WWYD..3 week old visiting nursing home...

[robinsonbn]

DH really wants DS to meet his paternal grandma and vice versa. She hasn't gotten to see him yet because well, I have been avoiding taking him. See she is in a nursing home because she has Fabry's it is all very sad. She has a perfectly sound mind in a body that does not work again very sad. I feel like a horrible person for putting it off but I just don't want DS to go into the home and catch something. Not to sound mean but my experiences with nursing homes have involved family members comming down with everything from colds to the very scary staff infections. Well, DH is getting restless and really wants her to meet DS. He has the opinion that Nursing homes are cleaner than hospitals...as he says this the horrors from the 20/20 specails rush into my head. So what should I do. Do you think it is ok for us to take DS...should we wait longer till he is older..though I am unsure how long DH will wait..as I said we have different opinions on these places...I don't want to be the bad DIL that keeps DS from his paternal grandma..but I don't want him to get sick.

[crl]

I have no idea, but have you asked your ped?

[gordo]

I had this same concern with DD visiting her great-great grandma in the nursing home. Luckily, my great-grandma was still mobile enough that we were able to bring her to my parent's house the first couple of times for her to meet the baby there, although it sounds like that won't be doable in your situation.

I don't know where you live, but if the weather isn't too cold, are you able to have his grandma brought outside to meet DS? Or maybe in the lobby of the nursing home instead of bringing him all the way in?

If not, I would just make sure you don't let others hold him, wash hands when you leave, etc. My DD did end up vising her great-great grandma in the nursing home a number of times and never did catch anything. I just had to be firm when all the people in the nursing home wanted to touch her, hold her, etc. I was pretty cautious about it when she was very young, but quickly got over my germ fear LOL

Good luck!

[kimbe]

That is a tough one. I am sure that he would be okay, but I totally understand your fear. I agree with the pp. Talk to your ped! I am sure that he/she would help. The ped would either tell you not to do it or ease your fears!

Give us an update on what you decide!

[C99]

I would do it. Really, it's his great-grandmother and it will do her (and everyone else in the place) good to see such a wee one. If you are BFing, the baby should be pretty protected from anything. Just go in for a short visit and make sure that you are holding the baby most of the time.

[AngelaS]

I regularly took my first born to visit my grandma in the nursing home from a few weeks on until Grandma died when she was just over 2. If she were still alive, we'd still be going. All the grandmas in the place will be oohing and ahhing over your little one and seeing a newborn will make their week!

My mom used to tell the story of taking me to the nursing home as a newborn to visit some relative. My mom gave me to the elderly relative who was sitting in a chair that was part of the circle in the big rec room. Then my mom moved a few feet away to talk to another patient and when her back was turned, the little old lady holding me got up and walked across the circle to show me to one of her friends. My mom about keeled over, but nobody was hurt. :)

[icunurse]

Okay, I am going to answer this from the heart and from the head. My heart says that Grandma would love to see the baby (as would others). DH's grandma died a few days after DS came home and I always wish she could have seen him (she was very sick and unresponsive when he was born, but if she had been alert...). My head says that at this young of an age, your DS is probably very unlikely to pass on any illness to the clients at the nursing home (a big concern when people take toddlers, older children). However, and I say this as someone who admits people into the ICU from nursing homes every day, there is a lot of ickyness and infection at nursing homes. Flu season is among us and when you have a large group of people with weakened immune systems in a limited area, it runs a higher risk of illness. But there are different levels of nursing homes and, as you can imagine, it is the ones with the sicker, more long-term clientele that has greater health issues. Would it be possible for Grandma to meet your DS in a private room? If not, just take precautions - good handwashing, limit visitors, etc...just like you probably do at home. Maybe ask one of the nurses her opinion on the matter and talk about your concerns. Trust me, if they think it is a bad idea for health reasons, they will let you know.
Traci
~Mom to DS 02/2004~
Hoping, waiting...

