(Second Update) OT: Overweight DH vs interfering parents - Who's right?

[cmdunn1972]

Update 2:

Mom called yesterday, and I had a conversation with her. She brought up the issue first by asking if I'd talked to DH yet. I told her that we were handling the issue "as a couple". Mom persisted and asked why I was being so cryptic. I replied that I'd prefer to keep this between DH and I because doing otherwise would embarrass him and backfire. She backed off saying, "You're right, you're right," and that was the end of it.

Thanks so much for all your input and wonderful advice! It really helped me gain some perspective and get the courage to approach this delicate issue in the right way. :)

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Update 1:

I decided yesterday to quiz DH on what he had for lunch that day. He told me "salad", but when he went into detail, he confessed he'd had a hard cider as well. He admitted it was not exactly the healthiest beverage. Several minutes later, we had this exchange:

Me: Honey, would you mind doing me a favor?
DH: Sure, what do you need?
Me: Since I'm not eating unhealthy things behind your back, would you mind not eating unhealthy things behind mine?
DH: Sure.

It's small, but I feel good that I called him out in a non-threatening way. Hopefully, this will help.

As far as My Mom goes, she hasn't brought it up since I started this thread, so no change there. I did talk to my MIL though, see what she was thinking and ask for her advice. (She has a policy of non-interference.) her advice echoed what many of you are saying, to tell my Mom that 1) DH's weight is not a topic for family discussion and 2) to tell my Mom that we are adults and are handling it as a couple.

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Original post:

I'm in a bit of a quandary, and I'm really not sure how to handle it. First, I'll give background.

DH has been obese pretty much all his life, from childhood through adulthood. His highest weight was before I met him, at over 400 pounds. On the other hand, when I met him he was down to just over 200 pounds, an incredible accomplishment, but he has gained much of it back. Around me anyway, he tries to watch what he eats, but I have no clue what he does when I'm not there. He also travels overseas a lot for work, which means it's hard to control ingredients in what he eats when he's away. I think his weight is now somewhere in the ballpark of 350 right now, and he seems to be gaining. Frankly, it scares me. It also must be embarrassing for him. (He's a sensitive guy.)

On top of all this is my Mom. I love her dearly, but she won't shut up about DH's weight. She's basically interfering, and while she makes good points, it annoys me when she tells me that she and my Dad talk about DH's weight problem. (DH, who is a private person generally, would be extremely angry if he knew my parents discussed this.)

I want DH to be able to accomplish weight loss. While weight isn't the only factor when it comes to health, I think it would certainly help, both mentally and physically. (DH is an accomplished fellow, but weight has always been his stumbling block, so to be able to tackle this would help him feel good about himself.) At the same time, I'm having trouble telling my Mom to please back off. My ILs make a point to not interfere, but apparently, Mom has never figured this out. If I talk to DH about his weight now, it's going to seem like I'm doing it at the behest of my Mom, when it's not her business in the first place.

How do I get DH back on track without giving my Mom the message that it's okay for her to interfere?

[kedss]

To be blunt, I would tell your mom to back off. This is an issue that is DH's and your concern as you are his immediate family. If you are worried about him, talk to him honestly about it, and leave mom out of it.

hth

[buddyleebaby]

Why do you have to tell your mom that you spoke to your dh about his weight?

I would absolutely tell your mom in no uncertain terms that while you appreciate her concern, your dh's weight is his own private issue, and not something to be discussed amongst the family. Remind her how embarrassing and hurtful it could be to him. The topic is not up for discussion. Period.

At the same time, you can be there to support and encourage your dh. Your mom does not have to know that you are taking steps to help him along, just as he does not have to know that she talked to you about his weight.

Good luck. I know you were successful in losing a lt of weight yourself, and I'm sure you will prove yourself to be a loving and wonderful support system for your dh.

[cbm]

Tell your parents to get a life! I cannot imagine why your DH's weight would be a topic of conversation. There are plenty of overweight people in the world!

I understand your worries, Colleen. All you can do is being supportive when and if he decides he wants to loose weight again. Cooking healthy foods as you are doing is a great way to show your support. You could see if he would consider some family exercise on weekends. Maybe even family evening walks, but that may be pushing it :-).
Start small. It may help him get the ball rolling. And if it doesn't, at least you tried.

Claudia
DS 12/18/04

[elliput]

Oh, Colleen, I can so identify with this issue. It almost sounds like we are married to the same guy.

