Is it me or is this tacky??

[oliviasmomma]

I have an aunt and uncle who are about 10 years older than me and their son is 6. They are much better off than we are financially, so it always feels a bit weird to give gifts to their son. He is absolutely showered with presents at Christmas and birthdays--as in more than 50 gifts at his birthday, and easily twice that at Christmas between his parents, aunts and uncles and grandparents. When we buy gifts for him at Christmas (everyone buys for each other's children) I try to stay conservative because 1. we can't afford it 2. he really doesn't seem to notice anyway and 3. his parents don't notice or appreciate it either. So, basically we buy mostly out of obligation. Before Olivia, I liked buying because hey, it's fun to buy kids stuff, but now it is harder to justify.

Given the circumstances above, I am really taken aback by the request for gifts this year. His parents are asking that everyone just give cash. Cash? CASH? They feel like their son doesn't need all of the gifts and his grandparents and parents will still give him things to open at the party. They said they'll just put the money toward his (very expensive) private school tuition. I'm sorry, but this it kind of the end for me. I could see saying that no gifts are necessary or asking that everyone keep the cost below $10. I get not wanting clothes you don't like or toys you can't stand, but I guess I look at gifts as that, gifts, and other than my parents and a few others who ask what DD needs, I just take it with a smile and regift if it isn't for us. I have a hard time giving cash to the child of people who make easily 4X what we do--it makes the whole thing just seem stupid.

I wish this segment of my family could do what another part of my family does. At Christmas parties, each child's parents bring a gift for their child to get from "Santa" to open at the party. All the parents contribute to the kids activity like cookie decorating and that's it. It isn't as lavish, but at least it doesn't seem like a big present grab.

[redhookmom]

I can see why you think that is tacky! Hmmm, maybe you could get a pencilbox filled with school supplies and some "lunch money."

[MissyAg94]

Oh, I think that is soooo tacky! Give a gift to a children's charity in his name. They need the money more than he does. I've heard of "no gifts please" but "cash only" is pretty bold. :)

[kimbe]

I couldn't agree more. The obviously don't understand what Christmas (or any gift giving event) really means.

I wouldn't even give a gift to charity in his name. Give it in your name! If they said cash only, well, if you don't want to give cash, that sounds like no gift to me! (insert evil laugh!)

Way tacky and ungracious! (If ungracious is even a word!!) Can you imagine if you read that on a wedding invitation?

[maestramommy]

I totally hear you on this. My SIL was complaining a few years ago that Christmas at her in-laws was getting out of hand because the kids got way too many gifts, and at the end of the day they were just fried.

Ha ha! I agree with the pp about giving school supplies! You get a lot for $10. It can't be any tackier than what they're doing, and hopefully it'll get the point across.

[DebbieJ]

Wow, that is ridiculous.

I like the one gift from Santa idea along with a children's activity. I'm going to have to remember that.

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[bubbaray]

If it were me, I'd give a nominal gift in the child's name to charity. I wouldn't give cash, especially in the circumstances you describe. I can't imagine asking for cash!


Melissa

DD#1: 04/2004

http://bd.lilypie.com/SasRm7.png

[gr8danemom]

I agree, when you ask for cash for your kid, it's tacky. I don't think I would give anything at all personally.

[JustMe]

Wow, very tacky. Only not tacky when the family is in financial need and needs the money for something more basic!

Robyn

[Fairy]

Yes, it's tacky. How 'bout give nothing and see how that goes over.

[MommyAllison]

It's not you, that is really tacky. Ick.

Allison
Mama to DD 11/05

[kcandz]

That is super tacky. What your family does sounds really nice. But that isn't this part of the family, so you would not be in a good position to suggest it? Just checking.

Anyway, because the parents are super tacky doesn't mean the 6 year old is. While the parents may make 4x what you do, maybe their cost of living is 5x yours. It probably isn't, but you get my point, which is we never truly know what is going on in another family.

