How do you handle different parenting styles with friends? (long)

[oliviasmomma]

I am interested about how other people handle similar situations, because I'm having a bit of trouble keeping my mouth closed! I have a good friend who lives right around the corner (okay, three miles away--but that is close around here) and we have girls who are about one month apart. I am a transplant to the country and don't know a ton of people--she and I used to work together and we get along very well. She is one of the funniest people I've ever met, and we laugh so hard sometimes my sides ache--ao she is a great person. However, we parent sooooo differently and it is starting to get in the middle of our friendship. Before I explain more, let me say that her style is very similar to most of the other moms I've met around here, so really, I'm the weird one.

She is a yeller. For example, the other day her DD wanted the cup of goldfish she was holding and she just yelled at her, "Leave it alone, NO," that sort of thing. To me, it was not only something that didn't warrant yelling, I didn't even think it was a big deal--KWIM? It was so uncomfortable because DD (mine) started to cry a bit and I didn't really know what to do except to distract her. My friend's basic philosphy is that her DD is bad, has bad tendencies, etc and she has to STOP her NOW. It is so hard for me to be around becasue that is the complete opposite of how I view things.

Another problem has to do with sharing. Now, I think it is a good idea to introduce the concept, but I also realize they are too young to get it. What I generally do when one child grabs a toy from the other is wait to see the reaction. If the grabbee startes to cry or protest, then I intervene a bit, but if there isn't any reaction, I figure they worked out themselves. Well, her DD took one of the drumsticks from my DD, but my DD was totally okay with it. My friend basically wrestled her DD for the drumstick as she howled and screamed--of course my DD had already moved on, so by the time the struggle was over all that had happened was stress. The entire time, I was saying, that it was okay, Olivia didn't care, etc, and she responded "DD has to learn, she is so rude."

I could go on and on--their diets are so different and she just attributes it to the fact that her DD is stubborn, even though it is more about the fact that she doesn't offer her much more than pop, hot dogs and doritos. You get the idea. What would you do? She isn't that unsual as far as the other moms around here, so again, I'm mostly trying to vent and ask you guys how to handle this from my end--I know I can't fix her. I've tried talking about developmental stages, and while she chimes in and gets it at the time, as soon as her DD does something she doesn't like, she's back to the same thing. I also don't think it is a good idea to critize someone else's parenting--I mean, hey, I've had bad days too. There are always things I could do better, I've raised my voice, I've had lazy no-cook days, I'm not trying to say we need to parent the same. Her behavior is to the point that I'm not sure how much I want DD around it, though.

Sorry so long, I needed to vent a bit too...

[lisams]

That's tough. If it doesn't bother DD then I usually just ignore it. If it gets to the point that neither one of us enjoys being with them, we kind of stay away from playdates and do more mom's night out things so I can still see the friend.

There is a friend I have that lets her DD get away with way too much, and that often ends in DD being hurt either emotionally or physically and that's where I draw the line. I've stopped getting together with her for playdates but make it a point to try and schedule some nights out with her when the kiddos aren't around.

Good luck!

[C99]

I generally let it go. It may not be my style, but that's OK, because I'm not the parent of that child. If it bothered me to the point that I didn't want to be around her and her child at the same time, I would just back off from playdates, etc. There isn't anything you can do to change her mind about things, and criticizing her behavior is just going to exacerbate things between you.

[punkrockmama]

Yep, unless she's abusing her child in some way there's nothing you can really do about it. Look, I have strong opinions and sometimes I just have to keep my mouth shut. If you say something, she'll probably just get mad and not listen. I personally would not feel comfortable around her and don't agree with the things she's doing. So I would simply stop having playdates with her. If you guys have such a good time together, maybe just focus on doing mom's night out stuff w/o the kids.

It's a tough situation. You feel bad for the kiddo and want to help but again unless she's really doing harm it's just not your place. No matter how right you are (and I think you are right).

Go ahead and vent here, I totally get it. It would hurt my heart to see that. No little one is "rude".

[oliviasmomma]

"There is a friend I have that lets her DD get away with way too much, and that often ends in DD being hurt either emotionally or physically and that's where I draw the line."

That is part of it too--even though she has strong reaction to things I think are just normal things, she is very permissive in other areas and DD has a hard time with the fact that her friend can do things we don't allow. (mostly safety things like no standing on the furniture or no using the ride-on horse as a stepstool.)

Isn't it hard to have to change your friendships? We were pregnant together and talked about how much fun our babies would have together, sigh. You're right, though, we'll have to spend more time out without the kiddos.

[oliviasmomma]

Oh yeah, that's exactly why I don't want to say anything directly--I wouldn't want parenting advice from outsiders either--unless I ask.

[oliviasmomma]

That's part of what has me so torn up--I can't imagine having that attitude about my daughter. It makes me sad because she is really missing out on the fun stuff, you know? How awful to think your child is just "bad", yikes.

PS love your avatar! Animal scared me when I was really little, but we made up quickly, lol.

[boogiemom]

One of my close friends and I have this very problem. Basically, I've just had to learn to keep my mouth shut. (I know I was surprised I could do it too!) Our parenting decisions are very different. Not so much with the yelling but definitely with acceptable behavior, diet, etc. I let it go mostly because my DS genuinely enjoyed her DD's company and they had fun together. I still maintained my rules, which was difficult because her DD is definitely allowed to do things my DS isn't allowed to do. It was hard but now he knows that "different mommies have different rules". My DS has definitely learned that every family has different rules and that's okay. We only worry about our rules and we let other kids' mommies worry about their rules. It's hard, I know.



Good Luck!

[tiapam]

You might get the opportunity to say something if she asks why you don't want to get together with kids. I would have something prepared in that case, because you don't want her to think it's because you agree about her DD being bad!

-Pam

DD - Almost two!

[mamalou]

I think it's terrific you have a friend who you can laugh with and who has a child the same age as yours. I would just hold on tight for right now. It is hard for some moms to make the adjustment from cute, fun baby/toddler to terrific two/three behavior. At least it was for me.

I even think you should continue to get the girls together regularly... they will be good friends in a few years having had these years together even though it doesn't seem like it right now.

I also think the fact that this woman is trying to correct her daughter (albeit not in the best manner) is a good thing. I would much rather have that than the mom who doesn't notice or address her daughter's behavior at all. I think it shows she does care. Perhaps your style will rub off on her.

I have one friend who used to yell a lot. But when she saw that I call my kid over to me and whisper behavioral expectations, she started doing the same thing. My sister used to yell a lot too. One day when we were at her house and she was yelling at one of her kids, my then 4-year old DS said very politely, "You are hurting my ears." I think it had an effect on her.

Hang in there.

[punkrockmama]

>
>PS love your avatar! Animal scared me when I was really
>little, but we made up quickly, lol.

Thanks. Really? I have ALWAYS loved Animal. The whole band was soo cool. Like Janis, remember her? " Like, fuur suuure Dr. Bob." haha. How can you not love the muppets. :) I remember watching the movies on cable every now and then when I was a kid.