Having dc 4+ years apart, or having an only child

[tny915]

I am a major planner, as is DH. Pre-baby, DH and I always planned on having 2, but life with DD has made DH uncertain if he wants more, so DD may very well be an only. I've spent the last couple days reading old threads on having only children and it has helped a bit. I'm trying to be okay with having an only, but the few times I've mentioned giving away the baby gear I've been saving, DH says we still should hang onto everything. We moved into a bigger house at the beginning of the year, in part because DH said our old house was not big enough for an expanded family. I know I need to give DH time to really make up his mind on this, but in the meantime I'm being strung along. Every year around this time, I start thinking about and talking to DH about life with kids 2 years apart, then 3 years apart, and now we're at 4 years apart, since the earliest we'd even think about trying, if we ever do, is the end of the year. DH and his brother are 10 years apart, so there are times he feels he has a brother and times he feels like an only child. He's fine with either choice for our family. I'm struggling, mostly because I don't have a concrete decision from him either way. He has said he doesn't know when he will be ready, or if he ever will be ready for more.

I don't even know what I'm asking for here. I kind of just wanted to get my thoughts down, since I know there are others of you who are dealing with this decision. I started out wanting to know your thoughts and experiences with a 4+ year age gap, but I'm not sure that's my question anymore. Thanks for reading.

[Wife_and_mommy]

I haven't btdt but wanted to send you hugs! I can understand how frustrating(?) it is to be continuously strung along. I hope your dh is able to make a decision one way or the other so that you're both able to move on regardless of how many dc's you'll have.



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[Lynnie]

My kids are only 2 years apart, but my four year old absolutely LOVES visiting and playing with babies, and has been asking for a baby sister for months now (sorry, kid, mommy is too old and tired). So, based on his reaction to the babies around, I don't think 4 would be too large a gap. They'd still be kids together, and the older one would have had a lot of time to be the only baby.

In a way, it might be easier (not speaking from experience though, clearly). Although it would be hard to go back to diapers and lack of sleep after getting through that, at least the older child would be somewhat more self sufficient.

Good luck with everything, it is so hard to be up in the air about such an important decision.

[brittone2]

Haven't BTDT, but we thought a LOT about 4 year spacing for a variety of reasons. I was pretty sure our kids would be about 4 years apart, due to various circumstances.

A happy surprise got thrown in our laps, so they'll be right around 3 years apart. I'm thrilled, but I think a four year old is more emotionally mature, mentally equipped, and more independent. I've heard the "3s" are very difficult (2 hasn't been all that bad), so having a 3 year old and an infant may be really challenging.

I'm sure it is really hard not being able to reach a consensus w/ your DH. I hope that the two of you will be on the same page soon. As someone that very strongly considered 4 year spacing, I think it can work out really great. I've looked up many an old discussion here and elsewhere and there are many moms that think this spacing is perfect for their family.

edited to fix typo

[Momof3Labs]

I am thrilled with the age difference between our children (so far at least)!! It was more than we had planned for, but now it feels so right. If you decide together to have more children, I'd do it regardless of the age gap; there will always be pros and cons, and I can't see an age gap as a sole reason not to have a baby that you both want.

DS1 is so much more independent than he was even a year ago, and he communicates so well. He understands better about DS2 being a baby (and loves to play with him and other babies) and that DS2 has certain needs.

Age difference, also, is no guarantee of closeness or distance emotionally from siblings. My brother is 3 years younger than me and we have never really been very close; my SIL and her sister have the same difference and are practically joined at the hip.

I'm sure that it's hard being on a different page than your husband, but it will work out in time. Maybe whisper to him the mantra that's been said here - you ony regret the children that you do not have?

[JBaxter]

My DS1 & DS2 were supposed to be 4yrs but they were only 3 (oops!) I had Nathan when my older boys were 9 & 12. I honestly thing that any age difference works as long as YOU want it to.
Nathan absolutely adores his older brothers and they were a big help especially when he was an infant. My sister and I were 7yrs apart and we have been and still are very close.

