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View Full Version : Family vs couple time. How do you do balance them?



kozachka
07-16-2006, 06:32 PM
DH complains about lack of personal time both for himself and for us as a couple and is pushing for DS to spend more time with sitters. I feel like we, and especially DH, are already spending very little time with DS. We both work, DS is in daycare 9 AM-7 PM. DH wants somebody else to pick DS up from daycare, feed him and than "we'll be able to enjoy DS and our life more". DH says he can't eat with DS so since I've started working just over a month ago and ask DH to help with DS both in the morning and in the evening, DH all but quit eating breakfast and dinner. It does not help that lately DS gets asleep much later, 10-10:30 instead of 9-9:15. By the time we are done putting him to sleep, DH can't be bothered eating and will most of the time get asleep at the same time as DS.

We do hire sitters. At least every other week-end we have this one older lady, who treats DS as if he were her own grandson, and who DS loves, come over for a few hours (4-6) so that we can go out but she is only available during the day (no earlier than 11AM, can't stay past 9PM) so we can't go out at night and lives an hour away so won't come for just an hour. We've also used a student who is our neighbour but she is travelling and dating so often not available.

On a deeper level, I think kids should be parented by their parents. Not nannies. Not even grandparents. Even if we could find somebody that we like who'd be available for short periods of time (which is a big if), I don't think we should rely upon other people to care for our child on a regular basis. This is not a matter of money, nannies cost $1-$2/hr where we are, but a matter of principle. DH says he was raised by a live-in nanny and grandma (which his mom disagrees with but is at least partially true) and everybody we know has/had a live-in help. I feel like I have to choose between DS and DH and it's not fair. And while DH does not have tons of personal time as he used to pre-DS he did go to an office party last Saturday and to a shmoozing cruise this Saturday. He does have a stressful job but so do I and I am tired of picking up slack after him.

For now as a compromise I offered that I pick DS up from daycare 3 nights a week (M, W, Fr) and DH can have till 8PM to write his short stories in the office and whatnot. We'll see if this works.

megs4413
07-16-2006, 06:55 PM
No advice, but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're struggling! It is really hard to balance time once you have little ones....I, too, hate leaving DD with sitters for any amount of time....I hope you find a solution that works for all of you!

hillview
07-16-2006, 07:50 PM
I agree -- I want to be DS's parent and so while I am working we have a nanny but nights and mornings it's us. 1x every week or 2 we have someone watch him (usually it is every 2 weeks) for a night so we can have a night out. I wouldn't be for having someone regular at night.
HTH
/hillary

LD92599
07-16-2006, 08:09 PM
We're also struggling to find couple time here as well. Doesn't help at all that DS hasn't been going to sleep until all lights are out, TV off, etc. We're trying to get back into a sleep routine and once that happens (it's a work in progress) then we'll make sure to set time aside at night for each other, w/o a computer on, etc.

We were away from home last night w/ DS to a family function. It was strange sitting with each other and not running to the computer all the time. Nice, of course!

Laura
Will is three...and doesn't sleep :-(

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deborah_r
07-16-2006, 08:55 PM
My son goes to daycare 4 days per week, from about 8:30-5:30, and I would not be willing to give up any more time with him than that, except for very occasionally, but not on a regular basis. We pretty much take him everywhere and just integrate him into our lives. Sometimes I do long for some adult time, but to me, this is what we signed on for when we decided to have a child.

However, I can see how this wouldn't work for everyone. You wouldn't want your DH to resent him, so while my inclination is to say he needs to suck it up and deal, I guess on some level you may need to respect what he is saying he needs. It does disturb me that he seems to see your DS as such a burden to his life. But maybe his upbringing is influencing the way he is seeing this?

My first thought wa to aim for an earlier bedtime, but I can't see how much earlier you can get it when he's at daycare so late already.

Can you elaborate on why he can't eat with your DS? I can't figure that one out.

I'm sorry you feel like you have to choose between your DH and DS - I would feel that way too in your situation. It would almost be easier if he was just asking for more personal time for himself, but he's asking you to spend more time away from your DS, and it doesn't sound like you want that. My final thought is that you have only been back to work for a month, so maybe it some time to let this new routine settle in, try to tweak the routine a bit, and see if he is still feeling this way a month from now.

deborah_r
07-16-2006, 08:55 PM
My son goes to daycare 4 days per week, from about 8:30-5:30, and I would not be willing to give up any more time with him than that, except for very occasionally, but not on a regular basis. We pretty much take him everywhere and just integrate him into our lives. Sometimes I do long for some adult time, but to me, this is what we signed on for when we decided to have a child.

However, I can see how this wouldn't work for everyone. You wouldn't want your DH to resent him, so while my inclination is to say he needs to suck it up and deal, I guess on some level you may need to respect what he is saying he needs. It does disturb me that he seems to see your DS as such a burden to his life. But maybe his upbringing is influencing the way he is seeing this?

My first thought wa to aim for an earlier bedtime, but I can't see how much earlier you can get it when he's at daycare so late already.

Can you elaborate on why he can't eat with your DS? I can't figure that one out.

I'm sorry you feel like you have to choose between your DH and DS - I would feel that way too in your situation. It would almost be easier if he was just asking for more personal time for himself, but he's asking you to spend more time away from your DS, and it doesn't sound like you want that. My final thought is that you have only been back to work for a month, so maybe it some time to let this new routine settle in, try to tweak the routine a bit, and see if he is still feeling this way a month from now.