Update: Need support: I am in pieces about what happened with my soon to be ex-dcp

[JustMe]

Update:

Thanks SO much for all of the support.

Well as of today, I have dd enrolled in a safe place that she can go to for the next 2 weeks. It is not a long term option for us...but, in 2 weeks there will be an opening in a preschool I was interested in anyway! I called her darling (not!) dcp and told her dd would not be back, requested that she tells me how much I owe her, and told her I would send her a check in the mail! I am still woozy from the whole thing, but am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Robyn
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Dd has been in the same since a month after she came home from Guatemala 2.5 years ago at 11 mos of age. It is an in-home setting, and I have never been thrilled with dcp's limit setting abilities (or lack of them), but there was lots of nurturing and dd quickly became attached and does not do well with transitions, losses of people, etc.

Dd is now 3 months shy of turning 4. Lately she has been telling me lots of stories about a girl who is about 6 months older than her saying lots of bully-like things to dd. Yes, I know this only child is only 4, but she does have an older sister and I am pretty sure she is repeating thing to her. I had instructed dd to tell this child that she does not like the way she is talking to her and that she would not play with her until she stopped. However, I also asked dcp several times to confirm if certain things were true, which she mostly did. In the past two weeks dd has either told me she was bitten by a different child (age 2) or I have found a bite mark on her several times. I asked dcp what happened, once she did not know about it, once she confirmed that the other child did it, etc. Last night I called to find out if dd had been bitten, after dd told me she had been, because dd cannot distinguish between today, tomorrow, two weeks ago, etc. Dcp's husband answers the phone, says dcp is not home (I have not called their home a lot in the evenings plus dd does care for some children in the evenings). I tell him I want to talk with dcp as I want to know if dd was bitten. He says "I am sure she was. X bites all the time. I don;t know what you want us to do". I say "I dont know but I just want to know if it happened. He replies that maybe dd needs a more structured daycare setting. I am floored and just get off the phone asap. This morning I take dd to daycare and talk with dcp about my conversation with her husband. She asks if I knew dd hit this same child yesterday, and I say I didnt. I leave and go to work wondering what else I dont know. This evening I pick dd up, and make a big deal about how I will ask dd questions before we leave, so I dont have to wonder if dd is telling me the truth when we get home. We discuss what happens that day. Dcp confirms or corrects dd accordingly. While putting dd to bed, I get a message from dcp that she has talked to her husband and she is too stressed by having to answer my questions on a daily basis. That she believes kids do this stuff (I do too, I want to know about it though), and she shouldnt have to deal with me being the way I am about it. Also, she says I called her a liar. I should call her back, because she thinks she needs to give me 2 weeks notice to have dd out.

I call her, say we will be out if she wants us to, say I dont think she is a liar and that;s why I ask her if what dd says is true, she says that I do think she is a liar, etc, etc. She tells me she cannot stop X from biting and cannot ask him to leave for biting(ummmn, I didnt ask her to), etc, etc, She says that she is afraid of what I will do if something happens to dd. I tell her I have no idea what she is talking about, I have never threatened you, etc.

So, now I am so upset that dcp does not think that I have the right to know if dd has been biten. NOw I have 2 weeks to find chidcare, and am a single working mom. Not to mention that dd is very attached to this woman, and soon will never see her again. I always thought we would visit when the time came for dd to leave her care (as there are other kids who occasionally do). I just don't know how dd will do with the loss or transition....

Thanks if you have made it through this whole mess. Its almost 1am and I should be sleeping, but I cant stop crying. I know that it is a blessing in surprise, but...

Robyn
single mommy to a 3 yr old from Guatemala

[kedss]

Hi Robyn--

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. Your DCP should be able to tell you what happens with your daughter while she is watching her, even if it means writing down everything that is going on.

Of course you have the right to know when your daughter has been injured, when you are not around. That's ridiculous. It's hard when kids get to the age where they can communicate, but aren't sure how to tell what happened chronologically. Maybe you can talk to your DCP face to face on Monday and see if things can calm down, but I would seriously try to find a different kind of setting for your DD. I have to say kids got bitten in daycare settings where I worked, it does happen, but there are definitely better ways of handling it than the way your DCP did.

Big hugs, mama!

[DebbieJ]

What a horrible situation! My neighbor is in a similar boat right now (dd being bitten at an inhome day care) and she pulled her dd out and I've been helping her piece together care in the meantime.

You have a right to know what happens to your daugher on a daily basis. Your DCP is way out of line.

I hope you are able to find a solution soon!

