Advanced Maternal Age . . .

[jayali]

So I am sitting here reading the responses to Debbie's post about one versus two kids. We are in the same boat one child on the fence about a second. I was wondering if you all feel that a certain age is too old for you to TTC.

The reason I am looking for responses to this is because I am 43 and we are thinking about our second. I was 41 when Matthew was born and am really feeling the pressure about a decision for number two. My college roommate is TTC and she is 45. So I was just wondering how other people felt about age and family planning.

I really don't want to start a debate and I do know that as you age the chances increase tremendously for birth defects. We miscarried our first because of trisomy 21, I was 39. I really am just looking for peoples views and life experiences.

[ribbit1019]

I am only 28 now, but I told DH we weren't having any after I was 35. This is mostly because I don't want a HUGE gap in between the kids and well I can just see myself wanting to be done with the whole pregnancy/childbirth/infant stages around then.

DH is settled with two right now. I would really like a couple more in a 3-4 years. I am taking the wait and see stance on that.

Christy
My Waterbabies
Maddy 6/9/04
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& Jarred 3/8/06, 14 lb 24 1/2" @ 10 wks, a happily breastfed babe.
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[dogmom]

I'm expecting my second at 40, my DH is 43. I could have stopped with one. (pregnancy that is) If I hadn't gotten pregnant this fall I would have adopted a toddler or older child in a few years. We started trying to have kids after only being married for 2 years, and together for less than three years total, because as my husband says, "I don't want to be 60 with teenagers." I think it is something to really think about. I just had a really great patient, dying of metastatic cancer, in his mid 70's. He has a son that looks about 19-20, just starting college, from a second marriage. He's been very involved in his father's care and supporting his mother, but I know my patient would have rather his son not be there watching him die. Although it can happen at any time, I don't want my kids picking out my nursing home before they hit 30. I'd also like a few years between college tuition and my body completely falling apart. I got to admit with this pregancy I feel like my body is telling me, "Excuse me, maybe you didn't get the memo, but the next big thing on the reproductive agenda was menopause!"


Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03
& Eve
EDC 6/18/06

[maestramommy]

DD was born when I was practically 37, and we will being TTC again when I am 38. We hadn't been together long before getting married so we wanted some time together first. Now I just want DD to be physically more mobile/independent before #2. Right now I think my chances are pretty good, but you never know. However, we didn't want to hurry things because of fear (of all the issues with age). That said, DH says the only thing that makes it a little sad is that he'll be looking at retirement when DD hits college. Otherwise we don't regret our ages one bit.

ETA: If I had gotten married in my 20's, I would've never had this wonderful teaching job that I LOVED for 8 years. I would've missed out on a ton things. Like DH, for one thing :-). Not saying this to be selfish, but by the time we were TTC I felt like I had done enough things that I can probably never do now.

[Roleysmom]

Fifty is the age that comes to my mind. I realize that having a child at that age would most likely be through adoption, but for me the question is more about at what age would you feel done with adding a child to your family, regardless of the circumstances of how that child joined your life.

If you asked me this question 25 years ago, you would have gotten a very different answer. My mother was 43 when she delivered me and my father was the same age. When I was a teen, I was very vocal about my feelings that it was awful to have an older parent and that I would never be old when I had a child. My reasoning was very simple. The older you are when you have a child, the younger that child will be when you die. It's important to note here that I was nine when my dad died. My mother's only response was that most people don't die at 53 and that it would have been an awful blow no matter how old I was. And that there are lots of other factors that come into play. I didn't believe her at the time, but now I understand it a little better. My siblings were in their early 20s when my dad died and I think that separate from losing a parent as a child, which can be a life-altering event, that age ranks second as one of the worst times to lose a parent.

I was parentless by the time I was 31, and while I think these experiences have shaped who I am, I'm not completely defined by them.

