What would you do...sticky situation with friends...

[kayte]

We are freinds with a couple--my DH has known the husband for almost 30 years.

They started dating in 2000 but didn't marry until last year as the guy never wanted to get married. She changed his mind--after much upheavel. When they started dating he explained he did not want to have kids and she was fine with that. They both have very high profile , demanding jobs. Recently at a family event the sister of the husband announced to the family that she was pregnant. The wife lost it and has told her husband she really does want children. Last weekend, the husband tells his side to my husband on the golf course and she tell her side to me at home. To complicate things we just had our first baby. The husband is afraid she will hate him in the long run if she never has kids and she is afraid he will hate her now if they do.... Meanwhile my DH and I see problem from 2 different sides as well. I just feel bad for her---she is 36 and ehr CLOCK IS TICKING and she hears it constantly. My husband rightfully feels bad for his friend as he was very honest with the wife from the very beginning.

We are caught in the middle and we have no advice for them.

So how do I console her and him for that matter without being opinionated...

And anyone have advice on what they should do--anyone been in this situation???

TIA --Sorry it was so long.

[maestramommy]

Wow, that is a really tough one. One of my coworker's daughter was in this situation, but they finally addressed it before they got married. They decided to go to couple's counseling to work out all the whys an wherefores. The BF, now DH, didn't want kids because he wants to be a journalist, and didn't want to be tied down because of the traveling. The end result of all the counseling is that he agreed to have one kid. This was a tough situation as the daughter LOVES children, but they had been living together forever, and were crazy about each other, just couldn't resolve the children issue until she started to contemplate breaking up.

Would both sides be agreeable to that kind of counseling? In the meantime they both, but she esp. should be aware that careers will be impacted by having even one child. Not that it isn't worth it, but from what I've read and heard many couples don't really understand how that plays out until after the child is there. I mean, everyone says, "having a child will change your life forever" but no one really knows what that means until it happens, y'know? So they just have to be prepared and be willing to be flexible, sacrifice, etc, all that stuff.

[tylersmama]

I definitely agree with the pp re: counseling. It may not help, but on the other hand, if either one of them is not absolutely sure, it may help them come to an agreement.

I actually know a couple who went through this. They got married just a month after we did, with the understanding that neither one of them wanted children. About two years later, she decided that she wanted children after all. They went through counseling, but ultimately decided that it was a deal-breaker for their marriage--he absolutely did not want kids. They did have some other underlying issues (financial) that contributed to their divorce, but kids/no kids was the thing that ultimately pushed it over the edge.

The sad thing is that three years after their divorce, she's still no closer to having children than she was before.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Boy, I wish I had some advice. This just sounds so much like the book "Baby Proof" by Emily Giffin only the roles were reversed on who wanted a baby after agreeing not to have them. It was all about trying to decide what was worth compromising on and what they just couldn't compromise on. Chick lit, but good quality. :)

I really hope they can find something that works for them. I imagine this is the sticking point that will test their marriage and whether they truly believe they will be happy with each other long term.

Beth

[bostonsmama]

That's tough! I know that when I started dating my now DH over 6.5 years ago, he only wanted ONE child and it was to be a MINIMUM of 8 if not 10 years into our marriage. Even though I had never dreamed of having a large family, at least I knew I wanted one, and a whole lot sooner than 10 years from now. Long story short, we went to counseling and after addressing some of his hesitations and fears-which I think most people have but don't verbalize, we were able to come to a concensus. Now, he's more gung-ho about having biological children than I am, but this couple certainly can't expect that there will be a "deeper" reason or room to work. Some men (and women) just don't want kids, plain and simple. There is a couple at our church in their late 40s if not early 50s and they do not and will never have kids. It's so odd to me to think that. I always assumed that if having kids was so bad, people wouldn't be doing it so much. Nobody debates that it's tough, especially if you want to do it right, but alas, here we are....the species continues, bugaboos and college funds or not (I was raised with the "not"). And maybe that's what these two need to hear.

Sounds like this couple has a lot to talk about. As far as who is right and who is "wrong," the wife surely should have known better since the DH made his intentions clear from the beginning, but plenty of people change their minds about all sorts of things in a marriage (from what job they'll get--think felicity huffman's pizza shop storyline in Desperate Housewives-- to where to retire to what kind of home they buy) and are never happier with their decisions. Hopefully this will work out amicably for them. But take my advice with a grain of salt since I'm not "there" yet.

L

[blueeyedb]

I agree with pp, counseling would be a great place to start. They shouldn't move forward either way without some serious exploration.

When my aunt and uncle got married, he was very clear that he never wanted kids. At the time, she thought that was something she could agree to. Well, 15 years into their marriage, she decided she wanted to have kids and really pressured him to go along with it. He eventually gave in and now they have two kids (ages 9 and 7) and even though they are still married, she is basically a single mother. He feels like he didn't want the kids, so he shouldn't have to raise them. At this point, no one is suffering more than the kids who really need both of their parents. Obviously, this is a pretty extreme example and it doesn't turn out this way for many families, but not being on the same page very seldom leads to good things in a marriage.

[kozachka]

We have a friend, who is more of DH's friend, who did not want to have children and was 'surprised' by his wife. He was never home, execusing himself with his busy job, and was not happy about his life situation for years. He felt trapped into having a child, buying a larger house with a yard so that the child can grow in a nice place etc. They did not divorce but I can't say that they had a happy marriage either. From what I understand his wife was still happy she had the child.

That said my DH was pushing for a child for years. I finally gave in and about mid-way into my pregnancy he got withdrawn and was not much help for the first couple years of DS' life, which I resented tremendously. So things change, there is no way telling upfront whether a person would be a great parent or not, and at what point.

[kayte]

Thanks so much for all your thoughts. I suggested to my DH that he suggest counseling. I am not too sure the husband will be open to it----but we will see what happens....

Thanks.

[DrSally]

This is a major issue. I agree that he was upfront in the beginning, but I also think we are human and have the right to change our minds as well. It is an impasse, and I would suggest couples counseling to get it sorted out. Both could become very resentful if they don't. My personal opinion, is that if they were to have children, it is more likely that the husband would fall in love with them, rather than not having children and the wife would be heartbroken for life. If they have such good jobs, couldn't they afford help so the husband wouldn't have to change his lifestyle so much? Just thoughts.

[SpaceGal]

Wow, this kind of sounds like my husband's cousin. He married his wife 12 years ago and they had agreed to never have kids. Over recent part of their relationship the wife was becoming unhappy in the marriage and did start wanting a baby. They had talked about divorce and what not but stuck it through and then during a stressful time in her life, she got pregnant. He wasn't very happy about it but they did have the baby. It took a lot of adjusting and talking and working out but now they are a veyr happy family. They had to adjust their personal lives, their family life as a couple and grow into the little family that they are now. Sure they had their ups and downs, but I think it was important that everyone talked and participated to work things out. They had a rough time a few months ago but they worked it out and it's good now. He's a great father and she's a great mom, and you know what he's a great kid.

Like PPs have said it's good that everyone was open and honest in the beginning and yes she's allowed to change her mind. It sounds like they do care a lot about each other and will be able to work things out for everyone's best interest. Is he willing to have this child, is she willing to deal witht he possible full burden of having the child by herself? Not to suggest the worst but if they look at it from all angles (good, bad, happy and sad) together I think they can find something in the middle.