This just seems kind of off to me

[barbarhow]

A friend of mine just called. She has 2 boys 3 1/2 and 5 1/2. As soon as we started talking one of them started complaining. She said "I promise. I will only be on the phone 5 minutes." We resumed our talking and then a few minutes later (presumably 5) I hear her kitchen timer going off. I said-"You're kidding me, right? YOu set the timer for yourself?" She answered "Well it only seems fair."
Well. That only seems crazy to me. I love this friend but this kind of seems like she is saying that she and her kids are equals. Does this seem off? Or am I off base here?

[Jenny_A]

Hmmmm... I don't know what to think about this one. My first thought was Wow! That's great that your friend held up her end of the bargain with her son! She told him she was only going to be one the phone for 5 minutes and she meant it. The next time she tells him something he has reason to believe her and also if she sets a time limit for him... let's say she says, "You can play for 5 more minutes and then it's time for bed!" She has set a great example for him of sticking to a time limit.

That being said, I certainly see your point and I would find it frustrating too if I was on the phone with a friend and a timer went off. She could have said... "Mommy is on the phone right now. Please don't interupt. We can talk when I get off." or something like that to avoid having to set a time limit.

She probably didn't mean to say that she and her kids were equals. I bet she was just trying to be true to her word with him. Good for her in that respect!

Jenny

Mom to Caroline 1/06

[SnuggleBuggles]

It sounds good to me. It works on a few levels- that mom means what she says, they understand what 5 minutes is since w/o the timer it is a hard concept to understand. I think it is important for grown ups to say what they mean and do what they say they will.

Beth

[mariza]

I have to agree. Yes, I'm sure it's annoying when you are having a conversation, but she is setting a good example. I don't think it puts them on the same level at all, if that were the case she would have entertained the interruption, which she did not. She told her DC she was busy and when she would have time to listen, and she is teaching them the concept of time as well as patience.

Mariza
Mommy to my "Thing 1" DD 1/05
and "Thing 2" DS 9/06

[himom]

I think it's a good idea. If she makes a promise, she should keep it. Just because we are the adults and we are in charge doesn't mean we should give ourselves permission to lie to our kids.

Now, I don't think she should be obligated to make the promise in the first place, since if she wants to talk on the phone for a while that is fine. But if she decides to make a promise I think it's important to stick to it.

Jodi

[jillc]

My thoughts, too.

[kijip]

I agree with the pp that it is good she kept her promise. However, I agree with yout that the timer method seems a little off, especially since she is is the one that called you and her kids are not tiny. At 3 and 1/2 I would hope my children would understand that they need to be quiet or play alone for a little bit when mama's on the phone.

[lisams]

It depends. Perhaps she was on the phone for a while earlier, and her children were needing some Mommy time. Or perhaps it really wasn't a good time for her to have a long phone conversation with the children around. There are certain times of the day that I can tell DD just needs to get out and run her little legs. If I take a phone call during that time, I try to keep it short.

If it was something she did everytime while she was on the phone, that might be a little much, but it could very well be a situational thing.

[lizajane]

At 3 and 1/2 I would hope my
>children would understand that they need to be quiet or play
>alone for a little bit when mama's on the phone.

see my recent post about my sensitive child and the phone.

i tried setting a timer.

i can't stand it that my child panics every time i talk on the phone. but i also think that if i make a promise to anyone, i should keep it. and if that means using a timer to prove it, then so be it.

i really do wish i could have uninterupted phone conversations. i really do wish my kid didn't freak out everytime the phone rings. but at the same time, staying at home is my job and i wouldn't be allowed to have long personal phone converstations while at a job outside of the home.

[psophia17]

Well...I think it's good she followed through on what she told her kids...I try to do that, and life works better when DS knows I'm going to follow through on my words.

However, I think giving yourself a time limit for a phone call is pretty weird. I spent hours on the phone the other day, working out some move-related things, and DS was interrupting a lot. So he heard "Mummy is on the phone right now, and isn't finished yet. You need to use your patience." I would've loved to set a timer for 5 minutes, but it wasn't an option...what does your friend do when it's not a personal call, I wonder?

[deannamorrison]

Well, maybe she's the type of person who gets wrapped up in phone calls and her kids end up waiting forever and a day to get her attention. Maybe this is her way of taking care of that issue. Kind of like dieting to rid yourself of bad eating habits or getting regular manicures to stop yourself from nailbiting?

