Would you tell your parents about your pregnancy if they are unsupportive?

[SpaceGal]

My mom and I have a really awful relationship. As much as I have tried to salvage it and as much as she has "tried" I just don't think it's any good. We are just very different people with very different beliefs.

Just to quickly cover our differences:

- She is unhappy that I married because she feels men are scum. She thinks it's just a matter of time before I divorce.

-She wasn't happy when I was pregnant the first time told everyone how I was stupid to get myself pregnant and have to deal with a child when I get a divorce later children are a pain.

- She constantly reminds me how children are burdens and financially needy. She quickly told me to not have any more because she doesn't think I should bother with children.

Well knowing all this I feel like fine i get the picture that you regret having me and having to shelter the burden. I get the message that she's not happy that I am not her lap dog which is what she thinks children are born to be.

Anywho, I haven't told her I'm pregnant. Right now I don't want to tell her. Why should I? I kind of figured if she comes and visits and sees me with my big belly fine I'll tell her then or I'll tell her when I give birth. I also feel kind of mean doing this but she really would stress me out. She stresses me out weekly when I have to do a check in call to see how she is. Otherwise I'm guilted to being this horrible daughter. But we have nothing in common and nothing to say either.

I'm also weary of telling her because I don't want her to feel like moving to be near me to "help" because I don't want to need her help with my family all her negative energy would destroy us.

I don't know i just feel torn today. Unusual since I've manage to stay quiet about it. What would you do?

[brittone2]

I really don't know what I'd do. Your mom sounds like a handful, and I think if it helps you maintain your sanity for longer, you have to do what you have to do.

We have a very good relationship w/ my parents, and a very rocky one w/ my ILs. We are not really on speaking terms to be honest. However, when I got pg this time, we did drop them an email early on letting them know. In my case, there are several friends/family members in our old town that would have found out very soon, and I didn't want them to have to hear through the grapevine. I think they are happy we let them know.

If I thought she was going to drive me nuts through my entire pg'cy, I'd probably delay for quite a while. If I thought I could set boundaries for what I would tolerate and she could deal w/ those, I'd be more likely to disclose and hope for the best.

Hugs. Sorry you are faced w/ this decision right now, and I'm sure it is very stressful.

[megs4413]

I would and I have....it is rough, but i think it's harder to keep the secret. I think the best thing you could do is be completely honest with her about all your feelings and let her know that you will be ready to talk to her when she is a more positive influence in your life. I know that guilt feeling of I have to call my mom...but sometimes for sanity's sake and for you own emotional health...a break is required. Get it all out there if you can...i think you'll feel better....she might not...but that's not your problem. You can't control how she feels. Only she can do that. Good luck! i'm sorry you're in this position. I sympathize.

[Jenn98]

Although my mom and I are close and we have a good relationship, it took me a long time to be okay with the kind of mom she was/is. Once I distanced myself emotionally for a bit and got ahold of how I felt about it all, I was much better. I never confronted my mom because that just isn't the way my family does things. It would have been horrible. I had to realize that my mom and my childhood were not going to change and I needed to come to terms with how things are now. I have a family with DH and DD and my mom is not the center of that family.

I guess my point is that if you feel like it would be better for your family (you, Dh and your DC) to wait a long time to tell your mom you are pregnant then do so. And make no apologies about it. Don't let your mom guilt trip you into anything.

Good luck with your decision! Trust your gut and do what's right for YOU!

[bostonsmama]

It sounds like you're really conflicted about the joy that pregnancy entails and how you feel like you *should* be sharing the news, especially with the woman who raised you, but that your instincts are telling you otherwise. I sympathize. It must be so tough.

I have a crazy aunt whom I told early on about our pregnancy and I'm beginning to regret it since she calls me every other day to ask me how I feel, only to criticize me and tell me how stupid I am to not seek treatment when I'm nauseated...and who tells me to "get over it" and that hopefully I'll one day grow out of my sickliness. So, now I just tell her I'm feeling "fine" when she calls. So let me just say that I really do UNDERSTAND what regret & announcing pg's is all about.

You have every right to wait a while....until at least you're showing. If she finds out from the grapevine, just tell her you were waiting until the pregnancy was more secure (late 2nd trimester) to announce it, but sorry if her feelings were hurt.