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[hez]

Lots of hugs, Robyn. My dcp was seriously thinking about 'retiring' in January (phew, she's staying on for 2 more years 'til her youngest graduates from HS), and it scared me silly to think that I wouldn't have a lot of time to transition Payton to another setting.

I think you have every right to expect to know what went on in your child's life that day. The mother of a little guy who had an on-again, off-again biting habit apologized to us several times and even asked our advice for how to stop it. We all worked together on it with our dcp. Similarly, we work on Payton's behavior if he's been in time out that day (not often, thankfully) or had to spend some quiet time 'cause he got too wound up indoors. I still ask how long he slept for every day, and what he ate so I know what kind of appetite to expect for dinner, and how early he'll need to crash. Parents need to know this kind of info-- it's not asking too much.

Two weeks is not a lot of time (for you!)-- hoping you will find something sooner rather than later to ease the transition for you all.

(((hugs)))

[punkrockmama]

Oh Robyn, I'm sorry you are stuck in this situation. I think it's really not fair for that woman to do this to you. Is it this woman's job to make sure nobody ever gets hurt (physically or feelings)? Nope, nobody can stop kids from *ever* hitting, biting, or taking toys away. BUT it is her job as a daycare provider to be aware of what's going on while your daughter and everyone else's kids are in her care and preventing/correcting it when it does occur (duh). She's TOTALLY copping out by trying to put this on you. I mean really, how dare you be a good mother and be concerned and invovled in what happens to your child <insert eye rolling smilie>

And it sucks big time that you have to find a new daycare, I'm sure it must be a scary thing right now. Here's to you finding a new place that both you and your sweetie girl can feel comfy and secure. Hugs to you mama.

[JustMe]

Thanks so much for all of the replies. I really need the support. I have been up all night, with lots of crying. I just can't believe that the woman I trusted to care for my child does not think I have the right to be told and ask questions when my child is being bitten, or hurting other children. I have worked in preschool settings (actually with children who have behavioral and emotional difficulties), so I totally understand that not everything can be controlled. I have had parents be furious about something that has happened to their child, and I feel I was extremely reasonable in what I said to dcp as I am sensitive about this issue. I did not ask lots of questions about the other children, nor say what she should or shouldn't do.

On the bright side, I most likely do have something temporary in place already. An ex-coworker gave me her dcp's number, and safety is a key issue. Everyone says that this co-worker searched the city for the perfect place for her dc. There are lots of other positives, but there are a few things that I already know wouldn't work well long term for us. Not to mention that it is extremely pricey and I cannot afford it. Is my child worth it? Yes. Do I have the money? No. and I also believe there are other places in town that are good and not SO expensive. I just have to find them and then may have to wait for them.


Thanks again,
Robyn

[buddyleebaby]

Hugs, mama. You did nothing wrong. It is outrageous that you even had to ASK her about what happened. When there was any sort of incident in my classroom, I walked the child out to their parent and told them about it, and answered any questions they had. You should not have to hear it from dd, and your dd should not have to tolerate being bitten on a regular basis.

[missym]

Robyn, I know this is a very stressful situation, and I feel for you since we just went through something similar in leaving our dcp suddenly. However, I think this provider has just told you everything you need to know about her commitment to you and your child. If she's not willing to communicate freely and honestly with you about something as commonplace as biting, then what else might she withhold from you?

I thought Gwen in particular would be very upset and stressed about going to another sitter so suddenly, but honestly she's adjusted beautifully. She had been at the previous dcp for over three years, and I thought she'd ask a lot about her and the other kids, but she really hasn't. I lost sleep over it, but the girls are obviously happier with the new sitter and DH and I are too. I hope you're able to find a new dcp who will be a better fit for you both.

Missy, mom to Gwen 03/03 and Rebecca 09/05

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[jesseandgrace]

