Are toddlers supposed to be this contrary??

[Judegirl]

Hi all!

My 28-month old has been countering every single suggestion - or direction, for that matter - with another one. "Would you like some cheese?" is answered with "No cheese! How about some bread?" etc. etc. (And heaven forbid I prhase it as a statement rather than a question...!)

I'm assuming this is just the normal quest for autonomy and independence...but are your toddlers inclined to reject absolutely everything that doesn't come from them?

Thanks,
Jude

ETA: I'm just wondering whether it's this regular with other toddlers, not so much looking for advice on how to handle it... I always appreciate advice, but I thought I'd clarify before the thread turned into something I didn't intend. Thanks everyone!

[Momof3Labs]

Yep. She's testing the control she has in her little world (and they should have some control, just not all of it).

Try phrasing the question this way: "would you like some cheese or some yogurt?" Don't let "yes" or "no" be one of the answers to the questions if you don't want to start the runaround (well, it will still happen sometimes). Toddlers like to have choices (cheese or yogurt)!

[crayonblue]

Yes, that seems about right. I give Lauren two choices. I try not to give her the opportunity to constantly say no.

Good luck!

[Judegirl]

Hi Lori! Thanks for the reassurance! As for 2 choices, LOL, Rory doesn't fall for that one - she hasn't for months. At this point, she just says "NO two choices! Three choices! Hotdogs are a THIRRRRD choice!"

But it's good to know it's not just us. :)

Jude

[Tracey]

Just to extend this example out a little further...I'll phrase the question "would you like some cheese or some yogurt?" and get the answer "I want bread." That's when I say "your choices are cheese or yogurt, which one would you like?" The reply..."I want bread. (insert whine)" This is when I say "Do you need help making a choice." Now she'll either decide on the yogurt or cheese or I decide for her. It's tempting to just give her the bread, but that sets up a pattern of ignoring the choices presented.

[Judegirl]

Yes, that's what we do. I was just sharing her reaction, that's all. :)

Thanks,
Jude

[Tracey]

Just wanted to say that was adding to Mom3labs comment because I was writing my response while you were writing yours if that makes sense. We were both saying the same thing...expect that third option to pop up!:D I don't want you to think I was criticizing your techniques.

I know what a tough tough road it is to try to make the best decisions. I will say that discipline before the age of 18m was a piece of cake and that it has gotten progressively more difficult for us now that she is almost 3 1/2. I try try try to use positive discipline techniques. I really do. I work on my own self control and assuming positive intent. Most of the time I do okay, but I'm learning that alot of this is about me and not her. I'm rambling, but I wanted you to know that yes, they are all obstinate and that's a good thing, but one of my struggles.

[Zana]

We have that issue lately and Im told it could be because of the new baby coming but who knows with toddlers :P

The latest is clothes...any clothes I pick are absolutely not what DS wants. "Do you want red pajamas or blue"..."no pajamas, I want to wear pants with belt"

I just pick my battles with him!

[cmdunn1972]

Lori, that's exactly what I would have suggested! :) Great minds think alike, eh?

If DS, 16 months, lets me know he wants a drink, I'll take him to the fridge and let him choose between water, juice, or milk. (I'll pick 2 out of the three so as not to overwhelm him with too many choices.) If milk is all I'm offering, I'll let him choose between colors of sippy cups.

I try to do the same at mealtimes.

[californiagirl]

> I try
>not to give her the opportunity to constantly say no.

When DD is in a "No" mood, I ask lots of questions to which I know the answer is "No".
Like "Would you rather have Daddy read you the book?" "Do you want the juice with fizzy water?" etc. etc. etc. They're all things where it would be OK if she said "Yes", but I absolutely don't care if she says "No". Some days it feels like she has a "No" quota to use up...

[writermama]

No! Er, yes, just channeling my inner toddler for a moment. I don't know if they all are, but mine sure is.

