How to address another mom

[JBaxter]

We are having a problem in our playgroup. Its a 9/03-8/05 group and almost everyone has pets of some kind. The issue is 1 child is being mean to the pets.
Last month at my house he purposely kicked our puppy Pepper who was all of 3.5lbs at that point he is up to 8 now.
His mother did / said nothing and she saw it. I just held the dog for the rest of the playgroup

2 weeks ago at another home he was pestering another pet pulling ears/tail and was re directed into other areas of the yard. He wouldnt stop so they went inside. Later the dog came in through the dog door and layed down at one of the mommas feet and was enjoying a head scratch. The same child drew a fist and punched the dog in the stomach. The dog lunged open mouth and scratched his face with a tooth. The childs mother went on about how scared he must be....
Yes she was spoken to about the childs agressiveness in the yard.

This week at another house he had a cat cornered with a toy rake and the dad had come in just as the cat was lunging at the child. Again the mother said nothing.

These are pets that are used to toddlers but what do we say to the mother about watching the child more closely. All of us in the group have a pet of some kind ( dog or cat) so it would be really hard to keep all the pets away all the time and quite frankly none of the other children have a problem with them. The all love the doggies and kitties.

What do we say to her with out sounding nasty?


Guess I should clarify a little. Most of us dont let the pets run free during the whole playtime but in my case our puppy was 8 weeks old and the children wanted to see him so I brought him out at the end

I did not personally see the attack 2 weeks ago but this week the cat came up from the basement through a cat door and was heading to the bed room got a few pets from kiddos as she walked by then the child picked up the rake and shoved her to the corner.
I could go on but there have been additional problems with this child which upset many moms.

[nfowife]

I'm not sure what you could say to her. But I will say that in my weekly playgroup (we rotate hosts each week), we all have pets as well and they are always out of the area where the kids will be playing. It isn't something I've ever thought about. My dogs are great, but large (70 lbs. each, I have 2 labs), and can be overly friendly. I would worry that they would knock a kid over in their excitement. Not to mention the hair everywhere! I don't have a problem keeping them seperated at all, it's easier for everyone involved IMO.

[Wife_and_mommy]

I agree with Margaret. My dog is 90# and I even keep her separate from the kids on a daily basis except for supervised times.

I'd actually be more concerned with the fact that this child seems to enjoy tormenting animals. Am I'm reading too much into your post? Forgive me, if so.

Practically speaking, you could have a petting time when you first arrive so this child gets his loving(?) in while supervised. Otherwise, I'd be very careful to keep him away from animals for the sake of everyone's safety.


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[Fairy]

This one is a baddie. I leave this squarely on the parent.

I am a huge animal-lover. Not just that I like pets and animals are nice, but I truly love animals and treat them like they're people. 'cept maybe rodents. And wasps. I have my limits. But I get teary just watching television shows with animals in them because I know they're working, trained animals, and I just can't handle it. Then again, I also treat inanimate objects, like tables and books, like they have feelings, so I guess I'm on the more extreme side of the continuum. But in my opinion, the way you treat another living, breathing creature is very indicative of the kind of person you are. Even people who don't care for pets or are not "animal people" do not automatically then think it's ok to treat animals the way that toddler was. I speak here of the mother allowing it to happen, not the toddler who probably doesn't understand what he's doing.

The problem here is not the toddler, but, as you alluded to, the parent. If she doesn't do something about this behavior, the problem could become the child's as they get older and possibly continue to do this stuff, only willfully.

If it were me, I positively would not stand for it. I would definitely take the parent aside and say, ya know, I understand that they're just little guys, here, but your child hurt my pet, and I'd appreciate if you could please address that behavior. If they did not, I'd leave the playgroup.

That's just me, but I treat everything like it has a soul, including, ya know, spoons. I may sound nuts to you, but I try not to abuse stuff, living or not. I have a hard time understanding people who would allow their children (on purpose, not without knowing) to hurt people's pets or shoot squirrels with BBs or chase geese, etc. for fun or just cuz they're there (vs. hunting or something, which is another discussion, but separating that out, here).

Whatever you decide to do, would be interested in hearing an update.

[cmdunn1972]

That's what we do for our playgroup. We have 2 kid-friendly cats, but I think it's just too stressful for the pets to be around a large group of young children for the reasons described above. They're kid-friendly, but any animal will defend itself as a natural reaction if need be.

We put our kitties in the spare bedroom with their litterbox and food and shut the door. It's only for two hours, and IMO better than the alternative.

[ShayleighCarsensMom]

I personally think it would be easier for you to just put your pets in a safe place during playgroup to avoid it all together.
I have a very very active and impulsive son, so I am all for avoiding a problem rather than trying to prevent something I most likely wont be able to prevent.
HTH

[JASC]

There are 9 families in our playgroup. Those of us who do have pets keep the pets in a separate room when hosting. It's not something we ever even discussed. We all just did/do it. We have a lab who is really just a great big baby. He is fabulous with our DS, but I just wouldn't want to take any chances by adding him to the mix at playgroup.

[MarisaSF]

I agree that the pets should be put in other rooms. My DD is not aggressive towards animals, but we don't have a pet, so she is not used to them. When we go to homes with pets, DD does not act or play the way she usually does because she is so concerned aboout the pet coming to get her (or whatever). I can imagine if a child were more prone to act up or act aggressively when scared that keeping a pet in the play area would just aggravate the problem.

Keep in mind that children who are anxious around pets can act differently no matter how friendly an animal is.

[bubbaray]

I think the "fault" is with the mom who won't deal with how her DS treats animals. No excuse for that in my book.

