PLEASE help! SEVERE Separation Anxiety

[jennabear]

I'm losing it. Seriously losing it. I know I don't post here often but I'm really having a hard time here.

DD is 10 months old today and I have been dealing with severe separation anxiety with her. I'm a SAHM and I'm going absolutely insane. In fact, as I write this she's on the floor so hysterical you would not believe it. My friends and family can't even believe how she gets.

First off she suddenly will not go to anyone. I know it's normal at this age to an extent. She now won't even go to DH for more than 5 minutes. She must be held by me at all times INCLUDING in our house all day long, no exceptions. In fact, she's WORSE at home. I can't move an inch without her freeking out. Throughout the month I've tried just about everything including letting her cry. When I did the dishes the other day she was so hysterical that she fell backwards and hit head on the floor while standing and gave herself such a goose egg we ended up in the ER.

I'm not kidding when I say I can't move without her becoming hysterical. It is physically impossible to hold her all day. She's a big baby at 26 lbs and 31 inches. (DH's family has big/tall babies) I'm not a big person at all. It's hard holding her all day.

I've taken her to the Ped 3 times and they also checked her at the ER to make sure it's not ears or something like that. She's fine. I thought it might be molars but Motrin does not stop it. She sleeps well at night too. 7p-7a and then 2 naps during the day.

I have no one to watch her anymore because she is so hysterical that even they don't want to deal with it. It's hard having to hold a hysterically bucking 26 lb baby.

I am at my wits end. Any ideas, advice. I'm sorry. I know I don't post here much but I really don't know what else to do. My 3 year old is suffering here because I've got a short fuse. He does attend pre-school 3 days a week but when we are together I'm a monster, I'm sure.

Thanks for listening

[annasmom]

I am so sorry you are going through this - it sounds really tough! I have no advice, but am sending big ((hugs)) your way!! Hopefully some other moms will have some advice for you!

[MissyAg94]

We went through the exact same thing and I thought I was going to go crazy. But you know, DD is 14 mo. now and she is so much better! (She actually stayed in the church nursery for the first time recently.) It lasted for several weeks and it tapered off. My ped told me that he has lots of sad daddies come in thinking something is wrong with their baby who has rejected them. But it's normal. It will get better Mommy!

[brittone2]

I know it is very very hard. My son has this type of personality. He's 2.5 now and still needs to be carried/held quite a bit. It goes in phases.

Certainly 10 months is a time of peak separation anxiety, so know that it is very normal at her age and isn't necessarily predictive of the future IMO.

I also think that there is pretty much nothing you can do, to be honest. Trying to "force" her to separate from you will likely only make it worse IMO. There's a psychological need for what happens at that age, which is why universally most babies go through this. It has to do with object permanence developing, etc. You can try playing games related to that (peek a boo, etc.).

Can you sling? I know she's big but what about a mei tei or other two shouldered carrier like an Ergo? She could be on your back or front. I know it isn't always fun to lug around a bigger kid, but IMO, it can help save your sanity and hers sometimes. My personal belief is that the more you fill up their cup when they are craving that kind of contact, the better. The more you try to get away from her, she'll probably cling harder and more tightly. I know it isn't easy though. Believe me, I still contend w/ it to a degree w/ a 2.5 year old and am due with #2 in 7 weeks (eeek!). (of course, not saying at all that you'll have these issues when she's a toddler because she's very, very much at the peak of a major clingy time in most infants' lives, so very normal no matter what. NO doubt a PITB though).

Some kids are just really sensitive to separation. SOme of it is personality, which you cannot change IMO. It is hard when you are worrying about what other people think, so try your best to let that aspect go if you can. Some kids just feel those things more passionately.

I'm sure that wasn't really helpful, but I've BTDT. I'm sure with her being your 2nd it is very hard to juggle both kids. It was hard for me dealing w/ my DS's need to be held/in contact constantly, and he is still our only child (for a few more weeks LOL).

Hugs. I'll bet things ease up a bit in a few weeks.

Oh, one other thought. My DS never attached to any objects, but does she have a lovey? Maybe you could attempt to introduce something like that as another source of comfort?

[lizajane]

this happens to me with schuyler sometimes even still at 3.5. see my posts about talking on the phone...

my only suggestion- which i got from my ped when he was a baby- is to keep practicing separation. tell her, "i will be RIGHT back" then walk out of the room for one minute, then come back saying, "here i am! i am back!" so she will learn that if you go away, you will return.

what i try to do with my kids when they are acting like this is keep them as close to me as possible without actually holding them. so if i need to unload dishes, i sit dylan on the counter and i stand right in front of him. (i have a tiny kitchen area where the cabinets, etc are) so he can touch me but i am not holding him. or if i need to fold laundry, i sit him on the couch right beside me. with schuyler, if i am on the phone, i tell him he can sit in my lap. or if schuyler gets hurts and is crying but i can't pick him up for whatever reason, i kneel down on the floor to hug him. when dylan cries in his crib in the middle of the night, i will lean against the rail so he can stand up and hug me without my taking him out of the crib (making it harder to put him back in.)

