Do you live by your family, if not, why?

[spencersmommy]

I was wondering: We live by family (love it), but don't love the area (pricey, schools not great, crime). We have been thinking of moving away so I can be a SAHM and have more yardage and a better quality of life, but we would be far from family. How many of you do it? Is it truly worth it? We are very close with family and my sons have cousins their age here. Just wondering what others think?
Thanks!

[spencersmommy]

I was wondering: We live by family (love it), but don't love the area (pricey, schools not great, crime). We have been thinking of moving away so I can be a SAHM and have more yardage and a better quality of life, but we would be far from family. How many of you do it? Is it truly worth it? We are very close with family and my sons have cousins their age here. Just wondering what others think?
Thanks!

[lilycat88]

We have a VERY small family...basically just 2 sets of grandparents and DHs cousin. The closest are my parents at 2 hours away and cousin is 4 hours and other grandparents are 7-8. It SUCKS! We would never consider moving to where either sets of grandparents are but it is really hard not having any family around to help with the occasional babysitting or whatnot. I have some cousins in Florida with young children but that' s it. DD won't grow up with any "young" family around.

Is there somewhere not "so far" away that would be a happy medium?

[lilycat88]

We have a VERY small family...basically just 2 sets of grandparents and DHs cousin. The closest are my parents at 2 hours away and cousin is 4 hours and other grandparents are 7-8. It SUCKS! We would never consider moving to where either sets of grandparents are but it is really hard not having any family around to help with the occasional babysitting or whatnot. I have some cousins in Florida with young children but that' s it. DD won't grow up with any "young" family around.

Is there somewhere not "so far" away that would be a happy medium?

[mudder17]

Nope, we live on opposite coasts from most of my family. It was post-doc school that brought us out here, then jobs that kept us out here. DH loves his job here (it is the perfect fit) and I don't think we could find anything comparable in CA, not to mention housing prices in CA totally outweighing what we have. Right now we're hoping that my older sis will move out here (or at least so we're on the same coast) for the housing, schools, etc. :)

I do wish we had family closer here, but we are very happy here and not likely to move away. We have a great church family and neighbors and jobs and schools. Kaya has quite a few adoptive grandparents out here. :)


Eileen

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[mudder17]

Nope, we live on opposite coasts from most of my family. It was post-doc school that brought us out here, then jobs that kept us out here. DH loves his job here (it is the perfect fit) and I don't think we could find anything comparable in CA, not to mention housing prices in CA totally outweighing what we have. Right now we're hoping that my older sis will move out here (or at least so we're on the same coast) for the housing, schools, etc. :)

I do wish we had family closer here, but we are very happy here and not likely to move away. We have a great church family and neighbors and jobs and schools. Kaya has quite a few adoptive grandparents out here. :)


Eileen

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[niccig]

My family is in Australia and the United Kingdom, DH's family is in Seattle, Colorado and Michigan. I'm here in CA because of DH and he's here because of his work. We are talking about moving. Maybe to family in Colorado, or somewhere else for my grad. school, but that's a few years away. We'll probably never move to Michigan - too cold for wimpy us. I don't see us moving to Australia, but we say we'll retire there.

We would like to see family more, but we can't. Cheap phone calls and web cam help a lot. I've also built up a network of mums with children the same age. None of us have family here, so we help each other out. Eg. I'm going to a night class and a friend has DS until DH can pick him up, and in return I have her son one afternoon a week.

I think it helps that I grew up living next door to my grandmother, a mean old lady, but only saw my other grandparents once a year, loved them. So I know it's quality not necessary quantity of time.

It would be easier in some ways if family were closer, babysitting yay!, but as they're not here, I don't have them interferring, and both sets of grandparents would do that. We deal as best as we can with the distance.