However, whenever we have children over to play with DD, we put our dog in our bedroom upstairs or out in the yard (depending on weather). Its really more for his sanity than anything -- I don't think its fair to the dog to have him around that kind of chaos, KWIM? I also wouldn't want anything to happen. Not that I think it would (he's a lab and a huge suck), but he's 80lbs and can knock a toddler over with his tail....

I would probably say something about could she talk to her son about being gentle with pets and then all agree that the various pets be put away when the children are around.

Good luck!

Melissa

DD#1: 04/2004

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[madelinesmom]

This may sound a little hokie but what about having a little "circle time" before play group next time it is at your house. Talk about rules, no running, no hitting, no touching the T.V. (this would be for my DH), and just throw in how we pet the puppy, kitty, etc. I think it is really important that people in general and children especially learn how to treat animals. Now if you have a huge dog, put the dog outside, it is necessary to use common sense. We have 2 Yorkshire Terriers, they are really hearty dogs and have really good dispositions. They love children but when they have had enough of kids, mine included they just leave. I do feel that it is never okay to be cruel to animals no matter how old the little perp is... I will say if you aren't willing to be proactive with the situation put your pet away...

Jane
Madeline and Emily's Mom
1/20/03 11/29/05

[jasabo]

Holy cow!! I find it sickening that the mother didn't say something to her son. If I EVER saw one of my kids treat an animal that way, it would NOT go unaddressed!!! Seriously - the child sounds mean and I would be very concerned about his aggressiveness toward small, defenseless animals, especially considering what it often leads to. I'm not saying that's what will happen in this case, but it's the first thing that pops into my mind, especially considering the mother's behavior...

I would most definitely say something to the mother. If this kid is abusing - yes, ABUSING - animals in front of you guys, who knows what he's doing behind everyone's backs. While I agree that animals should be put away during playgroups, etc., it's gone beyond that....he kicked your puppy, for goodness sakes!!! Sorry - this is just a real hot button issue for me - I have no tolerance for animal abuse and kids need to learn very early on that it's wrong.

If it were me, I'd explain to the mother that you (or all of you, if you chose to discuss this together) are uncomfortable with how her son treats your pets - ask if there's a reason he acts this way - is he afraid of them? is he overwhelmed at playgroup and acting out in response? is he bored? .....give her a chance to make an excuse and see if she even thinks it's a problem. If you can figure out why he's doing it - he's afraid of animals, he's overwhelmed, etc, then you can address the problem - maybe suggest that she only come for a little while and leave before he gets bored....something like that.

Either way, she needs to know it's a problem and hopefully she'll change her attitude. However, for me, if she refused or didn't think it was a problem, I would NOT allow her child around my kids - I'd NEVER trust anyone who abuses animals like that and I wouldn't want my kids around that kind of behavior, or around the kind of parents who allow it.

I hope you're able to resolve it and that she's open to helping her child develop respect for others.

[Momof3Labs]

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned another angle. A pet that is tormented by a child may develop a long-term fear of children, particularly a puppy in an impressionable stage. (This happened to our neighbor's puppy who crashed into a wall while running around the house with a child.) And fear *can* turn into biting, which can mean worse consequences for the pet. This isn't something to put off - even if it means asking the mom to leave the playgroup. But until there is resolution, ALL pets should be kept away from this child!!

[egoldber]

My playgroup never had a "rule" per se about this, but I always put away our pets whenever I hosted playgroup. With our cats, I was concerned about them being tormented, which did happen a couple times even though the parent was very diligent about trying to re-direct, the kid was just VERY single minded, LOL! So I put the cats away that dayy and just did it as a matter of course after that. Our dog, may she rest in peace, did not do well around large groups of children, so for me it was never an option to have her out.

There were a couple moms with super laid back dogs who let them stay out, but most put their pets away during playgroup.

If it were me, and me being super passive aggressive, I would just put my pets away.

[Moneypenny]

As PPs have said, the easiest thing to do is put the pets away. However, it sounds like this is perhaps a touch more serious than just a toddle rough-housing with the family pets. The way you describe the behavior is quite concerning. I would put the pets away for everyone's safety, and also have a conversation with the mom about the child's behavior. Maybe say flat out that, as a group, you feel you now have to keep all the pets away because of his mistreatment of them and you're afraid his aggressive behavior may cause the animals to injure him (again) or another innocent child when the pet feels it has to defend itself against him.

Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
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[KBecks]

Maybe people don't agree with instructing someone else's child. But that is the approach I would take. I would go over to the child and tell him/her to leave the pet alone, or to look and not touch, and if the child touched or harassed the pet, I would tell the child no (calmly) and remove the pet.

Then, if the mom wanted to reinforce the message, she could. I think as a pet owner, you have the right to instruct others (adults and children) how they may or may not interact with your animal.

ETA: I also think it's good for kids to have the experience of receiving instructions from people other than their parents, and to learn to listen to people other than their parents. The parent is right there and can support or leave it up to you. If the parent contradicts or complains, then you have a talk directly with the mom and, frankly, I'd un-invite her from the days you're hosting if she won't support protecting your animal(s).

[janeybwild]

I agree that it needs to be addressed. It’s not always feasible to have a pet away, and that is also only one of the issues here. Could you start out with a gentle/suggestive approach to the mom? I'm thinking something like "I've noticed that Bobby has had a few unintentional run ins with some of the cats and dogs at the various houses, and I'm starting to get worried that he may get hurt or develop an aversion to pets if they retaliate....what do you think is the best way to handle any future encounters?" Kind of puts it on her to at least address the issue. Another approach would be a moms night out to discuss playgroup policies? Good luck.