My DH has battled weight issues almost his entire life. When he was in the Air Force, in order to maintain the weight standard, he would eat less than 1200 calories a day, exercise at least 2 hours everyday and still gain weight. He had his thyroid checked several times and nothing. It was "normal". It wasn't until after he separated from the service and just let himself go that his thyroid problem was discovered, along with sleep apnea, high cholestrol, and adult on-set diabetes. DH is currently around the 400lb mark again. He had lost over 50 lbs right after he found out about the diabetes and had a diet change.

My Mom would ask me about DH's weight, and actually predicted the diabetes diagnosis a couple of weeks prior. My take on it is that she just has my and my DH's best interest at heart. I think telling my Mom we are dealing with DH's health issues and everything is closely monitored by our Dr. has helped to keep her from interfering further.

If your DH hasn't already, make sure he has his thyroid checked.

[jesseandgrace]

I think you definitely need to tell your mom that she is never allowed to mention this. Really, there is no reason that she should be part of a conversation about his weight. Let her know that you know she cares about all of you, and that you understand he has a problem and will work to help him, but that interference by others will likely backfire and cause more weight gain. If you need support from her you can ask her if you can talk to her, but that it be kept private. I'm sure this is an unbelievable struggle for your DH, and I really feel for him. I'm sure he is bombarded with people meaning well, but it has to be his choice. I struggle with losing 10 pounds, let alone 100. There is a diet called Eat to Live by a Dr. Furhman - I'm sure you have tried a million things, but it might be worth taking a look at the book from the library or something because it would be a pretty good diet for someone who travels because it is pretty clear what can and can't be eaten, so different ingredients would not be a problem. It is basically salad, fruit, vegetables, beans, and stuff like that in unlimited quantities. I think it is great because you can eat as much as you want, but it is really limited as to what those things are so no confusion. I've heard it works well for people who have struggled for a long time. Good luck.

[mommyto4]

I agree. Check the tyroid. Also see about having a sleep study done. I have hypotyroidism and sleep apnea and even with taking thyroid meds daily and sleeping with a CPAP every night I still cannot seem to take off the weight. So, I still have a weight problem but at least we know why and we keep an eye on it. Though the thought really scares me, I've been considering weight reduction surgery. I'm just so afraid that if I don't get it under control soon I won't be around to see my little ones grow up.

[JElaineB]

Colleen,

I am fat and DH is fat. My mom used to constantly get on me about my weight. It never stopped, even when I lost quite a bit at one point. Finally when I was about 25 I just laid down the law - my weight is no longer a subject of discussion. Period. Everytime she tried to bring it up again I would just stop her. She finally learned. Your DH is a grown man, he knows he is fat. Your mother does not need to comment on it, period. You need to tell her this, that she is no longer to discuss or comment on his weight to you or to him - no exceptions. If what you say offends her, tough. It sounds if your DH found out about your mother talking about him would be upset which makes the whole thing even worse.

As an aside, I truly think people who have been fat since childhood have a much, much, much harder time losing weight permanently than those who were average sized as children and gained weight later in life (one of the reasons I am trying very hard to make sure DS does not follow in his parents' footsteps in that regard). Your DH has lost weight before so he obviously knows what he needs to do - but sometimes our fat bodies truly rebel against us. I think the best way you can be supportive of him is to make healthy foods available. Also see if you can go for family walks or other types of exercise together. You sound like you are trying to be supportive without being overbearing which is the best thing you can do I think. Good luck.

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[cmdunn1972]

Jennifer, thanks for your honest perspective on this. I think after reding my own post I realized that my Mom's comments, while well-meaning, were truly out of line.

I agree with you that childhood weight problems affect an adult's ability to lose extra pounds. It's as if there's a weight inertia going on. (Perhaps a combination of having to learn how to live a healthy lifestyle in adulthood and the body wanting to maintain its energy reserves, however excessive by today's standards.)

Thank you for giving me some perspective and advice.

[cmdunn1972]

Erica, it's so good to know we're not the only ones!

I hadn't thought about the thyroid playing a part here. It might explain part of the reason why he's battled this for his entire life. (The other part is too many white bread sandwiches and potato chips for lunch. His parents don't exactly live a healthy lifestyle.)

I know Mom is well-meaning. That's why I've tried to be gentle with her. At the same time, my own Mom and Dad aren't exactly super-slim either, so it sounds hypocritical. On top of that, Dad's got issues with arythmia. Since they've got enough of their own health issues, why are they so focused on DH's, because it's visible? It almost smacks of discrimination.

