Toddler and newborn, does it get easier?

[billysmommy]

Well the newness is wearing off in our house. I think the lack of sleep and just the changes in our house is starting to get to everyone.

Billy and I had such a great relationship before Benjamin came along and now I find myself losing patience with Billy over little things and having to constantly remind myself that he is only 3. He goes to school 2 days a week which is a big help and gives me some good snuggling time with Benjamin :)

I don't really know how to say what I feel - I guess the closest is that I just feel so guilty with what we've done to Billy, giving him a little brother. We have had friends come over to see Benjamin who haven't even acknowledged Billy and I see his face just get so sad so I make sure we have extra snuggle time. But then I feel awful if Benjamin starts to cry in the middle of it - This is Billy's special time so I can't just go pick him up but I don't want to just let him cry either. I just feel like I need an extra pair of arms/hands and we'll be all set. I have found that the days we get out of the house for awhile are MUCH better for Billy and I than the ones where we don't so we have been trying to get out everyday.

I'm sure there are other moms who have had these same feelings - any tips/advice for us? Even just reassurance that it will get better sometime :)

[Puddy73]

Hang in there, it gets much better! Lack of sleep makes everything so much harder, IMO, so I hope that improves for you soon.

Since it is difficult to get the one-on-one time that you want with DS #1, you might want to try involving him with your care of DS #2 whenever possible. For example, read him a story while you are feeding DS #2, or ask him to bring you a burp cloth or a diaper. I found my DD to be surprisingly helpful about fetching things.

We also make a big deal about DD's new status as a big sister. Whenever anyone would come to visit the baby, we would be sure to mention what a great big sister she was and how much DS loved her, etc.

It is a difficult balancing act in the beginning, but when your DC start to interact and smile at each other, you will just melt, I promise!

Jennifer
Mommy to Annabelle 9/08/03 & Finn 10/31/05

"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." - Jimmy Buffett

[Rachels]

It will get better. I still have those days, honestly. It took me a good four months to feel like I had any kind of grip on parenting two children well simultaneously. It's HARD. I was totally taken aback by my feelings of frustration and resentment toward Abigail. The truth is, though, that when you have a snuggly and perfect newborn and an acting-out three year old, it's really a no-brainer which one you'd prefer to be around. But feeling those things in relation to your beloved child is agonizing. I've shed many tears over it, myself.

He's seven months now and I think things have been on a pretty even keel for a while. I still feel like Abby gets the short end of the stick sometimes, but I've dispensed with the feeling that I'm an utter failure as a parent.

The sleep deprivation is the worst thing. Ethan slept like a dream for six months, and I was rested enough to keep up with Abby's energy. Now his reflux has flared up and he's waking every ten seconds, and I'm just too tired to function as well as I'd like. I don't know the answer to that.

Luckily, she seems to be hanging in there. At any rate, we're all trying our best and she and Ethan absolutely love each other. You're not alone on this ride, I promise.

-Rachel
Mama to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amethyst_36m.gif
Nursed for three years!

and Ethan James
10/19/05
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.jpg


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya

[dhano923]

It's tough! My kiddos are 25 months apart and there are days when I feel really overwhelmed. Luckily, DD is a great sleeper (been sleeping through the night since she was 2 days old!) so I don't have the lack of sleep part, but I still have a hard time juggling my time some days.

One thing we did before DD was born -- I went to the dollar store and bought small toys for DS -- little race cars, coloring books, puzzles, etc. I wrapped them up and kept them in the closet. Whenever someone came to see the baby, I would give DS a "gift" too so he wouldn't feel left out. I think visitors just don't think that the older child(ren) can feel jealous when the baby is getting the attention. My DS was/isn't jealous of the baby, but several of my friend's kids had a hard time dealing with a new sibling.

Don't feel guilty for dividing your time -- it's all a part of the process. Billy needs time to adapt too -- he's had all your attention all this time and now there's a new kid in town. I have DS "help" me when I'm doing something with DD. If I'm feeding her, I purposely leave the burp cloth on the table so I can ask him to get it for me, when I'm changing her diaper I ask him to get me a clean diaper, etc. It makes him feel like he's contributing to the situation.

