fattytuna
09-28-2006, 02:47 AM
This is the only forum I visit everyday for the past year or so because I have found the members of this community mature, supportive, considerate, warm-hearted and non-judgemental. It's not easy to spill my personal life to a group of people I have never met, but I feel that you ladies are truly willing to lend a helping hand when you can so maybe someone out there can give me some constructive advices in how to deal with my situation.
This past weekend my mom was looking through some of my dad's DVD collections for perhaps some new movies she hasn't seen before. She ended up finding two DVD's that contain some photos of my dad and some unknown woman when my dad was in China late last year and then again this May. They are non-obscene/non-explicit photos, some with just one of them posing, some with both of them and it looks like they were on some kind of group tour together in China. I know it's subjective, but my first impression on seeing these photos is that my dad and this other woman are not merely friends. We are Chinese immigrants, and I know this is stereotype but based on my parents' background, how they were raised, etc., even though nowhere do the photos suggest if there is any deeper physical relationship, just based on how this unknown woman had her arm around my dad's elbow, how her body leaned in towards him, and how closely they are standing when they posed in front of the camera, it does not look like she is just a friend who happens to be female. He has never mentioned to either my mom or me that he went on a tour, nor has he mentioned he has made new friends while he was in China.
My parents have been married for over 30 years. I am their only child. Needless to say this comes as a shocker for both my mom and I. My parents have had fights over the years, some of which have a deep history and happened when I was young but I was sheltered from them and I had no idea while growing up. They have had more verbal fights during recent years when my dad quit his job (he had a disagreement with his boss at work) and "retired" early, but none of which has ever involved infidelity. My mom stopped working three years ago when she was diagnosed with breast cancer (and luckily has been cancer-free so far). I rarely witness the actual fights, but have heard about them from either one of them (I moved away from home after college) over phone calls. I took it partly as a transition thing as older generation retires and starts spending every minute of every day together thus getting on each other's nerves, and partly as their nature because of their cultural background, in the sense that they are just one of those old married couples that pick fights over little things every day. It never crossed my mind that any of it would lead to extra marital affairs.
I think you can imagine how angry my mom is. Now thinking back, she is remembering some perculiar behaviors of my dad's, which I don't know if it's also because now she's reading into every little thing. In any case, her initial reaction is to go ask my dad to explain himself. She even mentioned divorce. After thinking it over for a day, she waited because she needed to gather her thought before blurting things out and it will just end up in a shouting match and nothing gets resolved. First of all she needed to figure out what she wants to do and exactly what she wants to ask him, and when I talked to her two days ago she said she thought it over, it's easy to tear apart a family that took years of hard work to build. So she is going to ask my dad what he wants to do. If he still cares about our family and if he is willing to go through counseling, she will give counseling a try. On top of that there's a timing issue, DH and I are taking DD to Shanghai so see my grandmother (my mom's mom) so she can meet DD for the first time. My grandmother is turning 99 at the end of Oct, and my mom is coming with us. We will be in China from mid Oct to end of Oct. So as of now my mom had not mentioned anything to my dad. But she thinks he is sensing something because just the past few days he will go everywhere with her, he's being extra sensitive to her needs, etc.
I have a lot of questions and here are some that pops into my head for now:
1) My mom prefers that I'm on the phone with them when she confronts my dad. My parents live in LA, I live in SF Bay Area. I told her I am more than willing to be there in person or on the phone, but I'm not sure if my presence will make things better or worse for them. My mom thinks it's both, on the one hand, because my dad has a bad temper and most of the time ends up shouting during fights (especially when he's not being logical, according to my mom), which means a lot of things might remain unresolved at the end, on the other hand, my dad already thinks my mom and I are closer (which is a separte issue) so off the bat he'll think we are "ganging up on him". My thinking is that it might be better for her to confront him in the presence of a counselor or mediator instead of me. If the counselor suggests my being present from the start and we all talk together, then that's what it will be. What do you think?
