How to help DS be nicer to DD

[KrisM]

DS is just being mean to DD. I know he's only 2 and his life is different now that he has a sister, but he's just being mean now. In the past, he's never really been a hitter, but he'll just go up to her in her swing and hit her in the head! He likes to bat the pacifier out of her mouth and do other things to just terrorize her. He'll then say "I make baby cry" with a little smile on his face.

DD is such an easy going baby, we are able to still spend lots of one-on-one time with DS. He and I are still doing all the events with our MOMS Club that we would do without DD. Overall, his day-to-day activites haven't changed too much. Mostly, it's a lot more waiting for DD to eat, or get her diaper changed, or whatever, so that I can do something for him.

I am not having any luck with timeouts or reasoning or anything else trying to get him to be nicer. Will this just pass? Any suggestions?

[Lovingliv]

Kris, I applaud you for keeping Andrew's routine as normal as possible. I give you a lot of credit for being able to continue with all the things you and he did before DD.
I don't have a two year old, or even more than one child so I can't give you any BTDT advice.
At the risk of sounding idealistic, could you put him in his crib with no toys for three minutes when he hurts/terrorizes her? Maybe a timeout where he has no option will work? My DD was recently biting me and some of the advice the ped gave me was to tell her "that hurts Mommy". Not so sure it worked...but i got to the point that I would try anything. What about taking a way a priviledge when he is mean to her?
I am sure it will pass. I was very jealous of my baby sister when she arrived. I scratched her face (and yes, it is a scar she still has today). I was only 2 as well. But ever since I can remember, I have loved and cherished my little sister. I would do anything for her. When you blink Mama, it will be like that. It may just take a little time. Big hugs during this tough adjustment!

[jenjenfirenjen]

Well that just sucks Kris. We've only had one incident when Luke hit the baby on purpose but I got so upset, I decided if it continues, I'll bring out the pack and play and put him in there away from the action for a minute when he does hurt the baby on purpose. Luke HATES to be ignored/taken away from all the action so I think it would work.

You said time-outs haven't worked with Andrew though. I don't what to tell you. It may just be that you have to keep a really close eye on him for now and try to just prevent it, re-direct him when he tries to attack her. If it's nothing that hurts her (just taking away paci, for example) maybe try just replacing paci and ignoring him. He may just be doing it to get your attention.

Also, if he is ever nice to her, really try to praise that.

Hang in there mama!

[buddyleebaby]

Well, keep in mind this is not BTDT advice.
Do you think he might go for being your helper? Like fetching a diaper when it's time to change her, picking up her paci when it falls? (And of course being praised and hugged profusely when he does something to help.) I would also remove him when he hits her. Taking away her paci is one thing, but he needs to know hitting her is NOT ok. I would just look at him and say something like "Uh oh. Hitting hurts the baby. I guess you can't play with us right now."
I know you said you have tried this things, my only advice is to stick with it. It is a normal phase he's going through. My cousin was three when her brother was born, and tried to put him in the washing machine.....
Hugs, hope it gets better soon.

[m448]

The helper thing is great. If you have a spare moment to breath I recommend the book Siblings Without Rivalry. Also, acknowledging to him that he may not always love his sibling and that's okay. Let him know he's got time for that. Letting the bad feelings out allows for good ones to come in KWIM?

Finally in due time you'll naturally see an improvement. I have and even though he still takes a swipe when he feels we're paying undue attention to his little bro they're fewer and farther between and he's even *gasp* hugging and kissing him or smiling when the little munchkin laughs.

Hang in there.


Marielle


Ian - born 10/03
&
Ryan - born 01/06

[Wife_and_mommy]

only have a minute but yes, dd is doing the same. she'll be kissy/huggy then BOP! it happens mostly when my attention is diverted from them so I know that's a trigger but I can't have my eye on her 24/7. I try not to leave them alone but sometimes she's fine so it's touch/go here.

Keep in mind it's a major transition for him. We're doing timeouts and "that hurts" as well as kisses/sorries too

gotta go but hope it gets better quickly.



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[brittone2]

No BTDT advice at all, although this is something I need to read up on with #2 coming.

I'm so sorry, and I'm sure it is sooooo hard to see both your older child feeling some big feelings that lead to this kind of behavior, and also hard to see your little one be the target of those feelings.

I think www.gentlechristianmothers.com has some good info on this if you have a chance (yeah, I'm sure you have loads of time on your hands!!) to look around.

I'd try to encourage him to make amends when he hurts his sister. I am not a fan of forced apologies but I'd talk with him and see if he can come up with some ways to help her feel better (share one of his toys with her, pat her on the back, give her a kiss, etc.). Long term that's what I'd want to encourage. My fear with time outs in a situation like that is that it could actually lead to more resentment of the sibling, if that makes sense?

Maybe consider something like a comfort corner (again, a sticky from www.gentlechristianmothers.com) for him? Not so much a forced/isolated time out but a chance to regroup and feel better...maybe you and DD would go there with him if possible.

I'm very scared about having 2 myself :( I know some of this is inevitable but I'm sure dreading it.

I definitely want to pick up Siblings without Rivalry. I haven't read it, but am a big fan of How to Talk So your Kids will Listen and Listen so Your Kids will Talk (or whatever the exact title is LOL) and also LIberated Parents, Liberated Children, which are by the same authors.

[jenjenfirenjen]

Beth, as always you just have the best, most thoughtful advice. That's a really good point about time-outs making them more resentful. And maybe punishment isn't the best idea, instead try to help them with their feelings.

I'm so glad you are on these boards. You always help me see another side and re-think my first instinct (which is often not the best choice) and I think I'm a better mother because of your advice.