[maestramommy]

Dh's dad was in a nursing home for almost a year after a stroke, and he got one infection after the other. Even got pnemonia. IMO nursing homes are no safer than hospitals. I would wait til your baby is at least 8 weeks.

[kaylinsmommy2]

Well, this is a hard one. But I can tell you that I took DD to both nursing homes and hospitals when she was 4 months, 6 months, 12 months, 18 months, and 21 months. My dad was in the hospital, and my grandpa was in the nursing home. I know this is different then bringing a 3 week old, though.

Here's a tip that worked for us, though: at the nursing home, we got great-grandpa into a wheelchair and brought him out into the outdoor courtyard or in one of the front lounges, near the fresh air. We also stayed away from other patients.

Caroline
mommy to Kaylin 6/5/04

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/bunbunadb20040605_-9_Kaylin+is+now.png[/img][/url]

and one on the way, due 2/26/07

[robinsonbn]

Thank you for your posts. I didn't even think of people wanting to touch him. I did go in once when I was pregnant and a swarm of women asking me tons of questions and it was all I could do to politely keep them from touching my stomache. I am sure with an actual baby they would be worse. When, we visit we are usually outside. Even during the winter so that MIL can smoke (something else I don't want DS around). But that was before him and late october in ohio is already very chilly. Because we were usually outside I haven't spent much time inside so I am unsure about private rooms ect. I know MIL has a roomate though I am unsure why she is there. Anyway, I am going to ask my PED, though even if he says it is ok I think I will still be squimish about taking DS...when we do I will be passing around the Purel that is for sure. Oh, finally any advice on stalling DH, I know that sounds mean but MIL is allowed home for a few hours only on holidays and specail occaisions. So she will be home on Thanksgiving...if I were to stall till them would it be horribly wrong??

[randomkid]

No, it would not be wrong at all and that is what I would opt to do. Ask your ped and hopefully, he/she will tell you to wait. You could word it so it leads the ped in the direction that you want the answer to be. "We could take him now, or we could wait until Thanksgiving when he is older and she will be coming to the house", KWIM? Then, when you get the answer you are hoping for, you can tell DH that the ped advised you to wait.

I work in a hospital as well and we are starting to see infections that come from nursing homes that we don't even have in the hospital...yet. I agree with Traci about the ickiness of nursing homes. I wouldn't work in one and I definitely wouldn't take my newborn there if it were at all avoidable. Remember that older frail people are immunosupressed and carry more risk of infection, just like a newborn.

Good Luck and let us know what happens.

[ilovetivo]

I wouldn't and didn't (jan baby). My ped told us to wait. Plus aren't infants supposed to stay home the first 8 weeks or so? (or not be in crowded places). Plus it's flu and cold season. If you must, maybe you can meet in the lobby or something w/ no touching. We waited till it was warmer. Actually, I think she came to us once.

[jayali]

My son was 10 days old when I took him to see my mother in a nursing home. I never consulted with my ped, because I knew that my mother had to see my son. She was the only one who held him, kissed him and loved him that day. When she was tired he went into his stroller and slept right next to her wheel chair. He was a constant visitor there for the rest of her life (she died when he was 8 months old). I never let any other resident hold him because I was more afraid of them dropping him. I even would let him crawl on my moms bed when he became active. We never got sick, nor did my mom. It may have been just our luck, but I tell you even if he had gotten a cold it would have been worth it to me. The cold lasts a short time, but the memory of the joy that my mom got from seeing her grandson lives with me forever.

[JustMe]

Hmmn, you say she is allowed to leave for holidays and special occasions. Any chance the birth of her grandchild could be defined as a special occasion?

Robyn
single mommy to a 3 yr old from Guatemala

[shilo]

ok, you asked for honest opinions, so here is mine (you probably aren't going to like it):

yes, i would take my ds to visit his grandma
yes, i would feel wrong about waiting until thanksgiving
no, i would not stall dh

as someone who has worked extensively with the geriatric population (it was my clinical specialty before having my ds) i think you need to ask yourself a few things and make a few choices here.

