Whose In-laws hate them?

[jay]

My inlaws blame me for their terrible (read non existent) relationship with their son. First off, DH and his family are not close. They rarely talk and when they do talk it always escalates into a fight - usually about how we are disrespectful and rude. Fighting is how his family expresses emotions and communicate. Though I use to encourage DH to call his parents once in a while - I stopped about 1.5 years ago when I got into a serious fight with his father. When I was 2 months pregnant, I told him not to tell people I was pregnant until it was past 3 months. Of course he told everyone (I mean everyone, all my parents friends knew and they don't even have the same set of friends) and when I confronted him he first denied it. He actually said that I must have told people accidentally and forgotten?!!! (um...yeah. that must be it, preggo brain). Then when I nailed him on the list of people he told, he said "I can't help it if they can't a secret. Why do you care anyways. What is the big deal if you miscarry? It is not a big deal. Millions of women miscarry. Why are you so ashamed? Gosh, why are pregnant women so senstitive and irrational!" And then proceeded to tell me (in a yelling, condescending way) that I have issues and those issues are more apparent now that I'm pregnant. I think I said he was a jerk and hung up on him.

Since then, I try to avoid all conversation with him - it only leads to arguments. Snide comments such as "It is not your job (MIL) to cook and wash the dishes, it is HER job" - I ignore. However, this weekend he yelled at me again. While I was asking MIL to please shut the door lightly at night since DS is a very light sleeper (DS woke up 5 times and didn't sleep between 1-5am because they were getting up to go the bathroom, going up and down the stairs - I guess they were still jet lagged from their recent China trip). He yelled from across the room - "SHUT UP! You are a control freak! Shut up! Your the one waking your own son up - your the one making all the banging and keeping us awake at night!" (yeah, I admit, I was making some banging sounds - DS threw up twice from all the crying since he was tired and couldn't sleep so I had to change the bedsheets and bumper - twice)

Later on, after lunch he told my husband that their relationship has deteriorated since he met...and never finished the sentence but he looked at me. Then he said, that DH should never forget that they (MIL, FIL, and DH) are BLOOD related. They are a family and DH should not let other outside forces try to influence his decisions.

So I left the room and took DS for a walk. I had to. Otherwise, it would not have been pretty.

DH for some reason is asking me to forgive his father because after I left, his dad told him a story about how his grandfather died and his dad never got to say goodbye (he was getting his PHD and didn't want to miss his defense and he also didn't want to spend the money to go home). So because of all this trauma, his dad has a lot of unresolved feelings and guilt towards his own father. He thinks I should just accept his father for the way he is. However, I cannot let his father continue to be verbally abusive to me and my family (oh...I have not yet forgotten the conversation FIL had with my mother - lecturing her on how poorly she raised me...and lets not forget my all time favorite - when he gave me the finger the day before my wedding at a very busy McD. He wanted some apple pie - and since it was really loud in there, I couldn't here him so I kept on saying "What? What? What? What do you want?" Apparently he thought I was mocking him. Needless to say, the cashier and I were flabbergasted)

What should I do? Am I overreacting?!Right now, I'm so angry I just want to tell his father to "Bring it!" - if he wants to fight and play a manipulation game - well I'll give him a fight. But I think when I calm down tomorrow I will just go back to ignoring him until he decides to yell at me again. Does voodoo dolls really work? So - anyone have advice, or in similar painful situations.

BTW - I would like to add that I come from a very close knit family. We talk on a daily basis. I think what appalls me the most is that my parents have never talked to me in such a mean tone of voice. They rarely yell or get mad (I have only seen my dad get mad once and it was at my sister!) DH thinks it is because I'm not use to it so I overreact sometimes.

[tarynsmum]

I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to send you some ((HUGS))

[overcome]

Sounds like there is definitely something wrong with THEM, not you. Some family just have different standards and acceptable behavior. My DH family is COMPLETELY different than mine, but not to the extreme you're dealing with.