HTH
Nicci

Nicci

[niccig]

My family is in Australia and the United Kingdom, DH's family is in Seattle, Colorado and Michigan. I'm here in CA because of DH and he's here because of his work. We are talking about moving. Maybe to family in Colorado, or somewhere else for my grad. school, but that's a few years away. We'll probably never move to Michigan - too cold for wimpy us. I don't see us moving to Australia, but we say we'll retire there.

We would like to see family more, but we can't. Cheap phone calls and web cam help a lot. I've also built up a network of mums with children the same age. None of us have family here, so we help each other out. Eg. I'm going to a night class and a friend has DS until DH can pick him up, and in return I have her son one afternoon a week.

I think it helps that I grew up living next door to my grandmother, a mean old lady, but only saw my other grandparents once a year, loved them. So I know it's quality not necessary quantity of time.

It would be easier in some ways if family were closer, babysitting yay!, but as they're not here, I don't have them interferring, and both sets of grandparents would do that. We deal as best as we can with the distance.

HTH
Nicci

Nicci

[lizajane]

we live 3.5 hours from both sets of grandparents. (in different directions, though.) and my sister and BIL and my brother live in the same town as my parents. BIL and girlfriend live in chicago (we are in NC.)

for a long time, i liked living near enough but far enough, ykwim? but now that i have TWO kids... well, let's just say we are starting to actually RESENT our friends with families here. we NEVER get a break, free babysitting, a weekend away... my MIL just said that if she lived one hour away, she would just come every single wednesday so i could make appts, run errands, buy groceries, sew for my business...

a few years ago, i would have thought, "EVERY wednesday??" now i think, "WHOO HOOO EVVVVVVVVVERY WEDNESDAY!!!" well, that is what i WOULD think, as she does NOT live 1 hour away...

[lizajane]

we live 3.5 hours from both sets of grandparents. (in different directions, though.) and my sister and BIL and my brother live in the same town as my parents. BIL and girlfriend live in chicago (we are in NC.)

for a long time, i liked living near enough but far enough, ykwim? but now that i have TWO kids... well, let's just say we are starting to actually RESENT our friends with families here. we NEVER get a break, free babysitting, a weekend away... my MIL just said that if she lived one hour away, she would just come every single wednesday so i could make appts, run errands, buy groceries, sew for my business...

a few years ago, i would have thought, "EVERY wednesday??" now i think, "WHOO HOOO EVVVVVVVVVERY WEDNESDAY!!!" well, that is what i WOULD think, as she does NOT live 1 hour away...

[candybomiller]

We don't live by family, but will be moving in the next 6 months or so to be closer to family. We LOVE where we live now, but being closer to family has become a priority of ours.

[brittone2]

We relocated out of our "home state" where both sets of parents were. My parents have wanted to move south for a long time and I think only stuck around (this was in PA) because DS was born. So when we moved, we asked them if they'd like to check out the area etc. and they wanted to. They ended up relocating about 25 mins away from us, which is perfect and we really enjoy having them close.

My niece, ex SIL, and her husband (we have a good relationship w/ my ex SIL and her husband) ended up relocating here from Minnesota of all places. It was a weird sequence of events, but they needed to move and there was a perfect job opportunity in the same small town in which my parents live. They live about 45 mins away from us, and 30ish from my parents.

It is really nice to have SOME family nearby for us, as we get along great w/ my parents. I do miss my siblings and their families, but now when we visit, we can consolidate. We travel up north with my parents a few times a year for holidays etc. and if my brothers/their families are in town, they can visit my parents and us (and in my one brother's case, his daughter) all in one shot, so people are somewhat willing to travel to see us.

The ILs still live back in our homestate, and it is one of the major reasons I'd prefer to never move back ;) I'm happy w/ them at a distance, as is DH ;)

When DH is done graduate school I hope we'll be able to stay in this area, but there are no guarantees. We may end up on the opposite coast from my family, which would be difficult.

If housing prices/cost of living is substantially cheaper, consider what airfare would be to visit a few times a year. You might be able to afford a few visits a year, and still have a great quality of life and the opportunity to SAH.