- if it were your mother or father (or someone you cared deeply for) would you be so hesitant (not to imply you don't care deeply for your mil, but just something to ask yourself)? my memories of the pure, unadulterated joy all of my ds's grandparents experienced at meeting him are worth their weight in gold.

- can you put yourself in your DH's shoes for a few minutes and imagine how he must feel?

- be honest with yourself. how much (if any) of this is a fear of disease, of the aged/infirm, of mil and lastly, of the nursing home itself? our society has a pretty dim view of 'retirement' homes in general - a lot of it stemming from how they were 2 and 3 decades ago. most today are not the dark, smelly, scary places with moaning 'inmates' lined up out in the hallways not having their needs met. and yet, that is the stereotype that persists in a lot of peoples minds. maybe if you can identify which part/parts are scaring you about the visit, you can be more proactive about addressing them.

i know the mama bear instinct with such a new baby is overwhelming - we've all been there and it's intense! try, if you can, to think about how you would want your ds and his future family to treat you 30 years from now. i had zero fears about going to homes as part of my job while preggo - in fact, i personally think the grocery store, restaurants, shopping malls, airplanes, etc. are just as, if not more, germ prone. i can definitely tell you that 100% of the infections that are present in a nursing home, are brought in from outside - patient's returning from the hospital, family members coming to visit, employee's with sick kids coming to work, etc. - anything you can catch 'in' the home is something that you can and are exposed to on a regular basis 'outside' the home too.

i think if you really want your ds to see his grandma, there are ways to do it that will keep everyone very safe. the real question is, do you really want your ds to see/have a relationship with his grandma or not? while there are some nursing homes that are severely underfunded and understaffed opening them up to all sorts of substadard care, for the most part these are very few and far between in my experience. almost all of the homes i've ever been in have a conference room or private dining room or activity room that can be used for short get togethers. you need to get past your visions of a bunch of old, sick people passing your ds around and be proactive to make it an experience that lets you feel safe.

here is what i would do if it were me (and i say this having flown on a plane cross country with a 5 week old for a bf's wedding - i wasn't scared at all about entering a SNF for work while preggo, or even taking ds there when he was a month old, but flying is 10x worse on the germ factor in my book):

1) call and ask to speak with the 'activities director' at the facility. explain that you want ds to see his grandma, but because he is so young, would like some help to minimize his exposure to the building. ask him/her to arrange for a private meeting in one of the private rooms up front (ie. conference room, activity room, or even the administrator's office). when you arrive, have dh go in and find out where this room is, then come back and get you. you can go straight to the room without having to walk to grandma's room first. then if needed, dh can go get grandma, or a sharp activities director will already have staff on it to bring her to you. part of the activites director's job is to arrange things like this, so they should be very helpful to you.

2) ask dh to talk to mil honestly about not smoking right before seeing the baby. the only way he can help with this is if you are honest with him about your fears and what's keeping you from taking ds to visit his mom. take the bull by the horns and let him know you need some help from him to get over the hurdles that are keeping you from going. something like "mom, the pedi says it's really important for his little lungs not to be exposed to any second hand smoke. it would really help him if you could wait until after we visit to go outside and have your ciggarette."

3) do take the baby in in a carrier/stroller/sling - hang a blanket over the canopy if it makes you feel better. if anyone asks to see the baby, just say "oh he's sleeping right now" or, "i'm trying to get him to sleep a little bit"

4) do have grandma wash hands before touching the baby.

hth, and hope you can find peace with whatever decisions you and dh make.


Sam 5/19/05 How lucky I am that you chose me.

