How did you know you were ready to try for #2?

[clc053103]

Hello ladies! I don't post in this forum often but whenever I do, get a warm response. So I thought I would post this for feedback and insight!

DS is 13 months old and the love of our lives. DH and I are mid 30's so if we want to grow our family, we would like to do so sooner rather than later. We have such a wonderful DS- truly an angel baby. Everyone warns us that we shouldn't have any more kids, b/c we'll never get two like him (I know, it's a bunch of poop!) We feel like we are finally truly enjoying parenting, rather than the first months when we were so nervous of doing anything wrong!

We go back and forth about trying for #2- and while obviously it's got to be something we are ready for, I thought it might help to hear the stories of others- what made you realize you were ready for #2. Or parents of onlys, what made you decide your family was complete with one?

Thanks in advance for your responses!

[megs4413]

I knew I wanted our two close together because I wanted them to have a chance to be close as they grow older. (not that siblings further apart aren't close...) I am 2 years and 3 days apart from my bro and i thought it was perfect spacing. we were close enough in age to play together when we were little and we're still close now. I was aiming for 2-3 years apart and our two will be 23 mos. apart...i got close!

That's our story...but this is such a personal decision. I think you'll know in your heart whether you want more children or not...and then timing comes down to logistics IMO. Do you think you want two in diapers together? Do you want your older DC off to school before you tackle another newborn? Do you want them to be close in age so you can get through toddlerhood in a hurry? There are lots of factors to consider, and I hope you and DH can come up with a conclusion that is right for your family.

[ribbit1019]

Hmm, I decided we were ready when I saw the positive result on the pregnancy test. ;)
Seriously though I don't think there is a difinitive moment that you say Aha! I think that you need to have a desire and resources (and I am not talking financial) to expand your family. For us, we knew we wanted to have several children, even if we were to adopt since I had fertility issues. I wanted DD to have sibilings as someday DH and I will be gone and I believe that a person needs a support system. Not that it HAS to be a sibiling it is just nice (as long as they turn out semi-normal ;) My poor mom....) to have siblings.

Christy
My Waterbabies
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[clc053103]

THanks ladies for the responses- very thought provoking which is what I was looking for!!! I guess we never felt we wanted a big family, but our experience with DS has been so unbelievable- we can't help but think about giving him a sibling. We do agree we want them close in age too- so that's why we are giving it very serious thought.

Looking forward to more responses!

[deenass]

I really struggled with this, mostly b/c of external factors (EVERYONE I knew was pg with #2!) My sis and I are 3 years apart and not close, DH & his sis are 6 years apart and VERY close! I had originally thought I wanted kids 3 years apart, then saw EVERYONE I know having them between 16 mos and 2 1/2 years apart, my head was spinning, b/c I was SO NOT ready to be pg when DS was 1 - 2 years old.

For us, I needed to get over the sleep deprivation of a baby and the "neediness" of a baby. I nursed DS for 20 mos, so I guess I wanted to have my body to myself for a while. I needed DS to be more independant before I got pg. I was really sick when pg with him and was unsure how I could handle a toddler and ALL day sickness.

I also really wanted him to have his own babyhood and to be able to enjoy it. My kids will be 4 years apart, DS is potty trained (and will have been for a year) sleeps through the night and is able to entertain himself. I've even been able to nap a little while he unwinds with a movie. That wouldn't have been the case a year or two ago.

I'm really happy with the spacing we will have, I feel I will get to enjoy this baby as much as I did with my first, b/c DS will be in school 3 days a week when this one comes along, so we'll have lots of alone time together. That said, my 4 year old will have had 4 years of being the center of attention, so this could rock his world (and ours!!!).

[maestramommy]

I'm in my late 30's and dh is turning 40, so we want dc2 sooner than later. The original plan was to start TTC when Dora turns 18 months. That said, TTC with her was a 4 month obssession with the charting, checking mucous, taking temp, etc. The only upside was plenty of sex :-).
We were lucky in that it only took 4 tries. Or was it 3? I can't imagine what I would've turned into if it went on for a year.

This time I suggested how about just stopping the BC when she turns one, then if I'm not pregnant by 18 months we'll start with the more intentional TTC techniques. I would just like a few months of not thinking so hard, and besides it's only been a week since she's been sleeping through the night, she could start waking again when the teething recommences, so taking the temp is a waste of time anyway.

[lisams]

I've always wanted them at least 3 years apart, and it worked out that it will be a little over 4 years. I wanted to enjoy time with DD, and now that she's going to preschool I'll have some alone time with the baby on the way.

I don't handle stress well, so it was a better match for me to have them at least 3 years apart. I know some moms who do great under stress but that just isn't me! I'm a perfectionist (trying to work on being a little more relaxed though!) so that was part of the reason for waiting a little longer.

[sarahsthreads]

I'm also in the 3-ish years apart camp. Ideally, I'd get pregnant sometime in the beginning of next year, so that by the time DC #2 comes along DD will be in preschool a couple of mornings a week and I'll have some one-on-one time with #2. Of course, it took us 3 years to conceive DD, so chances are it won't all go as planned!

