Memorial?

[StantonHyde]

My mom died a few weeks ago of a sudden, unexpected heart attack. She has been cremated and my dad is going to work her ashes into her flower beds. (My aunt and I want our own "baggies" to put in our flower beds too!) While I will have my mom close to me, I am still thinking that we need to have some sort of "permanent" fixture where future generations could come to feel close to her or when they research family history, they can find where she died. My parents live in a small town of 50,000. My mom was a U professor and I think we are all trying to get a scholarship started in her name, which is great. But what about a headstone or a park bench? Do you have to buy a whole cemetary plot for just a headstone? Any ideas based on what you or others have done. We have plenty of time to sort this out. TIA.

[ribbit1019]

I don't have any experience, but the first thing that popped into my mind was a masoleum (sp?) maybe having a small space you could place a little of her ashes into?

I am so sorry for your loss, {{{big hugs}}}.

Christy
My Waterbabies
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[mommy_someday]

When my grandfather passed away while I was in high school, my grandma had him creamated and had a memorial service in his honor. The service was really nice and upbeat, celebrating what a great life he led. My grandparents were in the process of adding an addition to their house when he passed, so my grandma had the ashes mixed in with the concrete for the foundation. I thought it was a cool idea, but she ended up selling the house when she remarried a few years later. I miss my grandpa terribly and wish that there was a place I could go to remember him. I wholeheartedly agree with your desire to do something like that for your mom. I don't have a suggestion on what or how, though. Just lots of hugs.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[urquie]

there were a few trees planted in memory of my father. one was a gift to my mom and it's planted in her backyard. another was planted outside of my dad's office building (by the owner of the building) and has a memorial plaque.

maybe you could plant a tree in a front yard where it could be viewed years later if the house was no longer in the family. or maybe somewhere on the campus where she taught.

if you go this route, i'd suggest doing a bit of research to find an easy to grow and very hardy tree. hopefully that would prevent what happened to my neighbor... she was given a tree in memory of her husband (by her children) and the tree died within a few years :(

[shilo]

hugs to you. going with her love of gardening, could you contact some local botanical gardens and see if any of them have a program for establishing 'memorials'? i've seen bricks that line paths stamped 'in memorium' and benches, like you said. what about a bench on her U campus - maybe overlooking some nice gardening area, or under a shady tree? is there something else she was really into besides gardening? a lot of non-profits around here like children's hospitals, aquariums, etc. seem to have a program for this as well, judging by the tiles and plaques, etc. last thought - one of the local high schools in our town has a gorgeous front walk that is lined in flower beds. supposedly, the 'seed' money for the gardening club at the school comes from an initial memorial gift that has been invested, that they use the profits from to buy the seeds, bulbs and flowers for the club each year. it makes spring time so beautiful to pass the tulip beds each may, especially.

i am so sorry for your loss.
lori
Sam 5/19/05 How lucky I am that you chose me.

[denna]

First off, I just wanted to say Im sorry for your loss ((HUGS)).

I think the idea of putting her ashes in the flower beds is very nice. And I know what you mean about needing a place to go and remember her.

I think the park bench is a wonderul idea. I would try calling the university and see if there is anyone who can help you w/ this. I wouldn't see why it would be an issue w/ them if your family is funding the work.

Also I think the scholarship is a wonderful idea, good luck!

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Rebecca, I am sorry for your loss. My dad's ashes are right below a redbud that is outside my kitchen window. I can turn my head right now and see that tree. It is an amazing comfort, it took me a long long time to figure out what to do with his ashes. We were planting the tree when I went into labor with Kate. Hugs.
Susan

#1 Nick 11-18-04
#2 Kate 04-26-06

[o_mom]

Some cemetaries or memorial parks will have walls where you can put a small name plate at much less cost than a headstone. There are also scatter gardens where you can scatter or bury ashes (not in urns) and have a small sign put up. While the park bench idea sounds good now, you have to think in 20, 50, 100 years, will the bench still be there? What if the park is renovated? If it breaks or is vandalized, who will fix it? A cemetary or memorial garden has legal obligations to care for the plots indefinately, or in many states, the state will care for and protect it if the cemetary owners go under.

[schums]

I am so sorry for your loss!! (((HUGS)))

I know you don't want to think about this now, but does your father have plans to be buried or cremated? If his plan is to eventually be buried, you could add your mom's name to his headstone, along with whatever other information you want. That way, it's there for future generations/family tree research, but you're only buying one plot. If dad is planning to be cremated as well, I think I'd look into a mausolem, like PP said, and again, but both names on one plaque.