[ellies mom]

Our parents and siblings live in the same area of CA about 600 miles from us. Our extended familys live either in the midwest (his) or the East Coast (mine). We met in CA but moved to the Northwest for work. We love it here and have no desire to move back to CA. At the same time, I really miss my family and wish DD had her cousins and grandparents close by. Her life seems a little lonely sometimes when her only family is her dad and I, especially for holidays and birthdays. We are trying to get everyone to move up here.

[aa2mama]

I've lived away from my family for five years. Once we had DS, I found that I was more homesick than ever. We ended up moving closer to our families, five hours drive, and it is a lot easier for me than being farther. At least now we can visit for a weekend without having to take time off work. I would move back to our hometown in a heartbeat, but DH doesn't feel ready to go back.

[Wife_and_mommy]

We live w/in a half hour of my parents. It's great when we can use them but it's not too often because my dad and my mom works fulltime still. DH doesn't like to drive down to where they are though I do utilize her for sitting occasionally.

DH's parents are far away. They'll be retiring soon and will spend some time near us but mostly will stay far away.


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[hez]

We're smack dab in the middle between our parents. 4 or so hours to my parents' house, 5 hours to DH's. Career-wise it made sense, and we're within weekend-visit distance for both, which was important to us.

I think it depends on the amount of time you foresee spending with your extended family and how much both sides would choose to travel to visit each other. I grew up with my closest grandparents 4+ hours away, so moving this far from my parents wasn't that big a stretch. If I'd grown up with them in the same city, it'd be a whole 'nother paradigm. Of course, my parents believe we (the ones with the dog and the toddler) should do all the driving to see them, so that's a difference of opinion we're still working through.

[spencersmommy]

Thanks for your replies. It is a hard decision. We live in CA with high prices. Our friends moved to Tennessee and love it! They say their neighbors became adopted family. We though they were crazy, but I visited them last weekend, and seeing what they have (larger home, big yard, great schools!), made me reconsider...possibily...hmmm, we'll still be debating for a while, but DH and I can do our jobs anywhere, so we'll see...
Thanks!!!

[spencersmommy]

I hope I didn't sound materialistic (bigger house, yard, etc.) in my last post. It's not about what we have, but since I have 2 active boys and a tiny yard now, I just want them to be able to play baseball with Daddy in backyard, KWIM? It's the quality of life I am looking for, not the big house and stuff. Sorry...

[tylersmama]

We moved out of our home state (Ohio) originally due to DH's job transfer. When his two year commitment was up, we decided to give Colorado a try, thinking it would be a short-term move and we would eventually settle back in Ohio when we were ready to buy a house and have kids. 5 years later, we're homeowners and parents, and still here. We totally fell in love with our new home state and all the great outdoor opportunities. It is difficult to be so far away from family sometimes, but we have built a great support system of friends here. At this point, we can't imagine moving back to Ohio, even though we miss our families.

[aa2mama]

I really didn't think that you sounded materialistic at all. And in your original post you mentioned the possibility of being a SAHM. You have valid factors for considering a move. As for wanting a backyard, I LOVE taking DS outside and letting him run around. Until this house we had always lived in apartments and it is so nice not to have to pack up and drive somewhere for him to play outside.

I would consider various factors such as how far you would have to travel, how often you would be able to do it, etc, weighed against the pros of moving.

[elliput]

Candy, can we swap? If I recall correctly, I am fairly close to your or your DH's family, and I know you are relatively close (for Montana at least) to mine. :-)

[crayonblue]

We are about 7 hours from one set of grandparents and 20+ from the other set. It's tough not having the support from family. We have zero family nearby so we are totally on our own. DH's family is in a tiny town in upstate NY and there are absolutely no jobs there for DH. Likewise, my mom is in a small town in TX.