2) First of all, how can I help my mom look for marriage counselors or mediators or what is even the proper term for someone who will act as a mediator when one spouse wants to confront the other under a controlled environment?
3) Should my mom talk to a counselor by herself first about this issue and seek advice on what's the best way to confront my dad, or should she confront my dad first, then see if my dad even wants reconciliation or counseling? Or should she just mention to my dad she wants to work on their marriage for now and ask my dad to go to counseling with her and then they can choose who to go to together, so my dad doesn't think my mom had this all planned out to "trap" him or something. My dad can overthink a lot of times and be paranoid.
4) Should my mom confront my dad before or after our planned trip? On the one hand, I don't think it's good for my mom's health for keeping this in the dark for another month or so; on the other hand, my worry for initiating the topic before our trip would be if things get out of hand when they started talking, then my mom has to leave for the trip, won't it be worse? My mom also doesn't know if the other woman lives in the states or in China. So she is concerned about what is going to happen during her trip.
5) My mom said she will give my dad the benefit of the doubt and ask him to explain his relationship with this woman. If it's a misunderstanding, then they can both take the time to calmly talk it out. But at this point I'm really not sure if she (or I, for that matter) will believe him if he said the woman in the photos is just a friend. She's not sure what to do next if he does say the woman in the photo is just a friend.
6) If all goes south and my dad doesn't want to reconcile, what are some of the options that they can follow? Separation? Or does it go straight to divorce?
7) Does anyone know of any GOOD websites or discussion forums that I can go to for additional reading? I know a lot of these questions are probably very basic so if you could point me somewhere that has this kind of information I'd really appreciate it.
I fully realized I am already biased against my dad in terms of infidelity. But he is still my dad. While I'm not saying this to my mom because I don't know if she can see this right now, I am also aware that for their marriage to come down to something like this, it didn't take one day, both my parents had to contribute to this, and the other woman is not the underlying cause.
My appologies if any my questions sound ignorant as this is all new to me. And since I wrote this in a hurry at a pretty late hour, I'm sorry if I used any non-PC terms as I mean no disrespect or offense to anyone. And thank you in advance for reading this.
This past weekend my mom was looking through some of my dad's DVD collections for perhaps some new movies she hasn't seen before. She ended up finding two DVD's that contain some photos of my dad and some unknown woman when my dad was in China late last year and then again this May. They are non-obscene/non-explicit photos, some with just one of them posing, some with both of them and it looks like they were on some kind of group tour together in China. I know it's subjective, but my first impression on seeing these photos is that my dad and this other woman are not merely friends. We are Chinese immigrants, and I know this is stereotype but based on my parents' background, how they were raised, etc., even though nowhere do the photos suggest if there is any deeper physical relationship, just based on how this unknown woman had her arm around my dad's elbow, how her body leaned in towards him, and how closely they are standing when they posed in front of the camera, it does not look like she is just a friend who happens to be female. He has never mentioned to either my mom or me that he went on a tour, nor has he mentioned he has made new friends while he was in China.
My parents have been married for over 30 years. I am their only child. Needless to say this comes as a shocker for both my mom and I. My parents have had fights over the years, some of which have a deep history and happened when I was young but I was sheltered from them and I had no idea while growing up. They have had more verbal fights during recent years when my dad quit his job (he had a disagreement with his boss at work) and "retired" early, but none of which has ever involved infidelity. My mom stopped working three years ago when she was diagnosed with breast cancer (and luckily has been cancer-free so far). I rarely witness the actual fights, but have heard about them from either one of them (I moved away from home after college) over phone calls. I took it partly as a transition thing as older generation retires and starts spending every minute of every day together thus getting on each other's nerves, and partly as their nature because of their cultural background, in the sense that they are just one of those old married couples that pick fights over little things every day. It never crossed my mind that any of it would lead to extra marital affairs.