In that you felt you bought out of obligation, maybe for you and for him, you could all rediscover the joy of gifts and giving? I was thinking something like a piece of artwork your DC made, that you framed, or made together, like a game? In high school (when I had way, way more time) I made my cousin what was basically a homemade version of chutes and ladders. It was really fun to do and he really used it, according to his mom anyway. Hey, maybe I should ask her again now to see how true that really was....but this isn't about me. Or maybe get him a potted plant that he has to care for, that isn't just another toy.

Long winded response, but boiled down, if it were me I would not give cash if at all possible because I would not give the parents the reward for being tacky. I would rather buy him one of his "few" presents to open or find a low cost/high meaning solution that does not seemingly "punish" the boy for his parents' transgression.

Respectfully submitted.

[sidmand]

Yes, it is tacky, but as a small voice of dissent...this is what DH always wants to do, but I won't (usually) let him because I think it sounds tacky, but...

I would honestly rather no presents at all, but DH doesn't feel we can say that either. I would rather get a) cash to put in DS's college fund or b) no gifts

Because just like you said, DS has way too many things, people buy him way too many things that I wouldn't get him anyway, and he doesn't notice them. Many people have said to me that what are they supposed to buy DS because I've usually already bought it. But I've also already researched the heck out it and bought what I think is the most developmentally appropriate, best thing to get him.

We don't want or need any more small, noisy, electronic, plastic toys. And that's what he's going to get—IFKWIM.

So, I would rather than if someone really wants to get him something, they get him something useful—like his college education. But that in no way means that I'm expecting that they have to. For his 1st birthday we either asked for very few gifts or got that word out, so he only got a handful of things and some people did give money for the future.

Again, maybe that's not what your aunt and uncle are doing, maybe they're forcing the cash.

I would rather just do one gift too, but I realize people like buying kids' gifts. FWIW, we always give my nieces cash too (since they were very little) figuring they're getting a ton of gifts they won't use for very long, but the cash can be saved.

Debbie
http://b2.lilypie.com/BI7Tm5.png

[jennifer_r]

Very tacky. My SIL asks for cash only for her kids for Christmas and their birthdays. One of the years she complained very loudly to the one person (her stepmom) who gave her clothes ("BUT IT'S CLOTHES - I'M GOING TO HAVE TO RETURN IT") - btw, they were cute clothes. Anyway, we give cash but only because we like my brother (sigh, why is he married to her?!?) and we didn't want to cause trouble for him. That said, I love the idea of giving money to a charity. One of the PP mentioned giving school supplies - that's a good idea too. A compromise might be to give a "gift card" to a Staples or similar store that sells school supplies.

BTW, we are more "fortunate" than most of our family and we always tell people that "gifts are not necessary" (but we never tell them cash only!!!!).

Jennifer

Mom to:
Christopher 12/29/89
Adelaide 8/23/04
Bronwyn 11/9/05

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_garnet_6m.gif[/img][/url]

[oliviasmomma]

I get what you're saying, and yes, although their income is higher tham ours, so is their lifestyle. I also think the spending/materialism is starting to get in the way of their marriage, so I wouldn't trade places with them for a second. I love your suggestions, but unfortunately this segment of the family wouldn't get it at all. (Although I'm filing the plant idea in the back of my mind for DD one day!)

I don't think he would be punished by not getting a gift from us because he doesn't even know who gives him what. (His parents don't help in that regard, either...) Still, I have the same problem of not getting anything for him. The other issue is that as Olivia gets older, I'd like her to be able to give a gift to her cousins, KWIM?

ETA: I am a "junior" member of this part of my family and don't have a lot of say-so...

[oliviasmomma]

I LOVE the evil laugh--thanks for the early morning smile! :)

[oliviasmomma]

I keep coming back to this! I think it is a good idea. Maybe I'll fill a pencil box and then give some "Just Fruits"--I was thinking about these anyway since they are so good. It would make a nice gift bag!

[oliviasmomma]

One year one of the other kids in my family was crying that she didn't want to open any more gifts. It is that bad, and it really does get out of hand!