[jbowman]

One thing DH and I do is turn to Alice and say, "baby Alice, you'll have to wait while I change Ellie's diaper (get her something to drink, help her with a puzzle, read a book, etc)." This, in our experience, lets Ellie know that her needs are still important, and that Alice has to wait too (just as Ellie has to wait). Alice has had no idea what's going on, though, since she really doesn't speak English yet. ;)

[barbarhow]

Jack went through a period of this and still occasionally hits Anna. I have a zero tolerance policy for hitting, puching and kicking. Anyone of these got and still gets a timeout for Jack. No warning anymore.
We, too did not have to change our day to day activities much. One of the things that I did encourage was having him "help" me with taking care of Anna. He would pass me wipes, a diaper, socks or whatever. I think it helped him to feel involved. He helped us bathe her, too. I think letting him feel like she needed him and we needed his help to care for her helped some of this pass. They get along pretty wonderfully now.
When you do a timeout do you remove him to a place where he can't see you? I think sometimes that helps.
Good luck. Keep us posted and enjoy you new little one.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
and Anna 5/12/05, my little Yankee fan!

[dhano923]

This was one thing I was worried about when I was expecting DD. DS is not normally an aggressive child, but you never know! We had gotten the book "I'm Going To Be A Big Brother" for him, which deals with a new baby, how big brother can help hold and feed it, why babies cry sometimes, etc. It's targeted towards younger children. DS loved the book (still does) and we used to tell him "You're going to help feed Baby Kiran too right?" and "Are you going to help Mommy change Baby Kiran's diaper?" I think it helped prepare him a little.

When DD actually arrived, Kabir became Mommy Junior. LOL I'm not joking. She's a pretty good baby and only cries when she's hungry or sleepy. If she's crying, he'll tell me "Kiran crying, milk!" or "Kiran bottle NOW!" Or if he sees a bottle, he'll run over and get it and pop it into her mouth (after doing this a couple times, I learned to pick up the old bottles right after feedings). If she's stinky, he'll run and grab a diaper and a couple wipes and bring them to me. He loves to hold her and hug her, and he always says "Kiran, my baby. My kid. Best friend ever" (that makes me want to cry, and I'm not a big cryer! LOL)

There have been a couple times where Kabir gets antsy, like when he's hungry and I'm feeding the baby. I just tell him "You have to be patient, right now is Kiran's turn, next time is your turn". Another thing I do is I don't always put Kiran first. For example, bath time, I give him his bath first and then her. For diaper changes, I take turns who goes first. That way he's not always waiting for his turn. I think this helps a lot.

[brittone2]

Wow, what an incredibly nice thing to say :)

FWIW, I have no BTDT experience and I'm sure when I'm in the midst of the emotionally charged situation of having DS interact with baby #2, I'm going to have to reread my own advice LOL. I'm sure i'll be hitting up all of the BTDT moms of 2 or more (like you!!) desperately asking for help ;) I've learned so much here from other moms as well, and this place has made me a better mama.

Not sure how I'm going to handle 2 ;) Can you coach me when #2 arrives??? :)

[Momof3Labs]

How do you react when he hits his sister? Does he get your immediate and undivided attention? That might be what he is seeking at that moment - regardless of whether it is positive or negative attention.

Also, with DS1, we found that it helped tremendously to take some advice here and make a point of giving him 15-30 minutes of total, undivided attention each day where he gets to decide (within reason, of course) what you'll do together - read books, play games, go for a walk, whatever. So, time when DS2 wasn't even around, there were no chores to be done, there are no other kids or mommies around, you don't even answer the phone. You might feel like your DS is getting a lot of one-on-one time, but perhaps it's not as undivided as he needs.

But, too, he is *only* two, and won't change overnight. It's hard to have age-appropriate expectations of your big kids sometimes, but it's even more important as everyone transitions to their new roles wtih a new baby in the house. To him, it isn't being mean or hurting baby sister since he doesn't have the ability to empathize (did I use the right word?). It's about taking out some 2yo frustration on his world around him, getting mommy's attention, etc.

[KrisM]

Well, our house is falling apart :). I decided it was more important to keep DS doing his normal things than it was to keep everything neat and tidy. So, that's how I did it!

[KrisM]

Thanks. He definitely has his really nice times, too. I have great photos of him giving her kisses, etc. He likes to find her paci and replace it, although roughly. I encourage that all the time.

I think you might have it with the attention thing. Even though we've kept much of his life the same, I know it is a big change for him.

It does suck!

[KrisM]

He's a great helper. Most days, her socks don't match because DS picks them out. Today, he picked out her outfit as well. He comes up to help change her diaper every time and gets a wipe ready for me. It's weird because he can be super nice and helpful and then get mean really fast.

[KrisM]

Thanks for the book recommendation. I will check the library now.

[KrisM]

Your thoughts on time outs make sense. I'll have to think of something that'll work for him. I'm trying really hard to be calm when he does something, as I know if I get too upset, he gets upset and when he is upset he hits and acts out more. It's tough though.

But, as I've said, he has some great moments with her, too.

[KrisM]

He gets lots of 1 on 1 time with both DH and me. DD is a sleeper still and while she naps, we are out on the swingset or playing trains or whatever. She's nearby, but asleep. That's about the best I can do during the day. On weekends, he usually goes to the park for an hour or so with one of us each day. Most weeknights, he gets some time, but not as much as weekends, of course. But, I'll pay more attention to whether it is really 1 on 1 or if DD is really around.

Yes, he is definitely 2!

[brittone2]

Maybe also try actually teaching him *how* to interact with her appropriately? Sometimes I think at this age they really just don't know how to interact with a little immobile person, kwim? The baby may be sort of just like an object ;)

You could try to show him things he can do that she likes, how to make her smile, tell him she likes when he dances for her and make a big deal over those interactions. Maybe that would help?