I think my best friend is on drugs (Extremely long)

[Splash]

And I don't know what to do about it.

Sharla is my very best friend. She and Jean have known each other since birth (well, Jean is a lot older, but still. They've known each other since Sharla's birth), and are really more like cousins or sisters than friends (their dads were neighbors throughout their childhoods, and are still best friends).

She has always been such a wonderful loving person. Lazy and a bit self absorbed, but she's young (23). But she has always been a good person, and a wonderful friend to us. I am an only child, and Sharla is more like my sister than everything. I love her with everything I have.

She was Charlie's godmother. I say was because about a month ago we decided to change that, but haven't told her. We made her mother his guardian for now. Might change in the future, but right now, it's like this.

About 6 months ago she met this guy, Jason. At first we all really liked him. But then...
He's been taking advantage of her big time. In the 5 months he's lived with her he hasn't paid a dime in rent, utilities, whatever. He keeps her from her family (we went from seeing her twice a week or more to seeing her every six weeks or so, and then only for a limited amount of time because she has to get home to Jason).

She works with her mom. She has totally screwed up there and she's getting fired tomorrow. This is a huge thing because the owner of the company (her mom's long time boyfriend) is basically the man that raised her once her father went crazy. He's like a father to her, and he's firing her. She's screwed up way too much, and lost him a few big clients. She's slacking and plain doesn't care. And things are getting rough between her mom and her boyfriend/boss because of Sharla.

But the worst part is that Sharla stole a LOT of money from her mother. Over six thousand dollars, over the course of 2-3 months. She drained her mom's money market account and took money out of her mother's saving and checking account. Her mom has really worked hard since her divorce to make a nice life for them, and for herself. She works hard and gives her kids everything. She doesn't ask for much, but she lives comfortably.

Not anymore. Not only did she completely drain all her mother's accounts, but she's not paying her bills. She hasn't paid her car payment in about 4 months, and her mom is on the loan so she has to pay it or else. She isn't paying her student loans and her mom is also the cosigner on those. Her cell phone is in her mom's name, so her mom has been paying that as well. And Sharla goes out and gets a phone in HER name for the idiot boyfriend because he has bad credit and can't get his own. HELLO!?!?! You get bad credit by not paying your bills!

Now she wants her mother to give her a thousand dollars to put a deposit down on a new apartment. The boyfriend won't lift a finger. Her lease is up at the end of July, and if she doesn't have the cash for the new place, she's out on her ass. She and her mom have had MAJOR arguments because she wants to move in their, WITH the loser boyfriend. Her mom has said she can come home, but NOT him (perfectly reasonable I think). Well now, her mom doesn't even want her there. So basically Sharla may be without a place to live in a few weeks.

Plus she has been offered a job by someone I know personally. As a nanny for twins. Now this woman is a client of mine (totally unrelated how they got together though) and I originally vouched for Sharla, but I am now feeling like I made a mistake. But I don't want to say anything, because she NEEDS a job.

Now to the drugs part. I hope you're with me so far.
Sharla was in rehab about 7 years ago for four months. It about killed her mother and was really the catalyst that led to her parents splitting up (not the only reason of course, but essentially the nail in the coffin). Her mother was strung out, financially and emotionally, but eventually Sharla got over it and was fine again.

But... the recent activities...

She meets this guy. Suddenly she starts becoming more and more withdrawn from the family. This is about the time the money started disappearing. She also started slipping on her bills, and her mom started making her car payment. Things get worse, and the thefts get bolder. Her mom found out about it about 2 months ago, and when the bank finally called her and said they were closing the account as the original 6-7 grand was gone, and the account was now about 2k in the hole. That's roughly 7 THOUSAND dollars over a 4-5 month period. PLUS her $350 a week salary, PLUS whatever the boyfriend's salary is (he's a mortgage broker, but he does pay child support for three kids), PLUS she wasn't paying most of her bills anyway. Some of the bills her mother can trace... for makeup, groceries, whatever. But then there are withdrawals of $300 or $500, sometimes a few a week.

Coupled with the money is the fact that her attitude has completely changed. She's not interested in anything anymore. She slacks off at work and refuses to put out her own fires, leaving them for her mom to deal with. And she never comes around anymore. She calls almost everyday to talk, but whenever we ask her to come over, she says she can't. It's always that she has to be with Jason. Her mom only sees her at work and when she brings laundry by.