[hudsonam]

Our situation is very similar to yours. We have one. I always wanted 3, and DH always wanted 2. Now we may have 2 at the most, and they'll probably be at least 3 years apart, but maybe more. My older brothers are 5, 6 and 9 years old then me. I never felt like an only child, except when I really thought about it when I got older, but we weren't really close, mainly because they are boys and I was the only girl. But now we are all close even with the age difference. Same thing with my DH. His sisters are about 5 and 6 years older (maybe more). And each of them have children that are 4 years apart, and when my one SIL had twins, her 4 year old was able to really help out. Wow, I think I'm making myself feel better about this too! :-) It's definitely not a bad thing, IMO. If you end up having them 4 years apart, I don't think you'll regret it.

[lisams]

I'm sorry you and your DH aren't on the same page yet. It sounds like he wants another, though. Have you sat down and talked with him to see what it is that he's holding off for?

DD and this baby will be 4 years and a few months apart. We didn't have a big say in that, as it took us a while to get pregnant. I have decided there is no perfect spacing! I can see some advantages to having them spaced apart more as well as close. Even right now I can already see it. When I was having horrible morning sickness, Emma was able to take care of herself much better than a younger child. She can dress herself, get a snack out, play by herself for a good 30+ minutes, etc. I have a friend who has two children spaced 6 years apart and she loves it.

I wouldn't let age spacing make or break your decision to have another. While it's more common to have children closer together, it doesn't mean that's the best thing for all families.

I hope you and your DH are able to talk about this! I can understand your frustrations.

[egoldber]

Well, we obviously never planned to have children 5+ years apart, and yet that's what we're getting. Honestly, I have no concerns at all about the spacing as far as the kids are concerned. I think that having your older child out of the house in a preschool/preK/K is actually a good thing. They are busy and occupied and you have time to spend one on one with the new baby.

I worried a little bit about them never being close, but I've come to realize that family/sibling closeness has more to do with individual personalities and family dynamics than anything else. There's no guarantee that sibs 18 months apart will be close or that sibs 4+ years apart won't be close. I see so many people who think that if their kids can't be some X perfect spacing apart, then their family won't work. Your family works because you make it work.

My only concerns in this are about *me*. I had never planned to be out of the work force more than 5 or 6 years, and now its going to be more like decade. And I am now 38 and I had wanted my kids done before I was out of my mid 30s. But that's not the hand I've been dealt, so you live your life the way it plays out.

[crayonblue]

"I worried a little bit about them never being close, but I've come to realize that family/sibling closeness has more to do with individual personalities and family dynamics than anything else. There's no guarantee that sibs 18 months apart will be close or that sibs 4+ years apart won't be close. I see so many people who think that if their kids can't be some X perfect spacing apart, then their family won't work. Your family works because you make it work."

I TOTALLY agree with this.

[saschalicks]

Terri,
It's clear the indecision is *killing* you and that must be tough. I want to say I'm really sorry. Here's something that may or may not make you feel better. My older brother is 5.5 years older then me. My mom was an only and my dad was oldest of 4. She was happy just having my bro, but my dad really wanted a girl (boy were they lucky). After me my mom was really done. My older brother still remembers being snuck in to see me at the hospital (kids weren't allowed in then remember?). We had a very normal childhood, normal being relative. I annoyed him, we fought, we played together. When he was 13 my parents left him in charge as babysitter so that would be nice for you if they are far apart ;) . Anyway, there I was in my happy little life and at 8 years old my mom had my baby brother. Not an accident BTW, my father took had to do some coaxing, but he finally wore her down :D . Long story short (yah right :P ) he became my baby. I helped raise him as much as my parents. Sure he was pesky for a while but now, well, I have to say I'm closer to him then I am to my older brother. My brothers are 14 years apart and guess what they are great friends. Age difference gets in the way for a while, but in the end we can't imagine what life would've been like without my younger brother. FWIW my DH thinks I still baby him. I say so what even though I have my own babies he'll always be my *baby* brother.

I had intended on 3 to 4 year difference for my kids, but when DS#1 was 9 mo old I was blessed with a surprise. I never intended for that. I think that age difference is all relative.

Again I am sorry that the indecision is upsetting, but maybe you and DH could go to counseling for this issue to help resolve it one way or another. Good luck!

[spanannie]

*If* I have #3, I want it to be 4 yrs younger than my youngest child (that would make it 6 yrs younger than my son). My children are 2 yrs apart, and it's been really tough. I think they'd really enjoy a baby a lot more at 4 and 6, and be excited about it. I don't think the age difference has correlation with emotional closeness. My husband and I have both said that DS (who would be 6 yrs older) may be closer to hypothetical child #3, than he is with his sister, who's only 2 yrs younger; they are so jealous and competitive, that they may not have as good of a relationship as the others could.