I also agree that the days we go out are more enjoyable. My husband just got back from a 2 1/2 week overseas business trip and I was alone with the kids! I made it a point to get out a little every day, even if it was just to the drive thru ATM (which yes, I did do a couple times). LOL

[pampamz]

It does! My first week after DH returned to work was pure agony. 3yo DS reverted back to baby behaviour, I had DD hanging off me doing the walk & nurse as I chased her brother. I had several major meltdowns including one where I was on the phone begging DH to leave work and come save me.

But, not too long into it (realistically, maybe 4 weeks PP) we really got into a routine and ever since then it is BUSY but I love it. Having DS around is so much company for me -- when he is at preschool for 3 hrs the house is so quiet, and I don't really get anything more accomplished. His lil' sister loves and adores him.

It's great -- hang in there -- you are really in the early days which is tough even with one, right? I find getting out at least once a day, even just to drive to get a coffee and put on a CD while I drive around "my dream neighbourhoods" gets us all in a better mood.

Congrats, BTW!

[AmyZ]

Hugs to you Lori!

I once read a tip in a parenting magazine that suggested putting a sign on the door requesting that visitors greet the older child first before spending time with the baby. I'm sure some smart mama can come up with a creative, fun way to say that!

Amy Z

"Ma!" to Eliana 2/04 - She's 2!
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

[StantonHyde]

Lori:

The bottom line is that DC #2 is not just double the work--it is exponentially more. I was OVERSWHELMED. DS went through 2 months of anger, which I could deal with. And then the whining started. That is when I lost it. (and we started phase 2 of a remodel 4 mos after DD was born and I went back to work--a little stress???) I actually yelled at DS twice and knew I needed help. I got a referral to a GREAT child psychologist and DH and I talked to her 1x/mo for 3 mos and she just gave us ideas on how to decrease the household stress level, to make DS feel more connected and secure, and she told me I was normal:-) So I made sure that I read DS a story at wakeup time, nap and bed time. And I really "sold" it as our special time. I bought cheap little things at the dollar store and wrapped them so I would have lots of presents when people gave the baby one and not him. I hid all packages sent to the baby so they could be opened when DS was not around/awake. DH spent more time with DS. I found that if I took 15 minutes to really focus on DS, then he was ok for me to spend the next 30-45 mins with DD. And then there were new videos:-)

DS was in school/daycare 3 days/week, so I put him in for 4. When I went back to work I kept that schedule so that I get one day with just DD. The 3-4 days I have off, we are out of the house EVERY morning by 10. I get my coffee and we do things that keep DS occuppied. The first month or two, we went to the park alot and I would just run around with DD attached to my boob (with a Can't a Peek over her)and me trying to keep DS from killing himself on the climbing equipment or pushing him on the swing. Many parents took pity on me and helped with DS. (I have done the same for other new moms) Make a list of everything you can do with both children--grocery shopping, parks, museums, etc. DD got dragged EVERYWHERE and did just fine. I found that if I could keep DS busy I had just enough energy to handle both at once. DS was not interested in helping with DD--but by 6 mos or so he would say she was his sister:-)

DD will be one next week. The kids do some parallel play. DD is actually the bigger problem because she torments her brother:-) DS understands when I have to spend time with DD. It definitely gets better!!!

[jennifer13]

You are in the hardest stage! 6 months was the turn around time for us. I always felt that no one was getting their needs met very well. But now it's a lot better than it was, and the rewards start to increase as a relationship builds between the sibs. Meanwhile you really have to let go of mommy guilt. It's hard, but it's the only way to survive. Hang in there! It will get better!!!!!
Jennifer
Mom to Norah 5/23/03
and Leah 3/24/05

[JacksMommy]

I can honestly say that giving Jack a little sister is one of the best things we've done for him. Now that DD is older, they play together and it's awesome to see them having fun just the two of them.

Obviously an infant isn't of much interest to Billy right now (unless you can involve him in the care of his little brother - handing you dipes, wipes etc, but some kids aren't interested in that) but he will start having fun with his little brother one Benjamin gets more interactive, possibly as early as 4 mos.

