paging Kristen (g-mama) - would love your au pair wisdom

[firstbaby]

We took the plunge and picked an au pair from Brazil that will be here in 4 short weeks! Yikes! We are preparing for her on all levels - getting her room together, preparing ourselves for an extra person in the house, etc. We are very excited but nervous. Some questions for you:

1) What types of things besides a bed, dresser, sheets, towels, did you have in her room for her?

2) How do you get over feeling like you are "hosting" a guest in your home? I can see myself now feeling like I can eat a tuna sandwich for dinner but need to make something nicer for a guest.

3) How did you transition her with the kids? Did it feel like it may have been overwhelming for her to watch the kids all together at first?

4) I have a 2 1/2 year old and 3 month old and I work from home. What can I do to make it easier for her to be "in charge" with the kids while I am around besides stay completely out of sight?

5) What do we need to do for her to get a VA driver's license?

6) Did you change your long distance plan to give you better international rates for her to call home? Am I worried about a "non-issue"?

7) any other tips / strategies / etc for adjusting to this?

TIA for your help - I am never sure if I PM correctly so thought I would post :)

[g-mama]

Hi there! Congratulations on your decision. I hope it all works out. Our au pair is from Brazil, also and we're very pleased with her. Let me see if I can answer all your questions.

1) Besides the things you mentioned, we had a TV, a mirrored vanity tray, an alarm clock, a makeup mirror, laundry baskets, a hairdryer, and a vase with some fresh flowers on the day she arrived. I also put out a few magazines.

2) I don't know how I got over that feeling, but at some point I just did. She's been here almost 3 mos now and I've stopped feeling that way in the past few weeks. I will admit that I cook more dinners than I did before because I do feel like there is someone here who will want to eat dinner and it seems like I should. While in a way that feels burdensome, it's been a good thing for our family and dh sure loves it! :P We have been having more family dinners and it's been nice, although sometimes it is me, her and the kids. She will usually tell me if she has made other plans for dinner and I take advantage and make something really, really simple (like grilled cheese) on those nights. Along those lines, up til recently, I felt like I had to worry about lunch for her, as in tell her what I was having and offer her some, or suggest to her things she might want to have. That's kind of evolved as she is more comfortable in our house and she'll help herself more.

3) I did try to ease her into caring for all 3 of mine at once. I didn't do that to her for a while! I'd go out right after putting the baby or my 2yo down for a nap, so it wasn't so demanding. In your case, you have two and that seems more manageable. Plus, the baby will sleep a lot.

4) My neighbor just got an au pair about 3 weeks ago and is in your same situation; her kids are even almost the same ages as yours. She is really pleased with everything but says that her being at home is the single biggest challenge she's facing. She just told me today that they've gotten the au pair a cell phone and the two of them talk on the phone inside the house and the au pair tries to take the 2yo outside or to another room if the mom is coming or going or going to the kitchen, etc. - LOL. I'm sure that will get better but it's hard for now.

In my situation, it's hard because I'm not working and the kids do come to me all the time. And I don't turn them away because I'm not working like you are. I use our au pair as more of a mother's helper, an extra set of hands. If they ask me to do something while I'm busy or with one of the others, I just tell them to ask Renata and more and more, they're willing to do so. It took awhile though.

5) She had an international drivers license from Brazil that was good for 2 months. She had to go to the DMV and take both the written (computer multiple choice) test and a practical driving test. She had to take the written test FIVE times. She's 26 and has been driving since 18, but it was the English that kept tripping her up. Her English is not great and that's been more of a stumbling block than I had thought. Anyway, that was a bit of a nightmare but she finally passed it. To have her added to our insurance cost an extra $500/year.

6) We didn't change our long distance because - lucky for her - her father got some kind of calling card for her that basically allows her to call home and the bill comes to him. Prior to her getting that, I signed up with a service I found oline called Penny Talk that gave cheap international calling rates if you used the code. I don't know how I would have handled charging her for the usage because we never had to go there.

7) Communication is key. I found out after several conversations that she didn't understand what I was saying, but she didn't tell me that. I mentioned that our ability to understand one another has been an issue. So many people told me that the English will come very quickly and not to worry about it. It hasn't come as quickly as I thought it would and communication is sometimes a struggle. Also, be upfront about things. Confrontation is very difficult for me and that's been an issue. I end up stewing about things and complaining to dh in the evening. He's not really interested in hearing me bitch about it when the whole point was for this to make my life easier. So try to be open with her and tell her from the beginning what you need, how to do things that are important to you, etc.

Also, I have a document that someone sent to me and I used it to customize for our family. It's a manual that goes over a lot of important stuff. If you want, I can send it to you. Let me know. My e-mail is kvicencio @ cox dot net.


~Kristen

Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03
Marco 12-05

[Momof3Labs]

Thought I'd jump in since our German au pair has been here for all of four days now!

1) A plant, an alarm clock, a little desk (she brought her laptop), laundry basket, hangers, a comfy chair and a lamp.

2) I decided ahead of time that this was going to make my life easier, not harder. So Sunday evening, when DH was working, she and I ate our Chinese leftovers from the night before, and DS1 had mac & cheese. Just what I would have done had she not been here!

3) We have been having her work with one child at a time. She's been alone with DS2 but not DS1 yet (though she's been with him while I've showered, etc.). She has taken DS1 through his bedtime routine, and has helped me take both boys through. Bedtime is the hardest for us since they go down at the same time, so we're gradually working her up to that. Tomorrow she has both boys while I work at home, so we'll see how it goes.

4) Our au pair has been really good about telling DS1 that she can do it (e.g. kiss a booboo) since she is right there with him versus letting him run to one of us. Some kids might not do well with it, but he's getting the idea very fast that he can't get away with things around her, and that she can do things for him. If she were more timid about this, it would be a bigger struggle.

5) We're not in VA, we're in IL. But ours has to take a written test and a behind the wheel test to get her license. Our au pair has very good English, so I'm hopeful that she'll succeed quickly; coming from Brazil (where English skills aren't usually as good) your au pair may struggle a bit more with that part.

6) You shouldn't be responsible for international phone charges (at least that's what our LCC told us). So we helped our au pair get a calling card from Wal-Mart (12 cents a minute to Germany - pretty reasonable).

It's actually coming together better than I expected, but who knows - we may just be in the honeymoon phase! She's doing great with the kids, and I'm glad that we made the leap. It has so much potential to make our lives easier - DH and I can actually go to dinner every once in a while now without dropping a fortune on a babysitter!

[firstbaby]

Thank you to both of you for the responses! Lori, I was thinking of you when I posted but wasn't sure if you finalized getting an au pair :) I really appreciate both of your responses - very helpful. And I am also hoping for some extra time with DH once she arrives and settles in.

We've told her that we really think communication is the key - it is the only way for this to work for everyone. I know it won't be easy from day one but really want her to feel very comfortable in communicating with us.

She was the first person we had talked to during this process and my DH was hesitant in picking her because she was the first one. So we looked at two more applications - one wasn't infant qualified which we needed - and the other person we actually talked with and she didn't speak ANY English. During the time that we looked at the two other applications, the first woman kept writing to me with more questions and had very insightful answers for things I asked. I really liked her initiative and am hoping for a positive experience.

Thanks again for both taking the time to respond - I really appreciate it! :) I know I'll be doing some shopping this weekend to get her room together.