Despite my assurance that I would never ever be an older parent, we didn't have Roley until 35 and if we have a second, I would be 40 at the youngest. At this point, my fears rest on the higher chances of developmental delays in a pregnancy in my 40s and not on the fact that I might die when my children are young. Go figure. I'm sure I can hear my mother's laughter!

Paula
Mom to Roley Julia, January '02

[egoldber]

Well, what OBs mean by AMA is 35.

My plan was to have 2 children in my early 30s and be done. I had Sarah at 32, and thought wow that was easy, let's do it again. I did NOT want to have children after the age of 35. Well, life has not worked out the way I planned. I was 36 when I had Leah. I will be 38 when this baby is born (knock on wood). I never saw myself giving birth at 38, and well, here I am.

I now have a mental block about being pregnant and giving birth after 40. But you know, I am no longer ruling it out because you never know what life is going to deal out to you. I am now a firm believe in never say never. You really do NOT know what you will do until you are actually faced with that situation. You may think you know, but you don't.

[tina-t]

I was 37 when I had ds and am now 40 when I deliver this second baby. I did not meet dh until I was 32 and got married at around 34. We had to live separately for a while because of the job situation and did not TTC until I was around 35. Unfortunately, it was not as easy as we thought it would be. It took a while and we had one mc before ds and another mc before our second child.

If circumstances were different, I think I would have preferred to have kids earlier rather than later. I probably would have more energy and may ( or may not) have had so many problems with TTC. I'm pretty sure that we will stop after the second child. My body just feels tired and old, lol.

[sidmand]

I don't think I have a certain age, although like a PP mentioned, 50 seems *old* to have a new baby, but I think it's more how healthy you are and what you can handle. A newborn is tough--harder than I ever would have thought! But if you're emotionally and physically prepared for that, I think to some extent that age is relative.

Maybe when I was younger (I'm 35 now, just missed AMA with DS!), I would've been better physically, but definitely not emotionally. If I had had DS 10 years ago, I was still too selfish and not ready to change the way I would've needed to. I feel like now was the perfect time for me to have DS (and DH feels much the same way).

As far as your parents not being around because they're older--that is a valid point. My cousin had her first when she was 36 and her DH was 50. But anything can happen. My parents had me when they were 27 and my Mom died in a freak (the doctor's terminology, not mine) heart attack when she was 52. Granted I was *grown up* by then and it's not the same as if she died when I was in my formative years, but she's still not here to see DS and to be a part of my life.

So, I don't think I would let age itself stop me. If I felt like I could handle it and my body could handle it, I don't think I think of a certain age.

Debbie

Mom to Sawyer!
http://lilypie.com/baby1/060607/0/3/1/-5/.png[/img] ([img)

[daniele_ut]

>I now have a mental block about being pregnant and giving
>birth after 40. But you know, I am no longer ruling it out
>because you never know what life is going to deal out to you.
>I am now a firm believe in never say never. You really do NOT
>know what you will do until you are actually faced with that
>situation. You may think you know, but you don't.

Well said, Beth. I am in a similar position, though a little younger. I had planned to have my first baby before I turned 30, and ended up being 30 when I had her. We planned to wait about 2 years and have another, then 2 years and another and be done when I was 35. Well, we were dealt a very different hand and I was pregnant again 9 months after Kiely died. Now, I'm 33 and we're still not ready to TTC again. I'm pretty sure that I will be pushing 40 by the time we get to #4, which I never anticipated, but we will just take things as they come, I guess!

[pb&j]

I hear ya, sisters. Life is what happens while you're making other plans, right?


-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

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[1ceng1]

I just turned 28 with DD #1 (DH was 30), and had DD#2 at 30. We both have the thinking that we could either do this (become parents that is) while we were young and then have more freedom when we were in our late 40s to travel, or be free in our 30s and raise kids into our 50s. We chose the former. I get asked if I would go for a third, and, frankly, one thing that makes me not want to have a third is b/c I feel we are too old (I'm 31, DH 33). Maybe it's b/c my mom was done with her family of 3 kids by the time she was 30, maybe it's b/c all of my younger sister's friend are now starting to have babies, maybe it's b/c most of my friends are done with babies, I just feel we are too old.
However, I don't know how I would have felt if I got married in my mi- to late- 30s, it would have been a totally different story I'm sure.

