Tips on teaching 911, stranger-danger, etc. to preschoolers?

[lisams]

I'm feeling like it's time to start teaching DD some of these important life skills. The ones on the top of my list are using 911, what to do if an adult tries to get her to go with them and about inapropriate touches.

I'm looking for tips and resources about how to handle these topics in a way that doesn't promote fear and that is developmentally appropriate for her age. She's 3.5 years old and is very outgoing. I could see her being easily lured in by an adult. She strikes up conversations with complete strangers (like the cashier, person in line behind us, etc.). I love that about her, but it also scares me to death!

We touch on these things here and there but I would like to address them a little more formally - maybe role playing some situations or reading a book about them.

So, throw some tips out at me or if you know of any great resources that would be great!

Thanks!

[kedss]

My DS is almost 2 and a half and is very outgoing too. He isn't really verbal yet, so its hard for us to start teaching him things like that yet.

But, I would suggest just having a notebook or paper that is always in the same place that has your important numbers written down, and maybe just sitting down with her and explain to her that not all people are nice, and that she really shouldn't talk to people she doesn't know, unless you are with her and know the people. I know its hard not to feel like you are making her not trust people, but at this age, its so hard for them to understand that there are people who will hurt kids.

I look forward to reading other posts too!

[samiam]

A phenomenal resource on stranger danger stuff is a book called "Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and their parents sane) by Gavin DeBecker. It was around $11 and I got my copy from Amazon.com - can't say enough good things. It doesn't addresse teaching 911 but talks about strangers, sexual abuse, etc. Also has lists of questions to ask of schools, babysitters, etc.

[american_mama]

Here are some other posts on this. Karen (stillplayswithbarbies)recommends a particular program in the first thread which sounds very comprehensive:

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=37&topic_id=259992&mesg_id=259992&listing_type=search

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=37&topic_id=255954&mesg_id=255954&listing_type=search

[bubbaray]

I just ordered Protecting the Gift, the Safety Side DVD and a couple of books from Amazon.ca:

It's My Body: A Book to Teach Young Children How to Resist Uncomfortable Touch - Lory Freeman

The Right Touch - Sandy Kleven

Thanks for posting this question -- I've been meaning to pick up some books on this subject for DD and your post prompted me to quit burying my head in the sand! Horrible subject, but necessary to deal with unfortunately.

Thanks again.
Melissa

Maya Papaya!
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[brittone2]

I was going to recommend this book as well. I haven't read it myself but have heard it is a great book and have seen the author speak before.

I think there is some debate about whether to use "don't talk to strangers" anymore as there are some experts that say there are a multitude of problems with that approach (although that's what most of us were raised with). I think the experts say that mostly because a child is much more likely to actually *know* the molester (coach, neighbor, relative, family friend, etc.) than the molester being a stranger. Also if kids get lost, you want them to be comfortable finding someone (likely a stranger) to get help if necessary. I've heard it recommended that you tell them to look for a woman with children (statistically better odds that your child wouldn't be in danger with that person if they went to them for help, and more likely that they would actually get helped).

THey've also done undercover investigations where they've shown that kids can repeat over and over not to talk to strangers, but sadly as soon as a man or woman shows them a pic of a missing puppy, the kids very very frequently went with the stranger to look for the puppy. They could recite the rule, but in their little brains, the man needed help and wasn't a stranger somehow, kwim? I've seen this same thing repeated numerous times and they say an overwhelming majority of kids end up going with the person (these were just simulations). THe parents were all appalled because the kids were able to tell them the rule over and over, but still went.

edited to fix grammar, and also to say I haven't BTDT so I'm very curious what other responses there will be. It is something I've thought about but am not sure exactly how we'll handle the nuts and bolts of it all. Parenting is hard.

[COElizabeth]

I experienced that phenomenon firsthand. My mother was very worried about kidnapping and made us very afraid of strangers. However, one day when my sister and I were playing outside with a friend (in elementary school), a man drove by and asked us to come help him find his dog. I was scared, but my friend said she knew the man, so we got in the car and drove off. I was scared enough to keep my hand on the door handle the whole time, but obviously that was an incredibly stupid thing for us to get in the car in the first place. I'll never know what made the man let us out after a few minutes (I can't remember if we asked or what), but I shudder deeply inside when I recall the incident.

My children are very friendly to strangers, and I don't necessarily want to discourage them from saying hi to someone at the grocery store or on the sidewalk, but I need to start talking to James about what is and isn't safe for him to do. I did take a sexual abuse prevention class a few months ago, and as you mention, molesters are far more likely to be someone very well known to the child than to be a stranger or even an acquaintance. But my DS still needs to learn safety rules for everyone. I'm not sure what the best approach is.