I also think it would be nice to have the other child in school and more independent, when a new one arrives. That way the baby could get more one-on-one attention.

You know, there really is no "best" time to have a child. It just happens how it happens and we deal with the good and the bad of it; any way it comes, it is a blessing.

[Lovingliv]

Hi Terri,

I know all about being a major planner. I am kind of a borderline control freak. I like to plan, plan, plan. It's my nature.
So, you can understand how surprised I was when I was blessed with pregnancy #2. I know, I know. If you are not preventing...it is bound to happen. I was just surprised that it...well...happened. My Dh says "I don't understand how you can be surprised that it happened. It's like throwing a ball up in the air and having it land."
I always said that my kids would be close in age. So, God willing, they will be. Would I have planned it differently? No. I am thrilled to be having this little one. Throw caution to the wind.

There were times that I thought "how can I love another?" Now I realize that every child is born with their own love.

Touching on what egoldberg said, I am one of seven children. I am number 6 with 15 years between the oldest and myself. For a lot of my childhood/teenage years I was super close with my oldest sister. She is 15 years older than me, and we share a ton of the same interests. She gave me my love for the Go-go's, the Beach Boys, and her 74? Ford Fairlane. She also got me into sundresses and lemon and water!
My next oldest sibling gave me a love for the Beatles, God and "doing the right thing." The third oldest taught me how to be a rebel, but still love your mom. The fourth oldest showed me that you can do *all* things, even though you didn't *think* you can. Then there is the three youngest, of which I am sandwiched between. They are my best friends (next to DH), they are my strength....I love them very similiarly to how I love DD. We are all cut from the same cloth.

Sorry this is so long, but being close with family has more to do with dynamics and values than age......I am 31 and some of my best friends are over 40!

Thinking of you and praying everything goes the way you would like it to!

[tny915]

Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for your stories and words of support. Not a lot of my friends have kids or are even married, so I appreciate being able to use these boards as my outlet. What brought all this up was a miniscule, longshot of a chance that I may have been pregnant this month. There really was no shot at a BFP, but as much as I tried to tell myself not to, I started hoping and thinking about what-if's. When I found out I wasn't, DH and I both had opposite reactions, as you might guess. It led me to believe that our only chance of ever having another child was through a BC oops. I've been a bit bummed out ever since.

When I really think about it, I'm not even worried about an age gap and whether DCs will be close. I'm not even close to my 2 older brothers and that's fine. I want another regardless of age gap, but it's just hard being the only one in the family that wants that. Quite a while back, I realized that as hard as I try to plan, you just can't plan when it comes to TTC. Apparently, this is the time of year when my internal clock starts ticking and I start thinking about more kids and the old life plan that I had pre-parenthood--I went through this same set of emotions last year and the year before that. I should mark it on my calendar for next year. :)

I do feel better reading your posts. Thank you again.

[jillc]

Hi. :)

Big hugs. I hope that your DH comes around eventually. It sounds like he is so absolutely head-over-heels crazy about Alyssa, he would certainly be an amazing Dad to any other DC that you might have in the future, too.

Like you said, an age gap will be fine. I know this is really tough. I think you're doing the right thing by not pushing the issue. I bet he will be ready someday. Until then, keep loving & snuggling your little Pumpkin. She is a jewel.

Talk to you soon. I hope you're able to ease your mind about this somehow.

Love,
J

[hobokenmom]

Just wanted to share my story. My husband and I always said we would have two kids, which we did, just about 3 years apart, which was what we had planned. Then suddenly when my youngest was in preschool, I started to yearn for another baby.

Well, the short story is that I had a 7 and a 4-year-old when Zeke was born, and I cannot tell you how much he has enriched my older kids' lives. It is hard to describe the love that my older son and daughter have for their baby brother -- it's just plain beautiful.

My husband also has this soft spot in his heart for our third child, and I know he's glad he caved and let us have another one.

Honestly, I hope and pray that your husband makes up his mind to have another. I think every child benefits from having a sibling, though I do understand that sometimes circumstances don't allow for that.

Good luck.

