Etiquette question about adoption/foster parenting

[trumansmom]

There is a boy Truman knows from daycare who also attends our church as well as goes to the same Tae Kwon Do place. He's a couple of years older, so they aren't in the same classes, but we run into him and his family frequently. Someone once mentioned to me that he and his sister were adopted.

On Sunday, I ran into his mother with an infant in a carrier. She is not a friendly woman at all, but because we run into each other so often we at least say hi. I asked about her beautiful baby girl and found out that she's 5 months old. I also saw her with two other little boys around 4 or 5 years old who I have never seen before.

So, here's my question - would it be rude to ask if they were foster kids or adopted? I'm interested because my mother was a foster parent and adopted my two younger brothers. I'm intrigued and awed by people who are willing to open their homes to older children.

Is it okay to ask? Or should I just shut up and mind my own business? I don't want to offend her.

TIA-

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[trumansmom]

There is a boy Truman knows from daycare who also attends our church as well as goes to the same Tae Kwon Do place. He's a couple of years older, so they aren't in the same classes, but we run into him and his family frequently. Someone once mentioned to me that he and his sister were adopted.

On Sunday, I ran into his mother with an infant in a carrier. She is not a friendly woman at all, but because we run into each other so often we at least say hi. I asked about her beautiful baby girl and found out that she's 5 months old. I also saw her with two other little boys around 4 or 5 years old who I have never seen before.

So, here's my question - would it be rude to ask if they were foster kids or adopted? I'm interested because my mother was a foster parent and adopted my two younger brothers. I'm intrigued and awed by people who are willing to open their homes to older children.

Is it okay to ask? Or should I just shut up and mind my own business? I don't want to offend her.

TIA-

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[Fairy]

Hi Jeanne!

Ya know, if she's unfriendly, that's its own animal on any conversation subject, so that's something to consider . . .

. . . As for the concept of ettiquette on this, my neighbor is a foster parent and has several kids that are biological and adopted. She has absolutely no qualms about being asked about it. In fact, she LOVES to talk about it cuz she's a big proponent of fostering and adoption and will talk it up as much as possible in the hopes that you'll consider it, too. On the other hand, this chick is really hard to offend and super-hyper-friendly. So, take that for what it's worth.

If it were me, and I were really curious, I'd just ask, and if she takes it bad, oh well. Might wanna say, "Ya know, I don't think I knew you had other kids" and/or "congratulations on your new baby!" See what that brings.

[Fairy]

Hi Jeanne!

Ya know, if she's unfriendly, that's its own animal on any conversation subject, so that's something to consider . . .

. . . As for the concept of ettiquette on this, my neighbor is a foster parent and has several kids that are biological and adopted. She has absolutely no qualms about being asked about it. In fact, she LOVES to talk about it cuz she's a big proponent of fostering and adoption and will talk it up as much as possible in the hopes that you'll consider it, too. On the other hand, this chick is really hard to offend and super-hyper-friendly. So, take that for what it's worth.

If it were me, and I were really curious, I'd just ask, and if she takes it bad, oh well. Might wanna say, "Ya know, I don't think I knew you had other kids" and/or "congratulations on your new baby!" See what that brings.

[JustMe]

This is discussed a lot on my adoption boards. Many adoptive parents want to bond with other adoptive parents, or sometimes even suspect that a child is adopted from the same country as theirs.. From what I and others I know have experienced many do take offense to those type of questions. In the first case, if you are wrong some bio parents feel threatened in some way by this question. Some adoptive parents also feel it is none of others' business and that it is their child's story, etc (I personally don;t feel that way, but many do).

One thing that has been suggested and has worked well, is to volunteer the part about you that makes you interested. For me, tis would mean, just voluntereing that dd was adopted from Guatemala. It is a little more tricky in your case because your info would not be about anyone you have with you. You would want to end up saying something like "my mother was a foster parent and my 2 younger brothers were adopted" and see if you get any response without asking directly, but I dont know what your lead it could be. Perhaps you could comment on the age difference of the person's kids and compare it to that of you and your siblings (oh, I had the same difference btwn my brother and I, my mother adopted him when I was X years old).

To sum up, many people do find those questions inappropriate, especially when asked in front of the kids. I personally dont feel that way, but I do think the suggestion of supplying your own relevant info first cant hurt.

Robyn
single mommy to a 3yr old from Guatemala.