We've (well, I have) kind of decided that I don't think I can handle as large a family as we would like (DH would love a HUGE family!) without close family support. So, for us, it may come down to choosing more children and living in small town American or staying in suburbia (which we love) and having maybe 3. Hard choices!

[Jacksonvol]

I am glad to hear your friends are happy to be in Tennessee. i can imagine that coming from CA, they have a lot more yard, house, etc. Also, with the exception of Memphis sitting near the New Madrid fault line, we rarely worry about earthquakes! And no forest fires! (O.K., we do get snow and ice (not much) and sure there are tornados, but still ...)

We live 12 hrs from my parents in FL and 20 hrs from DH's parents in MA. My bro is in OR, but I have some extended family nearby. I think people are generally friendly here and the schools are O.K. (look carefully on the state website at the report card.) Dh's parents will likely retire here because they like the area (and we have their only grandchild and I am currently as far north as I will ever go due to my aversion to cold weather.)

Also, no state income tax! If you live in or near Nashville, Southwest has decent fares back to the west coast as well.

Regardless of your decision, it is sometimes fun to think about a new place. I have to say, if we ever went anywhere it probably would be Portland, OR, north yet not so bitterly cold.

[starrynight]

No, dh is in the military.

I missed it at first, it was really hard to adjust. Sometimes now I like it. We do our own thing and are away from some of the drama. I do wish we had family nearby during the holidays or that we got to visit more often. Not sure I ever want to live very close by again though.

[tarynsmum]

I don't think you sounded materialistic at all! I totally understand th feeling of wanting more space for your kids to run around and play, especially as they get older. No need to apologize!

[MonicaH]

We are moving next week to the city in which my parents live. We are currently 4.5 hours away and will be 10 minutes away from them in our new house! We chose to do this because of my job. But the job offer seemed so good in part because it was close to my parents I guess.

DH and I both grew up with no extended family nearby so this is going to be culture shock for us. We will have to try to figure out what the boundaries are, because my mom could drop in at any time...day or night...but I think it's going to work out well for us.

Monica

[C99]

That's not a trade I'm sure I'd want to make. We do not live near my parents for the simple reason that they moved from where we are now (which is also where I grew up) to a state that I have no desire to live in. However, we do live near my in-laws, who moved here in 1988 and are still here. I would love to be closer to my family, but it's not going to happen unless they move up here. I think our life would be much more difficult if we did not have a familial or at least a close-friends-like-family network nearby.

We actually moved here from a much more expensive state in 2002, right before we had kids. We wanted to be able to afford a house on one salary and have the option of having one parent SAH, which we couldn't do in our previous state. We did not strongly consider areas of the country where we didn't have family because I felt that family was just as important as the COL and other things.

ETA: I know at least one formerly active BBBer moved from a high COL area w/ family nearby to a lower COL area w/o family nearby. You might want to PM Sarah (mamahill) and ask her about her experience.

[JBaxter]

Im about 40 miles from my parents and thats plenty close :). DH's parents are in CA ( we are in MD), I dont think I'd ever live in CA just do to the air quality near his parents.

[MelissaTC]

We moved to NC in 1998. The majority of our family is located in the tri-state area (NY-NJ-CT). My parents have decided to move near us and my sister will probably move with them. I am happy because it would be nice for my children to have their family near as that is how I grew up. DH and I would probably go out more since we wouldn't have to spend a fortune on a babysitter and DS would get the quality time he desires with my parents.

For us, it has definitely been a quality of life issue. I am a SAHM and feel lucky that I can do that. If we had stayed in NY, we wouldn't have been able to afford the lifestyle we have here in NC. I am grateful that my town is family friendly and that the area as a whole is mostly younger people and children.

[Moneypenny]

We do not live by our families because we want to retain our sanity, LOL! Seriously, we have great families but, gosh, the drama! We get totally left out, in a good way, of all the "Kathy said she was going to stop by on Sunday but she didn't and so Karen had dusted the living room for nothing. Can you imagine?!" kind of stuff.