HTH,
Sarah
Mom to Alex (3/2002) and Catherine (8/2003)

[MarisaSF]

Rebecca-
I'm sorry to hear you lost your mother recently.
Although I haven't created one myself, I have always been touched when I sit in a park bench inscribed with a memorial tribute. What about a bench in a particular place she and/or your family loves? Park, University, Zoo?

[trumansmom]

I think Marisa's idea is a lovely one.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[octmom]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My FIL was a professor too and his ashes are buried on the campus where he worked, under a tree with a bench and plaque. Only a few people know that his ashes are actually there (against policy, but the college president approved it), so the plaque is really a memorial. It's right outside the building where his office was located.

I work at a University and there are a number of memorial benches scattered around. Like Marisa, I often read the plaques (small brass plaque) when I sit on a bench. I think it's a nice idea.

ETA: at the U where I work, the University Architect's Office is the proper contact. The landscape architect makes recommendations about bench placement and about varieties and placement of trees. If you go that route, you might contact your mom's former colleagues about a small dedication ceremony when the bench or tree was placed.

Jerilyn
DS, Sean 10/03
DD, Katie 3/06

"Baby makes days shorter, nights longer, home happier, and love stronger."

[StantonHyde]

Thanks to all of you for your ideas. I like the idea of a park bench--but am worried about the permanence factor. She did have a tree planted in her honor at the University when she retired this spring. So I think maybe I can put her birth and death dates on a plaque by that tree--if they have not put one there already. Heck, I should ask to see the tree--I don't even know where it is and I was at her retirement party!

The mausoleum is good but not sure my dad would want that. (actually, I am thinking that when he dies I can do whatever I want to remember them both:-) I know, dark humor--but it gets me through the day!) I will have to contact the cemetary in Pocatello and see if they do a plaque on a wall thing. That's a great idea.

I also like the idea of working a small amount of the ashes under a tree--we just planted one in our front yard so that would be nice for me and it would be symbolic on many levels.

Thanks for all of the hugs. My mom was my best friend in the whole world and I miss her terribly. People at work have been so nice. One woman, who lost her mom 2 years ago and who has small children too, said "if you need to randomly brag about your kids, come talk to me". That really hit the spot. I mean, who else are you going to call to say that your baby is saying EO, EO when you sing Old MacDonald?? I so appreciate this board--I only post when I need info or have info to give, but over the 4 years I have been here, this Board has given me info and tips that saved my sanity, my kids, and my marriage:-) Thanks.

[JustMe]

I'm sorry about your loss. I really like the idea of something in a park. A new park was just built in our town and they have lots of different types of landscape/climbing structures with people's names on them. Maybe you could contact your local parks and rec dept to see if they could recommend options.

Robyn
mom to a 3 yr old from Guatemala

[rlu]

I was going to mention the walls at several of the cemetaries I've been to. I believe I have a great-aunt and uncle who have these types of plaques.

FWIW, when I die, I plan to have my ashes scattered at sea (as close to my favorite beach as legal) so all one would have to do to visit me would be to go to that part of the shore (specifically a state beach we've camp at annually since I was itty bitty.) I'm also considering prepayment for a space flight for my ashes, ala James Doohan.

Regarding OP, when my great-aunt died, we took seeds from her holleyhocks and have harvested the subsequent seeds. I've had my aunt's holleyhocks with me where-ever I live. If your father ever has to move, he might take a graft or seeds of flowers planted in your mother's garden, so he doesn't "lose" that memorial, if that makes sense. I hope that reads right and doesn't sound insensitive. Hard to convey intent in words sometimes.

[caheinz]

My sympathies for you, Rebecca. I lost my mom 3 years ago. It's hard to be a mom without her.

I wouldn't worry about a bench being non-permanent. A lot of the new ones on my campus are plastic (hopefully recycled!) and metal, look really nice, and will probably last a good, long time. In addition, as long as anyone is caring enough to look for it, the University (if you go that route) will likely take care of upkeep, and move the nameplate to a new bench if the old one did get replaced.

[almostamom]

I like the idea of a park bench in memory of your mom. I know we have one in our neighborhood park and it's a very peaceful place to sit. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

~Linda~
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