Twice in one week Mom has brought this up. I keep trying to tell her to back off because it makes me uncomfortable, but she presses on anyway.

[cmdunn1972]

I think part of the reason this has come up so much recently is because one of Mom's coworkers recently had reduction surgery. She sees her coworker and sees the result, and her coworker keeps going on about how happy she is and how much energy she has -- like she's a whole different person.

Mom just wants us to be happy, but she has a tendency to go completely overboard sometimes. (She also goes on and on about how DH is "going to" get diabetes, cardiac problems, die young, etc., as if it's a guarantee unless he loses weight. Drives me bonkers.)

Sorry if this is starting to sound like it belongs in the B!tching post.

[MartiesMom2B]

It really is none of your mom's business even though she has your best interest at heart. MIL had the reduction surgery and it's major surgery and you have to work very hard after the surgery to keep the weight down. MIL has changed her whole eating lifestyle. That surgery doesn't magically work on its own. Many people's stomach stretch out and they gain the weight back because they can't change their eating habits. If your husband isn't ready to make that change than he shouldn't go through it - and your mom should know that.

[egoldber]

Your mother's "help" is not help and is more likely to hurt. Someone who uses food for comfort or overeats when anxious (that would be me...), when they feel threatened and insecure is more likely to turn to more food for comfort.

The only way to lose weight is to WANT to lose weight and be committed to the lifestyle and eating changes required to make that happen. No one can give someone else that motivation.

Health issues like thyroid, pre-diabetes, etc. can be contributing factors to making it hard to lose weight and keeping it off, so consulting a physician for help would be a first step.

Other things that would really help would be to try and make sure that the entire family is eating a balanced, nutritious diet. Replace refined carbs with whole grains, eat lean proteins and LOTS of veggies and fruits. Make dessert an occasional treat vs an every day thing. Outside activity and exercise should be included as part of your every day life. These are the types of changes that make losing and maintaining weight loss happen.

My DH travels a lot for work also, and work travel makes it really, really, really hard to make healthy eating choices. But when he's home, you can work together to make sure that the whole family eats healthily.

ETA: And gastric bypass is a DRASTIC option that should only be considered when other avenues have been exhausted. It is not a walk in the park and there are relatively high mortality rates from the surgery. Its not to be taken lightly.

Send these links to your mom:
http://www.webmd.com/hw/weight_control/hw252819.asp
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/007199.htm

[Fairy]

Colleen, we are not fat, we are big-boned. We are overweight. We are heavy. We are big girls. Ok, fine, we're fat.

Loved your response. Been overweight since I was eight. I remember being normal, but it's been decades. Completely agree, when you've been overweight (I do say overweight) since childhood, we have it at least two times harder than everyone else. We do need a magic pill, I'll tell ya that. Thought about having it sliced off. Tested my thyroid during fertility issues. No thyroid problem there. Was aghast and positively stunned to NOT be gestational during pregnancy. Was sure that would happen; never did. Even lost 20 lbs while pregnant. It was the best diet EVER. Then i gained it all back within 18 months. My baby weight came after the baby. Now, at 36, I realize that my days are numbered. I have a very short window of time, now, to get the weight off before diabetes, and my joints are not happy with me. I carry my weight very well, but I'm the most I've ever been now, and I'm not 300, but I'm not so terribly far off that I'm not terrified.

There is only one way to lose weight, truly. Eat less, exercise more. That's it. Gastric bypass is great for the truly, truly obese people, 375, 400 lbs, IMHO. So, it's time for me to get with the program. *Sigh*

BTW, I highly recommend Camryn Manheim's book, "Wake up, I'm Fat!" Hysterical and uplifting for the pleasantly plump among us.

[ribbit1019]

Oh Colleen! I have the same problem, but my mom isn't as pushy as yours. ;) My parents are heavy, but not overwieght, they did the South Beach Diet and both lost a lot of weight and are much healthier now (and kept it off with minimal gain for the last three years). She is pushing that book on me all the time.

MIL is very overweight, FIL is thin as a rail. DH is probably around the 330 mark right now, has was 350 and lost 100 pounds just before we started dating (using a Atkin's type diet). Over the last 8 years he has put weight on and taken some off here and there.

I also have weight issues (see ticker), we don't even discuss it anymore at all. We both know we are heavy, no sense mentioning it.

