Childcare Question WWYD, Long

[jhood]

Hello! I am a frequent lurker here and find really useful advice, I'm posting now b/c I'm in a situation like nobody else I know and don't quite know what to do, so I was hoping some mamas would weigh in.
As a background, I am a single mom to a 20 month old and in my last year of a medical residency. I have just about a year more to go (finish next yr in November b/c I took time off for complications after DD). My residency is not horribly busy call wise, so that even though I am on call every third night, its from home and I have to go in maybe once or twice a week at night. However most days I'm gone at 7am and return at 6 or 7pm. Therefore, it seems the only solution is to have a nanny live in with me. I've had a horrendous time finding someone suitable who can put up with the hours I have, which obviously includes every other weekend or so. Last year my sister lived with me and even though it worked out perfectly for both her and DD, I could see that even she would be exhausted with my hours.
My parents live on the West Coast (we're on the East). They've often helped me take care of DD, flying over when we need them, they love her to bits and she adores them. They have a huge house in California and are both retired, so she really enjoys her visits with them and they can take her places, are great about teaching her things in a fun way etc. Also, my mother is a wonderful, caring and nurturing woman, even more wonderful with DD than she was with me. My parents really miss DD, and have recently been mentioning that maybe I should consider leaving her with them this year. It would make practical sense, since they have so much more time and love her. I have a job lined up for next year that would put me within 10 mins of their house, so that even when DD came back to live with me next year it would not mean a major disuption/leaving grandparents for her, she would still see them every day. At this point they can probably parent her much better than I can, because I am exhausted most of the time and a lot of the time I feel that I'm just trying to get DD to bed when I get back from work so that I can sleep...I really try, but its not ideal.
Against sending her to stay with my parents:
I love her and would miss her like hell, really. She is my only companion at home and she really does brighten up my life. I have never been away from her for longer than a night (when I'm on call).
Would it damage her psychologically forever? Would she feel abandoned? Angry? Would it disrupt her attachment? I would still talk to her every day and mom or dad would bring her every couple of months for a few weeks to see me, but would she still hate me when she grows up?
I just feel horribly guilty thinking about doing this, I am, after all, her only functional parent. On the other hand, we are from Asia and in our particular culture, it is customary for grandparents to take care of kids when the children are younger. My parents and I have both seen that amongst Asian families here and in Asia and my parents seem to think that, being very adaptable at her age, that she would just adjust easily to the situation.
So WWYD???? Have an inadequate, expensive live-in or have her taken fabulous care of, but away from me? Money is not really a major concern, since ex-husband is a very well off plastic surgeon and would have to pay part of the childcare costs, so I could do nanny or daycare and nanny, but is it really as good as being taken care of by very loving, devoted and smart grandparents?
If you've gotten this far, thank you. If you can give me any advice, I would really really appreciate it.
Mia

[jgriffin]

Is there any way one (or both) of your parents could stay with you, even if only for a month at a time? She could stay with them for a couple of months, then everyone could be on the east coast for a month, that sort of thing. Or is there anyplace nearby with cheap rent, they could rent an apartment close by, so you could still see DD, but not worry about your schedule affecting everyone else.

My gut feeling is that if you send DD off to the grandparents, she'd probably adapt just fine, although it sounds like you'd have a harder time of it. FWIW, I missed my dad horribly when my parents divorced (and threw awful tantrums, screaming fits, etc), but I was much older (4yo). But I don't hate either parent for it, and I was very attached to my dad when I did see him (still am!)

I feel for you, this sounds like a really tough decision to make. Best of luck!

[Zana]

As an south-asian, I totally understand the cultural aspect of leaving your children with the grandparents - I also have friends (who are residents) who have done it. I think being seperated from DD would probably be tougher on you than her and I dont think she will hate you when she grows up.

Having said that, personally I dont think I could do it - I work FT and therefore dont get to spend every waking moment with DS, but it makes the few hours I spend with him everyday even more precious (yes, even with the constant whining at 28mths!). I would probably do the daycare+nanny or look for a live-in nanny/au pair for this year.