She came over last night and was a total space cadet. She got her free meal, and left shortly afterwards. She was out of it all night.

Jean and I have talked about it amongst ourselves a few times, wondering if she might be back on drugs. But since we were in MN when she was in rehab, we never saw the signs the first time. I figured that surely the other people would recognize something, you know?

And the worst part of this is what she has done to her mother. Her mom called us in tears last night. She is a 50 year old woman and she can't pay her bills. Her credit has dropped by about 200 points over the last 3-4 months (paying bills late mostly). She went from living a nice life to not being able to buy groceries. She has homeowner's insurance due and doesn't have the cash. She still has a 15 year old son at home that she can't provide all the things he wants (to his credit, DK is an AMAZING kid. Super mature and knows the whole situation and is absolutely fine with not getting a car, brown bagging lunch for awhile, not going out and spending money. GREAT young man). And Sharla still keeps hitting at her for more more more. There is no more. Amey can't even cover her own butt anymore.

I don't know what to do. I told Amey to cut her off, period. Let her fall flat on her face. I know it hurts to see her your kid suffer, but some people need to go through tough times to straighten out. I really believe you can't make it until you fail. Sharla needs to fail. I told her mom to take the car, stop giving her any money, cancel the cell phone, stop paying the student loans, and make Sharla take care of herself. It's about damn time. And if that means working 2 jobs, oh well. But she keeps saying Sharla won't do that, she's too lazy. Well then that's a choice. There are plenty of people in this country who take a 2 hour bus ride to work, work twelve hours straight, and then ride the bus home to their 3 kids and do it all again the next day. She can too.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if we should confront her, or what. But mostly I can't stand seeing her mother go down with the ship. It's not fair.

Also, I kinda want some back up. Does this sound like a person on drugs? Because while I know the 'warning signs' I have never known anyone (to my knowledge) at the height of a drug problem.

Sorry this got so unbelievably long.


edited by Mod for language

[Splash]

And I don't know what to do about it.

Sharla is my very best friend. She and Jean have known each other since birth (well, Jean is a lot older, but still. They've known each other since Sharla's birth), and are really more like cousins or sisters than friends (their dads were neighbors throughout their childhoods, and are still best friends).

She has always been such a wonderful loving person. Lazy and a bit self absorbed, but she's young (23). But she has always been a good person, and a wonderful friend to us. I am an only child, and Sharla is more like my sister than everything. I love her with everything I have.

She was Charlie's godmother. I say was because about a month ago we decided to change that, but haven't told her. We made her mother his guardian for now. Might change in the future, but right now, it's like this.

About 6 months ago she met this guy, Jason. At first we all really liked him. But then...
He's been taking advantage of her big time. In the 5 months he's lived with her he hasn't paid a dime in rent, utilities, whatever. He keeps her from her family (we went from seeing her twice a week or more to seeing her every six weeks or so, and then only for a limited amount of time because she has to get home to Jason).

She works with her mom. She has totally screwed up there and she's getting fired tomorrow. This is a huge thing because the owner of the company (her mom's long time boyfriend) is basically the man that raised her once her father went crazy. He's like a father to her, and he's firing her. She's screwed up way too much, and lost him a few big clients. She's slacking and plain doesn't care. And things are getting rough between her mom and her boyfriend/boss because of Sharla.

But the worst part is that Sharla stole a LOT of money from her mother. Over six thousand dollars, over the course of 2-3 months. She drained her mom's money market account and took money out of her mother's saving and checking account. Her mom has really worked hard since her divorce to make a nice life for them, and for herself. She works hard and gives her kids everything. She doesn't ask for much, but she lives comfortably.

Not anymore. Not only did she completely drain all her mother's accounts, but she's not paying her bills. She hasn't paid her car payment in about 4 months, and her mom is on the loan so she has to pay it or else. She isn't paying her student loans and her mom is also the cosigner on those. Her cell phone is in her mom's name, so her mom has been paying that as well. And Sharla goes out and gets a phone in HER name for the idiot boyfriend because he has bad credit and can't get his own. HELLO!?!?! You get bad credit by not paying your bills!