Meantime, if you don't have a sling to put your little in, get one now! That can be a big help for holding Benjamin while not ignoring Billy. We also did the story time for DS at every feeding for DD and that was a hit.

Getting out of the house for activities is also great, so I'm glad you're doing that.

I haven't actually heard much evidence that Billy is having a hard time (other than being sad when visitors ignore him, which is understandable - it would be perfectly reasonable to prep visitors ahead of time on this one). Sometimes our mommy guilt makes us think our kids are suffering when they are actually OK with it. So take an objective look at how he is doing/acting and see where he is having difficulty. Then you can make a game plan if you need one.

Finally, related to the above, lack of sleep often makes me obsess on
problems and make them bigger than they really are. So more than likely, this will get a lot better when you start getting more sleep since you will have more patience and a brighter outlook.

Hang in there, mama, it sounds as though you are doing a great job. Keep us posted!

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04

[maestramommy]

I am totally going to save this thread because even though we're still on 1 DC I wonder the same thing! I actually wonder if we can sustain everything we do with DD (music class, playdates, walks) with the 2nd child. It's one of the reasons I resisted signing up for more activities. Like I said in the another thread, I can't imagine how my mom managed 4 DCs!

[billysmommy]

Thanks :)

We did get the little gifts for him so when people brought the baby gifts we would have something for him but he just isn't interested in his gifts (even though they are dinosaurs, his favorite thing in the whole world) He wants to have the baby clothes and the mobile and whatever toys people are giving Benjamin. But then by the next day he is happily giving them to Benjamin saying "Look what your big brother got you" so I'm not sure if it's because he wants the toy or that he wants to be the one to give them to him.

We have also tried having him bring me things, diapers, wipes, burpcloth, etc but he purposely brings me the wrong thing so that isn't really working/helping.

We blew his bounce house up today and that really seemed to help the situation today. We really played up the fact that he can only do it because he is a big boy and that Benjamin is too little to bounce. I think it finally hit home today that being the big brother isn't all bad :)

[billysmommy]

>The truth is, though, that when
>you have a snuggly and perfect newborn and an acting-out three
>year old, it's really a no-brainer which one you'd prefer to
>be around. But feeling those things in relation to your
>beloved child is agonizing. I've shed many tears over it,
>myself.


This is exactly what I'm having the hardest time with. Billy is not acting out more than he used to, it's just that with less sleep and trying to juggle everyone's needs, I have less patience with him.
I miss the total snuggly days from when Billy was a newborn and I really look forward to his naptime so I can just snuggle with Benjamin and enjoy him without worrying about Billy's feelings. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one shedding tears over this :)

[billysmommy]

Thanks for the suggestion of using feeding time as story time. Now that we're not having to re-latch and keep him awake during his feedings, I think that will work out great. Billy's big job was to tickle Benjamin's toes while I fed him so he would stay awake but now that causes him to look around and take me with him :(

[billysmommy]

You're right, the early days are tough even with just one. I have to remind myself of that. I miss the whole "sleep when the baby sleeps", if only it were that easy this time.

[billysmommy]

I like this idea :) Two of our really good friends came to see Benjamin and they both have multiple kids, one has 2 and one has 3 and they are the ones who didn't say anything to Billy. DH and I were so surprised because they had already gone through this and used to complain that no one did this for their older kids.

[billysmommy]

I like the concept of his "special time". Reading is one of Billy's favorite things so we are really going to play that up.

[billysmommy]

I can't wait to see them start to interact with each other and to watch their whole relationship build. Thanks :)

[billysmommy]

My slings are my lifesavers :) I honestly don't know what I would do without them right now, especially at the playgrounds.

I definately think the lack of sleep is a huge part of how I'm feeling as I always feel overwhelmed and lose my patience easier when I'm tired. I can't wait to get more :)

[billysmommy]

I have friends who have 6, all under age 5. I have no idea how they do it.

[Rachels]

Babysitters! No kidding. I've started having morning sitters for Abby so that I can take a nap when Ethan does. It makes me a better parent in the afternoon because I am refreshed rather than exhausted, and it does Abby good to have someone focusing exclusively on her.

