who are you?? describe your true self.

[lizajane]

i have been thinking lately, mostly due to recently botched therapy, who AM I, really? so i thought i should define myself in my own words, in my own point of view. and then i thought maybe that exercise would be valuable to my fellow BBBers who might want an anonymous way to announce to the world who they really are so that they can better be themselves again.

so here goes:

i am a perfectionist. a control freak. i hate being told how i feel, what i feel, what i should feel, what i have to do or how i have to do something.
i am an athlete. i am energetic. i am funny. i behave well at cocktail parties.
i am a hostess. i like to entertain. i like to make people feel welcome, feel special, feel that they deserve my attention and they deserve to eat off my wedding china.
i am volatile. i have a bad temper. when i get angry, i yell and curse. after i yell and curse, i get over it. pretty fast.
i am creative. i have ideas that don't occur to other people and i didn't even know it until the last few years. i can make things in several different mediums.
i am smart. but i don't usually think i am because everyone in my family is absurdly smart and because i don't have time to read books or the paper, i often have no idea what they are talking about. and then i feel stupid.
i am a tom boy. i like to be comfortable. i like to look tough.
i am a snob. i like to dress well when i dress up. i like my clothes to be flattering. i like to shop in stores where they give you your purchases on a hanger or in a bag with handles.
i am a fun mom. i like to play outside and do crafts and play pretend and act silly.
i am not easily embarrassed, but when i am, it is devastating.
i am outgoing. i can talk to almost anyone. i like to start conversations with strangers. i am an extrovert. i can't stand being alone all day, or without another adult all day. but when i have had enough, i want the noise to end and i want to wear jammie pants and eat ice cream on the sofa and watch TV.
i am a gardener. i am a cook. i am an artisan. i am a seamstress. i am a decorator. i am a writer. i am a photographer.
i am a woman. i am a wife. i am a mother. i am a daughter, a sister, a friend. i would really like to be an aunt.
i miss the things that i know i am, but cannot be right now. i am confused about where they have gone and how to get them back. so right now, i am frustrated. i am tired. i am lonely. i am not much fun and usually very negative. i have a bad case of the un-fairs. i am the green eyed monster.

[elliput]

I am in awe.

[aliceinwonderland]

I am in over my head.

[heidiann]

I am way to busy to even find out who I am right now (and it is very frustrating) I lost myself somewhere. I can relate to your post though totally and honestly. I feel and am alot like you (well except for all the creative parts, thats definately not me.)

Heidi
Mom to Jillian 10/20/05

[saschalicks]

First I want to say that what you just did is amazing. It made me think of all of the things that I am really. You just did like a year of therapy in one post. To own up to yourself TRULY is amazing. You've inspired me to do the same. I will do it in another reply to this b/c I first wanted to say THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1) for sharing who you are and 2) for forcing me to find who I am.

[saschalicks]

This is coming out in stream of consciousness:

I am spoiled. I am tired. I am angry at my husband b/c he doesn't have a job. I am angry at myself for being angry at my husband. I feel bad for being angry at my husband. I am a giver. I love to give of myself and and things that make people happy. I will share my last drop of anything just to make someone else happy. I want people to like me. I want to be helpful. I would like to be more politically informed, but I just don't have the time. I am an avid reader. Books are my heroine. I am a good mommy. I love to play with my kids. I love to watch them grow. I wish they would be quiet when I ask. I want to crawl into bed when I feel like it and sleep as long as I like. I want more money, b/c I never seem to make the money stretch. I like clothes, shoes, purses and make-up. I am a girly girl. I love to show off my kids and have them wear the cutest things. I love my husband. I love my parents and my brother. I wish my older brother would adopt a child. I wish I had a house and I could adopt as many dogs as I want. I am emotional. I cry a lot. I am sad for animals all of the time. I hate injustice. I am depressed. I am often unable to cope with reality so I don't. I am overweight, but am working on it everyday. I wish I could exercise. I am a hard worker. I do my job well. I am a procrastinator. I am woman hear me roar. I am realistic and then I live in fantasy land. I love food. I love to plan events. I love arts and crafts. I like the internet and I love my solitary time. I don't like sleeping alone. I don't like watching my kids by myself.

Some of these things are very hard to write down and I'm glad I did it. Thanks again for letting me put it out in the world somewhere.

[SammyeGail]

I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED your post. I am going to print it out later and put it on my fridge : ).

Some things I would like to 'confess' are:

I know I am smart. I wish I could write and speak eloquently, I was able to in the past.

Its find it very difficult to express myself, to anyone.

DH used to be my best friend, now not so much.

I have no best friend.

I can depend on myself.

I change completely and react very well when a situation suddenly becomes stressful. I saved my DH from drowning. I sat with my FIL in the hospital and gave him support, nuturing and compassion that I thought had died in me long ago. Same thing when my mother was hospitalized a few months ago.