Now she wants her mother to give her a thousand dollars to put a deposit down on a new apartment. The boyfriend won't lift a finger. Her lease is up at the end of July, and if she doesn't have the cash for the new place, she's out on her ass. She and her mom have had MAJOR arguments because she wants to move in their, WITH the loser boyfriend. Her mom has said she can come home, but NOT him (perfectly reasonable I think). Well now, her mom doesn't even want her there. So basically Sharla may be without a place to live in a few weeks.

Plus she has been offered a job by someone I know personally. As a nanny for twins. Now this woman is a client of mine (totally unrelated how they got together though) and I originally vouched for Sharla, but I am now feeling like I made a mistake. But I don't want to say anything, because she NEEDS a job.

Now to the drugs part. I hope you're with me so far.
Sharla was in rehab about 7 years ago for four months. It about killed her mother and was really the catalyst that led to her parents splitting up (not the only reason of course, but essentially the nail in the coffin). Her mother was strung out, financially and emotionally, but eventually Sharla got over it and was fine again.

But... the recent activities...

She meets this guy. Suddenly she starts becoming more and more withdrawn from the family. This is about the time the money started disappearing. She also started slipping on her bills, and her mom started making her car payment. Things get worse, and the thefts get bolder. Her mom found out about it about 2 months ago, and when the bank finally called her and said they were closing the account as the original 6-7 grand was gone, and the account was now about 2k in the hole. That's roughly 7 THOUSAND dollars over a 4-5 month period. PLUS her $350 a week salary, PLUS whatever the boyfriend's salary is (he's a mortgage broker, but he does pay child support for three kids), PLUS she wasn't paying most of her bills anyway. Some of the bills her mother can trace... for makeup, groceries, whatever. But then there are withdrawals of $300 or $500, sometimes a few a week.

Coupled with the money is the fact that her attitude has completely changed. She's not interested in anything anymore. She slacks off at work and refuses to put out her own fires, leaving them for her mom to deal with. And she never comes around anymore. She calls almost everyday to talk, but whenever we ask her to come over, she says she can't. It's always that she has to be with Jason. Her mom only sees her at work and when she brings laundry by.

She came over last night and was a total space cadet. She got her free meal, and left shortly afterwards. She was out of it all night.

Jean and I have talked about it amongst ourselves a few times, wondering if she might be back on drugs. But since we were in MN when she was in rehab, we never saw the signs the first time. I figured that surely the other people would recognize something, you know?

And the worst part of this is what she has done to her mother. Her mom called us in tears last night. She is a 50 year old woman and she can't pay her bills. Her credit has dropped by about 200 points over the last 3-4 months (paying bills late mostly). She went from living a nice life to not being able to buy groceries. She has homeowner's insurance due and doesn't have the cash. She still has a 15 year old son at home that she can't provide all the things he wants (to his credit, DK is an AMAZING kid. Super mature and knows the whole situation and is absolutely fine with not getting a car, brown bagging lunch for awhile, not going out and spending money. GREAT young man). And Sharla still keeps hitting at her for more more more. There is no more. Amey can't even cover her own butt anymore.

I don't know what to do. I told Amey to cut her off, period. Let her fall flat on her face. I know it hurts to see her your kid suffer, but some people need to go through tough times to straighten out. I really believe you can't make it until you fail. Sharla needs to fail. I told her mom to take the car, stop giving her any money, cancel the cell phone, stop paying the student loans, and make Sharla take care of herself. It's about damn time. And if that means working 2 jobs, oh well. But she keeps saying Sharla won't do that, she's too lazy. Well then that's a choice. There are plenty of people in this country who take a 2 hour bus ride to work, work twelve hours straight, and then ride the bus home to their 3 kids and do it all again the next day. She can too.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if we should confront her, or what. But mostly I can't stand seeing her mother go down with the ship. It's not fair.

Also, I kinda want some back up. Does this sound like a person on drugs? Because while I know the 'warning signs' I have never known anyone (to my knowledge) at the height of a drug problem.

Sorry this got so unbelievably long.


edited by Mod for language

[mamato1]

I hate to say it, but sounds like classic drug abuse to me. I think that you have given Sharla's mom the right advice. IME there is no force on this planet that can make a person quit drugs or start living up to their responsibilities until they really want to. There is absolutely no reason for Sharla to pull it together at this point. Why should she? She is getting bailed out of every difficulty she faces.