[JustMe]

This is discussed a lot on my adoption boards. Many adoptive parents want to bond with other adoptive parents, or sometimes even suspect that a child is adopted from the same country as theirs.. From what I and others I know have experienced many do take offense to those type of questions. In the first case, if you are wrong some bio parents feel threatened in some way by this question. Some adoptive parents also feel it is none of others' business and that it is their child's story, etc (I personally don;t feel that way, but many do).

One thing that has been suggested and has worked well, is to volunteer the part about you that makes you interested. For me, tis would mean, just voluntereing that dd was adopted from Guatemala. It is a little more tricky in your case because your info would not be about anyone you have with you. You would want to end up saying something like "my mother was a foster parent and my 2 younger brothers were adopted" and see if you get any response without asking directly, but I dont know what your lead it could be. Perhaps you could comment on the age difference of the person's kids and compare it to that of you and your siblings (oh, I had the same difference btwn my brother and I, my mother adopted him when I was X years old).

To sum up, many people do find those questions inappropriate, especially when asked in front of the kids. I personally dont feel that way, but I do think the suggestion of supplying your own relevant info first cant hurt.

Robyn
single mommy to a 3yr old from Guatemala.

[cmdunn1972]

Jeanne, just like with anything, every parent is different and handles questions from acquaintances in different ways. I'm a gregarious person, so I might not mind talking about it if it's phrased from a (more or less) BTDT perspective. Since she's not a very friendly sort of person, however, she might feel differently.

I would first talk about your Mom's experience, and ask her if she adopted her children. I would also be careful to use positive adoption language.

Sorry if you know all of this already, but I figured I'd bring it up here for the benefit of others who may be reading this but not know the information. "Adopted" is a verb, not an adjective. The difference seems minor, but using "adopted" as an adjective implies that the adoption process is a large part of the child's identity when it's really just a small part of who the child is. There are other examples. I cringe when someone asks me (and they have) if I want any children "of my own" after I adopted DS. (Thank you, but DS *is* my own child.) I also try not to let people put me on a pedestal because I adopted DS. DH and I decided to adopt for the same reason that people try to conceive, because we wanted to start a family. We're not saints, just parents.

*Stepping off soapbox*

Anyway, Jeanne, bottom line is that her reaction might be more private if she seems to be that way with most things. However, it's perfectly fine to structure the question around the common ground that you were told you share. ("My Mom adopted my two younger brothers that she foster parented for a while. I was told that you also adopted your two children. Was I told right?")

HTH!

[cmdunn1972]

Jeanne, just like with anything, every parent is different and handles questions from acquaintances in different ways. I'm a gregarious person, so I might not mind talking about it if it's phrased from a (more or less) BTDT perspective. Since she's not a very friendly sort of person, however, she might feel differently.

I would first talk about your Mom's experience, and ask her if she adopted her children. I would also be careful to use positive adoption language.

Sorry if you know all of this already, but I figured I'd bring it up here for the benefit of others who may be reading this but not know the information. "Adopted" is a verb, not an adjective. The difference seems minor, but using "adopted" as an adjective implies that the adoption process is a large part of the child's identity when it's really just a small part of who the child is. There are other examples. I cringe when someone asks me (and they have) if I want any children "of my own" after I adopted DS. (Thank you, but DS *is* my own child.) I also try not to let people put me on a pedestal because I adopted DS. DH and I decided to adopt for the same reason that people try to conceive, because we wanted to start a family. We're not saints, just parents.

*Stepping off soapbox*

Anyway, Jeanne, bottom line is that her reaction might be more private if she seems to be that way with most things. However, it's perfectly fine to structure the question around the common ground that you were told you share. ("My Mom adopted my two younger brothers that she foster parented for a while. I was told that you also adopted your two children. Was I told right?")

HTH!

[holliam]

Yea, I try to put the emphasis on the family--we formed our family through adoption, rather than DD is our adopted daughter (yikes, that was even yucky to type.. ).

Inevitably, I am asked the question, "Where is she from" To which I always respond, "She was born in Guatemala." That's really what they are asking; they just don't know it. Because right now she is from our town in NC. ;)

Holli

[holliam]

Yea, I try to put the emphasis on the family--we formed our family through adoption, rather than DD is our adopted daughter (yikes, that was even yucky to type.. ).

Inevitably, I am asked the question, "Where is she from" To which I always respond, "She was born in Guatemala." That's really what they are asking; they just don't know it. Because right now she is from our town in NC. ;)

Holli

[janeybwild]

Jeanne, I think if you want to know more about her family then you would need to get to know her better, or at least extend the branch of friendship with an offer to help with a "new little one" around. That's just me. Doesn't sound like you know her well enough to know her style or what she would appreciate beyond that. Good luck with your future interactions with her.