[phirey]

I was 32 when I had my first, 35 with my second. I had an IUD placed at my 6 week postpartum exam and intend to keep it in five years until I'm 40, then we're going to try one more time.

My fears lie less with the risk of congenital defects as with those Paula (Roleysmom) pointed out. My mom was 31 when I was born, Dad was 37.

I was embarrassed of my parents, they seemed an entire generation older than my friends' parents -- they had stricter rules, wore fuddy-duddy clothes, etc. I was an angry teenager and I took it out on them. Of course I regret that now. So I swore I wouldn't be an "old" mom. But even moreso, my fears lie with my own mortality. I don't have good genes: Mom died just days after my 19th birthday. Dad died when I was 27.

As I look to bear kids even older than they were when they did, I pray my genes won't catch up with me. I know I could die tomorrow on the interstate... but still, I can't imagine leaving my girls alone. I mean, if I were to die at my mom's early age of 49, that child will only be eight. So am I being selfish to want a third child in five years? Or hopeful? I don't know, and that's an idea/fear I'll struggle with over the next few years.

[buddyleebaby]

Different things work for different people.
I for one, want to be done by the time I am thirty. My dh has a 20 and out job, so he will retire at 40 or so, just around the time by dd will be entering college. I think it will be nice that by the time we are in our mid-forties, all our children will be grown, or at least nearly grown. And I don't feel like we rushed because my dh and I were married for 3 years before we had dd, and together for 7. We were ready to be parents. It worked for us.
That being said, we get a lot of raised eyebrows when people find out our age, and a lot of people assume we had a shotgun wedding.
My brother on the other hand, is of the opinion that you should be absolutely financially set before even considering children. He does not want to get married until he can afford a nice nig house, car, private tuition, etc. And he has a point-it would be nice not to worry about those things. He is not planning to marry his girlfriend for another 4 years or so, which will put him in his early thirties, and then wait a few years to have children. They have been dating for 8 years now.
And then there's the unexpected. What IF I had trouble conceiving? What IF at age 38, my arms ached for just one more? I think I would have to re-evaluate, no matter how well thought out my original plan had been.
There is no magic number. You may have reason after reason why another baby does not make sense, but until the day you can truly say you are at peace with having no more children, biological or adopted, you're not done.
Then again, I've never been one for practicality.

[EllasMum]

Hi everyone - reading through this thread made me remember a funny part from When Harry Met Sally, when Meg Ryan is upset that her ex-boyfriend has remarried. She is crying and says her biological clock is ticking. She says that men don't understand because it's different for them (not exact quotes - but it's the gist):

"Charlie Chaplin had babies in his 70's!!"

Billy Crystal replies:

"yeah but he was too old to pick them up!" :)

Not intended to make light of the issue at hand - I think we've all thought about how our DC would figure into our lives. Just a little humour. :)

[tarabenet]

This is actually a very sensitive topic for me and my DH. I avoided this thread for a while, but finally had to come read it. And now I feel compelled to respond.

I will be 41 very soon, and DH and I are still TTC, hoping for a first baby. I always thought I would have lots of kids, and start sometime in my late 20s. I have finally figured out, though, that life is not about your plans, life is about making the most of what comes your way. My soulmate and I didn't find each other until 7 years ago, and there were other things that had to be taken care of before we could come to this point, so here we are.