Really, with email and digital cameras, we are able to keep up on what is going on. DH emails his sister every day and I email my mom almost every day. We have made very close friends here who do the things our families would do if they were close - watch DD on a moment's notice, watch our house if we go out of town, etc. The only drawback I've found to not being closer is if someone has a health issue. If we lived close I could get there right away and visit every day, but being far away changes that. Luckily, we are all pretty healthy so it hasn't been a big issue yet.

Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
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[shilo]

we live across town from my parents, and other than the outrageous COL (which i grew up with, so i'm used to - DH not so much), we love it here. my parents are very unobtrusive and almost always wait for us to come to them - in fact my parents almost have a complex about making sure they aren't crowding 'our space'. it has made our experience as first time parents even better because they have a great relationship with DS and we get some down time every week (they take DS for half the day on sunday's so that we can go out and cycle with a group of friends). DH's parents live in two different states, and it does get _really_ expensive to travel to see two sets of grandparents. this year, we paid for his dad/wife to join us on our vacation so they could spend time with DS (it would have cost us roughly the same for the three of us to travel to see them) and now we're going back to visit his mom/fam next month. they both live in areas without major airports and without discount airlines flying in/out, so just these two trips will wind up costing about $3500 for this year. if we flew into a major, it would be a 3 hour drive for one and a 4 hour drive for the other from the closest major airports, after we've flown across the country. it's probably a secondary concern, but i would look at what your local airport will be when you're looking at places to move to, and take cost of flights in/out into account. DH has his dream job and really couldn't do it anywhere else in the country, and wouldn't choose to move back to either of his parents home states anyway. i'm a homebody and can't imagine living anywhere else (i came back as soon as i could after college and grad school), so here's where we'll stay. we'll be moving one or two towns over (10 minutes) in the next year or two when we trade up to our 'forever home'.

lori
Sam 5/19/05 How lucky I am that you chose me.

[CharmedOne]

What a timely topic. I just posted about my mom's situation. My parents' are an hour away across county. DH's parents have both passed on, but he's close to his aunts and uncles. Most of them live within an hour's drive as well. DH and I are still renting. I wish we can afford to buy a home, but prices in SoCal are still ridiculous if we want a reasonable commute. We lived in the Bay Area for four years and never dreamed of having kids so far from family. It was no surprise we got pregnant so quickly with DS when we moved back down.

Caroline

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[tarynsmum]

Judging by your username (and the TN plug) do you live in Jackson (I lived there for 5 years and my mum still lives there). Just wondering

[atlcombs]

We are about 2 1/2 hours away from my parents and 5 hours away from DH's parents. My brother is about 3 hours away and the rest of my extended family is spread all over the states. I love being within driving distance to my family, but if I could convince DH to leave, I would live in the same state and town! I love where my parents live and I wish we could be closer! DH will more than likely never leave TN. Oh well. . . I am here because this is where I met DH and he lived.
~gina

[BaileyBea]

I have an Aunt that lives in a suburb about 20 mins away but we don't see one another too often. She doesn't have any kids either. I wish I had family that could help me right now. It's been incredibly lonely w/o any support.

I grew up w/a lot of family close by and let me tell you that was fun. Lots of cousins to play with, Grandparents, and Aunts & Uncles. I loved it and I miss it.

I say it's not worth it to be away from family.

[Jacksonvol]

Nope, the Jackson is in honor of my cat "Jackson." (Named after Andrew Jackson of course) I live a little north of Nashville. But I have several friends in Jackson and it is a welcome stop on the way to Memphis. The last time I was there we went to Madison's for dinner and it was great!

[aliceinwonderland]

No, and I hate it, but soon we will!

[tarynsmum]

ahh Madison's. Yes, it is very nice, although it's been a few years (We don't really like to go to Tennessee in general very often, as it is usually very hot and we are cold-weather people).