I am self-conscience. I have very low self-esteem. The only person I have to help me is myself.

I miss the way DH and I used to be.

I am afraid to get too attached to my children.

I am sure this extra 25lbs would drop fast if I were single : ).

I also am creative. I can figure out how to fix things, make things, come up with ideas others can't. I am sometimes stubborn when it comes to reading manuals and instructions.

I wish I could feel as free as I did as a child.

I have social anxiety and am horribly afraid of rejection.

I am very sensitive, I do get my feelings hurt too easily but am also very compassionate and would help someone at the drop of a hat if I could. The self-esteem thing gets in the way.

I hate Wal-Mart.

I wish I could go to a red-neck party and get smashing drunk.

My DS is teething. I have to go.....

Samantha

[elephantmeg]

wow Liza, thank you. A friend of mine and I were sort of skirting around this topic last night at Bible Study. I, like PP will have to come back later for a try at answering but since DS is sitting on my lap eating my necklace now is not a good time, sigh. But I will say this: I am tired of taking care of everyone and feeling that way makes me feel guilty.

[Puddy73]

Wow, what a great description! You are one cool, self-aware chick. I'll have to think about this.

Jennifer
Mommy to Annabelle 9/08/03 & Finn 10/31/05

"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." - Jimmy Buffett

[wilelm]

I am selfish, immature, spoiled, impatient, demanding.
I have a horrible temper and get very nasty and mean when I'm angry. I get over being angry quickly.
I'm always willing to admit when I'm wrong.
I'm a snob. I feel dirty walking into Wal-Mart.
There's never enough money for the things I want.
I'm opinionated, loud, and ultra-liberal; I think my opinion counts and I'm not afraid to give it.
I'm an atheist.
I'm an extremely caring, thoughtful, loving, giving person.
I'm intelligent. I often feel more intelligent than my huband, which makes me angry at him.
I like to drink too much.
I wish I were still in love with my husband, and that he were my best friend. I don't have a best friend.
I'm depressed and lonely and miss my family, who live on the other side of the country.
I'm a fierce Mama.
I'm lazy about exercising and cleaning my house, but not about my work.
I'm often too hard on my 3.5 year old.
I wish I could sleep more.
I love food.
I have self-esteem issues and have never felt pretty.
I scream A LOT.


Sheila

ETA: Boy, don't I sound like someone you want to run out and meet! After rereading my post, I realized almost all of the things I listed were negative.

I also love my children more than anything or anyone else in the world--I would do ANYTHING for them.
I'm a very loyal sister/daughter/friend/wife. If you're in a fight, you want me on your side--believe me.
I'm a voracious reader.
I want more "me" time, then feel guilty when I get it.
Okay, I could go on and on and on, but this is Liza's post!

[barbarhow]

As ever, Eri, you slay me. LOL

[kedss]

I am a poet who has forgotten the passion.
I am an artist who can't find the space, time or energy.
I am shy most of the time, until I find a safe place, then I am on stage.
I am smart but not about the things most of the people in my house/family care about.
I can cook when my MIL isn't here.
I clean when I feel like it.
I am learning not to be afraid to love my son.
I am a tomboy, love being barefoot, hate high heels, I used to love watching football, but I'm now waiting for the day when I can teach my son to throw like Elway. :)
I am going gray faster than I like.
Someday, I will be a fun mom.
I give good hugs.
I am good at forgiving other people, not so good at forgiving myself.
I am trying to be a good person, and a good mom, and I think I am half the time.

Thanks, Liza for sharing, I hope you find your happy places again!
Big hugs

[saschalicks]

>I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED your post. I am going to print it out
>later and put it on my fridge : ).
>

You made me smile thanks. I really liked yours too. There were so many you said that I thought "oh sh!t I forgot that one".

[deenass]

Liza,

Can I be your friend???? Or at least, can I go shopping with you????

We don't have to talk about what is going on in the world since I don't know either (I use to catch the first 15-30 mins of the Today show and at least know if the world had been almost blown up, but DS is paying too much attention to the news these days so no more news when he's awake!)

[bubbaray]

I am tired.


Melissa

DD#1: 04/2004

http://bd.lilypie.com/SasRm7.png

[buttergirl12]

I'm not exactly sure why but this post and the replies so far just made me cry. I was sitting here sobbing for a good 15 minutes.
I don't think I am who I used to be but I don't really have time to figure out who I really am.

Manja
WAHM to J 10/2003

http://b3.lilypie.com/wP8Zm5/.png[/img][/url]

[bcafe]

Me too. The 1 glass of wine may have "helped" the emotions come more quickly, however, I am not sure of just what I am anymore. :(

[lizajane]

can we go to places that give us clothes on hangers?? and can we go out to lunch and eat food that is bad for us?? and can i complain?

then YES YES YES!!!