I don't have any advice, but to hang in there!!

[janeybwild]

No, I don't think you're over reacting. But I do think ignoring the behavior isn't working. Can DH start a conversation to address this? Seems like it should come from him. You are already public enemy #1. Anyway, hugs to you.

[aliceinwonderland]

They don't hate me, but they are not head over heels in love with me either :) For which, I can't really blame them ;)

[DebbieJ]

Just because they are blood relatives doesn't mean they have to like each other, hang out together, or anything like that. They don't act very family like, do they?

What about your MIL? It sounds like your FIL is a real piece of work, but how does she fit in?

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
2 year check up: 25 lbs with clothes on and 35 inches!
BFARed for 20 months and 6 days
(Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org)

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[Jo..]

First of all, big hugs. I got stressed out just reading your post.

I think you need to talk to DH, and remind him that when he married you he took a vow "forsaking all others". You and DS are his family now, and it is his job to protect you and support you to the best of his ability.

I'm not saying he has to write his parents out of his life, but it sounds to me like he has to get them out of YOUR life. Regardless of blame, your relationship sounds stressful and painful and neither party is getting anything positive from it. If your in-laws want to see DH or DS and can be civil (e.g. not talk about you behind your back), let them meet elsewhere. Make it clear to DH that they are disrespectful to you and therefore not welcome in your home.

My In-Laws don't hate me, but they did something that hurt me deeply, and I have limited their presence in my life. DH understands and does what he can to shield me. See if you can work out a similar arrangement. Life's too short for you to spend unhappy moments because of this nonsense. (((Hugs))).

[kimbe]

:( No advice. Just hugs! I am sorry that you have to deal with this. It is so hard to listen to those sorts of things and not be affected by them! It truly is simply awful how they are treating you. I am sure that your mother did not like hearing that she raised you poorly -- kudos to her for not popping him one in the face! I don't think that you are overreacting at all. He shouldn't yell at you -- no one should. Maybe when they talk to you --- you should just space out and think about being on a fancy vacation or something -- and nod and smile! Big hugs to you and I hope that things get better!

[amp]

Unbelievable.

That behavior and mistreatment of you is utterly appalling. I cannot believe your husband is asking you to forgive that. Making it into an all out war doesn't seem helpful, but I don't see why you should be made to suck it up over that. Way out of line.

Then again, my husband thinks I should be the "bigger person" and always thinks I'm the bad guy, so who am I to talk? And yes, my IL's hate me. Feeling is mutual.

[dawell0]

HUGS!!! Sorry to hear that you are not liked too well by DH's family but I think that they have problems. Whoever heard of a man flipping off his DIL in public? That's crazy to me, particularly someone who is educated as it sounds that he is.

I don't have the same issues, but I don't get along very well with my SILs and BILs. I don't have a MIL (dead many years) and my FIL is weird. I don't see any of them very often, however, and all of them live under an hour away. They do things for their schedules only and they refuse to accomodate us, but if we are not accomodating them I hear about it for weeks or they cancel the plans. Of course, they already have kids so I guess they need to have some more flexibility, but they forget that I am pregnant or busy too sometimes and that I have my family in town also. They also make rude comments to DH about me. Most of the time he defends me, or he says that I make too much out of their comments. I don't have ANY of the issues that you do, however.

[karolyp]

My situation is a little different in that my own parents do not like DH. We all have a very strained relationship to say the least. Regardless, I just wanted to offer you big hugs. I can only imagine how hard this is for you to deal with. Just please don't be too hard on your husband. As a middle person myself, sometimes I want to scream at both my parents and DH to grow up, get over it, and leave me out of it!!