[JBaxter]

I took ds2 to UVA to visit my grandmother who had a stroke following her by pass surgery. On of the first things she asked when she was able to talk was .... Did Jeana have the baby how much did he weigh and when is she coming to see me. It was a 3hr drive but we did it w/ a 3yr old. I have some great pictures of her holding him. We visited several times until she was able to come home.

[Jen841]

IMO life is too short, run to the nursing home now if it is a clean facility. My grandma is currently in the cleanest nursing home I have ever seen. You can prevent touchers.

Jude met his great grandfather at a family wedding when he was 2 weeks old, and GG died unexpectedly 3 weeks later. I am so thankful I trusted my heart and went to the wedding.

Call ahead and make sure there is not an outbreak of anything going around. My grandma has been in assisted living and a nursing home over the last 2 years and they have both missed outbreaks! Cold/flu wise she has been the best in years... if only we could control strokes and falls!

The reaction of my Grandma and those we meet in the halls has been amazing... it will really warm your heart for going. They need young blood in those places.

[icunurse]

"i can definitely tell you that 100% of the infections that are present in a nursing home, are brought in from outside - patient's returning from the hospital, family members coming to visit, employee's with sick kids coming to work, etc. - anything you can catch 'in' the home is something that you can and are exposed to on a regular basis 'outside' the home too."

Actually, *most* of the infections -as far as colds - are brought from outside and spread, but things such as c-diff, MRSA, and others can start and spread just as easily in a nursing home setting as in a hospital setting (and there may be a higher risk of cross-infection in a nursing home setting, as most clients have roommates and the staff may not be as aware of problems as quickly). These bacteria can live easily on surfaces and, in the case of MRSA, it can be in the blood, in a wound, or in respiratory secretions.

Sorry, not trying to scare anyone or paint an ugly picture of nursing homes or hospitals, but this stuff is out there and becoming more common among people not even in a hospital or nursing home.

Traci
~Mom to DS 02/2004~
Hoping, waiting...

[mommy111]

Take him! Take a bottle of Purell or other hand sanitizer and take him. Don't let anyone else touch him, stay away from people with obvious colds and stuff, if anyone has to touch him, make them wash their hands AND use the sanitizer. Keep the visit limited to grandma's room instead of a common area. Or you may want to tell everyone at the nursing home (except grandma, of course) that HE has a staph infection and to stay away from him ;)
Great grandma obviously loves him very much to really really want to see him and he is fortunate to have a great grandma around....take a camera with you, it will make great photos!

[mmaimp]

I agree with contacting the Activities Director. If they are not helpful you can also ask Social Services for a private meeting area. I would also call to see if there is any illnesses going around right now. Call and speak to the Nursing Director.

I worked in Nursing Homes and Assisted Livings before becoming a SAHM and I took my older DS in for a visit when he was 6 weeks old. I did not let anyone touch him and washed my hands thoroughly after the visit.

Hope you and DH can come to an agreement on the visit,

[babybunny]

I know what it is like to feel a lot of pressure from a husband.
My FIL was very sick last month, and he ended up in ICU after a bout of pneumonia that led to kidney failure. He was not considered infectious at that time. We thought it was the end for him and flew across country to see him. My DH really wanted his father to see his grandson again. I had strong feelings against it. I asked my pediatrician who said that my son posed more of a risk to my FIL. The nurses in ICU suggested that we only bring him in for a few moments, carry him in, and don't let him crawl around on the floor and touch things. He actually had to stay quite a distance away to protect my FIL. My sister-in-law has two children (1 and 3), and her pediatrician recommended that they NOT go in to see her father. My brother in law only let his 8 year old son in with a mask on -- the two girls, 3 and 10 did not go in.

Let's put this into perspective though. My son is almost two, very healthly, in daycare (GERMS), and is still nursing. I know what it is like to feel a lot of pressure from a husband.

My son was born in November 2004. My pediatrician did not want my DS to see ANYONE at the Christmas holidays - or at least be in the same room of the family gathering as everyone else until he was at least 8 weeks old. Apparently it is considered quite serious if newborns pick up anything at this age -- a fever warrants a manadatory call/visit to the doctor. A cold is horrible because their nasal passages are so small.