;)

[lizajane]

what is hardest for me is that i don't know who i am "supposed" to be. i mean, if complaining is being myself then do i need to change to be more likable? or would changing be false, and a lie, and not my true self, and therefore even more wrong that being a complainer?

and if everyone at church asks my husband, "how is your wife so put together all the time? how does she do it? how does she find time for it all?" and they are SO FREAKIN' WRONG WRONG WRONG i want to laugh and cry at the same time, does that mean i am a big ol' faker? or does that just mean that i am doing ok at hangin' in there and i am at least putting on a brave face?

off to search for wine... (but since i saw DH with a cocktail last night, very rare, i bet there isn't any. so maybe off to find a cocktail...)

[elephantmeg]

I am shy and feel like I am on the outside looking in except at work where I feel like I have it all together and that I'm good at what I do (and usually like it). My 5 year college reunion was terrible
I want to do something more with nursing but I can't decide what-teach nursing/be a lactation consultant/move up the ladder and do staff teaching... or when/where to go back to school to do some of the above
I feel that I don't work enough but then when I work more I feel like I work too much
I love to scrapbook
I love order and a clean home but the house is getting away from me this week
I love being a mom but sometimes get tired of the repetitiveness of picking up/washing dishes/rescuing him from eating leaves :)
I am often tired. Working 3-11 and taking care of a baby that wakes up at 7:30 and only naps an hour in the morning is getting harder.
I feel that DH does not appreciate how hard it is to be a mom sometimes
I am completely and totally in love with my son.
I have developed a love of shopping but am afraid to spend money and feel guilty when I do. However I am going shoe shopping with a friend tomorrow (who is scandelized that I only have 11 pairs of shoes which includes 3 pairs I don't like!)

Liza, if you figure it out, let us know. And enjoy the cocktail! I would say if the people at church think highly of you you're doing something right!

[bcafe]

I know what I "do", but is that intertwined with who I am? Perhaps, or maybe that is the role I have taken on or been heaped upon. Dunno...

[jasabo]

>i miss the things that i know i am, but cannot be right now. i
>am confused about where they have gone and how to get them
>back. so right now, i am frustrated. i am tired. i am lonely.
>i am not much fun and usually very negative. i have a bad case
>of the un-fairs. i am the green eyed monster.


I had to say that this last part of your discription struck a chord with me - you've summed up in a few sentences how I've been feeling for the past year, but haven't been able to articulate, both to dh and to myself, which has been really frustrating. Thank you for posting this. It really means a lot to me.

For what it's worth, you sound like an incredibly, wonderful person to me :)

[lizajane]

thanks.

wanna go get a slice of cake sometime?

can we have a "who am i" bbb retreat?

[denna]

I am often misunderstood.
I am easily embarrased.
I am very clausterphobic.
I am shy until I REALLY get to know you or feel comfortable.
I always blame others for everything (I just realized I did this, and its devasting I am so trying to change this).
I just realized Im a snob when it comes to certain things.
I am a VERY picky eater.
I am openminded, and yet judgemental.
I am overly critical especially of myself.
I am a perfectionist, and not at all creative.

I love my son more than anything in this world. He makes me happy each and every day.

I fell isolated and alone alot of the times.
I have no true friends.
I believe in a God but not THE God.
I used to think I was very smart but now Im not so sure.
I have a hard time opening up about myself/ my emotions (and will probably come back to delete this later). It is much to exposing for me.

[deenass]

Oh YES! I remember going to lunch with a friend after we had our babies and she told me that in restaurants she ordered food that she couldn't make at home and since she didn't have a deep fat fryer at home, she was ordering chicken fingers!!!!!!!!

[maestramommy]

Oh wow. I wasn't sure what this post was at first, but I didn't expect this depth of expression. Liza, I'm SURE I could never come up with the list you did. Amazing! But I'll give it a go.

I am a perfectionist in some things, a slouch in others.
I am a musician. It is probably my one earthly passion. It's too bad I don't have the time and energy to pursue it like I used to, but I'm grateful for the little opportunities that come by when they do.
I am actually quite introverted, but with close friends I could hang out for hours.
I am a tomboy most of the time, but when I have to dress up, I like to look like a WOMAN.
During a the latter part of the day I can't wait til my kid's in bed, but after she's been for a while, I can't wait til the next morning so I can see her grinning at me again.
I think being a mother is the hardest work I've ever done, and it has taught me the true meaning of sucking it up.
My DH has been my best friend since the day we got together.
I'm sure I could be a better mother, but I'm sure I could be a lot worse, so I settle for what I can put out each day.
I love to read, and being able to for hours on end is one thing I really miss since I became a mom.
I am a person, with my own thoughts, feelings, and desires, and things I will stand for. Sometimes I share them, sometimes I don't. But I know what they are most of the time.

[oliviasmomma]

I don't know why, but this thread intimidates me...