You could try confronting her, but frankly I don't see it making a difference. I think that your job as her friend is to continue to be loving and supportive, but not tolerant of this kind of behavior. She needs to be told in a kind way that she is no longer Charlie's Godmother. Our instinct, so often with people we love, is to lift them up. Often that is not really the right thing to do. The right thing to do is to stand by while they fall and be there to help them brush themselves off.

FWIW, I really think you have to withdraw your recommendation for the nanny position. It is not right to put those little ones in the harm's way. IMHO that is what would be happening if they were in her care right now.

The people I work with are much younger than your friend, but I have found ToughLove to be a savior for many of the parents I work with. I would imagine Sharla's mom could at least get some ideas from this website http://www.toughlove.com/

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Chris

Mama to Brendan (aka Boomer) 01/16/04


http://b3.lilypie.com/FnI6m5/.png

[mamato1]

I hate to say it, but sounds like classic drug abuse to me. I think that you have given Sharla's mom the right advice. IME there is no force on this planet that can make a person quit drugs or start living up to their responsibilities until they really want to. There is absolutely no reason for Sharla to pull it together at this point. Why should she? She is getting bailed out of every difficulty she faces.

You could try confronting her, but frankly I don't see it making a difference. I think that your job as her friend is to continue to be loving and supportive, but not tolerant of this kind of behavior. She needs to be told in a kind way that she is no longer Charlie's Godmother. Our instinct, so often with people we love, is to lift them up. Often that is not really the right thing to do. The right thing to do is to stand by while they fall and be there to help them brush themselves off.

FWIW, I really think you have to withdraw your recommendation for the nanny position. It is not right to put those little ones in the harm's way. IMHO that is what would be happening if they were in her care right now.

The people I work with are much younger than your friend, but I have found ToughLove to be a savior for many of the parents I work with. I would imagine Sharla's mom could at least get some ideas from this website http://www.toughlove.com/

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Chris

Mama to Brendan (aka Boomer) 01/16/04


http://b3.lilypie.com/FnI6m5/.png

[KBecks]

Well, I don't know much about the signs of drug use, but I'd have to imagine this sounds like it could be caused by drugs.

This is a big problem. I do think the mom needs to protect herself, but don't really know the best measures.

Perhaps the mom can get some support and ideas from a drug support group or whatever, parents of drug addicts, etc. etc. for some been there done that perspective and advice.

Otherwise, maybe there are some online resources too you could research for her?

I think if the mom can keep the daughter from stealing and mooching, she can probably cover her own finances again, so that sounds more like a temporary issue. Although, co-signing for loans is a big problem...... maybe there's a way she can get out of that, but she may be stuck, which sucks.

Perhaps the mom could also talk to the loan holders or an HONEST financial advisor for some help about how to deal with the co-signed loans.

Ack, sorry this sucks so bad for your friends.

[KBecks]

Well, I don't know much about the signs of drug use, but I'd have to imagine this sounds like it could be caused by drugs.

This is a big problem. I do think the mom needs to protect herself, but don't really know the best measures.

Perhaps the mom can get some support and ideas from a drug support group or whatever, parents of drug addicts, etc. etc. for some been there done that perspective and advice.

Otherwise, maybe there are some online resources too you could research for her?

I think if the mom can keep the daughter from stealing and mooching, she can probably cover her own finances again, so that sounds more like a temporary issue. Although, co-signing for loans is a big problem...... maybe there's a way she can get out of that, but she may be stuck, which sucks.

Perhaps the mom could also talk to the loan holders or an HONEST financial advisor for some help about how to deal with the co-signed loans.

Ack, sorry this sucks so bad for your friends.

[KBecks]

ITA on rescinding or at least pulling back on the nanny recommendation. You could let the folks know that Sharla appears to be going through a difficult time now.... she's a great person but you think she has some personal problems that may prevent her from doing a good job *right now*.

[KBecks]

ITA on rescinding or at least pulling back on the nanny recommendation. You could let the folks know that Sharla appears to be going through a difficult time now.... she's a great person but you think she has some personal problems that may prevent her from doing a good job *right now*.

[egoldber]

I'm very sorry. I've seen almost this exact same scenario in my own family. IMO, its either drugs or your friend is completely under the thumb of an abusive/addictive boyfriend or both.

