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Raidra
09-28-2006, 03:01 PM
I trust you guys when it comes to manners, so hopefully you all can tell me what to do.

Colwyn's birthday is coming up, and I'm a bit confused when it comes to the guest list. We have a big playgroup of people we see a few times a month (not everyone makes it every week, so I generally see our regulars twice a month or so). There are two moms that I see more often and occasionally talk to outside of playgroup, so I'll definitely be inviting them and their kids. But what about the other moms? We've never been invited to any of their kids' birthdays, but obviously I don't know for sure that they've had birthday parties where kids from playgroup were invited. But I feel bad for Colwyn only having two kids at his birthday party, y'know?

The other dilemma is about one of our neighbors. She has two kids who are very close in age to my boys. We only see each other when we both happen to be outside, which maybe happens twice a month. I've invited her to both of Colwyn's parties and Lachlann's party, they only made it to Colwyn's second birthday party. They've never invited us to a party for their kids, but I sort of recall her saying something about not having parties for her kids because they usually happen to be away. So, do I invite them? They always drop off a present if they can't come, and I feel awkward about sending them an invitation and it looking like I'm asking for a gift (since we don't really see each other a lot). If we don't invite them, they'll almost definitely notice something going on, as they just live two houses down. What do I do?

I'm starting to feel like a total social outcast.. I talk to several moms in our playgroup and around the block, but never get invited to anything that's not open to all the members of our playgroup (which is huge, so usually playdates at people's houses and stuff aren't done as general invites). I worry that I'm not working hard enough to make sure my boys have friends. :(

BaileyBea
09-28-2006, 11:02 PM
Personally I am still trying to make friends w/more Moms etc.. so I would invite them all but put no gifts on the invite so no one feels obligated. Just make it seem like a fun party to let the kids play and celebrate Colwyn's birthday and have some cake.

I put.. "No gifts please, just come ready to play" on DS invite. I did this because like you I was only inviting neighbors and playgroup people whom didn't know that well. This was the easiest thing to do. Don't worry about not getting invited to stuff they probably just need to get to know you better. And at this young age most people just have family parties.

If you want to get to know them and have the boys make friends you have to start somewhere.

Raidra
09-29-2006, 07:22 AM
Thanks for the response.. I was starting to get paranoid about not having any replies to my post about not having any friends. ;)

I've thought about doing the No Gifts thing.. we did that last year, sort of (we had each kid bring a book, and did a book swap, so each kid got a book in addition to the regular favors). I know this probably sounds horrible, but money is super tight for us now, and I worry about Colwyn not getting many presents for his birthday and Xmas (I'm trying to get past this mentality, but it's hard, I was raised that birthdays and holidays required LOTS of presents to be good). My other concern is.. how crappy am I going to feel if we put No Gifts please, invite everyone, and nobody comes? I know there's nothing I can do about that, but I still worry about it.

I talked to my husband about it last night, and he thought I was crazy for worrying so much.

SnuggleBuggles
09-29-2006, 09:41 AM
I guess I am of the school of thought that I would rather just have a handful of really good friends than a whole bunch of people I am friendly with so I never really go too big with things.

I've been trying to follow the advice of inviting one child for every year old the child is. So, a 3 year old would have three guests. This way every one gets to play together, it is more calm and less chaotic...

Ultimately I would let your child lead on this. If they love big groups and thrive in them then invite everyone. If they seem to prefer a more intimate setting then that is the way you should go since it is their birthday party.

If you want to have a big party sometime to get everyone together and broaden your social group then that's a great idea. You just don't have to do it for your ds' birthday.

I have been to all kinds of parties now and it really seems that the small parties work well for most kids. We were just at a massive party for his friend's 4th birthday and my son hated it because he didn't get to play with the b-day boy at all. The b-day boy wasn't really playing with anyone, he just ran around and played (this was at an indoor play center with lots of toys). It was kind of a bummer. This same boy's party the year before was just 4 kids total including the b-day boy and it just seemed to work so much better.

I worried about hurting feelings at preschool by not inviting everyone who invited ds to their party. Not a big problem for us since we mailnly invited people not from school and the 1 we did invite from school we invited privately. But, I decided it had been their choice to go big. If anyone had asked I could just cite the 4 kids for a 4 year old strategy (lots of party books and parenting magazines suggest this).

Things will fall into place for your social circle and your childs. You sound just fine to me. :)

Beth

sdbc
09-30-2006, 07:49 AM
I actually wouldn't put "no gifts" on the card. Honestly, some people enjoy bringing gifts, and they should do what they want. Also, and I'm guilty of this... we were invited to a party of a good friend, and they said "no gifts". We had bought this child a gift before we got the invitation since we knew her b-day was coming up, and we got her a gift a month of two before because we knew it was something she would love (some gardening supplies from a montessori catalog). I'd say about a third of the people got her a gift anyway. I felt guilty for bringing a gift, and those who didn't, felt guilty for not. Oh, and they also requested everyone bring a gift for a grab bag. Good idea in theory, but I was bummed that a kid I didn't even know got a gift that I painstakingly selected.

I wouldn't say anything at all about gifts and wouldn't have expectations either way.

In terms of invites: I would invite the two friends and at the playgroup preceding the party, invite whoever is there. That would cut out most of the non-regulars. Definitely invite the neighbor's kids. It's mean not to.

Sue