B'day parties and saying "no gifts" please - Q

[anamika]

I'm wondering if I should write this on our invitation but I hesitate b'cos I have heard that it doesn't really work and can cause confusion with some people bringing gifts anyway and others not and then feeling embarassed.
So if you had no gifts on the invite, did it work?
Also, if you got an invite which said no gifts, did you or would you still bring something, no matter how small??
I know some people will bring gifts (like my relatives) no matter what, and I know that I will always bring something to a party. Heck, I always bring something even if I'm going for a playdate :) (maybe it's an Indian tradition but I can't go to anyone's house empty-handed)
Thanks for your input,

[kelly ann]

Knowing myself, I would still bring a gift. However, I would probably buy a different kind of gift. For example, a gift card for something not tangible...the movie theater, ice cream store, favorite kiddie restaurant or zoo. That way the child still has a gift, but it does not take up any room. Plus you can just slip it in the card and others don't feel guilty that you brought a huge wrapped up gift :)

[dhano923]

I know what you mean about the whole Indian "must bring gift" thing! ;) I haven't really seen "no gifts" on any birthday invitations, but most people here do it for weddings. But, in our Punjabi community here (So. CA), "no gifts" on an invitation translates "they don't want gifts, so we'll give money". I know a lot of newlyweds request no gifts because they want to choose their own, or will be living with parents, etc but indian people automatically feel that they must give something so they always give money.

[MarisaSF]

If someone requests 'no gifts,' I would respect that. I might bring something small and/or disposable like a balloon or banana bread or just a card. I am perpetually feeling that our shelves and baskets are overflowing and toys are multiplying and understand why someone wouldn't want to accumulate more toys and "stuff" no matter how well intentioned.

I would strongly urge you to write "no gifts, please." You and your guests will appreciate it. I think the gift bringers should feel as embarrrassed as the non-gifters -- that is, not. Your invite is only a request.

[Globetrotter]

We've been doing it but giving a charity option instead. I find that people have an urge to give something, so this works out. You'll still get some stuff, but it will tend to be books or less conspicuous items.

Most people love the idea, but maybe that's our crowd.

In fact, this has become the trend in one of our playgroups, where almost everyone collects money for a charity of their choice instead of collecting gifts!

Despite this, our playroom is full. yikes.

Kris

[Corie]

We've received 2 birthday party invitations that have
said not to bring gifts. And, in lieu of gifts, please
bring a book for charity.

Everyone at both parties brought not only a book for
charity but also a birthday gift for the child.

Honestly, I think it's a little hard to explain to a child
why they aren't getting any gifts. They've been going to
birthday parties throughout the year and bringing gifts
to their friends.

Maybe everyone else has more understanding children but my
daughter would be upset if her friends didn't bring her a gift.
Especially since my daughter really takes the time to think
about what gifts to give her friends and she draws a special card.

If I want to do a charitable donation, then I should do it for
MY birthday! Just my opinion!

[holliam]

Well, in our playgroup we all seem to be requesting "no gifts". I think it is working pretty well. A few folks still bring a few items, but I don't think folks feel badly about doing it or not.

I guess it would be harder if most of your group wasn't including it.

Holli

[kristine_elen]

I just write "No gifts, please" and it works pretty well. If someone brings something, I thank them and set it aside to open after guests leave. (Then write a thank you note.) I don't bring a gift when they say no gifts, though I might bring a card.

[Globetrotter]

These are the values I want to teach my kids so what better way to do it? I think once they get used to something, it might be hard to change. I teach them about marketing and how they want you to buy stuff you don't need, etc. etc.. so this goes hand in hand with that.

My daughter is really excited about it, in fact, as she gets to help me choose the charity. After the last party, she was already thinking of ideas for the next birthday :)

My son is still too young to understand, but he doesn't seem to care. They still get plenty of stuff from us and a few other people, so I don't think they are deprived in any way. Just come and see their playroom, and I'm sure you will agree with me.

We tend to get (and give) a lot of nice homemade (by the kid) cards instead, and some people actually make little crafts. My daughter likes to make perler bead crafts to go with the donation.

I think it's like anything else. Once it becomes the norm (as in this playgroup) noone would think twice about it!

Kris

[nov04]

We wrote "best wishes only" on our invites to dd's baptism. It went perfectly. About half the guests brought one anyway, we put them in another room during the party after acknowledging them. Personalized and long thank you notes were written later.

Ppl had been so generous to us when she was born, we just couldn't accept anymore. I think it took a lot of pressure off both us and the guests. We didn't feel like we were throwing a gift-grab and the guests didn't feel like they were going to one.

[jenmcadams]

We just recently put this on my DD's 4th birthday invite, so I don't have first hand experience as to whether it will work, but I'm hopeful. I'd say over 1/2 of the birthday parties my DD has been invited to have had no gift requests and it seems to work pretty well. Honestly for me, I feel bad when we don't open gifts at a party (at my DDs 3rd birthday party, we didn't do "no gifts" and it would have been impossible to open the gifts given the party venue and the attention span of a 3 year old -- we opened them later and wrote thank you notes, but I still felt bad about not getting them opened at the party).

My DDs 4th birthday will be at My Gym (approx. 2 weeks after her actual birthday -- which is TODAY :)). I've already told her that we asked for no gifts please on the invite and she understands that part of her own birthday present is the party itself. We'll do a cake and presents tonight with our immediate family and one aunt.

I feel like as DD gets older, we'll do smaller parties with just her good friends (for now we invite lots of kids she plays with along with most of the kids in her preschool subgroup). I felt uncomfortable about people I didn't know as well (new parents in her preschool group) feeling obligated to buy a present.