[buddyleebaby]

My advice is to just take it one day at a time. When you are going to be around them, try your best to be friendly and expect them to do the same. If they don't, well that's not your fault so don't beat yourself up over it, and if FIL is verbally abusive to you, absolutely stand up for yourself and get out of the situation. Dh should be behind you as well.
I've written before about my own MIL saga. I didn't speak to her at all for about a year and a half, the last 7 months of which I was pregnant with dd. At the time, I felt I needed to do it for my ow sanity and it was the most peaceful year (well, for me). But as dd's birth approached, I felt bad for my dh and agreed to give it another shot.
Things actually are MUCH better. i think the "time out" let me cool down and gave my MIL a wake-up call, so to speak. My MIL does not blame me for things my dh does or does not do and got over the whole "interracial" thing.
She also has learned to respect me as a mother. She still does a ton of stuff that annoys me, but I overlook what I can, and usually the rest works itself out.
I wouldn't care if I had a relationship with her if it was just for me, but I think it is important for my dd that we have a good relationship, and my dh is so much happier when we all get together and he does not hvae to walk on eggshells. i can honestly say that our relationship has improved so much that I could not just cut her out of my life again, no matter how angry I was.
Hugs to you. I know how stressed and frustrated you must be. Just wanted to let you know that maybe down the road, there is hope.

Typos, typos, typos

[SquamLake]

I don't like my ILS and they do not like me. They have done many, many things over the years, most of them unforgivable. One of the biggest was calling my DH the night before our wedding to tell him they were not coming to the wedding unless he gave up his inheritance rights. See, my ILS are not wealthy, but they do own extensive property. As my MIL put it to DH on the phone: "I'm afraid you are going to marry this woman, die, and then she'll try to take our property." So the morning of our wedding found my DH at a Kinkos typing a letter giving up all inheritance rights. Crazy on so many levels. I was very worried when I got pregnant. I don't speak to ILS and they do not speak to me - - I kept wondering how they were going to treat this unborn child. Luckily, I am not a person to keep them from their grandchild, and they are over the moon for DD. No advice, but want to reiterate what PP stated, I limit my interaction with them as much as possible, and when we are together, I make sure our DD is the center of attention.

[kijip]

Oh ME! Meeee! Me! They think that I am the reason that J does not have a good relationship with them and that he insists on "dredging up" the past (which includes signifigant abuse and physical scars). Well, their opinion of me means nadda. I mean if some of these people like me, I would be worried about who I was in all honesty. Additionally they don't like that J and I are not as entralled with their money as they think we should be. Who needs money if it comes from the devil?

[boolady]

<I mean if some of these people like me, I would be worried about who I was in all honesty.>

You are SO right. My problem, strange as it sounds, is not with my ILs directly (my MIL passed away almost 3 years ago, and was truly one of the kindest, loveliest people I ever met), even though my FIL is definitely a PITA and not at all like my family. It's with one of DH's godmother, and since the day we met, has not liked me one bit. Why? The best that I can come up with is that I am not her ethnicity, religion, or a size 2, which is no doubt exactly what she wanted for DH. What I find amazing is that not being DH's parent, she has inserted herself in more issues that are none of her business that my ILs cared nothing about, such as telling my own mother, when she happened to run into her the week of my wedding, that we were breaking DH's grandparents' hearts by getting married at my church, which although not their religion, is very close. She so embarassed my ILs that they called my mother to apologize. Turns out, DH's grandparents didn't care, were very gracious, requested communion, the whole 9 yards.

This is but one example of many of her butting into things that as a godparent (and relative), are none of her business. Especially because she isn't even a very caring godparent. My MIL was sick for many years with a debilitating, chronic illness, and as her sister, this woman did NOTHING for her. Now that DH's mother is gone and she is his godmother, she does NOTHING for him, including keeping in touch. DH is a good person, though, and tries to keep in touch with her. This is great, on his part, but I don't believe that she is a good or kind person, and I get all worked up sometimes, but then realize, like you so intelligently point out, Katie, that I would be really concerned if she did like me.

[JacksMommy]

I'm so sorry you are going through this!

I don't have IL parents but I do have 7 SILs! And yes, they frequently have blamed me for things DH does or (more likely) fails to do, like sending thank you notes, etc. However, their attacks (which have mellowed over the years) are of the gossipy, behind-my-back-but-make-sure-someone-lets-me-know-what-"everyone thinks" variety.

