OT-Would you want to know?

[bostonsmama]

Edited to remove specifics and protect any feelings in case she wanders onto this site. Thanks for all the great advice, though!

Larissa

[buddyleebaby]

Honestly, I wouldn;t say anything. I am sure that she already knows her husband is a shmuck.

[Jenn98]

If it were me I'd avoid this situation like the plague. You do not want to be involved in the office politics of your DH's workplace. I totally get where you are coming from and I think the wife has a right to know, but I'm not sure it's your place to tell her. Take it from me, your DH's coworkers are not the same kind of friends as the rest of your IRL friends - it can get very sticky very quickly and cause a lot of hurt feelings and might even end relationships/friendships. I vote for Stay Out of It, simply to CYA.

[Momof3Labs]

Not your place to say something about this. If it comes from someone else, oh well. But your DH can and should stand up for himself and not allow himself to be bullied into staying around and watching tv if he wants to go home once his work is done.

[Mommy_Again]

I'm just checking in quickly and wanted to say that I LOVED seeing your name pop up. miss you tons and I owe you an email.

[pb&j]

>Honestly, I wouldn;t say anything. I am sure that she already
>knows her husband is a shmuck.


Yeah, what she said.

-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/35775.gif
http://b1.lilypie.com/aKGqm5/.png[/img] ([img)

[maestramommy]

At first I was gonna say the wife has a right to know, but after reading the responses, I tend to agree that she might already know, or at least have an inkling. I mean, the guy hasn't done a friggen thing to help out with any of the kids, so by now I'm sure she's cottoned on to him. I must say though, seeing as she's just given birth it takes some extra schmukiness to pull this now. I also think somehow you Dh (and all the other coworkers) need to stand up to the boss and not be dragged into staying with him. If his reviews don't come from him, it shouldn't matter.

[trumansmom]

Ditto.

Blech. What an ass.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[Melanie]

I would stay out of it, but your hubby needs to figure out how to get out of there when the work day is done.

[megs4413]

what would really help is if someone talked to that MAN!

i'm a little embarassed to say that we had a similar situation in our marriage with my DH after DD was born. He was not into taking care of her....it took him a LOOOOONG time to adjust to the fact that just because i was at home all day and he went to work, didn't mean he was off all night and i just stayed on duty constantly. he made every excuse he good to get out of spending time with us then. It's not like that now, but it took some other Dad friends of his to set him straight on what he was missing and what he was doing wrong. Me "nagging" him or fighting with him about it didn't seem to get through. If this man has a close enough coworker who might be able to bring it up, that might be the way to go. But i wouldnt' talk to the wife about it. She probably knows he's avoiding her.....the best thing you could do for her is offer to lend a hand! babysit the two older ones so she can have some alone time with her new one...it would be a BLESSING for her....

ETA: Dh is a great Daddy now...he still works too much, but it's hard to live on one income! and he spends every free second he has with us....and changes diapers!!!

[momma_boo]

I know this is going to sound odd, but she may not want to know.
If her husband is that much of a jerk, it may just be easier that he's not home. I know it sounds nuts, but there are nights when things are easier for me when DH is not home. I don't have to worry about making dinner (one night when DH was working late, I made belgian waffles for dinner. the girls LOVED it). Plus, there is less frustration at having him at home loafing around when she is so busy.

But definitely keep it to yourself.

[Puddy73]

I wouldn't say anything to her about it. Like the pps said, she must already know what kind of guy he is. But I'm sure she'd love a friendly call from you or an offer of help. She is probably feeling overwhelmed and exhausted right now.

Jennifer
Mommy to Annabelle 9/08/03 & Finn 10/31/05

"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." - Jimmy Buffett

[VClute]

Larissa, this is so weird. My husband works in a similar situation to yours, and he once had a boss like this, too. His boss would even go in on the weekends just to get away from his wife. (He also had a little fridge stocked with beer and snacks and a tv for sports-watching.)

At unit get-togethers they spent a lot of time apart, too, and I think they both liked it that way. I wouldn't say anything to the wife, and if one of the other wives does, that's up to her.

Just count yourself lucky that your DH recognizes that this is NOT appropriate behavior.

And, honestly, I had a girlfriend who bargained with her husband, too: Let me have a baby and I'll let you buy a Harley. Since his Harley obsession took him away from home a lot, she ended up taking care of baby all by herself, too. I don't think she made a very healthy bargain - She bargained away quality time with Daddy for her baby in order to get a CHAIR?! It's not like she was trading dish duty.

Amy in NC
mom to Dixon, born 2/14/05
...and a sequel! Due 3/30/07

[bubbaray]

Ditto -- exactly my thoughts


Melissa

DD#1: 04/2004

http://bd.lilypie.com/SasRm7.png

[jgiovagn]

I wouldn't say anything either. I would like to know why she wanted to have 2 more kids with this schmuck.

And, like the pp said, he may be a schmuck, but what is SHE doing trading caregiving of a child for a piece of furniture?

It's all very odd and sad. I hope he realizes what he's missing and I hope she doesn't resent the lack of help (and nurturing) at home.

Good luck to you - not an easy situation...

Jean

[chiqanita]

I think she must have an inkling of what her DH is doing. I think wives have instinct about stuff like that. Heck, maybe she's glad to have Mr Macho Shauvinist hubby out of her way.

So, no, I wouldn't say anything to her. I would encourage DH to cut out of work as soon as his work is done or quitin' time comes around. Oh, and not to hang around that 'big weenie' if he can help it.


etc spelling

[mommy111]

ITA. She prob already knows.

[KBecks]

It's not your business.

[starrynight]

I avoid getting into office politics, especially in the military. One other wife never minded and it came back on her husband that his wife couldn't keep her mouth shut or mind her own business. I think it's best to avoid the situation. Personally I would rather NOT know if I was the wife. I've had 3 kids 4 and under and the last thing I would have needed was to hear my husband didn't want to be around me with everything else on my plate at that time in my life.

I'm sure she knows he's a jerk. I'm just surprised she didn't stop having kids with him. Mine won't help either but he is slightly better than that, I told him to get his plumbing fixed or he could sleep on the couch. I would have more kids but not without help so we stopped.

I think the guy is being a jerk to make everyone else stay if work is over with, he should let them go, he can stay as long as he wants to without keeping them.

I think someone should clue him in if he didn't keep staying out so late so she has no break then maybe she wouldn't nag as much!

[JFC]

Larissa -

I hate to echo everyone else, but I agree to stear clear from this one...and give your sweet DH a big hug! Reading that made me remember what a great DH I have...;-)

I am thrilled to *see* you!

[bostonsmama]

Thanks for all the input, mamas. I was actually terrified you all were going to say you'd want to know, b/c I had no idea how I would have told her. An IRL friend of mine said the same thing: don't get caught in the crosshairs!

I did, however, ask my DH to get one of the papas in the shop to read him the riot act for being such a loser. My hope is that if the good dads in the shop wax poetic about how much a woman needs and appreciates help from their spouses, that he'll feel peer pressured into doing *something* to help her out. He loves his kids (emotionally) and he and his wife have a decent relationship, I'm just not sure how the whole not helping out thing flies with her. That'd be a deal breaker for me!!

Anyways, thanks again, and pardon me while I remove specifics from the original post to protect her identity in case she ever checks in here (LOL-as if she has the time or energy w/ a new baby & kiddos).

L