-Rachel
Mama to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amethyst_36m.gif
Nursed for three years!

and Ethan James
10/19/05
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.jpg


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya

[MamaKath]

((((Lori)))) First off you are a great mom, and it is very hard to adjust!!!! It will get better as you all get more into a routine and as both boys get, well I guess just get different. You know as they change. The first few weeks is HARD! I remember wondering who this mama bear was who came out all protective of a new baby and grouchy towards my first baby.

Couple little things to help-
*When company comes to visit, have a little something (little wrapped dollar store gifts if they bring a gift for the baby, that there is a gift for him) sitting to give to Billy.
*Take photos of the company with Billy. This will also *force* some interaction between your friends and Billy. You can make a scrapbook for both boys with these "people who love you both very much" pictures.
*Encourage Billy to help with the baby. Let him get the diapers, sing a lullaby, etc.
*Let him "read" to the baby. Either from a familiar story book or give him a blank journal book or photo album. Let it be his "Magic" book- only he can read the special story in it to his brother. ;-)
*Become really proficient at using a sling to hold the baby so you can then focus on Billy much more. It can be your extra hands.

Just remember to hug them both when you have the chance. This is a rough adjustment for a family, but one that you will come through. Your sons are blessed to have a great mom and to each have a brother.

[lizajane]

no time or brain power to read all the answers...

but wanted to say that while i have no brain power because i have a 1 year old and 3 year old and that it is still totally exhausting...

IT IS SO AMAZING WHEN THEY START TO PLAY TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!

i call it "being brothers." mostly, schuyler wants to play with dylan and dylan wants to run around and climb things (like mommy...) but every now and then, dylan calms down enough to just roll around and giggle with schuyler and then i melt into a giant lump and remember why i had two.

[Momof3Labs]

Lori, you're at the point that I was when I didn't know if we'd pull through. Don't forget that, on top of sleeplessness, your hormones are still raging! 6 weeks was almost a magical point for us. All of a sudden, I could see that it was going to work out fine. And now that my boys are starting to interact (big brother is sooooo funny!) it is all worth it (even when Colin whines and Logan chimes in out of "sympathy")!!

I have to say, though, that it is plain rotton of people to come over and not acknowledge Billy. IMO, it's not necessary to bring a present to the older sibling (Colin enjoyed opening Logan's gifts for him, too), but to not acknowledge him? Those aren't the people that you want to surround yourself with for now.

My mom has reminded me that at some point, a first child needs to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them, and that's okay. So, we've kept that in mind lately - sometimes Colin has to wait, and sometimes Logan has to wait, and it is a healthy thing for both of them to learn.

And getting out every day does help, even if it is just a walk or a trip to the park!

[mom to little e]

>Billy's big job was to tickle Benjamin's toes while I fed him
>so he would stay awake but now that causes him to look around
>and take me with him :(

Lori - that is so sweet! It made this (hormonal) mom to a 2 1/2 yr old and 4 1/2 month old cry!


We had some of the same challenges. We made a huge deal out of being big brother (the baby "bringing" him toys from the hospital, a special tee shirts, etc) and really got DS involved and he loves the chance to help. He has now started imitating how I speak to the baby if she is fussy, "it's okay baby, we're here..." So cute in the squeeky little voice!

Good luck getting some sleep - that helps out SO much!

Maryann
Mommy to Ean & Mia!

[StantonHyde]

oh-forgot to note. My DS loved the Berenstein Bear book about the new baby. He really related to that book. He will also read the baby simple pix book--I almost died/cried when I saw that. I praised him all over the place and called my mother and told his father--all within ear shot of him. I also picked up the Happiest Toddler on the Block book and found some good ideas in there. And I went back and forth between I can't stand the 3 yo to "wow, he is such an amazing kid". I am slowly (now that DD is 1) starting to get more alone time with DS--he is soooo much fun and soooo cute when he is by himself. I am jealous that DH gets all this alone time with him. He cracks me up!!

Anyway, you have a lot of good ideas here, just wanted to add those 2 more tips.