Would I have brought my son in at that age? No.

There was another baby at in the ICU waiting room that did not go in. She was taken around to a window, and the patient could see her that way. Everyone involved seemed quite happy wih that option. That's what my sister-in-law ended up doing with her kids (1 and 3).

So I would wait until your baby could see her outside of the facility or through a window.

HTH

[Alice523]

I would do everything I could to make it an ideal visit for us and go. Even if you stay for a short time, the visit will make such a difference. I would not do it if I was told that DS would definitely get sick after the experience - I just think there are ways to do it and minimize the risk, and when weighed against the hurt feelings and the missed opportunity, I think going comes out on top.

Just my .02. I'm sorry that your family has to deal with this.

[randomkid]

I know you are getting a lot of opinions on both sides. I really like Robyn's idea of finding out if this qualifies as a special occasion and see if you can bring her home to see your DS. I know it's a lot of work to bring someone home from a nursing home, but maybe you would feel more at ease this way and there would be much less exposure for your DS.

[C99]

>I wouldn't and didn't (jan baby). My ped told us to wait.
>Plus aren't infants supposed to stay home the first 8 weeks or
>so? (or not be in crowded places).

Neither of my kids read that one. We took Nate to IKEA at 3 weeks (in February!) and Rose was out w/in days of coming home.

[crayonblue]

I probably would. We took Lauren to visit DH's grandmother who was in an Alzheimer's unit. The patients were so thrilled to see a baby. They started talking about their own kids and every face I saw was smiling. Considering these were people who most of the time couldn't remember anything, it was wonderful to hear memories return because of my baby. Granted, Lauren was a few months old, but I would have taken her younger. We took pictures of Lauren with her great-grandmother. I think these were the last pictures we have of DH's grandmother.

[shilo]

traci is right, i should have clarified my intent. i was think along the lines of viruses someone with an immature immune system could pick up airborne-wise. not sure what state the OP is in, but diagnosed bacterial infections like MRSA, c-diff, VRE, etc. are on contact isolation precautions in california skilled nursing facilities, which usually involves having to clear with the nsg. station before entering the room, universal precautions appropriate to the location of the infection (glove, gown mask, or a combo), etc, so not something the OP or other visitors would be exposed to in the type of visit we're talking about. but again, you are as likely to encounter these things on a shopping cart handle as you are in a health care setting, it's just that health care settings have a higher number of immune compromised hosts all in one place. this stuff is out there and is becoming more common - everywhere. i very much empathize with the OP on the instinct to keep her newborn close and safe, but with extenuating circumstances, there are ways to accomplish a visit without undue risk to herself or her child. sorry if i oversimplified with my previous statements.

lori
Sam 5/19/05 How lucky I am that you chose me.

[Moneypenny]

My step-father inspects nursing homes. Even if it's the cleanest nursing home in the world, I would only bring a 3-week old there for a very brief visit (15 minutes max) in a private room. Only MIL could hold her after washing her hands and I would thoroughly wash my hands as soon as we left.

I would feel the same if it were my mother in the nursing home.

Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif[/img][/url]

[KCR4]

The attached photo is my DS #3 visiting his paternal great-grandmother in her nursing home for the first (and last) time. She died 36 hours later.

He was exactly three weeks old.

I also debated bringing him that day. I did in part because hospice had told us that the end was near. I was glad I had this information. It was also summertime, so not flu season. He did NOT get sick, although I'm sure I washed my hands several times during the couple hours we were there. I wasn't worried though, and left feeling comfortable I'd made the right choice.

Hugs,
Karen

DS #1 7-01
DS #2 10-03
DS #3 7-06

[kaylinsmommy2]

Aww. That's such a sweet picture. Your DS looks huge in that picture. :) I'm sure that his great grandmother appreciated that visit, and I'm sure that your DS will appreciate that picture when he's older.