i know it is SO hard. but you should be able to work through it. you do need to practice small and gentle separations, but you also need to provide a LOT of reassurance. constantly talk to her or put a hand on her when you aren't holding her. tell her everything you are doing and what you will do next. tell her when you are finished with X, it will be time to read a story together. and after the story, tell her it is time for you to do x, but she can come along and wait for you to finish. they understand a LOT at that age even though they don't talk back to you when you talk to them.

finally, have you tried a sling? a mei tai carrier might be really great. you can wear it on your back, side or front. i wear dylan in it all the time and he is 25lbs.

[Ceepa]

Wow. That is a hard stage. Maybe try increasing distance from her very incrementally. For example, sit with her reading a book or looking at an engaging toy and then slide her next to you but still have an arm wrapped around her? Or sit on the floor crosslegged and have DD sit in your lap and then kinda straighten your legs out and plop her on the floor. As in work on the two of you interacting but not having her *on* you.

And talk to her a lot, as pp said. Your voice can be a connection even if you aren't physically connected.

I agree that there's nothing you can do to rush a baby through this stage, but maybe some small things can help you feel a little liberated.

Hugs, mama.

-Ceepa

[bunnisa]

One idea for you:

We have a BebePod (just like a Bumbo) and 7 mo old DD LOVES it. We pop her in it on the kitchen island while cooking, cleaning, whatever. That way she's in the middle of the action and can interact with us at nearly eye-level. We also set her in the middle of the dining table on occasion while we eat. She makes a lovely centerpiece ;).

Maybe you know someone with one you could borrow?

...blessed wife and mama to two!

"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
-Justin Torres

[maestramommy]

Whoa, that sounds worse than my situation. Dora is still pretty clingy and I've never really left her with anyone except occasionally the church nursery worker. I think when she hit her peak I couldn't get any work done around the house because she kept whining and clinging to my leg. She wouldn't sit in the stroller for longer than 10 minutes either. That's when I got a meitai. That was about 4 months ago. It's worked really well because she's happy in it. There's no way I could've carried her as much as she wanted, which was no where near all day, and she's tiny! (17 lbs 28 in) But I have also noticed that she's able to sit and watch me work for longer periods or play by herself. She did hit a rough patch about 3 weeks ago. No explanantion except that I'm newly pregnant and maybe she could sense something? It's getting slowly better but she still is very clingy and wearing her on my back is the only thing that saves my day. So agree that maybe trying some strategy of holding her for a while and practicing leaving her (like going into another room) while calling her might help. (((HUGS!))) It's so hard, and I know you have a really hard case.

[Radosti]

My DS started this at 9.5 months. My mom babysat him for 4 hours one day and was in tears by the time I came home. I tried putting him down and it only made it worse. He's the same as your DD - 26.5 lbs, so heavy to carry around all day. But, I finally gave up and stuffed him into my peanut shell. I carried him around as much as I could and tried to make it fun for both of us. I have learned that the shorter fuse I have, the more worried he gets, the worse the behavior is. So, I had to mentally push the overwhelmed feeling out of my head and just had fun with my clingy little monkey. It was very hard and some days I felt like collapsing in a heap and crying, but I got through it. After a few days of proving to him that "I'm not leaving him", I was able to put him in the stroller for walks. He initially got upset, but I'd say, "We're going for a walk!!! You LOVE that, REMEMBER?!?!?!" And he'd get a look on his face like, "Oh yeah, a walk is fun!" So, we progressed from there. If I needed to do dishes, I brought his exercauser into the kitchen and popped him in it at my feet. Then, if he got upset b/c I wasn't holding him, I'd make silly faces at him until he'd crack up.

Luckily, once he felt secure in my love for him again, he was fine again. Good thing too, because I had to go back to work when he was 10 months old. He did well there and he loves other kids. These days, he cries when I hand him to his teacher, but stops right away when they redirect his attention. Mondays are always worse... but we get through them too.

[jennabear]

Thank you so much for all your responses. They were all so helpful. The day was hard but I kept all of your ideas in mind and it made the day so much easier to bear.

Thank you!

[Marcy_O]

Michelle, I agree with Brittone (I stopped at her post because I'm getting sleepy!!) Can you sling her? I would be happy to SEND you a sling, free of charge. I have tons of material and can make one up in about two hours. That would seriously make your life about a thousand times easier until your DD gets out of this stage. I wore my son a lot at that age, and still sometimes do, but on my hip. My friend wears her daughter on her back (I'm not brave enough yet) but that would be an option for you while doing dishes or cooking so she can't get her little fingers into something she's not supposed to. If you are interested, email me at [email protected] and put SLING in the subject line so I don't trash it, and you can give me an address to send it to.