The terrible 2's early--my cute little banshee & other concerns...

[Dcclerk]

My DS is a bit of a spitfire, so I know I have already gone through this to some degree. That being said, I honestly cannot remember how to deal with the wildly hysterical, shreak as if her fingernails are being pulled out with a burning nail for such offense as offering her the very cheerios she just requested 10 seconds ago. And DD is only 18 mos, so I thought I had a little ways to go.

Little Miss is the life of every party. Everyone gravitates to her because she has an amazing smile and is great at capturing your attention. She is also really verbal and can use words to tell us the concrete things that she wants (though not describe any emotions). I honestly don't think signing would help us at all, because she really knows a lot of words. But if she is offended, heaven help the eardrums of anyone within a 500 feet radius. And the drama is complete with flinging herself to the ground. Her new favorite words are "no" and "mine." She honestly will walk up to her brother and show him something she thinks he might want and say "NO!!!" It honestly would be funny if she weren't so dang provocative (as in provoking her brother, not the other scandalous way ;) ).

I think everyone will tell me that at this age, you just need to distract. I really do try that. But she's nothing if not persistent. Plus, a very little niggling part of me (and a huge heaping portion of my DH) wonders if she is learning that shreaking is an effective way of getting what she wants. We (and all of our neighbors) do not want that to become the lesson she takes from this. Does anyone have any strategies or resources that you could point me to? I read gentlechristianmothers.com periodically, but I don't remember a strategy for this kind of really young, but really fiery, no reasoning strategy.

TIA!

[babymama]

I feel for you. Our son is a screamer, as in shreiking screaming like you describe.

I can't point to any one thing that we've done to get him to stop screaming while not encouraging the screaming. But I'll share some stuff that I think works:

- give choices. So if the issue is that you don't want her to have cheerios, is there something else that you can offer? or could you offer delayed gratification? "I'm sorry honey, no cheerios right now. Would you like them after you eat your edamame?" "No cheerios, sweetie. Would you like to play outside or play on the computer?". This is usually followed by (IME) some more screaming, until they sort of get of over it and realize you're offering them something that they find acceptable (eat cheerios later, or play outside). The Choices strategy is usually my first line of defense.

- Loving touch. This is somthing I picked up in a Reduirecting Children's Behavior class. Sometimes the upset episode is more about them wanting your attention or to control you in that moment. So if DS is upset bc I've asked him to turn off the TV, or bc he doesn't want to get in the bath, or whatever. I'll say somethign like, "Honey, would you like mommy to hold you?" or "I'm sorry, would you like a hug?" ANd then I'll spend some time just holding him or rubbing his back (and not saying anything). I'll try to stay there with him until he pulls away from the hug or until he is ready to move on (this required me adding a lot of lead time to our morning - when leaving for work/school - to allow for his AM upsets).

- do the unexpected. Sometimes if he's totally screaming, I might make a silly face or do a silly dance or somethign to distract his attention from the thing that made him upset. The RCB teacher also recommended trying this for when my DS screams his head off in the car. She suggested that I pull into a parkign lot and stop the car and just say "Mommy is not willing to drive while you are screaming. We'll get going again once you stop screaming". That didn't work for me the one time I tried it, but I did try it (again requires adding lots of time to your communte/routine).

- let them get it out. One thing I realized about my child is that he needs to let out his emotions - when he's upset he needs to cry. So one of the things that calms me in the moment of his screaming is that I realize now that this is his way of processing his feelings. I try to model for him "adult" ways of dealing with emotions, but I know that for now he will have outbursts.

- think of the things you love about your child. This helps me stay calm, focused on resolving the problem and not get flusterred from all the screaming.

- if you can't think of something you love about your child, try taking some breaths and staying calm - so that you are not escalating the emotional level of the child.

I hope some combination of the above will help you. I also wanted to mention that your DD probably has much more reasoning than she shows. So even if it seems like you're not getting through to her, I'm sure she understands some pieces based on your tone, your mood, your words. 18 months is a hard age bc they can't express their feelings. I swear 18 months to 2 1/2 was the HARDEST phase we've experienced so far. My DS's terrible 2s seem to be fading somewhat - though they are FAR from a distant memory.

Good luck to you.

Hugs,

Lydia
Mama to DS (2003) and DD (2005)

[kedss]

Sorry I don't have any advice, we are working on similar issues with my DS who turns 3 in December. Since she is verbal, maybe you could start teaching her some words, or maybe say something like, "I'm sorry you are upset right now, maybe you could tell me what's wrong if you calm down."
or something shorter than that.

right now I'm trying to teach my DS that whining and crying isn't the way to get what he wants, but then I have my MIL who is there to scoop him up whenever I try to let him know what is expected...sigh. (sorry for the hijack, just wanted to let you know ya ain't alone)

[californiagirl]

If the shrieking doesn't change things one way or the other, and you offer her effective alternatives, she will eventually stop. (As she gets better with alternatives it also gets more appropriate to have "consequences".) DD tried that approach at nearer a year, and we would say calmly "You really wanted that. You seem upset about it. You could say 'I'm sad'." and then we'd go on about what we were doing. By 18 months, she had a couple modes, one where she was just trying it on and we reflected feelings, one where she was totally hysterical and I'd hold her and help her calm down (calming down is learned behavior, and ignoring it when she's really out of control doesn't help her figure out how to get back into control), and one where she was obsessing and we'd tell her "It's OK to be upset, but it's not OK to interfere with the rest of us -- if you're going to keep crying like that you need to do it somewhere else". (Hmm -- now that I think about it that last may be more recent than that, closer to 2 than to 18 months.)

Anyway, my DH needed a lot of help with age-appropriate expectations. He is getting better about it as she does actually learn this stuff. She doesn't shriek any more, although recently she's taken up some annoying variations on whining.

[Moneypenny]

We taught her to stomp her feet or clap her hands when she is feeling frustrated. It took a couple of weeks of her shrieking, DH or me saying, "Oh, are you frustrated? You can clap your hands together when you're frustrated, like this" - then demonstrate a good, satisfying clap. Pretty soon that is what she was doing. She still screams occassionally and we've moved on to the, "I can't understand you when you scream, honey. You need to use your words and tell me why you're frustrated" and that is working pretty well.

Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
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[Dcclerk]

I really appreciate the very practical advice that everyone gave me. That is EXACTLY the kind of advice that I need. :) It is really helpful to think about proactively touching (we affectionately refer to DD as "Velcro Baby", so obviously this is a need of hers), as well as being careful to show that it is not the screaming that gets her she wants, while still meeting her needs. I have several new strategies to employ now. Thanks so much for getting me out of my not-so-fabulous-parenting rut! :)