[Fairy]

I'll be the lone voice for the only child. I'm an only child, and my son is very likely to be an only child. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's when people say to me -- and this happens all the time -- "you need to have another baby; DS can't be an only child, that's a terrible thing to do to someone." Hello?! McFly?! I'm an only child that you're talkin' to, here!

I admit, I begged my parents to have another kid until i was 18 and went off to college. Finally gave up. But I was never unhappy in only childhood. For me, it contributed to me being highly independent, outgoing, and confident, not to mention being able to be by myself. I don't have one friend who ever lived by themselves excpet for my husband. Everyone else went from Mom & Dad to college roommates, to Mom & Dan to post-college roommates to spouse. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm proud that I not only did live on my own for several years, but I wanted to and wasn't scared of it.

So, bottom line, if we're blessed with another baby, I'll be overjoyed. But if we're not, then that's ok, too, cuz I know the kind of character only childhood can build.

And for the record, if we do have another one, I always wanted it to be at least 3 years apart, preferably 4. So, you go! Good luck :-)

-- Fairy

[cleo27]

Terri,

I am glad I saw this post, because I really know how you feel. I am struggling with the same feelings. DD is a little younger than your DD, but I also have a DH who is reluctant to have another and is back and forth about it, but if it was just up to him absolutely would not have another child. He loves DD more than anything, but it took several (many!) years of convincing before he would consider TTC when we conceived DD.

I too have thought (overthought) about spacing between DD and a future child, but honestly I would be happy just to have another, regardless of the age difference. As DD gets older, I keep thinking that I am glad we did not have 2 kids really close in age. DD's maturity level keeps growing and I think she would be much more helpful when she's a little older.

I have tried to find peace in just having one - DD is the most amazing child and she brings me so much joy. I really try not to let the desire for a second child get me down - but it is hard when DH makes references to maybe having another, or when we are with other people and he says things about a second child. Also, I love the thought of DD as a big sister. I think it would add another dimension to her life. I have 2 younger brothers - 4 yrs and 9 yrs younger than me. We fought a lot when we were young, but as adults we are extremely close.

I don't know... I don't really have any answers, but I know what you are going through. I actually thought we had an "oops" a couple of months ago. I went 2 months without a period and was disappointed to get negative pregnancy tests - DH was relieved. It really hurts to be on completely different pages with your spouse, on such a huge issue. It is really hard because everyone I know IRL has a husband that wants to have children, and I have the one that really never wanted to, though you would never ever know that to see him with DD.

Hugs and peace,

[cleo27]

Thanks, Fairy, for sharing that! you have such a great attitude. :)

Hugs,

[alexsmommy]

Well, due to secondary infertility, DS will be at least 4 years older than the sib we hope to give him someday.
This isn't at all what we planned, but it is what it is, and I have to say, as I see how independant DS is, how much he can do, how much of his own life he has, I see how this can be an advantage if the time comes for him to be a big brother.
Also - I keep telling myself, at least they won't be in college at the same time.
I will say, I am 5.5 years older than my brother and we have never be particularly close. We are very, very different people, so that is a factor, and we like each other, support one another etc, but I often feel we don't know each other well. I can honestly say though, I think it's personality differences, not age that has kept us from being close.
Alaina
Alex Feb '03

[kijip]

I think Beth said it best when she said that families work because you make them work. I agree that we all have to be flexible about our expectations- you just don't know what exactly will happen.

We had never thought that we would want 2 close together. Then when Toby was 1, we did. 4 mcs later that was clearly just not the hand we were dealt. Then with the separation, now that we are almost back living together we both feel like we need to focus on making the family we are now as strong as possible before adding another child to the mix. So here I am with a mirena, not planning on having another for at least 2 years.

If you had asked me 4 years ago when I was going to have kids, I would have said "10 years from now at the soonest".

3 years ago I would have said that Toby was going to be the only pregancy and maybe we would adopt.

2 years ago I would have said that we were hoping for another by the time Toby was 2 or 3.

1 year ago I would have said that after 4 mcs I was too angry to consider trying again and perhaps Toby would be an only child.

Now I am saying that I want another but that J and I will need to wait a minimum of a year, possibly 2-3 years before TTC again. So that puts us at a 5-6 year age difference minimum IF I actually concieve and carry to term about when we might like to.