Just my $0.02,

[kelly ann]

BTW, I am surprised that I have yet to receive an invite that requested no gifts. We get quite a few invites from friends and then a bunch from children in daycare with DS. Anyway, I am surprised after reading these responses that I have never seen this request. Maybe it is regional???

I guess I could start the trend in my little world, but like Corie's daughter, DS gets excited about his birthday presents. He already has been pointing out the Dora castle and the Diego rescue center in the Nick Jr. magazine - I am a marketer's dream :)

[MarisaSF]

>
>My DDs 4th birthday will be at My Gym (approx. 2 weeks after
>her actual birthday -- which is TODAY :)).

Happy birthday to Abbie!

[barbarhow]

We requested "No gifts please" on Jack's birthday invites. 1 child brought a card. It worked beautifully.
We have gone to birthday parties that have requested the same and taken a card. I think that a card is a nice way to teach a child to express feelings and hopes for a happy year. When time allows a homemade card is even better.
I, personally, think that there is way too much emphasis on the gift part of most holidays and am trying hard to put more celebration into events and less $/material objects. JMHO.

[goodnightmoon]

This is so interesting! We just received an invitation to the wedding of DH's friend who is Indian. The invitation read "No boxed gifts, please." We assumed that meant they would prefer money, but don't know what is appropriate. Do people give cash, check, something else?

Thank you!
Laura
mommy to Eva Marie 2/16/05

[dhano923]

Yes, "no boxed gifts" means "don't give us things, but money is ok". LOL You can give cash, check or even a gift card.

When my good friend got married last year, they put "no boxed gifts" on their invitations. So I got them a gift card to Macys, but I put it in a small box, which I put into a larger box, then that into a larger one, etc. I used 7 boxes, then wrapped up the last box in wedding gift wrap. When she saw DH carrying it in to the reception, she was surprised, but she and her DH had a good laugh about it when they opened it later. :D

[galvjen]

We wrote "your presence is the perfect present" on invites for DS' first birthday. It worked well. A couple friends brought a card and a few others brought a present. We didn't open gifts at the party but, of course, sent nice thank you notes later.
Jen

[DebbieJ]

>We've been doing it but giving a charity option instead.

We did this as well. We printed it right on the invites, along with the name and address of the charity for them to donate. Just two people donated, my family all brought gifts, and one of the people that donated also brought a small something--a Color Wonder coloring book and marker, which I have actually appreciated very much!

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
2 year check up: 25 lbs with clothes on and 35 inches!
BFARed for 20 months and 6 days
(Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org)

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[chlobo]

When do you think they start to understand? I would love to do this for dd.

[anamika]

Thank you for all the replies. I have much food for thought now.
I realize part of my indecision comes from the fact that I would never go empty-handed to a party - this would make it awkward for the Indians coming. And they might give me money - not my intention at all :)
DD doesn't have a lot of toys so that is not my concern. I don't want people to feel *obliged* to spend money, KWIM. Which is why I'm not for the charity idea either (though it might be great when DD is old enough to understand).
I think much further discussion with DH is required. Yikes, who knew we would spend more time discussing DD's b'day party than we did our own wedding!
And interestingly, I have yet to see a "No gifts" invitation.

[rlu]

I think part of it is the child's age. DS is only 2. For his first b-day we did presents as it was a combo extended family/friend party.

DS has two friends close enough to do parties with. One is slightly older (2 weeks) and her party was no gifts so we didn't take a gift, just gave a b-day card. DS party was no gifts, the older one did not bring a gift, but the younger friend did. So, when we went to her party, we took a gift.

Easy enough to keep track with so few kids, but once he starts school?

I'm torn about the gifts next year as well. DS will be old enough to expect gifts, but I like the idea of charity. Perhaps instead we'll have DS pick out a certain number of his old toys and have him go with us to donate them to a charity. But I don't want him to associate getting rid of old toys with getting new toys (plan to do at xmas too) so maybe make the charity donation a quarterly thing instead? Need to talk to DH about this.

[Globetrotter]

What I meant is, DS doesn't seem to care about the gifts. That's probably because he has enough stuff lol

As for what age they understand... maybe around 4 or 5? Definitely by 5, I would say, but IMO it's never too early. In fact, when they are really small they certainly won't miss the gifts. Even my three year old understood that we were collecting donations.

I also wanted to make it clear that the charity option was an option, not a requirement. I said something like "Instead of a gift, may we suggest that you donate...." Most people did give a donation, though. I had a couple of friends who brought a gift and a couple of close ones did both (not my intention). Still better than getting 24 presents! I wouldn't be so opposed to gifts if we had small parties, but we always have more than 20 kids, so... it gets out of control really fast.

Last time we had people bring stuffed animals (great chance to get rid of old ones) as there is a charity that cleans them and distributes them to orphanages, hospitals, etc... Another idea is school supplies for a school in a less fortunate area - my friend did that and I loved the idea. Just be specific, though, as to what kinds of supplies they need. Or you could call your homeless shelter and see what they need. Maybe do a diaper drive for a local charity? As you can see, it doesn't have to be a monetary donation!

Kris

[lisams]

I've been to "no gift" parties for children and given a gift card for the book store in the amount for the child to buy a special book (usually $10). That way it goes right into the card and noone else can tell I brought something, and it's not a huge gift.

If it's a party for an adult (birthday, house warming, etc) and it says no gifts, we usually bring a bottle of wine or something similar.

I feel so stange going empty handed, so I'm guilty of not really following the rules!

[Corie]

I was going to email you off the board but your user
profile has been disabled.

Email me when you have a chance.

[Globetrotter]

Ultimately, do what you feel comfortable with, gifts/no gifts/whatever!

I'm happy to take gifts to other people's parties LOL unless they specify otherwise.

Kris