I absolutely, positively *knew* I wasn't ready to have another until just recently. Partly it's because I'm enjoying watching DD blossom into a fabulous little person, but partly it's for selfish reasons - I'd like to get my body back into a little better shape before going through the trials of pregnancy and labor (and sleep deprivation) again. I'm also still nursing, but DD is beginning to self-wean, and it would be nice to have a tiny little break from nourishing another person for a month or two.

It really is a very personal decision. There are days when I look at a mom busy chasing two kids and think that there's no way I'm ready for that, but recently there have been a lot more days when I look at the same scene and start imagining what our next child will be like, so I think I'm much closer to being ready than I was even a month or so ago.

Good luck!
Sarah :)

[Lovingliv]

Hehehe, me too Christy! We had just said "ok, if it happens, it happens!" Boy was I shocked three days later when I got a very dark positive!!!
I am so excited the first two will be so close...
I am one of 7 so I knew I would want more than one.
I was a little sad, in reflection. I just felt like I would be taking something away from Olivia. Then I thought about my 6 siblings and realized that I just gave her a great gift!
Now, I was not back to pre-preggo weight, and Liv had JUST started to sleep through the night. We are still nursing twice daily too.
But there will be many years for me to "have my body back".

Do what works for you,,,,,or play the odds and see where it gets you :)

[o_mom]

Well.. maybe TMI, but when we got sick of using condoms :-)

[searchdog]

I originally thought I would want our kids to be 2 years apart. When DD was 1 I couldn't imagine being pregnant right then. We are only planning on having two so I figured there wasn't a real rush. We ended up getting pregnant the month after DDs birthday and I am now so excited. DD will be 2 years 10 months when her sibling is born and she too will be able to go to preschool that fall so I will get one on one with the baby and I feel DD will be independent enough that she won't be 100% jealous of the baby (I realize she will be jealous no matter what). I hope that DD will be close to potty trained by the time the baby is born so that we only have one in diapers. I also didn't want to have to buy a second crib. We are currently working on a big girl room for DD so that we can get her moved in there long before baby comes home to try to get her used to it gradually instead of her being forced out once the baby is here.

[TraciG]

Before I even had Sydney I said when she's 1 1/2 I'd start trying for the second, WELL I was NO WAY ready ! Now Sydney will be 3 in 2 months & I'm 36 so I feel I should start trying again soon, plus I don't want them to be so far apart ! We need to get insurance then we'll start.

I also don't handle stress well so even though I would have liked my kid's closer together in age there was just no way I could have done it !

[clc053103]

I am REALLY enjoying reading everyone's stories--- keep the responses coming!!

I too feel some of my reasons are selfish- I got my weight down under what I was pre baby (I had MC two months prior and was too heavy to start with) and I like actually being called skinny. I feel like DH and I are getting our previous schedule back- DS old enough (and awake long enough!) to take on our saturday morning gym/bagel/shop outings, DS has slept through the night for so long I don't know how I would react to going back to those sleepless nights....

but I too have a sister I am close to (talk to 25 times a day) and I would like our son to have a sibling as well....my DN's are 4 years apart and always fighting- the age difference doesn't work for them. Yet others (particularly, both girls or one of each) seem to have better stories of kids 3 yrs apart or more.

Our final concern is financial- we have enough to give DS the best of everything. If there's two, we might not. Then again- a sibling could be the best gift of all!

AGain, thank you all for sharing, and I hope others will share their stories as well!

[SpaceGal]

I always knew I would like to have at least 2 kids. I'm an only child (with a single mom) and DH is from a family of five. It was always sooooo lonely growing up for me. And even though I never grew up with DH I knew that I wanted my kids to have someone to bond with and celebrate holidays with if they wanted to. So I knew I wanted at least 2, Dh on the other hand wants like 3 or 4.

Once DS turned 1, we were ready to try for #2....figuring better to have them closer together than far apart. Plus since I'm not working now I didn't want to start and stop with a job if you know what I mean. We kind of felt like yeah it will hard to have lots of little kids at once but get it done with and we can move on tot he next step in our lives and enjoy our kids while we're young. We don't want to be older and feel tired and out of energy chasing after them.

We didn't really get pregnant until DS was 16 months old...so that sets them probably 24-25 months apart...which is fine to me. I'm sure it will be a challenge but one I think I'll be as ready as I'll ever be.

[bunnisa]

The health insurance kicked in at DH's new job!

I really wish our first 2 were closer in age, but hopefully the 3rd will be much closer. We'll know we're ready for #3 when we get pregnant (in God's timing). :D

...blessed wife and mama to two!

"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
-Justin Torres

[BillK]

We knew we were ready for #2 as soon as we had ~$30,000 saved up for another adoption. Now we just have to provide a ream of paperwork, multiple references, background checks, federal forms etc etc etc and wait for about a year all the while hoping and praying nothing else drastic changes with the Korea program.

Sadly some of us don't have the convenience of just deciding when we want to start trying for another. Be grateful everyday that you (not just "you" I mean anyone who can have biological children) have the option of just "trying for another".