[janeybwild]

Jeanne, I think if you want to know more about her family then you would need to get to know her better, or at least extend the branch of friendship with an offer to help with a "new little one" around. That's just me. Doesn't sound like you know her well enough to know her style or what she would appreciate beyond that. Good luck with your future interactions with her.

[Gena]

>Sorry if you know all of this already, but I figured I'd bring
>it up here for the benefit of others who may be reading this
>but not know the information. "Adopted" is a verb, not an
>adjective. The difference seems minor, but using "adopted" as
>an adjective implies that the adoption process is a large part
>of the child's identity when it's really just a small part of
>who the child is.

I respect and understand what you are saying, but as an adult adoptee I have a different point of view. Adoption IS a large part of my identity. Adoption is part of my personal history and a part of my family's history. I have a wonderful, supportive, warm adoptive family who have given my a great heritage that I am proud of. But I also have a heritage from my birth family and I am just learning about and that I am also proud of. I plan to pass this dual heritage on to my son. My adoption is part of his family history too.

Just a thought from an adopted child all grown up.

[Gena]

>Sorry if you know all of this already, but I figured I'd bring
>it up here for the benefit of others who may be reading this
>but not know the information. "Adopted" is a verb, not an
>adjective. The difference seems minor, but using "adopted" as
>an adjective implies that the adoption process is a large part
>of the child's identity when it's really just a small part of
>who the child is.

I respect and understand what you are saying, but as an adult adoptee I have a different point of view. Adoption IS a large part of my identity. Adoption is part of my personal history and a part of my family's history. I have a wonderful, supportive, warm adoptive family who have given my a great heritage that I am proud of. But I also have a heritage from my birth family and I am just learning about and that I am also proud of. I plan to pass this dual heritage on to my son. My adoption is part of his family history too.

Just a thought from an adopted child all grown up.

[cmdunn1972]

Gena, thanks for your response. I *had* thought about phrasing that differently to allow for those adoptees who feel the way you do. However, I changed it for clarity's sake. (The sentence was getting pretty long and onerous to read.)

It is a large part of who you are, but it's not the only part. I'm sure there are many other things that make you unique that have very little if anything to do with adoption.

[cmdunn1972]

Gena, thanks for your response. I *had* thought about phrasing that differently to allow for those adoptees who feel the way you do. However, I changed it for clarity's sake. (The sentence was getting pretty long and onerous to read.)

It is a large part of who you are, but it's not the only part. I'm sure there are many other things that make you unique that have very little if anything to do with adoption.

[trumansmom]

Wow. I just feel liked I learned a ton from everyone's responses! Thanks so much for the valuable information.

And Janey - I think you're right. Until I know her better, I should just keep my mouth shut. By then I should have a better idea of what is and isn't okay.

Thanks again, everyone.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[trumansmom]

Wow. I just feel liked I learned a ton from everyone's responses! Thanks so much for the valuable information.

And Janey - I think you're right. Until I know her better, I should just keep my mouth shut. By then I should have a better idea of what is and isn't okay.

Thanks again, everyone.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[newmomto3kids]

As both an adopted person and an adopting parent, I have no problem at all when people ask about adoption. I am glad to share what I know or feel. It never bothered me when I was a kid and my parents talked about adopting me. In fact, I used to be a little annoyed when no one spoke up to say I was adopted when people would say I looked like my mom or my sister. It just felt dishonest.
I think your idea about telling her that you did not know she had a little one would have been fine.
I kind of feel like the more we are hush-hush about adoption, the more people think that it *is* something to hide or be ashamed of. Families are made in all sorts of ways and I just thank God that I have the ability to have one at all. Like Lily said "It doesn't matter what color you are or whose belly you came out of because if you are a family, you are a family!"

[newmomto3kids]

As both an adopted person and an adopting parent, I have no problem at all when people ask about adoption. I am glad to share what I know or feel. It never bothered me when I was a kid and my parents talked about adopting me. In fact, I used to be a little annoyed when no one spoke up to say I was adopted when people would say I looked like my mom or my sister. It just felt dishonest.
I think your idea about telling her that you did not know she had a little one would have been fine.
I kind of feel like the more we are hush-hush about adoption, the more people think that it *is* something to hide or be ashamed of. Families are made in all sorts of ways and I just thank God that I have the ability to have one at all. Like Lily said "It doesn't matter what color you are or whose belly you came out of because if you are a family, you are a family!"