Would you take a two and four year old to a Bar Mitzvah?

[Marisa6826]

Jonathan's nephew is being Bar Mitzvah'd in December. Unlike the last Bar Mitzvah (the brother of the one being Mitzvah'd) we went to, this ceremony will be held in a Synagogue. It is my understanding that it will be part of the regular Saturday service. I've not ever been to a true Bar Mitzvah (nor a Saturday service) - only Reform versions not held in any sort of sacred space. FTR, Jonathan's Jewish (non-practicing) and I'm not. I don't think he's even been in a Synagogue since his own Bar Mitzvah almost 30 years ago.

When we went to the last family Bar Mitzvah, it was several hours long, with a couple dozen different children. If I recall correctly, Jonathan's nephew is the only one this time around.

My feeling is that it's not a place to have to try and keep Sophie and Amelia quiet. I'd rather bring them to just the party afterward. Well, not really, since it's being held in (of all places) a Maserati dealership - but that's a whole other issue. I can't imagine two little girls being welcomed by a bunch of 13 year old boys running around.

Could anybody lend some insight here? It's going to be a strained event to begin with, since the parents of the child this is all in honor of are recently divorced, and both sides of the family will be there. To make it even more complicated, it's the day before Mia's second birthday. I really didn't want to spend her birthday with my ILs. *sigh*

Thanks for any suggestions.

-m

[momma_boo]

I think I've been to two bar/bat-mitzvah's where I took a child or two. The first was when DD was about 8 mos old. We brought her to the synagogue for the service but DH did end up leaving and spending some time w/ her in a meeting room chatting up with some distant cousin when DD got a little restless. We brought her with us that night to the party and let her crawl around with some toys on the floor behind our table (which was against a wall) and she ended up falling asleep in the stroller despite the really loud music.

I took both of the girls to my boss's daughter's bat-mitzvah. I think the younger one was just over 2 mos old and my older DD was just over 2 yrs old. We brought them both to the service and it was ok (took older DD out like 3 times to go the bathroom and then once to nurse the baby). My 2 yo did have fun at the party afterwards - at one point, she was on the platform with the older girls, dancing.

I did bring a bag of tricks to try to keep Sarah quiet during the synagogue service - stickers, small toys, crayons/notebook. But I think I did have to take her out at one point just so she could wander around the temple a little bit.

Granted, I don't know your family dynamics, but I'd definitely bring them. If they start to get restless during the service, you can always take them out (similar as one would do during a wedding, you know?) They might have fun at the party (maserati dealership, huh? - that's a new one!) and you can always leave early once it gets close to bedtime by claiming they are getting tired. Based on my experiences with the parties that have been thrown by DH's cousins, they are fun - they usually have a lot of stuff geared for kids - activities, gift bag stuff, kid-friendly food. DD always loves all the junk that DJ's give away.

Do you have to travel out of town for this? I'm not Jewish either, but I know it's a big deal and it may strain relations if you guys don't go, since it's J's nephew.

Next year, my girls will be 2 and 4 and we do have a bat-mitzvah for a cousin around Memorial Day - I'm actually looking forward to it just b/c they are a pair of party girls who love to dance!

[Jenn98]

I was raised Catholic, so I can't help you with any of the Jewish religious stuff, but it sounds to me like you want me to say, "No, I would not take them. Send a gift and stay home!!" ;) Or better yet, send your DH with a gift and still stay home!

[megs4413]

(i'm not jewish) i've been to a traditional service before and I dont' think it woudl quite be appropriate for a child. could your kid sit through anything where you need to be mostly still and mostly silent for at least 15 minutes at a time? mine couldn't!!!! leave em home if you can.....and L'Chaim to your Dh's nephew on his Bar Mitzvah! it's a very joyous celebration!

[Dcclerk]

Not Jewish, either. But all of the bar/bat mitzvahs I have been to have been in a synagogue. ***I*** had a hard time sitting through the ceremonies quietly when I was 13, so I wouldn't imagine that my little ones could do it. That being said, I think that they would thoroughly enjoy the party after. If your relations with the family are decent, I would just ask them their preference. Bar Mitzvahs are such big deals, and it is hard to know whether it would be more important that the little ones show up and just have to hang out in a meeting room or courtyard while jealous, or just show up at the party and not risk interrupting.

[sdbc]

Think of it the same as a wedding. If you would take them to a wedding they were invited to, then take them to the Bar Mitzvah. The only thing I really don't get about your email is why you are calling the child your husband's nephew. Doesn't that make him you're nephew, too? I'm just thinking the wording implies that you aren't on good terms with your in-laws. Shunning such a big occasion might further the rift if there is one. Sorry if I misinterpreted.

Sue, mommy to Aurora (Rory) born 5/13/04

[deenass]

Our nephew will be Bar Mitzvah'd in 2008, I will be bringing my then 5 year old and one year old to both the service (3+ hours) and the party. Granted, I won't expect to spend that whole time at the ceremony (likely a lot of it will be outside the sanctuary where the kids will be running around) but we will all be there. Bar Mitzvah's are VERY important and this is your DH's brother's child.

If you really don't want to have to deal with your kids at the ceremony, then send DH and meet him at the reception (with the kids). Presumably there will be music and food and the kids will have fun.

I can't imagine not going to my nephew's Bar Mitzvah (DH's sister's son) and we will have to fly and stay in a hotel taht weekend.

[dules]

It's like a family wedding, sweetie. You have to go. Sorry. :) I'd take the girls, and sit near the back, on an end, and be ready to take them out if need be. Jonathan can stay while you take them to a quiet room or out on the steps for a few minutes.