Can I ask, what is FILs racial/cultural background? Some of the things he has done/said seem as though they could be culturally specific (like talking to your mom about how she raised you, referring to blood relatives or even giving you the finger). That's not to say it's ok for him to do these things, I'm just wondering.

Even if that's not the case, it is very difficult when ILs have a different way of dealing with anger than you do/are used to. My mom is a screamer so screaming at me doesn't affect me much and I raise my voice somewhat easily as well. It used to surprise me that DH would be so bothered by it, so that was something we had to work through (and still do, occasionally).

If you want a plan, why not try giving him a consequence to his bx. Like literally getting up and leaving when he starts yelling and refusing to engage with him until he talks in a normal tone of voice (or whatever the specific concern is). Just a thought, there might be a lot more going on that we don't have all the info for...

Hugs,

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04

[kcandz]

I get along OK with my inlaws, but I had to establish some boundaries. It sounds as though you need to do the same - for whatever reason, your FIL has some serious respect/control issues with you.

Does he treat strangers the way he treats his family? Sounds like your DH has a history of "giving in" to FIL will and is asking you to do the same. Your FIL guilt issues with his own father should transfer to your DH how? The way it is described it sounds like a manipulation ploy: FIL gets to be a b#st*rd and a free ride to do so because he made a selfish choice in his past? Your DH has to pay for that, for how long, forever? And take you along with him?

Do you want your DS being exposed to you being treated this way? Children observe and soak up behavoir, that is why modeling behavoir is such an effective teaching tool.

I am not a psychiatrist, but some of this FIL behavior sounds like a Personality Disorder. I have a bit of experience with this in my extended family relationships. You may want to google it for some information on the different types - (Narcisstic and Borderline are two that come to mind in your FIL case) - and maybe find some strategies on how to manage it since the in-law relationship will be ongoing. Setting boundaries and sticking to them is key. When I learned how to do this, the relationship in question turned to civil, which sounds like the best you can hope for, barring some mental epiphany on the part of your FIL.

You could also find a way video his interactions and find a way to play them back to him - in the context of watching DS on video? Sometimes if people see themselves in the objective, as others see them, it is a wake-up call. This could be if he is simply a jerk and not motivated by more deep psychological issues.

No matter what, something should change. The ignoring strategy sounds like it is not working out long-term and IMO 'forgiving' should not be an option either. FIL has the problem, not you. Good luck.

[brittone2]

My ILs strongly dislike me. MIL has always been controlling of her children, and manipulates my SIL and BIL with $$ quite often. It bothers her that this is not an option with DH and I as we don't want or ask for any financial assistance, which gives her limited control. ITA with the comment about "who wants money that comes from the devil."

I always played the nicey-nicey game w/ the ILs, but when we had DS it became unbearable. There has been constant criticism, without a speck of praise since DS was born. It started with pg'cy (calling my mom to flip out about me using a midwife and not believing her son "could go along with this.") From there it has been everything ranging from my choice to BF, to not putting hard soled white baby shoes on DS as a 6 month old. She was appalled I wanted to make my own babyfood as that was "weird." It never, ever, ever ends.

She bashes me to all of her friends, and unfortunately word gets back to me. She has actually complained in a CHristmas card to my brother and his wife about not getting to babysit (when we live in NC, they live in PA, and they won't drive or fly here) when she barely knows them. (I won't leave DS with MIL as she made a point from the time I was pg of saying things at their house will be done *their* way, and I don't trust that they wouldn't spank, yell at, or otherwise inflict things on my son that I'm not okay with. My MIL has suggested that if DS has tantrums, we should just throw a cold glass of water in his face, as it worked "great" with DH when he was a toddler. This was when she had never even SEEN DS tantrum, ever. Just a "friendly suggestion" for the future. Yep, that's a major reason why they DO NOT babysit).

