visual reminder to him of the possibility and this was a reaction on one of the many good days we have.

Like a pp, I wasn't saying that I wanted to jump right in TTC that day. In fact, the more DD has grown, the more I think that when she's 2 would be a better time to TTC than my original plan of having them closer together. DH was doing the all-consuming freak out of:
another child=another room= need another house
another child= more stress= less stable relationship for us
I need a job where the constant threat of travel isn't there
If I have a new job, what happens to the time table of me being pregnant in a new job and their FMLA program (because of the length of time at current company I get 12 weeks paid)
then there's all the other stuff about DD having changed our lives so drastically and his friends all saying that 2 is twice as hard- yeah right, I know his friends, their wives do all the work.

Whew, this turned into a B*tch and I didn't mean for it to. Anyway, we came up with a plan to ease his stress about having to make any decisions within the next few months and he's actually starting to come around. Just the other day he asked me what I thought of such and such name if we have another girl. I was floored, tried to hide it, and didn't freak out on him in excitement that the idea no longer made him want to gag.

Now we have to decide what the decision will be, but talking talking talking and more talking is the only way we're going to get there.

Let's hope any of us can figure this out!
Michelle

[egoldber]

I would give yourself time. There is no need to make a decision any time soon. I know many people who said their first would be their only, and then 3 or 4 years later changed their minds. A 4 year old is a whole different creature than a newborn or a one year old. In some ways it is much, much harder, but in other ways easier.

In the end, whatever spacing you have works for you. Originally I thought 2 1/2 to 3 years was ideal. When that didn't work out I thought that a 3 1/2 year spacing would be terrific. Now that I'm looking at a 5 year space, I can honestly see a ton of advantages to that space and very few disadvantages.

As for age, the risks associated with being pregnant in your late 30s vs early 30s are really not that different. Its not like 35 is a magic date where suddenly egg quality declines. Its a gradual process and it is different for everyone.

But it is a very tough decision. DH and I struggled very long and hard with the decision of whether or not to attempt a known high risk pregnancy. There are no easy answers.