Who the heck knows what I will be saying next year, LOL. And I think we have a way finding the positives with whatever we end up doing/planning. IE when I wanted an only child that was best for a variety of reasons, then when we wanted a second child, a close age spacing was best for various reasons and now that a longer age spacing is in the cards, I can think of many reasons why that is "best". I am sure if I end up pregnant at 42, I will think of many reasons why having kids 2 decades apart is great. ;)

[AngelaS]

We wanted our kids to be about 3.5 years apart, but instead the first two are 4.5 years apart. I absolutely LOVE that spacing! My oldest was so mature, so helpful and such a great big sister when her baby sister arrived and it made the tradition to two kids SO much easier!

The bonus baby showed up 2.5 years later and that's been MUCH harder! Yikes! I remember almost daily why I wanted my kids farther apart in age! LOL

[Fairy]

Cleo, I read your longer post, and I completely understand. There are so many great things about having siblings, but if you end up with just DD, then here are five great things about being an only child. Hope it helps! -- Fairy :-)

1. Independence is not something that has to be learned, but rather emerges naturally because that's just your "normal." It doesn't occur to you that there's any other way to be.

2. No perception that your parents are not giving you enough attention (from a sib perspective. Unless you count the dog).

3. All the milestones are a super big deal because they're all happening for the first time to you.

4. No having to fight over whose room is bigger or who got the better toys at the holidays.

5. No arguments about who gets to ride shotgun.

6. And an extra one for the parents -- just one college career to pay for. Of course, if they go to Harvard or Penn or N'western or something, you're just as in trouble, anyway.

[Tondi G]

My boys are just shy of 4 years apart and it has worked out well for us! We had originally intended to have children 3 years apart but 2 back to back miscarriages made it so our boys are closer to 4 year apart! I really like the spacing now. Mason was old enough to understand to be gentle and attempted to be quiet when the baby was sleeping etc. Now that Aidan is over a year and running around.... the boys play together and are super funny to watch in the bath etc! I think the spacing between children is always what "happens" and it works for their parents. Some like them closer, some wish they had waited a little longer.... but we make it work regardless! Mason had a friend from preschool who had a brother who was about 10 year older than her and they had a great relationship. her mom said she really couldn't handle more than one baby/small child at a time and was thrilled with her son and daughter and the spread between them!

While I was going through the back to back MC's I kinda came to terms with the idea that maybe we would only have one child and even though I wanted another I am totally in love with my child (children) and was ok with the idea.... we were thrilled when we did have another sucessful pregnancy though!

I think it may be time to sit down and seriously discuss whether you and your husband DO or DON'T want to have another child. It is important for him to know how you feel. If it is really causing you stress then he needs to know. I'm not saying put pressure on him to try right away just to let him know that he needs to decide one way or the other IF he wants another child now or in the future so you can either prepare for another one day or be able to let the "baby" stuff go!

HUGS and Good Luck
~Tondi
Mommy to Mason 7/8/01 and Aidan 5/4/05

[ILoveLT]

Terri:

We also have just one child and she will be three years old next February. Sometimes I want another child, sometimes I don't think I can handle another one. My DH thought he wanted another child until he experienced life with DD, which is very stressful. Not that she is unusually bad, but she is a typical child who is into everything and makes a mess, and DH is a neatfreak. So, you are not alone.

[pittsburghgirl]

My DS is likely to be an only, due to our infertility (he was conceived on our 3rd IVF, 6th overall treatment). We still have some faint hope for a natural pg but I'm not holding my breath. I am also setting a time limit for going w/o BC, for myself, due to my age. I'm not that old but coming up on 40, I don't believe I will have the energy to deal with a toddler in 4 years. So we will be closing the door at some point in the next year. I don't have as much issue with the potential age gap in and of itself as I do with my own age and limitations when it comes to exclusively being a SAHM for that many more years.

We haven't been able to give away our baby gear yet, but we also haven't moved to a bigger house - my DH doesn't want to ever move except under extreme duress, we have too much stuff:) We would be very cramped in our current home with 2 children.

It's definitely hard when you're not on the same page - DH and I went through many phases of that in our 5 year journey to DS. Even now, neither of us is sure at the same time about having another.

If you do end up deciding to stop with your DD, know that it's fine! I have done a lot of reading and talking with parents of onlies and have realized that it is just fine, despite the constant (insensitive) comments I get from others about how I "have" to give DS a sibling. We are a complete family already, thank you very much.

Good luck figuring out what is best for your family.

Marilee
mommy to James
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