DH was the child of a second marriage for both of his parents. He was quite a surprise to his 45-year-old parents, but they were thrilled. They both told me stories about how special their late-in-life child was. They felt like they were able to really just enjoy him, that their maturity gave them an ability to relax and let him develop, rather than nitpicking (you'd have to know my MIL) and herding like they did with their other boys. His older brothers, 14 and 15 when he came along, also loved him dearly. He does say that there were things he felt he missed by having older parents, but since the alternative was never having been born, he figures his older parents were as much a blessing for him as he was for them.

Yes, I worry about having a baby with special challenges. I worry a lot. Last cycle I had a very early miscarriage, and I'd be a fool not to figure that was related to the age of my eggs. But what is the alternative? To give up forever on what I always *always* believed and expected I was meant to do? To close down the possibility of a blessing like my DH coming into the world? I just can't live with that alternative. And yes, we've looked into adoption, but for many many reasons, we choose not to pursue that at this point.

ETA: My father and mother both buried parents when they (my folks) were in their 60s. I stood beside them while they did it. I stood by my DH when, in his 40s, he buried his father. Didn't look to me like it was easy for any of them, regardless of their age.

[buddyleebaby]

I am very sorry for your loss. A miscarriage hurts, no matter how early, and especially so when a baby is so very wanted.

[tarabenet]

Alicia, you are very sweet. It happened so very early, though. Biologically, it was a miscarriage, but emotionally, it wasn't the same thing. I have not been through that heart-wrenching experience, and I can't pretend that I understand what so many of my friends here and IRL have been through. But, again, thank you for you kind thoughts.

Benet

[chiqanita]

DH and I were married 13 years before we were blessed with our twins. It just wasn't meant to be, I thought. I remember telling DH "when I hit 39 we're not going to try anymore because I don't want to be pregnant at 40." Can you guess what happened? I got pregnant in Dec 2003 and turned 40 two months later!

I KNOW this is how it's supposed to be, I wouldn't have been the mom I am today 10 years ago. Same goes for DH. We're thankful for the time we had together to do what we wanted to do. Now we can focus completely on our two blessings. Sure, we get tired but I think it has to do with having 2 toddlers...and boys at that!

What is too old? I think that is completely up to the individual.

[bubbaray]

I had DD at 37. I thought we would be "done" with #2 before I turned 40, but after my m/c in January, that was not to be.

So, now my "finish before 40" rule, is being replaced with a "finish while 40" rule.

My high-risk OB, my GP and my RE all assure me that 40 is nowhere near the upper limit for being too old to do this baby-making stuff.

As for being too old when my child/ren are teens, well I think that most teens are completely embarassed by their parents, regardless of their ages.




Melissa

Maya Papaya!
http://lilypie.com/baby2/040411/3/4/1/-8/.png[/img][/url]

[psophia17]

I haven't given this topic much though, any more than to think that I want to have all of my children, no matter how many there are, somewhat close together in age, but I thought I'd mention for any mothers out there who do fall in the AMA category that my maternal grandmother had her last child (of 9) when she was 47. For her generation, she was late to marry, and very late to have children, but it happened, and all of her children were healthy.

[Puddy73]

I think the final cutoff age is different for everyone, depending on your circumstances. I don't think that it is selfish to have a child just because you are older. My mom had children at 20, 24, 25, 39 and 43 (I was the third). She says that she had more energy, but less patience when she was a young mom. Both my parents say that the two "oops babies" keep them young, and that they are able to worry less and just enjoy them.

Jennifer
Mommy to Annabelle 9/08/03 & Finn 10/31/05

"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." - Jimmy Buffett

[JBaxter]

Well I had Logan @ 24 Connor @ 27 and Nathan at 36. I had a m/c last year and we really would like one more. I dont feel like Im almost 39 and dont have any problem having a baby at 40. Im happier and more financially secure now and I think that makes me a better mom :)

[mom to little e]

>As for being too old when my child/ren are teens, well I think
>that most teens are completely embarassed by their parents,
>regardless of their ages.
>

LOL!!

Maryann
Mommy to Ean & Mia!