The reception locale sounds, uh, interesting.

Good luck deciding!

Mary

[lmintzer]

I have boys (active ones at that), and there's no way I'd do this. We were lucky to make it through a 1 hour family Rosh Hashana service (and that was with Cheerios, crayons, a Magna Doodle, books, and more). The only reason we even tried it was that it was a loud environment. A Bar Mitzvah is very quiet. There cannot be any disruption. Maybe your girls are different, and more power to you if they are, but I wouldn't think this would be an appropriate place for them.

One of you can go (maybe) or if that's not feasible, just stop by the party. THAT should be good and loud (with a band or a DJ and a bunch of cavorting 13 year-olds). No one would be bothered by toddlers there.

Just my 2 cents, and I've been to a ton of Bar and Bat Mitzvahs.

[JASC]

Listen to Lisa! There's no way my child could sit quietly for that long.

[Marisa6826]

Hey Esther!! How are you?!

Yes, unfortunately, we need to go down to DC for this event. It will be at *least* an overnighter. My ILs, I think, are expecting us to spend two nights, though.

Whether that happens is still up in the air.

-m

[Marisa6826]

Hey Sue-

I guess he is my nephew, I just honestly don't know him. They live five hours from us and I think I've met him maybe six times in the eight years I've been with Jonathan.

It's hard for me to grasp the importance of a Bar Mitzvah, if for no other reason than the fact that I'm not Jewish.

He's a nice kid, but again, I really don't know my BILs very well. They're both significantly older than my DH (7 and 10 yrs), and I'm 6 years younger than Jonathan (he's 42). So needless to say, there isn't much that we have in common. ;)

Unfortunately, my ILs are not warm, cushy people, so it tends to be a strained situation all around. I'm not opposed to going, I just don't think that it's an appropriate place to bring two little kids, KWIM?

-m

[Melanie]

Oh my, if it's anything like the 'part of the Saturday service,' one I went to, do not take the kids. It was so so so so soooooooooooooooooo L O N G. I think three hours straight. Mostly not in English. And this was just 2 children being bat/bar mitzbah'd. OTOH, when BIL was, it was a private ceremony and that was totally different. It wasn't more than an hour. Could you just bring them to the reception? Oftentimes it's geared to included very young children. Never been to one in a car dealership, though. LOL. (imagining Mia running off with your car keys alongside a maserati...haha)

[emmiem]

Generally, there is babysitting available at the synagogue. There will probably be children there and you are always more than welcome to bring young ones. Just take them out if it gets to much or use the nursery.
Michele

[Piglet]

It depends... I go to a Modern Orthodox synagogue and familes tend to be on the larger side (like many religious families tend to be). As such, there is a play room for the kids, kids' activities, etc. The kids come but are not expected to sit thorugh the service. I have been to Reform/Conservative synagogues and while they often have places for kids, the crowd is generally adult.

Here is the catch - you can almost always tell a non-Jewish person at a Bar/Bat Mitzvah - they come right at the start of services. Most people in the "know" come about half way through. The main portion of the Bar Mitzvah is the Torah reading and it is held a good hour after services start and the Bar Mitzvah reading is the last of the whole reading, so expect a good 1/2 hour more to pass before the excitement. Then the Bar Mitzvah boy is called to the Torah, does his thing, gives a speech and you're pretty much off the cook for the rest of the service. Not too bad if you know how to plan your time!

Mazel Tov!

[sadie427]

If the one you're going to is the same synagogue as the first, it may well be just as long, but most places don't have services that are quite that long anymore.

We're going to one tomorrow, DS is 3, his first one was at around 11 mo. We will go to the Saturday service and see how he does, and just go outside and play if he can't keep quiet. We will skip the Friday night service tonight and just go to the dinner.

I think you could skip the Saturday service if you want to, and just go to the party. I wouldn't worry about the party at all. There will be 13 year old boys, but most likely there will be lots of families and kids of different ages. It's a family event like a wedding reception, and people will fuss over your girls, and there will be lots of food, and probably music.

[sdbc]

I know how you feel. I'm not close with my in-laws either, and sometimes I feel like I don't want to go to stuff because my in-laws would probably rather just see DH, anyway...

Still, having been raised Jewish (not practicing much anymore), I know what a big deal a Bar Mitzvah is. It really is almost equal to a wedding in importance to the family. There is probably a playroom upstairs where you could hang out with them during the service if it is long. The reception will be a good time to have them get to know your in-laws a little better.

Sue, mommy to Aurora (Rory) born 5/13/04

[momma_boo]

Hi Marisa,

Yeah - I usually lurk but pop out and post once in a blue moon.

If you're going down to DC, I'd suggest you stay two nights. It might be cruel to make them sit in a car all day for the drive down and then take them to a big party, you know?

If you decide not to go w/ the girls, J still definitely needs to go. I think it would be seen as a pretty big insult to the family if no one shows up b/c it's such a big deal.

Good luck with your decision!

[sobers3]

I have the same situation in Brooklyn in November. It is also
In-Laws and they would be very upset if we didn't attend. Its their only chance to show off the little ones! We are not Jewish, but we muddle through and they are gracious enough to attend all of our Catholic ceremonies. My DGSs are 3 and 2 and they are both deaf, so they have no idea when they are making too much noise, so I can tell you it will be a longgggg day. It will be my 3 sons and myself attending(DIL refuses to go). Fortunately, it is at the Picnic House in Prospect Park, so if they get restless we can go for a walk. I pray for nice weather! Now my only decision is what strollers to take!