Robyn,

This dcp is not doing a good job, biting can be worked on, you remove the child who is biting and provide something for them to either bite on or that will take their attention. It isn't always perfect, kids get bitten, but parents shoud be told every time. You handled it really well, you asked questions, you gave it a chance. but really she doesn't sound like she is very professional. This is a terrible situation because you are being dealt with in an unfair manner, but my advice is move on fully and completely. I was very concerned when my ds was this age that he stay with his daycare even though I didn't really like it, he seemed to. My dh switched jobs and there was an onsite staff daycare with only about 5 kids. I didn't even move ds because I had the same concerns you have. Then, I had a trial or something at work (can't remember, but it was important) and I had arranged for ds to go to his daycare on a day that wasn't his usual day, and I had paid and everything. When I got there they said they were full and he couldn't stay. I was pretty mad, but I had to send ds somewhere because I could not miss that particular day, so off he went to the daycare at my husbands work (with me worrying the whole time). He never went back to the old daycare, and not because I was still mad or anything, but because from minute one I realized (and so did he) how much better the new place was. He was happy every single day in the new place, it was much better. You will find somewhere much better for your daughter where bullying and biting are re-directed, and she doesn't have to fend for herself. If your daughter is nervous in new situations you can probably expect some tears for a little while, but just wait it out and remain really positive about the new place. I really believe that in a few months you will be thankful that this happened in such a way as to force change because things will be so much better. I agree with your ex dcp that children do these things, but her lack of any work to help re-direct or help with the bullying is really unacceptable. It is a terrible lack of good role modeling, and you are better off. She might not be a bad person, but she doesn't sound like a good teacher.

[kijip]

It does not sound like it is a state regulated or licenced center. Most states require incident notification or reports for bites/bruises/accidents etc. It sucks that you have to find a new place but hopefully you will be able to find a more professional DCP. You deserve an explaination for marks on your child's body, plain and simple. And if your DD is hitting kids at school, it would stand to reason that the DCP would want to let you know about it so you could talk to your child about not hitting instead of the DCP whipping that out as a defense when asked about biting.

[clc053103]

I read your entire story, and I have to say I see nothing wrong in any of your actions. Nothing. Most not-in-home day care providers provide a written report of daily events which would give such issues as biting etc. For your DCP not to want to even verbally report such happenings, well, that doesn't sit well with me.

The fact that she states she is worried about what you will do if DD gets hurt shoots up a huge red flag for me. Makes me feel they have something to hide, or something at stake. Are they not certified, or getting paid under the table? Should something more serious happen, do they have the proper insurance?

While I agree two weeks notice is really short to find a new provider, it seems moving DD to a more structured setting could really benefit you in the end. AFter a few years here, I think DCP owes you far more than 2 weeks notice. PErhaps you can get an agreement, one more month even, so you can find a new suitable DCP.

Good luck to you, Robyn! May you find a wonderful, nurturing environment for DD!

[JustMe]

Thank you so much for all of the support. Every little bit helps.

DCP is state regulated as a family dcp! I forget if she is certified or registered, as I think there are different levels, but I only looked at provders that were state regulated. Someone said I should report this, but I just feel they will say something different when someone shows up to talk to them.


Robyn
single mommy to a 3 yr old from Guatemala

[sdoyle]

Ditto the above completely! The dcp's actions speak volumes about her commitment to you.

Also, not to try to discount your concern for your daughters feelings about leaving that provider, but would you want to go somewhere you had to worry about being bitten everyday? It doesn't sound like this is an isolated incident and if your daughter is starting to hit, maybe she's doing it for a reason. Maybe she's frustrated and doesn't feel like the dcp is taking care of it either. A change might be exactly what she needs!

I hope this works out for you. I was a basketcase while looking for daycare but like you said, this could be a blessing in disguise!

Here's hoping a FABULOUS dcp lands in your lap. Keep us updated!!

Stacy

[daisymommy]

Good golly miss molly!!!

When I worked in daycare, these were some of our policies:

-Everyone took a class in how to help prevent biting from occuring in the classroom, because it's a common problem with small children, but the occurence can be prevented much of the time.

-If a child was bitten, an injury report was given to the parents of both the child who was bitten, AND the child who did the biting. We never named names, just mentioned "another child in class" did the biting.

-If a child bit someone three times within a certain length of time (I cannot remember how long it was)--they had to stay out of daycare for a day or so to "regroup" and make sure that there wasn't some other issue going on that needed to be handled.

-Once, we had a child who had been been bit numerous times (not sure what the deal was here, it wasn't my classroom), but child-protective-services was called and our day care center was slapped with a fine and a citation! So, this is NOT just something to be blown off by people.


As I see it, there definetly can be something done differently in this situation, and you have very right to be uspet!

[Melanie]

I'm so sorry, it souunds to me like she ought to be out of that place anyhow.

"That she believes kids do this stuff (I do too, I want to know about it though), and she shouldnt have to deal with me being the way I am about it."

Ds has never bitten another child, nor has he ever been bitten by one. Also this seems like an unusual behavior for 4 year old!

[newnana]

Glad to hear you have some good options! You are doing the right thing!
Michelle

[JFC]

Robyn, Thanks for posting your update - I've been thinking about you and your dilema. I'm glad you were able to figure it all out...I totally think you are doing the right thing NOT sending DD back to the DCP. Good luck with the new DCPs!