[candybomiller]

Just wondering if you were in Clarksville. I have family there.

[candybomiller]

Just wondering if you were in Clarksville. I have family there.

[maestramommy]

Yup, we live near my family, but Dh's family lives on the opposite coast. In a few years we may move in that direction. It depends on Dh's job.

[Jacksonvol]

Clarksville is in the next county over. The helicopters from the post fly over the house at night when the 101st is in town.

[candybomiller]

That's my brother in law! He's some sort of hot shot helicopter something or other. :)

[octmom]

My parents moved last year from the house where I grew up, about 8 hours north of where I live now, to their retirement home, about 9-10 hours south (driving with kids) of where I live. My brother is an hour away from me. My parents bought the land where they built their house at least 10 years ago, before I was really settled and married with kids. They like where they are living (resort-ish area), but I think my mom would love to be closer to my family and my brother. (My brother is getting married in the spring and I suspect/ hope more grandchildren will be on the way within a year or so since he and his fiancee are in their late 30s and want kids.)

My mom talks about maybe buying a small cabin somewhere not far from me and my brother, but I think it is just talk for now. I would *love* to have her closer. DS adores her and she adores both kids. They visit pretty frequently and we try to get down to their place once a year. The long trip is easier for them than it is for us, since they are retired and not traveling with small children.

MIL lives about 90 miles north of us and rarely visits. We try to get up there every few months. Both my SILs live in the same direction as MIL. One of them is about 30 minutes past MIL's place and the other is about an hour and a half further. They all get together frequently, but we are usually not included and that is FINE with me! Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. It's kind of funny that DS is much closer to my mom, who lives about 10 hours away, than to MIL, who lives less than 2 hours away.

I grew up living within a mile of my maternal grandparents. They were a HUGE part of my childhood every day and I really wish my kids had the same experience. But, we are happy where we live and would not move where my parents live, so unless my parents move, that will be a pipe dream. This may sound horrible, but if my father's bad lifestyle habits ever caught up with him and he died, I believe that my mom would move up here closer to us. My dad isn't as family-oriented and doesn't mind living far from his children and grandchildren. :(

Jerilyn
DS, Sean 10/03
DD, Katie 3/06

"Baby makes days shorter, nights longer, home happier, and love stronger."

[LaurelC]

Nope. We live in a Houston suburb, and our parents are all in New England. DH has one brother in Michigan and one who lives in Thailand!

We orginally moved out to CA in late 2002 for DH's job. After DD was born in May 2004, he was offered a job in Houston. Although we weren't thrilled about moving to Houston - mainly because of the weather - we did because it made it possible for me to be a SAHM - mainly because of the profit we made on our CA house and the lower cost of living here.

Sometimes it is hard being away from our families, but I live in a community that is full of people who have relocated for business. So there are lots of people here without family, which makes people a lot more likely to reach out to others! We have made lots of friends here and we like it a lot.

[KrisM]

We live near my family (about an hour). We're about 15 hours from DH's family. He came out here for a job. I really like being close to one of the families. I didn't have cousins close by growing up and I want that for my kids.

[pittsburghgirl]

We live about 5 minutes from DH's parents and sister. My parents are in Iowa, about 12 hours away. My brother is in CT and my half sibs and their families are in NY/CT/MA.

DH has cousins around this area, but the closest in age to DS are in Cleveland and we never see them.

We are building an extended family for DS here with our friends - several of DH's college roommates live nearby and we are very close with them, their youngest is DS's age.

The hardest thing is that my parents don't get to see DS that much. My mom has ALS so we are trying to visit as often as we can for the time that she has left (no predictions at this point). So DS and I go out to Iowa every 2 months or so. It is nice to have DH's family here for babysitting - although usually it's only for night-time. DS is a little too rambunctious for my IL's who are in their 70s to take much during the day.


Marilee
mommy to James
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