I think the last thing you need is that added stress. Seriously! It's not good for you OR your baby! Stress is bad, bad, bad!

Hugs!!!

Larissa
"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us--they help us learn to endure." Rom 5:3

Praying for my little bean to keep growing, edd may 2nd
Thank GOD! Our #s are doubling! Keep it up, baby!

[KBecks]

If she were my mother I think I'd avoid talking to her!

Or, I'd have a frank discussion with her about her negativity and how it makes you feel. And tell her to knock it off!

Anyway, I think it's OK to not tell her, esp. since it seems she will have nothing positive to say and not be happy to hear it.

And, if it ever comes up - tell her frankly that you don't want her moving near you, and why.

You're a grown woman and can live your life the way you want, and that includes limiting contact with negative people.

I feel bad that you feel you have to call to check in on her. Is this because she is in poor health, or because it's some sort of emotional obligation? If it's the latter, I'd seriously consider telling her that you'll call when you feel like it, and until she gets a better attitude it might not be that often.

Anyway, that's just what I'd do.... I know it's a heck of a lot harder when it's your own mom to deal with. Good luck and best wishes for a great pregnancy, motherhood and marriage!!!

[KBecks]

Ack! Sorry to hear your aunt is pestering you, that's awful -- you deserve better!

[chlobo]

What a terribly difficult situation. I think in your shoes, if she has no other way of finding out then I'd delay.

However, if I decided to tell her I would follow that up with some kind of gentle "I don't want to hear your compalints" kind of thing. Try to set some boundaries. I know that I went through a tough time with my mom and I finally just had to literally say to her "I do not want to talk about this. If you continue to do so I will hang up the phone." And I did, on occassion, stop the conversation and hang up the phone. Sound like you might need to do that kind of thing with your mom anyhow, since dealing with her is so difficult. With some people, it seems like short of hanging up, they take it as an invitation to drop their emotional baggage on you.

[SpaceGal]

Thank you all for the insight. It's a real tough situation for me since she's my mom and I'm an only child to have to deal with her. Sad but I told my in-laws and they are all overjoyed and sending their well wishes.

I don't know why I've been on the fence about this recently because I was fine about not telling my mom previously.

She's not in any sort of medical health concern. She's just really lonely and figures my duty to her is to be her companion which apparently I've failed already since in her eyes "my daughter left me to live with her husband." Personally, my mom is very emotionally unstable. She often threatens to kill herself purely for attention and always tells me that I don't call her enough that she would have died and I wouldn't know until she was decayed. So it's like I would love to not talk to her to help myself, but it's almost like she has this weird way to make you worry about her mental health that you feel like you have to call. She's seriously is sooo hard to get along with and in the past I've told her how I feel she is never happy for me and doesn't even try to understand me. She turns this as to it's because you don't care about me that our relationship is the way it is. It's very twisted in her mind. She reminds me of Tony Soprano's mother who manipulated him.

With my mom...I could easily tell her I'm pregnant and that be that. What annoys me most is she talks so much crap about me to everyone else that I hear about it or see it in other's reactions and attitudes towards me that it drives me insane. I can tell her that I don't want to hear her issues with my new pregnancies but she gets all offended and well everything will end up in a fight no doubt. I can play it all out in my head as I write this. Dh told me I could tell her and have to listen to her flack or just not tell her till the baby comes or she sees me pregnant, and have her be mad and oh well she'll get over it just because she will.

For now I'm not going to tell her until I've totally thought it out and planned out what to say and what not.

[cmdunn1972]

I've not BTDT, but I want you to know that I sympathize. It must be really awful to be so torn when you should be completely happy.

I can't imagine growing up with your own Mom daily making you feel so inadequate with her whining about how hard her life is. That's just how life is, it's not easy for anybody, but most people try to balance the positives with the negatives. It makes me wonder if she's clinically depressed or something, which is hard on everybody.

Having not been in your shoes I'm not sure exactly what I would do. (Even if I were, we're different people so we might not handle it the same way.) While I'm not excusing your mother for her years of nearly psychologically abusing you with her negative vibes, there are two sides to every story, and she is your mother. She'll probably find out eventually, assuming you don't cut her off competely, which sadly seems like it might just happen.