[npace19147]

Wow, what an awful situation. I haven't btdt so I can't comment directly, but I do agree with a PP that you need to rescind the recommendation for the nanny position. (And maybe stronger than rescind, recommend against. If something happened to those kids while they were in your friend's care you'd never forgive yourself.)

Hope things turn around, esp for your friend's mom. Gives me shivers sometimes to think about how life doesn't turn out the way you plan it.

[lizajane]

oh, i am so sad for you and your friend and her mom... and jean. and charlie. and everybody. sigh.

first, you are a great friend just for noticing the change in her. not just the change in her behavior, but in her personality. she is not happy and even if she doesn't realize it, whatever is going on is making her unhappy. and no one wants to be unhappy. so i bet- even if she can't realize it herself- she wants things to change.

my first two thoughts are drugs or an abusive boyfriend. is there any evidence to suggest that he is physically, or just as important, emotionally abusing her? does she need to be removed for that relationship?

if it were me, i would encourage amey to cut her off completely, unless she is willing to seek help. she may need rehab, she may need financial conseling, she may need battered women's couseling, she may just need therapy. but a condition of financial assistance in any way is CHANGE and progress toward that change. and definitely suggest to amey that she change ALL her accounts, etc so that sharla CANNOT get to her money.

i would tell sharla that i was willing to help her get to couseling, find a way to separate from the boyfriend, or seek financial assistance in terms of credit couseling, etc. but i would NOT be willing to help her continue the behavior that is hurting her.

perhaps an intervention is the right step. gathering the people who care about her together and confronting her face to face.

and i would definitely recant the job recommendation. if anyone cares about children, it is you. and i know you cannot bear the responsibilty of putting those twins at risk with someone who is unable to care for herself, much less for others.

in my limited experience, it does sound like drugs. and in my limited experience, people who are on drugs do NOT want to be and WANT to be helped. the person about whom i am speaking CRIED when i told her that her parents asked me over and over if she was on drugs because she was so hurt that they never asked her- she thought "they didn't know the difference." i was too young at the time to know that i should have told the truth. i would have told on her if they had asked me just ONE more time. but i didnt' tell on her because they didn't ask me one more time. and i wish i had. it would have changed her life. in the end, everything worked out well for her. but it was a tough road.

[buddyleebaby]

As a nanny for twins. Now this woman is a client of mine (totally unrelated how they got together though) and I originally vouched for Sharla, but I am now feeling like I made a mistake. But I don't want to say anything, because she NEEDS a job.


If you really believe she is on drugs, better to let her be without a job than to endanger the lives of two children.

[KBecks]

Not to mention, if she's stolen from her mom, she may be inclined to also steal from your client if she has any access at all to cash, account information or other valuables.

[Splash]

Yeah, I'm more concerned about the stealing aspect than the endangering children.
Regardless of anything, she LOVES kids and I KNOW she would never put a child in danger. And though I wouldn't want her randomly babysitting right now, I would still be hard pressed to find someone else that I trust as much as her to care for my child.

We went to her mom's tonight. We gave her the cash to make ends meet this month, and of course she cried profusely. She really is at the point where she realizes some tough love is called for, and she is gonna do it.

She talked to DK, her son (15). He is such an AMAZING kid. He told her that if she needed him to get a job, he would. He said if it ever got to where she though she couldn't make it, to tell him and he would work whatever he legally could in order to take some of the strain off of her. And that he will drink generic coke and he doesn't need all the things she gets him, and he doesn't care if he ever gets a car, he can walk where he needs/wants to go. She said that she was so upset because she WANTS to do these things for him and she wants to make him happy. He told her he was happy because he has an awesome mom who loves him and provides for him and he doesn't need more than that. And that his role as the man of the house is to help out when he is needed, and if that means an after school job, so be it.
Oh, and he dug 20 bucks out of his 'piggy bank' for her to go get groceries with tonight.

How many 15 year old boys like that exist? Not many I bet.

She's refinancing her house with cash out and it should go through in the next month. But she has 2 grand in bills due within the next two weeks and her bank accounts are still in the red.