The list of things they've said and done is very very long and those things have been tremendously hurtful. MIL has NEVER apologized, ever. FIL has, but basically says that you don't get praise in life...you get tickets when you speed in your car, and your employer doesn't praise you for showing up to work on time, so essentially DH and I should suck up the criticism and accept that people just don't think to compliment others.

To which I say, that is a sad world in which they choose to live, but it isn't my world, and I don't have to live that way.

I have no intention of cutting them out of DS's life, but after a big blowup at CHristmas, we have not spoken at all with MIL and on a limited basis with FIL. DH is just basically DONE with them for now. They have nothing nice to say, are not a pleasure to be around, and as adults, IMO we don't have to subject ourselves to it. I've told them numerous times that they can harbor whatever opinions they like, but as an adult, I can and *will* get up and leave if they are going to bash our parenting non-stop as usual, or if they are in my home, I can and *will* ask them to leave. I don't have to subject DH, DS, or myself to that treatment.

Fortunately DH and I are on the same page. It has taken some time for him to see how inappopriate their treatment of us as grown adults is, but at this point in time, he is behind me 100 percent. He just IMO grew up with a lot of fear and quite a bit of dysfunction, so it wasn't that clear to him in the beginning.

It has been a rough 2 years with them since DS was born. Sadly, life is happier for all of us with limited contact. Unfortunately, they are missing out on their grandson because they choose to (they don't call him, even on his bday, even though I've made it very clear they can talk, etc. to him whenever they want).

My ILs are very different from my parents in personality, etc. but there is no adult on this earth that I will allow to treat me the way they do when we are together, and I'm kind of a wimp about direct confrontation IRL. I let it fly though about a year ago with the ILs and it was a very soul-cleansing experience LOL :) Up until then I was always calm and kind even when I didn't want to be, but eventually, I hit my boiling point and DH and I made it very clear that their treatment was not acceptable to us as a family.

I hope that you and your DH can get on the same page, as that will IMO make things easier if you can manage. If not, at the very least you should not have to subject yourself to their presence, even if DH decides to remain in contact with them.

(((HUGS)))). I know it is so, so, so very hard. I never wanted to be one of those women who had a horrible relationship with their MIL, but here I am ;)

[scarletsmommy]

Can I start by saying "HOLY COW!" You are NOT overreacting. It sounds like the IL's have decided you are there to serve as a punching bag and doormat.

I only skimmed the last few responses, but I would like to suggest (if it hasn't already been suggested) that when things cool down and you and DH have time to talk - you set up some ground rules for future encounters. My DH and I have an agreement that I am in charge of crowd control for my side and he for his. I outlined what was acceptable treatment toward me and he did the same for himself. We have different levels of what is okay, but have accepted that we would respect each others level of comfort and try not to push what we think on each other. After all, we weren't raised the same way.

Something that has become more obvious as my DD gets older is how much these little ones take in. Integrity, patience, respect; all these qualities are so important. No matter how hard you try, you cannot control the actions/words of your IL's. You can, however, control YOUR response. You can respectfully disagree or ask for respectful treatment when one of the rants starts. If they refuse, you can remove yourself like you have been doing.

I would encourage you to CONTINUE to set the example of self-control and patience that you have been setting. You can count on the fact that your DC WILL NOT observe this behavior from them! Please do your best not to give in to reacting to them in like manner. SOMEBODY's got to be the adult!!!!

[megs4413]

Well i'm afraid I'm gonna dr. phil you! I HATE MY INLAWS. THEY HATE ME! But, Dr. Phil talks about how you don't want to get between your husband and his family because some day he may be bitter or resentful for that. If he makes the decision to cut them out or force change, then you back him up but i guess the point is that your place in the relationship with his parents is behind him and not between, KWIM? Trust me I don't love this advice. I freakin hate DH's parents and they actually said they wanted him back with his Ex-gf. UNBELIEVABLE! I've been with him 8 years and this is the way they treat me. But, I realize that I have to follow Dh's lead with his family because I want our relationship to remain intact regardless of what happens to his relationship with his family.