I am tired. I am a good cook. I am a good mom except when I'm not. I love books, I love to write, and I hate that I don't have time for either. I am not sure who I am anymore. I tried to save the world once and gave up angrily and I am not sure what to do next. I am outgoing, but secretly afraid no one likes me. I am guarded all the time. I am grouchy more often than I'd like to admit. I am a knitter, crocheter, scrapbooker--but I am not a sewer. I work at being a fun mom, but I never know if I'm enough. I am a SAHM and only like it half the time. I am lonely, yet busy. I am at home too much. I am confused about the future. I am angry about the direction of our country. I am scared of the direction of our country. I am afraid of death. I am nuts about my husband. I wish my father were not in my life at all. I like to laugh. I am funny. I am silly. I like to drink, but rarely do. I like to feed other people. I like to have parties. I wish I could forgive my mom. I am fiercely loyal. I am smart. I am kind. I am more than Olivia's mom although that is my favorite thing to be.

[kijip]

...a work in progress.

[bisous]

Interesting thread! I spend so much time analyzing my DS it's kind of fun to think about me...

The good...
I am conscientious almost to a fault.
I am fantastically curious about almost everything.
I am an optimist.
I always try my best at everything that I do.
I am kind to all walks of life.
I am not moody at all...if I'm in a bad mood I have the flu so stay away!
I can be really fun.
I am almost always honest.
I am a very good critical thinker.
The bad... (this is kind of painful)
I am selfish--I need time to myself everyday and LOTS of it.
I am vain.
I am stubborn and prideful--makes life difficult for my DH sometimes.
I am a little air-headed and don't even ask me to parallel park!!!

I'm going to say it...I'm a good mother. I can say this because I have a wonderful relationship with my three year old and he is relatively healthy and very happy. I'm not perfect at all. One thing that I am not is a perfectionist. Part of the beauty of life is always having something to strive for. If I achieved it all then I would be bored. I always appreciate being surrounded by my superiors in everything. That is one reason that I like being on this board!

JEN

[julieakc]

Great thread...everyone's honesty brought tears to my eyes too. I've "stolen" from most of you to make my list....

I am a mother
I am a wife
I am a daughter
I am a sister
I am an aunt
I am a friend

I am a perfectionist at heart and get very stressed/frustrated if I circumstances prevent me from doing something perfect

If I can't do something well sometimes I don't want to try, although deep down I wish I could

I have control issues
I easily get addicted to computer games
I love reading
I expect a lot from my friends, but no more than I am willing to give

I am blessed with the perfect mother for me
I am highly critical, but at the same time very accepting
I have friends from all walks of life and highly value the diversity that this has brought to my life

I am a survivor; I am strong
I am sensitive
I anger easily but then it is over
I have a good memory
I am smart
I am inquisitive
I am a good mother, but far from perfect
I finally understand how much my mother loves me because I hold my son and know I'd do anything for him

A fear for my son's future hangs over me daily, but I hope for a cure just as often

I am confident
I'm a bit selfish, but also very generous
I am a horrible singer
I am organized, but have tons of papers that need to be filed away
I love animals
I believe in God, but not necessarily religion
I believe we have a duty to protect the environment
I am lucky enough to have many close friends

I still love my husband after 9 years of marriage and even though there's a long list of things he does that annoy me, know that he is the perfect spouse for me

I am low maintenance.....no regular manicures, no plucking or waxing,no hair-coloring, etc.

I would love to always be well dressed and look "polished" but it's just not "me" - jeans and a cute top that's not too girly is me

I hate high heels
I am a planner
I am a leader
I am not easily embarrassed
I am not afraid to stand up for myself

I am frustrated and saddened by society's current trend of poor customer service, poor parenting (i.e, lack of proper supervision, not making kids take responsibility for their actions, etc.), and litigious nature

I have an irrational fear of birds
I have had my heart broken more than once
I have done things I am ashamed of, but have learned from the experience

I am a strong advocate for my son's needs
I am not easily swayed and don't believe everything I read (I know how to consider the source and that data can be skewed in different ways)

I am strong-willed (aka stubborn)
I hate being wrong
I am a hostile driver (not in a dangerous way, just that I get annoyed with stupid drivers)

I am a night owl (it is after 1:30 AM when I am typing this)
I work well under pressure
I am a procrastinator
I am a major type A personality
I like to win
I am honest
I am loyal
I am trustworthy
I have a hard time sitting still and doing nothing; I am a chronic multi-tasker (did I mention I was a type-A personality?)

I am a good listener
I really do believe all things happen for a reason even if we don't know the reason
I am generally an optimist
I want to win the lottery so I can become a philanthropist


Bottom line.....I have a good life

[pb&j]

Amen to that.


-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/35775.gif
http://b1.lilypie.com/aKGqm5/.png[/img] ([img)