HTHs, but in the end its such a personal decision. Good luck!

[saschalicks]

While I totally understand your issue, I just don't know if you'll be able to handle being away from your DD. It sounds to me like you need her as much as she needs you. I really don't know how to advise you other then to tell you that I was raised by a live-in b/c my parents worked full time. I loved her as much as I loved my mother. If you find the right person to raise your child she will never be lacking in love. I work FT and my kids are in day care. I savor every moment I have with them. At the end of the day I look forward to seeing my boys and yet I am constantly exhausted. It's a tough decision to make on your part, I think whichever way you go would be OK.

[Jacksonvol]

Mia,

It sounds like you are very much willing to put your child's needs ahead of your own wishes. I have never been in the exact same situation, but I think I would first ask if your parent(s) could come stay with you between now and 11/07. They could rotate and maybe even take your daughter to vist with them for a month or so every now and then. If that does not work out, I would go with a live in nanny. I have worked with several live in nannys (who incidentially work for drs.) and they seem pretty comfortable with the scheduling situation. They are also very loving, kind people that I would hire in a heartbeat if I could afford them!

It is a tough decison, but it sounds like whatever choice you make will be the right one for your daughter.

[Marriedladytara]

I wish I had some advice for you. I just wanted to wish you luck with whatever decision you make. I can't imagine having to make that kind of choice, but it sounds like you are a wonderful mother, putting your daughter's needs ahead of your own. It also sounds like you have wonderful parents. (((HUGS)))

[Tracey]

My first choice would be to see if your parents would be willing to move into a rented house/condo, at your expense, in your area for a year. That way, they could keep her but you would have complete access.

My second choice would be the live in nanny/au pair. However, I am very overprotective and would have some issues with a stranger being around my child this much.

If you do choose to send her to your parents, I would consult a child psychologist first. Even if she seemed fine, I too would worry about abandonment/attachment problems. If the psychologist says there would be no impact or could give you some tips about how to make this work, then it would become a viable option for me. I also worry about how you would be able to handle the seperation while dealing with the stress of your residency.

Good luck with your decision and welcome to the boards.

[mamalia]

I wanted to help so I emailed someone I know who actually went overseas when he was two for nine months. His older sister was in school, both parents worked, and so he went to live with grandparents and family. They are a VERY close family (also asian), and he's a bright well-adjusted college student. It's just his opinion so take it for what that's worth. Here's his edited response:

I would advise her to send her daughter to the west coast. I was two when my parents sent me and I came back after nine months. From what I'm told, I had a good time. My mom tells me that when I came back to the states, I still thought I was living back there. I joke about the "abandoning" part with my parents at times but I understand where they are coming from. I wouldn't want to be alone with a nanny who didn't treat me well. If I had a say, I would have chosen family. I was two so I barely remember anything other than what my parents tell me and the home video that was taken. As far as I know, I have not been psychologically damaged from being away from my parents and sister.

The situation your friend has is not that bad. Instead of leaving her child with relatives overseas, she's just travelling across the states to the west coast; she could just fly over for a weekend to visit. From what I got from her story, she has long hours and is on call on top of that. I think it would be bad if she didn't send her child to live with her parents for a year. At least her mom can be the mother-figure for DD. Moreover she has a job lined up within a year on the west coast so it's not that bad. Obviously I am not a mom or have any children of my own to take care off so I can't fully relate. Any way, here is my suggestion to your online friend: Send her child to the west coast to live with her parents (DD seems to like it there) for a year and reunite after that.

[kaylinsmommy2]

My uncle/aunt also sent their daughter (when she was about 2) overseas to live with her grandparents (also my grandparents). From what I've heard and known, she adjusted very well living with her grandparents. She seems to have a good relationship with her parents now, too. In return, when she was a resident, her dad came to live with her family for 2 years (off and on, but most of the time) to watch her daughter.

So I think it depends on whether or not you think *you* will adjust okay for the year. You have two possible choices and both can be worked out, as long as you feel good with your choice. Your daughter will eitehr spend time with her grandparents, or with you, plus a nanny. It is very possible that you will find a great nanny/daycare that will take great care of your daughter, too.