I might offer her an ultimatum when you eventually do tell her. Tell her that if she's going to see your child at all then she is going to have to change her doomsday attitude. If she continues in this vein, tell her that life is tough for everybody, but most people don't whine about it all the time. Then suggest she find a good therapist or doctor before she sees her grandchild again.

[cmdunn1972]

If she's threatened suicide, whether for attention or not, I would definately suspect clinical depression as the root cause. Please get her to a psychiatrist before she attempts this.

ETA: I'm saying this as a suicide survivor. I'm not saying she will definately attempt this for real, but knowing how awful suicide is from a survivor's perspective, you really don't want to find out the hard way.

[The Review Mommy]

Sounds like your mother needs help. If she's threatening to kill her self then the best thing you can do is to get it for her. There's only so much we as children can do! I would also be calling Dr Laura to get straight forward advice on how to go about doing this and how you should go about living the rest of your life. I think she would help you out tremendously! If you have never heard of her before now feel free to check her out first and listen to a couple of her programs. I know she has covered this same problem before with great clarity and resolve.

http://www.drlaura.com/faq/#calling

The only other thing I can think of to mention is to maybe pick up the book Bad Childhood, Good Life by Dr Laura. It's a great book. :)

http://www.drlaurashop.com/product.php?id=104&PHPSESSID=b74d186bda7a9d3368818879fdf5745b

I will be praying for you and your Mother through this ordeal. HUGS!:)
Rebekah

[saschalicks]

My recommendation is to tell her but to tell her that you don't want to hear the usual. Like "mom I know you won't be be happy or have a nice thing to say about this, but I'm pregnant, and VERY happy about it. If you could please keep your comments to yourself I would be grateful." Something in that range will help her see that her point of view is not appreciated, and for you, it would be a load off to just get it all out there. Too bad she's so negative, b/c she's missing out on the joy of grandchildren.

I'm sorry this is weighing on you, but in the end remember this is a joyous time for you and your family.

[SpaceGal]

I have tried to get her to seek therapy but she believes I need it because she thinks my husband has brain washed me. Getting her therapy is hard. We're Asian and in our culture seeking mental help isn't really an option. She's never done anything suicidal, she just threatens it verbally. Most of the family knows she's attention seeking when she does this because she needs drama in her life.

My aunt and I keep our distance but keep our eye on her. As sad as it is, even though she threathens suicide we know she wouldn't do it because she is deathly afraid of dying and getting old. She tells me she's only 50 which is impossible if her younger siblings are all 50-something.

Not to make little of her threats but we (my aunt and I who deal with her most) kind of know she's just off kilter. As frustrating as she is, we keep our eye on her. As much as I wish I could end my relationship with her I can't. I'm frustrated with her but I just wouldn't abandoned her, she really needed me for something I'd be there. I just need to find the "happy medium" where she butts out of my life and starts changing her own outlook on life. I did read an article about a situation similar to mine, and basically it explains how I'm in a narcissitic relationship with her. It's all her...all the time...and I have to find my balance to a listen without letting her influence me or I will have to suffer and argue with someone that only cares to hear themselves.

[chlobo]

My mom is like this sometimes (narcissistic) and it is frustrating to deal with. My mother can take the most innocent comment and turn it into something about her and usually something bad. After years of dealing I had to keep reminding myself "do what you always do and get what you've always gotten". In that I mean that if I kept interacting in the *same* way I kept having the same interactions. So hard as it was I had to make changes. As I mentioned before, telling my mom if she kept talking about x the conversation was over. I still do that, especially when we talk about DD and she makes incredibly inane comments.

I'm not making light of your situation cause I know how difficult it can be, especially since she's your mother. But as you said, you need to find some peace since she's not going to change.

[maestramommy]

I'm really sorry about your mother. I have no experience with this but my instinct I guess is to say nothing for now. If she finds out later and is upset you didn't tell her, will it really make anything worse than it already is? Besides, I really get you about the negative energy. That's such a downer when you will have not only a new baby but another child to take care of. I really wouldn't want to be dealing with that post-partum.