But I really think that she's going to have an intervention of sorts with her this week. She's demanding that Sharla return her house keys and she's taking a key to the car. She's giving her 6 weeks to shape up, and if she doesn't start paying ALL her bills, she's taking the car. I brought up the possibility tonight of DK getting a part time job to help with the car payments, and then when he gets his license, the car is his. But really just helping out now to 'hold' it for him. She's okay with that and I don't know any 15 year old boy who wouldn't jump at the chance to have a 2006 PT cruiser fully loaded for 2-3 hours a day after school bagging groceries!

She'll get there. I felt like I was enabling the enabler tonight, but Amey really sees that there are no other options. She 'gets it' that she HAS to cut Sharla off, otherwise she's gonna go down with the ship.

As far as the drugs... I am just going to flat out ask her what she is on. I won't ask IF she is on anything, because I know she'll say no and she's probably got herself programmed to say no. But if I ask her WHAT she is on, it's harder to recover and lie well. I hate to accuse with no proof, but what choice do I have?

And I am going to call the mother of the twins tomorrow and tell her that I think Shar is a great person and in better times would be a wonderful nanny, but at this time I think she has too many personal issues to do a good job. Does that sound fair enough? Getting the point across without completely maligning her?

[mamato1]

I think that is a perfect thing to say to the mother of the twins. Best of luck and please keep us posted. I am hoping this cloud does indeed have a silver lining and that she is ready for change.

Chris

edited for typos

Mama to Brendan (aka Boomer) 01/16/04


http://b3.lilypie.com/FnI6m5/.png

[buddyleebaby]

Regardless of anything, she LOVES kids and I KNOW she would never put a child in danger

The fact is though, that she may have no idea WHAT she's doing, should she happen to show up high one day.

[ShayleighCarsensMom]

Sounds to me like she is either on drugs or living a very extravagent lifestyle.
I think someone needs to drop by her place unexpectedly and have a heart to heart with her...
and mom needs to talk to a lawyer to find out how to get her name off the bills AND stop paying them!
Big hugs to you!

[Jenn98]

You don't need to say anything other than you have a few reservations and you felt obligated to mention that. Any mom would really appreciate that kind of a heads up.

[KBecks]

6 weeks seems really generous with the car.... Is mom making payments on the daughter's car? I'm not sure I understand correctly. Anyway, I have a gut feel that the car could be too much of a financial burden on the mom, and I'd hate to see her bogged down with it. I also hope that the car doesn't get wrecked or "stolen" or otherwise screwed up in the next 6 weeks -- I'd normally doubt it, but I'd be very wary of trusting someone who has stolen thousands. Anyway, it sounds like that deal is done.... it's way generous IMO.

The son sounds like a great kid and thank goodness for that! I still dont' think he NEEDS a new car, great as he may be, and I still think that the insurance, etc. etc. would be more of a burden on the mom's finances while she's trying to recover from the theft.
And ITA with someone who said mom should consider documenting the theft with the police...... it's harsh, but so is stealing thousands of dollars from your MOM!

I agree you can be vague on the recommendation withdrawal. You could say something that some personal stuff has come up in Sharla's life and that a nanny job right now probably isn't a good fit right now.... I'd try to find phrasing that would make it clear that now is not a good time, but it's a temporary issue, and 6 months or a year from now things might be A-OK. Ack, I'm not good at phrasing this stuff.

Anyway, hang in there, and it's so nice you are helping. I'll keep this family in my thoughts and prayers.

[Splash]

Yeah, mom makes the car payments.
She's giving her six weeks because she doesn't feel like she can/should cut her off all at once. Mom has been enabling this for sure. And now she's going to stop, so she feels like she should give 'warning' you know?

As for giving the car to DK, well, she promised him a car. And he would be totally cool with not getting one (he doesn't want to get his license until he is 17 anyway, because he has an October birthday and is therefore older than all the kids in his class, and doesn't want to have his license a year before them. Smart boy). She just figures that she would rather pay for it for DK than for Sharla! And also since DK so generously offered to get a job and give her all the money, it only seems fair he get something, you know? Like she'll keep up with the insurance but for now he makes the payments. And then when he starts driving, he has this sweet car that he has to make the payments on, but she pays the insurance. Right now she is paying EVERYTHING and it's not getting her or DK anything.

I know she did get fired today, with six weeks notice and she can leave at any time. Basically her boss didn't want to kick her out on her butt, and didn't want to do that to her mom either. But she doesn't care that she got fired. And Amey called me earlier and told me that Shar was going to her house tonight and she was going to go over it all with her.