I think you can imagine how angry my mom is. Now thinking back, she is remembering some perculiar behaviors of my dad's, which I don't know if it's also because now she's reading into every little thing. In any case, her initial reaction is to go ask my dad to explain himself. She even mentioned divorce. After thinking it over for a day, she waited because she needed to gather her thought before blurting things out and it will just end up in a shouting match and nothing gets resolved. First of all she needed to figure out what she wants to do and exactly what she wants to ask him, and when I talked to her two days ago she said she thought it over, it's easy to tear apart a family that took years of hard work to build. So she is going to ask my dad what he wants to do. If he still cares about our family and if he is willing to go through counseling, she will give counseling a try. On top of that there's a timing issue, DH and I are taking DD to Shanghai so see my grandmother (my mom's mom) so she can meet DD for the first time. My grandmother is turning 99 at the end of Oct, and my mom is coming with us. We will be in China from mid Oct to end of Oct. So as of now my mom had not mentioned anything to my dad. But she thinks he is sensing something because just the past few days he will go everywhere with her, he's being extra sensitive to her needs, etc.
I have a lot of questions and here are some that pops into my head for now:
1) My mom prefers that I'm on the phone with them when she confronts my dad. My parents live in LA, I live in SF Bay Area. I told her I am more than willing to be there in person or on the phone, but I'm not sure if my presence will make things better or worse for them. My mom thinks it's both, on the one hand, because my dad has a bad temper and most of the time ends up shouting during fights (especially when he's not being logical, according to my mom), which means a lot of things might remain unresolved at the end, on the other hand, my dad already thinks my mom and I are closer (which is a separte issue) so off the bat he'll think we are "ganging up on him". My thinking is that it might be better for her to confront him in the presence of a counselor or mediator instead of me. If the counselor suggests my being present from the start and we all talk together, then that's what it will be. What do you think?
2) First of all, how can I help my mom look for marriage counselors or mediators or what is even the proper term for someone who will act as a mediator when one spouse wants to confront the other under a controlled environment?
3) Should my mom talk to a counselor by herself first about this issue and seek advice on what's the best way to confront my dad, or should she confront my dad first, then see if my dad even wants reconciliation or counseling? Or should she just mention to my dad she wants to work on their marriage for now and ask my dad to go to counseling with her and then they can choose who to go to together, so my dad doesn't think my mom had this all planned out to "trap" him or something. My dad can overthink a lot of times and be paranoid.
4) Should my mom confront my dad before or after our planned trip? On the one hand, I don't think it's good for my mom's health for keeping this in the dark for another month or so; on the other hand, my worry for initiating the topic before our trip would be if things get out of hand when they started talking, then my mom has to leave for the trip, won't it be worse? My mom also doesn't know if the other woman lives in the states or in China. So she is concerned about what is going to happen during her trip.
5) My mom said she will give my dad the benefit of the doubt and ask him to explain his relationship with this woman. If it's a misunderstanding, then they can both take the time to calmly talk it out. But at this point I'm really not sure if she (or I, for that matter) will believe him if he said the woman in the photos is just a friend. She's not sure what to do next if he does say the woman in the photo is just a friend.
6) If all goes south and my dad doesn't want to reconcile, what are some of the options that they can follow? Separation? Or does it go straight to divorce?
7) Does anyone know of any GOOD websites or discussion forums that I can go to for additional reading? I know a lot of these questions are probably very basic so if you could point me somewhere that has this kind of information I'd really appreciate it.
I fully realized I am already biased against my dad in terms of infidelity. But he is still my dad. While I'm not saying this to my mom because I don't know if she can see this right now, I am also aware that for their marriage to come down to something like this, it didn't take one day, both my parents had to contribute to this, and the other woman is not the underlying cause.
My appologies if any my questions sound ignorant as this is all new to me. And since I wrote this in a hurry at a pretty late hour, I'm sorry if I used any non-PC terms as I mean no disrespect or offense to anyone. And thank you in advance for reading this.