[jillc]

People started asking me "When are you going to have another baby?" at DD's 1st b-day party, and I was shocked. The only thing that came to my mind was "I already have a baby! She's one now, but still a baby! No more anytime soon!" DD was still waking once to nurse during the night at that time & another in the near future was not on my mind at all.

Then about 6 months later, tons of friends were popping up pregnant with their DC#2. That made me start thinking about it a bit & DD was gradually seeming like less of a baby to me. DH and I both discovered that "Wow! I think we're ready to try for another! I can't believe it!"

Yes, DD is still definitely demanding of my attention & she such a quirky little mixture of an independent little person & mama's little baby all day long. But we're definitely ready.

I think one day you'll just realize that you're ready.

[jbowman]

We were really excited about adding another member to our team. ;) DH and I both have siblings, and we thought it would be a gift both to Ellie (our older daughter), and the baby (Alice, as it turns out!). We wanted our children to be close together in age (they are 25 months apart, we wanted a two-year separation), so I suppose that spacing determined our readiness.

Ellie adores her little sister, and I constantly marvel at how full and rich Alice's life has been so far (don't mean to sound so corny) b/c of her big sister--she's had a lot of stimulation, LOL.

[karolyp]

same here! I could have written your post - but you said it so much better! ;)

[Lovingliv]

Bill,

My post may not have expressed what I do think about often. I am TRULY lucky to be able to be "surprised". I did not mean to make any adoptive parents out there feel bad.

I am blessed and do thank-god everyday that I am able to conceive naturally and quickly.

I hope everything works out for you, and wish you luck in extending your family!

[Jenn98]

Bill,
Believe it or not, but part of me is pretty envious of you. I had/have always planned on adopting. I just *knew* there was a little girl waiting for me in China. And when I found out I was pregnant with DD I was thrilled, but I also was angry a teeny bit. I was terribly sick and having a very rough pregnancy, and although I was so thankful for the baby in my belly, I was resentful of the pregnancy in general sometimes. And now that we are pregnant with DD#2 and have a house, two cars, bills, etc (not to mention that I work in non-profit, so I don't make a whole lot!) it's looking further and further away that we might ever be able to financially afford to adopt. And that just breaks my heart. I totally thank my lucky stars that, like you said, I get to just try for another, but I also have a sad spot in my heart that I hope to fill one day with the face of my daughter(s) from China. I'm not trying to take away from your frustration in any way, I'm just a bit envious of your adoption journey, that's all.

Jen

[BillK]

No no no - I didn't want to come off as bitter - it's great you guys are fertile and have that choice - I always kid my wife about her and her infertile group of friends who all met on another bbb and are now friends irl (who now all have kids btw via adoption, ivf (triplets!) or foster). It's also a bitter pill to swallow after blowing through 5 failed ivf's initially (hindsight's 20/20 and all that - but how STUPID of us to do that) and then have to drop another truckload of dough on adoption (gogo BIG 10k adoption tax credit! /eyeroll)

It's just been a frustrating day - since we got our "ream" of paperwork for the Korea adoption today. It's terribly insulting to have to provide the info they want (but I understand why) and I had forgotten just how annoying all that is since we're like 2 years past the first round with Zach's adoption (a double spaced typed 6-9 page autobiography for each one of us for, full financial statement, 4 references that have to each fill out approximately 5-6 pages of questions as a tiny example). I kinda wish once you've done an adoption the stuff you need to provide would be slightly less cumbersome for the 2nd adoption.

Anyway - sorry to rain on the parade - I didn't mean to come off as a bitter old man! ;)

[Jenn98]

NO! You did not come off as bitter at all! I just wanted to be sure I was sensitive to your feelings and not causing any undue hurt. Either way, adopting or biological, I guess the grass is always greener on the other side sometimes, right? Hey, I'll trade you some stretch marks for a little more paperwork!

[starrynight]

I didn't want the kids more than 4 years apart and I knew I didn't want just one so when ds was a little over 2 we started trying again. They are 3 years and 3 months apart. I had plenty of time but wanted to have them all in a short period of time and then be done with it. I have a sister 5 years older and we aren't close, dh has a sister 4 years older and isn't close. Both of us are much closer to our younger siblings (dh's brother is 2 years younger, mine is 18 months younger) so that is why we planned them no more than 4 years apart. My youngest (not planned!) is 18 months younger than her sister.

[MartiesMom2B]

We knew that we wanted two, but there was no way that I could have two close together. I think it would've been too stressful on me. By the time I was ready to get pregnant DD was about 2 and I thought that 3 would be a wonderful age difference. We had purchased our home and DH was doing well at work. We had some fertility issues this time around and I kep going back and forth on whether DD would be an only child, whether to adopt, or how far we'd go into the infertility process. Fortunately, the clomid worked for us. My kids will be almost 4 years apart, and I'm actually kind of thankful. I think that the 3s are worse than the terrible twos and I can't imagine having a newborn now.

-Sonia
Mommy to Martie
& Li'l Bunny to come Feb. 2007
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