If it were me, I would cut off contact where I would be approaching his family one on one. I would speak only when spoken to and try to refrain from smart or rude comments if at all possible (though sometimes I do get in a jab or two). Remember, his parents are each part of him...so even if you think you're insulting them he may feel somewhere inside of him that you're insulting HIM! I know how I feel when Dh puts my parents down (even though I know they arent' the greatest) because it's like he's judging a piece of me. Your Dh may not feel like this, but it's a possibility. I don't remeber if you said your ILs are a good or bad influence/presence in your DS's life. If they are, I think it's in your best interest as a mother to let your DC enjoy their grandparents and not experience the tension that exists between you. I dont' pretend to think that your relationship with them will heal itself or that they dont' have a lot of work to do to make things right (if they even can) but I do know that you seem like the rational, sane, mature person in this situation and that means you're the one with the power to lead in the direction things need to go.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I often dreamed of having the movie type experience where my ILs are loaded, loving, and laissez-faire, but you get what you get I guess. It's hard but I'm sure your husband is worth it. Good luck and big hugs!

[saschalicks]

Plain and simple they are out of line. I have similar issues with my in laws. I even had my FIL say something not nice in front of MY mother. My mother kept trying to shut him down and when he didn't stop we stopped listening. I told DH that was the last straw. If he does it again I'll put him in his place and walk away. Even in a restaurant as we were that time.

I've told my DH that if and when his parents (who are divorced and both remarried) do anything in front of my children or say anything to my children all bets are off. I will then speak up. I think your time has come. Your DC should not hear your FIL speak to you that way EVER! It is your home and if DH won't you will have to politely tell FIL that if his mouth can't stay shut he knows where the door is. I don't want my DS's to see anyone speak to their mother that way and think it's OK. As I'm sure you don't either. I again cannot tell you how sorry I am you are in this situation.

Good Luck!

[lilycat88]

Now Eri, I can't imagine a bunch of corn-fed all-American hoosiers not embracing you with open arms ;-) *snicker*

[janeybwild]

> And yes, my IL's hate me. Feeling is mutual.

Whaaaat? They are clearly insane.

[tina-t]

Yikes! And I thought that my mil was bad! No, your dh should not expect you to accept the way your fil is because he is verbally abusive and mean to you! That is not acceptable!

I would try and distance myself from such a person, for as much as I can. I wish your dh would be more supportive of you though.

[KBecks]

Just wanted to say "good for you!" for managing the situation as best you can. I think you are doing great to set boundaries and protect yourselves and your family from such negativity. :)

[brittone2]

Thanks :) It has been a very difficult situation, but i've unfortunately witnessed the serious negative effects meddling ILs can have on a couple with some other family members. It is something DH and I vowed (before we even got married) to NOT let happen.


It is so hard to establish boundaries, but I think it is beneficial to everyone's mental health in the long run.

It sure hasn't been easy, at all :( I feel deeply for DH most of all :(

[wencit]

I just wanted to give you some big {{{hugs}}}. You are not overreacting. Why is DH asking YOU to forgive his father for his unresolved feelings towards his own dad? It seems to me that the two issues aren't related, and even if they were, that doesn't give him the right to treat you like dirt.

Your DH needs to stick up for you. I'm just appalled that your FIL told your DH that he's still a part of their family and that he should "not let other outside forces try to influence his decisions." You're his wife, not an outside force! You and DH are a family now.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have no useful advice, just wanted to let you know you're unfortunately not the only one with IL issues.

ETC missing word

[aliceinwonderland]

LOL!! I love it!

[ribbit1019]

I agree with Janey, they have to be out of their minds Andrea!!

Christy
My Waterbabies
Maddy 6/9/04
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& Jarred 3/8/06, 14 lb 24 1/2" @ 10 wks, a happily breastfed babe.
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