The only vegetables that can cross DH's lips are Iceberg lettuce, black olives, cucumbers (raw and pickled) and raw carrots. This makes life very difficult for a veggie lover like me! I could probably be an Ovo-Lacto Veg and be prefectly happy. :) DH loves his meat and potatoes though.

I noticed today that there is a # for a nutritionist on the chalkboard, so maybe he is taking a step towards weight loss and being more healthy. I wish I could talk him into it, but he has to do it for himself, I can only be supportive when he makes the choice.

Tell your mom that she needs to stop mentioning the obvious. It isn't like you are marching around with your head in the clouds, you know that your DH is overweight, and I am sure he knows as well! It is not her place (or your dad's) to continue talking about your DH this way to you. If they would like to discuss it in their own home they can, but they don't have to involve you in the conversation. Your DH has to make the decision to be healthy on his own. No one else telling him about a drastic surgery or even that hypothetical miracle pill is going to change the fact that he needs to change to be healthier.

Hugs for you and http://goldismoney.info/forums/images/smilies/rant.gif for your mom!!

Christy
My Waterbabies
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http://b1.lilypie.com/tbvhm4/.png
http://www.tickercentral.com/view/172x/6.png
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/steitzsmith/Other/jump.gif

[cmdunn1972]

Dh and I started the SB diet together 2 1/5 years ago. I lost 70 pounds and am downright skinny. DH lost weight for awhile, but has rebounded and then some. When we're out, we probably resemble Jack Sprat and his wife since we're so mismatched! :P

Thankfully, my Dad has enough sense to not mention DH's weight to me or around me. Mom told me that the two of them discuss it together when I'm not around, which really irked me. I have told Mom that DH is the only person who can lose weight for himself. I can talk to him until I'm blue in the face and cook the healthiest meals at home, but I can't follow him on business trips or to work. Mom doesn't listen, and at one point even mentioned the word "intervention" (gasp!).

Mommy Dearest,

While drug addicts and alcoholics might not realize that they are sick, DH knows he's heavy. There is no elephant in the closet just because we don't discuss it around YOU. Having a group of family members tell him so would only embarrass and anger him, and would likely backfire. Please back off! DH and I are adults and as such are capable of handling this challenge as a couple.

Love,
Your Daughter

[cmdunn1972]

Kate, thanks for your succinct advice. :)

[KBecks]

Glad to hear the update, and ITA with the others that your mom needs a hard boundary that this is none of her business.

As far as helping DH, it will be good I think if you don't babysit him, because he is an adult and probably doesn't need your interference either, but you can be supportive and encouraging and definitely celebrate and praise his progress.

My husband used a program called DietPower that tracks calories and exercise. When he uses it (not always) it works well for him. I'm sure there are lots of programs out there. If your DH travels a lot, he could have it on his laptop and maybe that kind of food journal will help him.

Also for me, I find that I need to add healthy things. If I try to remove all the unhealthy things, I end up with no food and feeling like I cant eat at all, which leaves me hopeless and binging. So, I'm trying to focus my energy on having healthy snacks, etc. around so I have good food to eat when I'm hungry.

Lastly, some folks I know have time limits - like no eating after 7 p.m. -- I think the important thing is to eat good, filling meals though, so you can get through the nighttime hunger pangs.

Wishing your DH lots of luck!

ETA - Your mom and dad can talk about whatever they want, unfortunately you can't control that -- but you can let her know it displeases you. Gossip like that is such a waste - I hope they find something more productive to do with their conversations.

[JElaineB]

>Colleen, we are not fat, we are big-boned. We are overweight.
> We are heavy. We are big girls. Ok, fine, we're fat.

I actually do prefer the word "fat" myself. It is kind of a take-back the word type of thing (like when gay people call themselves "queer"). The more it gets used in a neutral or even positive sense the less negative connotation it will have.

[JElaineB]

>Update 2:
>
>Mom called yesterday, and I had a conversation with her. She
>brought up the issue first by asking if I'd talked to DH yet.
>I told her that we were handling the issue "as a couple". Mom
>persisted and asked why I was being so cryptic. I replied
>that I'd prefer to keep this between DH and I because doing
>otherwise would embarrass him and backfire. She backed off
>saying, "You're right, you're right," and that was the end of
>it.
>
>Thanks so much for all your input and wonderful advice! It
>really helped me gain some perspective and get the courage to
>approach this delicate issue in the right way. :)
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

That's great, Colleen! :)

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[cmdunn1972]

Thanks, Jennifer! Let's hope it sticks. ;)