[kijip]

What about calls that are necessary? I can think of recent long converstations with my pharmacist, the scholarship office of my college, the medical insurance company about Toby's bill, a mail order company who had not sent the costume I am expecting by halloween and my mother's home health aid, not to mention my mother who is stage 4 with cancer right now and needing to work out complicated transportation schedules for her treatments. All calls that simply must occur during the day. Those sorts of things are all part of my job as a parent and as the adult child of woman with medical issues. The phone has to be part of my day, regardless of if Toby likes it or not. :) And I can't even begin to put a limit on those- you never know how long you are going to be on hold with the phone company or the bank, you know?

[cmdunn1972]

ITA. I also wonder if one or both of her sons was/is particularly needy when she's on the phone, and the timer is her way of restoring sanity in the household during phone time.

[Raidra]

What's wrong with her and her kids being equals? In our house, our kids wants are just as important as ours. If we encourage our kids to share and take turns, then I think it's fair for them to expect the same of us. How can you tell your kid, "Okay, five more minutes playing with that toy, and then it's your brother's turn" but not say, "Okay, I can have five more minutes on the phone, then you get my attention"?

Of course, there are times when safety is an issue, or time - like if they're playing, but we have to be at a playdate that I know they will love, I tell them that we have to stop playing and get ready. They don't always know all the details, but I don't think that applies to this situation.

[mary b]

Hi Liza,

just wanted to offer you support. My 5 year old is similar to your 3 1/2 y.o. in that she likes to be apart of my every waking moment including being on the phone. As I also work from home several hours a week, this does make life difficult! I have lost touch with more than 1 friend over this and am having a difficult time launching a different position with my current company over this!


Hugs to you!
Mary

[KBecks]

I don't think it's weird. I use a timer sometimes for my computer time. I don't see this as being beholden to the kids, as much as using a tool to manage her time.

The I promise wording is strange, but I don't always use great word choices!

[barbarhow]

I can see what others are saying and maybe it bothers me because I know her relationship with her kids and they seem to rule the roost there. This seemed like another instance of answering to their "rules".
I don't think that kids are equals. They shouldn't be. I am supposed to set good examples for my children, teach them love and respect and set age appropriate boundaries for them. They do not get to set boundaries for me. I think that children of that age should start to understand that Moms need some Mom time and if they need to talk on the phone for a few minutes then that is that. She is not someone who spends alot of time on the phone. What if the buzzer goes off and you are not done with a very important conversation. Do you end the phone call in order to stick to the "promise"? It still seems odd to me.

[ErinMC]

As a parent of a child who is also particularly needy when I'm on the phone, this was my thought too.

Erin

Mom to Chase 2/2004 and Logan 5/2006

[michellep]

In the minority here but yes it seems odd to me. When I'm using the timer it's more to diffuse a potentially frustrating situation rather than a way to exactly keep track of time. The timer goes off and I can say to the child, Oh man it's time for us to go upstairs and get you ready for bed. I don't feel like I need to use that kind of subterfuge for myself :)!

I'd rather promise something fun we'll do together after the phone call as long as I'm not interrupted. Would certainly watch the time depending on the attention span of the child in question, but not use the timer. To me what we do after is the promise kept, not some arbitrary time limit.

-M

[ShayleighCarsensMom]

Thats why I never use the phone anymore...I swear, the start screaming everytime I pick up the phone!

[thomma]

I don't think you're off base but then again I'm the mother that tells my kids to scram when they act up when I'm on the phone. I'm rarely on the phone and never on for more than 10 minutes. Unless it's an emergency, ds and dd can make do until I'm off. Clearly I'm not of the mind that we are equals.

Kim
ds&dd 5/03

[barbarhow]

Clearly I'm not of the mind that we are equals.
>
>Kim
>ds&dd 5/03

Glad I am not alone. :-)


Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
and Anna 5/12/05, my little Yankee fan!

[lizajane]

yes, the phone is part of my day whether he likes it or not (really, do see my other post) BUT that doesn't mean that i have any control over a 3.5 year old having a panic attack (sobbing, shaking, sweating) because phone calls actually make him afraid.

if you loved to go on long walks along a certain route, but every time you passed by the big ol' rottweiler at the end of the block your kid went into hysterics, would you not change your route?

[Bethann31]

You are definitely not alone.