One day after she said "no" to every suggestion I made for what to have for lunch, I asked her, "Would you like a monkey?" She actually paused and thought for a minute before saying, "no, not a monkey." She's even said no to ice cream, her favorite thing in the world.

I've also been able to get her on video saying, "No, I don't want you to buy me a car when I'm older." "No, I don't want to pierce my belly button." "No, I don't want to date a biker." "No, I don't want to date until I'm 25."

Maybe one day she'll be telling this to her therapist, but I figure that if I don't have fun with it I'll go nuts.

[crayonblue]

"Some days it feels like she has a "No" quota to use up..."

Ha! Ha! Yes, we have days like this too! I was trying to say that I try not to give her the opportunity to constantly say no to non-negotiables.

[crl]

We try that one too. Unfortunately, DS seems to know we are trying to trick him and refuses to answer! LOL. Sometimes it does distract him from the non-stop nos.

And he's added "why?" to the routine.

DS: "What's the plan?"
Me: "Lunch, quiet time, park"
DS: "Why?"
Me: "We need to eat and rest, then I thought you'd like the park,"
DS: Either "No quiet time" or "Why?"

[Judegirl]

Thanks for explaining, Tracey! I didn't mean to put you on the defensive, and I was glad for both yours and Lori's feedback. I've just had threads go south at least partially because my original questions weren't necessarily clear, so I felt compelled to clarify...my own issue. :) Thanks for understanding.

Best,
Jude

[Judegirl]

Oh no...the Whys are coming?? When does that start??

But I like the way your ds does it; it's direct, lol. Rory thinks she's slick - it goes like this:

Me: Lunch, diaper change, park.
Rory (with solemn understanding): Lunch, play with toys, park.

LOL.

Jude

[californiagirl]

Oh yeah. Every time I hear myself say "Let's..." or "How about..." I just wanna slap myself. Of course the answer is going to be "NO!" Then again, the answer to "Which shoes do you want to put on?" and "It's time to go now" is also "NO", but it makes me feel better not to have invited it.

One of the good things about having my in-laws visiting is that I now know that yes, the low-key approach to "NO" (you reflect feelings and move on with as little fuss and reaction as possible) really does work. Of course, I know this because one day of MIL's hyper-focus on the word "NO" ("You can't say 'No' to your mother!" Really? How, exactly, are you going to stop her?) caused it to spiral out of control. Once MIL was reigned in, DD went back to only shouting "NO" and running away once every few days. She still says NO fairly often, but it's not the over-the-top 10-times-a-day drama thing it can be. Hey! Maybe some of the good stuff is skill and not pure luck! (Some days I wonder.)

[MarisaSF]

It's definitely a control thing. It's pretty funny to watch. We were just having lunch and I had a variety of things out on the counter.

I offered her yogurt. "No, no, no yogurt! I would like toast."

Okay, so I hand her the toast. "And some yogurt please." <eye roll>

Lots of reverse psychology going on here. We should remember *not* to offer her the one thing we want her to eat. I've noticed that if I put her meal on a plate in front of me, she thinks it's mine and then wants to eat it. Hee hee-- fast one!

[MarisaSF]

>Oh no...the Whys are coming?? When does that start??
>

Oh, Jude, you're in for fun!
Jazz hardly knows what "why" means, but she discovered that if she says it, I'll keep talking. She totally fooled me, but it's already started here!

I think it started because she likes the letter Y and must have been talking about it one day while I was explaining something. Good thing I like to talk and explaing things, but that "why" game is more challenging than you'd think! :)

[kijip]

Yes. Toddlers are contrary!

I don't have any specific advice, but know that it is a phase (albeit a LONG phase) and being consistent helps get through.

[crl]

Around here "why" started a couple of months before he turned three and is still going strong (at 3 years and 2 months). Isn't amazing how smart they are? A good friend of mine once admitted that she sometimes gives in to her son just because she admires his negotiating skills!