Elizabeth, Mom to James, 9-20-02
and Charlotte, 11-04-04

[lisams]

Thank you for the book recommendation, it sounds like what I was looking for!

[lisams]

Your story is so scary. I'm so glad nothing happened. I hate thinking about these kinds of things, but I've realised I need to start teaching her now.

[lisams]

Thank you for the links! Those look great! I'm going to look them over tonight and start ordering some of them.

[lisams]

Thanks for the book ideas! I too hate thinking about what could happen, but you're right, it's necessary.

[lisams]

Good idea about having the numbers in a place where she can see them. Thinking about that, most of our phones are cordless and up high. I think we're going to have to move a phone so it's within her reach and have numbers listed right there (including 911).

Thanks for the idea!

[crl]

I'm sure the books and other resources suggested by PP are very helpful and comprehensive. I just wanted to mention a couple of pretty easy things we've done.

We've recently taught DS to answer correctly when asked his whole name/last name and when asked daddy's name and mommy's name. Daddy's name was a little tricky for us because we don't call him that (we use the Chinese Baba), but of course that's what a police officer would ask him. We're working on phone number next--my cell--and after we move we will work on address. DS' clothes need to be labeled for preschool, so I added my cell phone number to his last name for the labels.

These are aimed more at the lost child scenario, but are pretty easy, basic things to do. So I thought I'd pass them along.

[casey118]

Great thread.

My DS is the same age as yours and also very outgoing. I definitely need to do more on things like this.

A couple of things we have done is we talk about touching, for example, in the bath. I tell him that mommy and daddy can touch his privates when we wash him or if they hurt, and the dr. can if he asks mommy and daddy, but no one else. We have a younger DS so I make sure they don't touch each other with these same reasons.

I haven't discussed strangers, but a small thing I have done is to try to not encourage "politeness" to people if DS doesn't want to be. For example, when they boys are little I don't let someone hold them if the boys are resistant, and I don't make them talk to anyone. (I do teach manners though!). But I don't talk about people being nice people as a reason for the boys to go to them, talk to them, etc. I don't know if this makes sense, but I want the boys to (1) recognize their own feeling as valid if they don't want contact with someone, and (2) know I respect their feelings. I think it is easy to overlooks little kid's responses to other people in fear of being "rude." Even as an adult sometimes I have allowed other people to make me feel umcomfortable rather than standing up for myself in fear of being rude, and I think that can put everyone in compromising situations.

I am also trying to teach my boys their full names and how to spell them, mine and DH's names and a phone number.

One other thing- probably everyone knows this, but it is good to keep a recent digital picture handy so that if something were to happen it could be distributed quickly, and to have your kids finger printed.

[stillplayswithbarbies]

I really like the Yello Dyno program. It talks about "tricky people" rather than "strangers".

I used it 15 years ago with Jake and am ready to start on it with Logan now.

http://www.yellodyno.com

[lisams]

Karen, what do you use with your children from the Yello Dyno program? I saw the have a few things and I was wondering what would be most appropriate for a younger child. The CD looks cute, I listened to a sample and liked it. They had some other things too, and then the whole package. Just wondering what you used and liked! Thanks!

[NewfieNat]

I am a child safety instructor and teach courses such as Strangers/ Dangers, Don't Touch, It's My Body, etc. The company I work for is very cautious about not scaring children but rather teaching them safe behavior. Some of the main points are below.


Don't Touch
-Discuss what private means and ask which parts of her body are private. These parts belongs only to YOU. Only YOU can give permission for anyone else to touch them.
-Sometimes we need help taking care of our bodies, ie, dentist, doctor. These people will ask for permission to touch YOUR body and it is ok to give it.
-There is appropriate and innapropriate touch. Help her understand the difference. IE Giving Grandma a hug when she comes to visit is ok. Hitting someone else's body is not ok. A person touching your bottom is not ok. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THE PERSON IS, EVEN IF YOU KNOW THEM REALLY WELL.
-Some people will try to talk you into inappropriate touching. What might they say? IE, I'll buy you a toy, etc. Don't listen! NOTHING somebody who tries to talk you into inappropriate touching says is true. Again, it doesn't matter who the person is, your best friend, your neighbor, it's still wrong.
-Secrets about touching should never be kept. What might a person say to try to talk you into keeping a secret?
-If any of the above happen, you should TALK (say NO!), WALK (get away from the person) then S***** (I don't want to get into any copyright trouble but it means tell someone you trust what has happened). Keep telling different until someone believes you and says they will help.