Caroline
mommy to Kaylin 6/5/04

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/bunbunadb20040605_-9_Kaylin+is+now.png[/img][/url]

and one on the way, due 2/26/07

[jayali]

Karen,

Thank you for sharing that picture. It is so beautiful that I have tears in my eyes. I LOVE looking at the pictures of my mom the first time she saw Matthew. She was in her wheelchair and the look on her face was priceless. These are the true "kodak moments".

Thanks again for sharing.

[pb&j]

Thank you so much for sharing that photo. We've taken DS several times to see his great-grandpa in the nursing home, and I'd trade any kind of flu for the look on my grandfather's face when he sees Max. Honestly, DS gets more germs from daycare than from the nursing home.


-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/35775.gif
http://b1.lilypie.com/aKGqm5/.png[/img] ([img)

[pb&j]

>I wouldn't and didn't (jan baby). My ped told us to wait.
>Plus aren't infants supposed to stay home the first 8 weeks or
>so? (or not be in crowded places).

Oops, yet again, I've ruined DS for life. We took him to Target in January when he was probably not yet two weeks old.

-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/35775.gif
http://b1.lilypie.com/aKGqm5/.png[/img] ([img)

[Puddy73]

I don't have anything new to add to this topic, but I just wanted to say that is the sweetest picture! Absolutely priceless.

Jennifer
Mommy to Annabelle 9/08/03 & Finn 10/31/05

"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." - Jimmy Buffett

[robinsonbn]

Awe that pic and story made me cry!

[mommyoftwo]

I just want to pipe in here and say that you just never know how much time you have left. It was only an hour between the time I found out yesterday that my grandma was sick and the time that I got the call saying that she had died. Fortunately, we had just gone to visit her when we were at my other grandma's funeral six weeks ago. She was fine when we say her. I certainly understand your concerns, but I would go. You don't want to have any regrets later.

[R2sweetboys]

I personally, would take him in for a visit. Many PPs have offered some great ideas already on how you could do so in a way that might make you feel comfortable. We took DS1 into a nursing home at about a week old. I was a social worker there until he was born and we wanted to visit some co-workers. Honestly, we really weren't worried about it. He stayed in his carseat and it was a short visit. Our nursing homes here also have contact precautions for the big stuff(MRSA,etc.),so these infections are contained to the resident's room. Of course, there's always the possibility of people being out and about with colds,etc. but that is the case ANYWHERE you go. I'd be sure to wash your hands afterwards to be safe, but again, that's something you should do in regular daily life at home anyway. Our ped. has never told us to stay home for 8 weeks(or any length of time for that matter) after birth.

If you're still not comfortable with bringing him there, I would really try to arrange a home visit for MIL. "MIL is ALLOWED home for a few hours only on holidays and specail occaisions." This is a little disturbing to me. Hopefully, it's just a misunderstanding because I don't think that a nursing home can dictate when a person is allowed to leave the facility for a visit.(at least in my experience) Just because she lives there to receive extra medical care does not mean that the facility has control over her every move. She can still make decisions for herself and if she wants to leave for a home visit she can. It's her right. They can not dictate that she can only leave on holidays. I just wanted to let you know that so you're not thinking that Thanksgiving is the earliest she can leave.(unless your family is unable to accomodate that) Hopefully you and DH can work something out so everyone is happy. :)

~Leslie

SAHM to...
Ryan 8/14/00
Matthew 2/14/03

[sdbc]

I have to say, I agree on this. The first things that came to my mind is "what if it were your mom?" and "what would you want your son to do if it were you?"

Contacting the director and limiting exposure to other residents is a really good idea. Also, if she is allowed to leave the NH for holidays, I certainly think the birth of a grandchild qualifies. I'd look into this option, as well.


Sue, mommy to Aurora (Rory) born 5/13/04