Good luck with your decision. Hugs.

Caroline
mommy to Kaylin 6/5/04

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and one on the way, due 2/26/07

[sadie427]

Hi Mia, I'm also a medical resident, PM me if you want to commiserate.

I think either choice would be reasonable, but if it were me and I could afford and find appropriate childcare I would keep her with me. If you did decide to have her live with your parents, I would think she would adapt pretty well. While we haven't had changes quite this dramatic, my DS (who is 3, and was born while I was in medical school) has been thru all sorts of situations in the past few years: I stayed home with him for close to a year, then he was in daycare 40 hrs/week while I was intermittently q4 in my 4th year; then took him with me (away from his father) to my parents' for almost a month while I went to interviews; then he stayed with his father for a few weeks while I was looking for housing; then he stayed with me in the new town doing all kinds of boring errands and staying in a rental and then in a house that was being remodeled; last year he was in daycare while I was an intern and q4, with his father picking up a lot of the things I used to do. Whew! He's done great (if I do say so myself), very social, relatively pleasant in public places for a toddler, potty-trained on the early side, etc.

On the other hand, a year is a long time. Don't know what your schedule would be next year, but likely you wouldn't see her all that often. You would likely be miserable, and that counts for a lot. And even if you agree with your parents on most things, likely they will do a lot of things differently. When she comes back to live with you, she will be close to three and a bit set in her ways, I think the transition could be really hard. And I think you can make it work if you want her to live with you, especially if you have some resources for a live-in nanny with or without some daycare. Honestly a live-in nanny could be expected to help around the house too, which would give you more time with DD. And the grandparents could visit a lot too.

Good luck and hope this is helpful!

[kedss]

Hi Mia-

In your shoes, I would look really hard for someone as a live in nanny. Your daughter will be going through so many milestones in the next year,
and you would really hate to miss watching her grow up.

I hope you find an adequate live in situation, there are good childcare people out there, who love working with kids. Your parents can always come to visit you, but I think later on you would really regret missing out on this time in her life.

Just my 2 cents!
big hugs
Kate

[jhood]

Thank you all so much for your responses, I am so overwhelmed that all of you took the time to post and even to email friends about my situation. I agree with what some of the posters said about it probably being harder for me than for her, but I will have to adjust, obviously, and do whatever is in the best interests of my daughter.
Unfortunately, as sone of you suggested, my parents can't move in with me as dad still does some off and on from-home consulting for his law firm and it is a source of income for him. But they can probably do the stay with me for a month with daughter, and then take her for 2 months repeat, that is certainly do-able.
We're looking intensively for a nanny right now, what prompted me to post was that I was just not comfortable leaving DD all alone and unsupervised with a lot of the women that I have met so far. If that does not work out, then I will seriously consider the grandparent option. I just wanted to say how much it meant to read the posts from jgriffin and mamalia and to be able to get input from people who have lived in that situation and see how they turned out. It has certainly helped me feel more comfortable.
Thank you so much again!

[hillview]

Another thought ... If you hired someone as a full time nanny could your mom out for a month or so and supervise the new nanny some? My parents did this for me (they live in same city) and it made me feel so much better about her. They weren't with her all day every day but for a few hours a day -- sometimes more.
HTH
/hillary

[Sillygirl]

One other thought - can you switch residency programs to one on the West Coast? We had one girl leave for her third year when she got married. If you were living closer to your child while she stayed with your parents you might be able to visit more often. I undertand you are in a very tough dilemma. Personally, I don't think I could handle the stress of residency combined with a long separation from my son, but I also understand why you would prefer your child with family instead of a nanny. Good luck in whatever you decide.

[bubbaray]

I didn't get a chance to post yesterday, but wanted to give you big hugs for what is a very difficult decision.

Given your situation, I would try having your parents at your place for a month, then have them take your DD for 2 months.... That seems like a reasonable compromise. I agree with the PP's that I'm sure the situation will be harder on you than on your DD.

Good luck!

Melissa

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[mommy111]

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