Strangers/Dangers
-Don't use the word stranger, just say some people are safe and others and unsafe. You cannot tell the difference just by looking at a person.
-If you are lost in a store, STOP, use your eyes to look for the person you are missing, use your voice to yell the persons name you are missing. If this doesn't work look for safe people to ask for help. People that work at the store, a mother with a baby or child. Never try to hide or leave the store, even if you think you see the person you are looking for. Outside is more dangerous (don't say sracy things, say you could get sunburned, or you might fall on the pavement and scrape your knee - kids don't need to know that they could get run over buy a car, etc)
-If you are lost outside the first three steps are the same. However, there are more safe places you can go to get help. A place where people work (7-11, Blockbuster, a school, etc, a payphone (call 911 for free), Block Parent house, a mom with a child, and of course an ambulance, police car, or fire truck (wave your arms and yell HELP to get their attention)
-If ANYONE in a car EVER tries to talk to you, run the opposite direction the car is driving and yell HELP. You can turn around faster than a car. You never want to get into a car with someone you don't know (say they may want to take you to their house and be their maid. You would have to scrub the floors all day and not see you family, wouldn't that make you sad? Or something else that would make them very sad but not scared like, oh they will kill you) IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE PERSON IN THE CAR SAYS TO YOU. They may ask for directions, say they will take you to the Zoo, tell you they like your bike, give you candy, etc. As soon as they open their mouth run! Adults in cars know they should not talk to children.

HTH, and that my boss never sees this! It's just the main points, not the lesson plan, so it should be ok...

[stillplayswithbarbies]

With Jake, 12 years ago, I only had the CD, and the i.d. kit that you put together yourself.

For Logan I also got the "Can't Fool Me" DVD, but we have not watched it yet so I can't review it.

The CD is great. The songs are catchy and fun to listen to, even for adults. And Jake still remembers some of the songs to this day.

What I liked about it is that the lyrics make it easy to memorize things and then we could build on that. Like the song "Tricky People" talks about how you should "take three steps back and run like the wind" so I would roleplay with Jake. I'd ask him what do you do if a man asks you to help find his puppy and he could repeat back the song lyric to me, and then I would ask him to show me how he would do that. Or if we were in a crowded place like an airport or something I would ask him what he would do if he got separated from us and he could tell me all of the kinds of people he would ask for help, because it was in a song.

[lisams]

WOW!! Thank you, thank you! These pointers are great!

[jillc]

Great thread, Lisa. This kind of thing has been on my mind a lot lately. So scary.

This is probably better suited to kids a bit older, but it popped into my head when I started thinking about the subject & thought I'd share incase it helps anyone...

Among other things, my parents gave us a "code word". I can remember my mom telling us that if someone other than Aunt xxxx or Grandma or Grandpa tried to get us to go somewhere with them, we were to ask them "what's the code word?". Mom seemed to worry that someone would approach us and tell us something like "Your mom was in an accident/her car broke down/etc and she asked me to pick you up & take you to her". Mom told us that this would probably never happen, but incase it did, we were never to go with anyone unless they could tell us the code word, and not in a way that seemed like they were trying to guess it. We were to run and scream for help if this ever happened.

Just food for thought.

Jill

[ctmom]

I also was raised with a "code word". We were told never to go with anyone we didn't know, unless they knew the code word. My dd#1 already knows this rule. There is some GREAT info already in this thread, but I just wanted to add one more simple thing. When you talk to you kids about their "private parts" and how nobody should touch them, make it easy by explaining nobody should touch them where their bathing suit covers. It just may make it a bit easier for the little ones to understand.

HTH!

Mary
dd#1 2/01
dd#2 12/03

[Raidra]

They talked about the whole politeness vs safety thing on the Today show recently. I forget who they were interviewing, but they said that a lot of times even though parents talk to kids about strangers, they end up talking about being polite to adults more. So in dangerous situations, kids worry about being rude and do unsafe things. Most parents don't realize that those two "rules" can be conflicting for little kids.

They also tested some kids with an adult riding a scooter and acting like a kid. He said he was waiting for a bunch of kids to show up to play with him at the park, and would they like to come along with him. One little boy got way too close to the man, but the other two kids (a girl and her little brother) tried to be polite but when they got uncomfortable, the girl said she needed to go inside and told her brother to come with her. I thought it was so sweet that she made her brother go in, too.

I try really hard not to make either of the boys do anything they're uncomfortable with when it comes to hugging or talking to people. My mom and her sister make it really hard, as my aunt insists on hugs a lot, and my mom tries to enforce it. They always get their feelings hurt when I politely tell them to back off.