Beth

[barbarhow]

So I just relayed this story to my husband and his response was "Yeah. And she thinks you are indulgent for cutting the crusts off of Jack's sandwiches." Ba da bum. Touche.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
and Anna 5/12/05, my little Yankee fan!

[MommyAllison]

>>I don't think that kids are equals. They shouldn't be. I am supposed to set good examples for my children, teach them love and respect and set age appropriate boundaries for them. They do not get to set boundaries for me. <<

ITA

Allison
Mama to DD 11/05

[oliviasmomma]

I would only see this as equality if the kids set the timer--the way I see it, mom set the timer, made the rule, and stuck to it. I probably wouldn't do it all the time, but I can see how it could be a useful tool at times!

[brittone2]

ITA with the above.

[C99]

>and her kids are not tiny. At 3 and 1/2 I would hope my
>children would understand that they need to be quiet or play
>alone for a little bit when mama's on the phone.

You can hope -- and maybe Toby will be that kind of kid. My kid? Not a chance. He is not needy *until* I am on the phone.

[kijip]

>
>>and her kids are not tiny. At 3 and 1/2 I would hope my
>>children would understand that they need to be quiet or play
>>alone for a little bit when mama's on the phone.
>
>You can hope -- and maybe Toby will be that kind of kid. My
>kid? Not a chance. He is not needy *until* I am on the phone.

So far so good- I don't need to hope. And he is 3 years, 4 months now. But lordy knows things can change over night :). Still, he is independant enough to self entertain when needed for reasonable periods. While I don't go forward expecting things to stay the same, he has been like this for a long time now. He has a reasonable expectation that I generally won't be on the phone long (heck, call me and I barely answer my phone, preferring to return calls when I have a minute) and I have a reasonable expectation that he knows where his train set and coloring crayons are when I need to be on the phone. This is not a one way street.

[kijip]

> Clearly I'm not of the mind that we are equals.
>>
>>Kim
>>ds&dd 5/03
>
> Glad I am not alone. :-)

Nope, you are most certainly NOT alone. :)

[DrSally]

I have to agree that I think it sets a good example for keeping your word. I remember one time my mom told me to sit in the bathroom in the dark for time out or something and she went to talk on the phone and was gone for over an hour--forgetting about me! I think it could help teach kids time and patience, b/c often times adults say "just a minute" and it ends up being 20, so they protest every time they hear "just a minute". If they get a sense of what 5 minutes means, that could help with waiting. The part about setting a timer might seem a little rigid, but maybe that's part of her teaching plan.

[SammyeGail]

I'm a new mom and have never been her situation, when I have talked to friend/family they usually remind their kids that they need to be quiet while Mommy is on the phone.

I think the timer thing is a good idea, I would think it would teach the kids about the timer, but maybe she should have set it for 10-15 minutes instead of 5 so you both have a chance to chat. She could tell them mommy will finish her phone call when the timer goes off. If they could see the timer it could also give them an idea of how much time is left by how close the dial is to the zero.

Samantha

[deborah_r]

Regarding the sandwiches: I NEVER wanted to be a crust-cutter-offer. I swore I would not. But you know what? He eats the whole thing if I cut the crust off. If I leave the crust on, he leaves so much "good" bread next to the crust, and he doesn't eat as much! So I am officially in the no-crust camp now! Bread crusts are often my breakfast as I am making his sandwich for lunch in the morning.

[Lovingliv]

Hey Barbara,

I have to agree with you...Liv does not get to set limits for ME. She needs to learn to be respectful when I am on the phone, and she may not interrupt. Now, she does interrupt because I am pretty sure that at 18 months she does not know the difference yet. When she does, I say excuse me to who I am on the phone with, and I get down to her at eye level and I tell her "mommy is on the phone, you may not interrupt." Not sure that she gets it, but she does walk away and finish playing.
"Seems fair?" That statement to me is weird. My household is not a democracy. I make the rules with DH. The kids abide.
That is at least the plan. :)
May not be like this for everyone,,,,but this is the way my parents did it, and I have and see no problem with it.
Hope Jack and Anna are well....don't "see" you as much anymore...

[katiesmommy]

Okay, so I can't decide where I am in this situation. In some ways I'm kind of on the positive for her, like it's good that she keep a promise that she made to her kids, but at the same time I have to question who the parent is in that situation. Hmm, I just can't decide where I stand.