[oliviasmomma]

It a lot more fun! Even when I was a preteen I didn't realize my mom was the one buying the gift, lol! I never saw her bring it in, so how would I know?

[oliviasmomma]

The funny thing is, I think when people are in the circumstance they are less likely to ask for cash, you know?

[sdbc]

I haven't read the opther responses, but I'd say that you have just as much say as anyone about what happens at the family party. Why not suggest the idea of a grab bag?

If not, I think it is completely appropriate to give the child a card with a 5 or 10 dollar bill tucked inside. More would be excessive, in my opinion.

[oliviasmomma]

I think I'll try to bring up a grab bag at Thanksgiving, it is another good idea--but I kind of think it won't happen. We started to limit adult gifts to gift bags. They went from a few cookies and maybe a candle to last year when DH and I received ten bottles of (expensive) wine among other things.

[sdbc]

We got a wedding invite that said this!!!

[oliviasmomma]

It's funny, becasue I though of you when I posted this--I remember your birthday post. ITA about the noisy, plastic toys, but I think that outside immediate family it is just kind of tacky to ask for $$.

[oliviasmomma]

OMG, that's awful! I hope my post didn't sound like an indictment of people with more $$ than us. Most of our relatives are in the same economic level as this family, but for this particular family. the disconnect between their lives and how other people live is so obvious. For them, $20 (which was the suggested amount) in a card is no bog deal, a token gift. For us, multiplied by all of the kids in our family, it is a huge amount!

We have other relatives who might feel the same way but would never say anything about it.

[pb&j]

I totally understand what you're saying, and agree.

But you're not out there sending notes to family asking for $$ to cover private school tuition. I assume that, like the rest of us, you take what's given gracefully and with thanks. :)

To the OP, yes, it's incredibly tacky.


-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/35775.gif
http://b1.lilypie.com/aKGqm5/.png[/img] ([img)

[SnuggleBuggles]

Just wanted to take a slightly different angle here...(I haven't read all the replies yet as I should be getting ds ready for school :))

I agree that it is tacky to ask for cash to be used towards his school. I could see it though if he was saving up for something. I know I am pitching in money for my nephew so he can get the new Play Station 3.

The poor kid. He is just 6yo. I think it would stink to be a little kid and not get anything for Christmas. I would still buy him whatever you would like. Keep it under $10 if money is tight.

Ok, now my different take...are you so sure they are that much better off? Maybe they have school loans to pay off? Their salaries may be higher but maybe their take home isn't as high as you think? Maybe they are just totally overextended and way over their heads in debt?

That's not a goos reason stil to take Christmas away from their kid. If they can't afford the school they are sending him to then they need to work that out in other ways. Maybe they could ask for money for their gifts, right?

It is tacky but maybe there is more to the picture.

Beth

[Jenn98]

To me this is a pretty simple question. If they wrote "Cash Only" on the invite, that's tacky. If you asked what he wants/needs and they said cash, that is totally appropriate. I think it comes down to if it was a solicited response or if they just sent out word. JMHO

Oh, and I'd just bring a small gift of art supplies - that's my staple gift! Or you could give a gift certif to a book store, or buy a good children's book.

[emilyf]

tacky, tacky. I like the idea of $5 in a card. Kind of gets the point across. I also think the fact that it's for tuition is particularly offensive-the gift should be for the kid, not to make the parents life easier imo.
Emily mom of Charlie born 11/02 and Zoe born 9/05

[lizajane]

that makes me want to HURL! how about, "no gifts please, we are blessed with so much..." but CASH????? are you KIDDING ME????? we have too much, so give us MONEY??

blech. don't give them anything. how about a card.

[Lovingliv]

This is so tacky it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. IF it was a solicited "what can I get junior for his birthday/holiday?" and the parents told you what they wanted,,,,,ok.
If this is just a "get me this", I would get them NOTHING.

A gift is picked by the giver, not the receiver. So sad. The parents don't seem to have manners, what hope is there for the kid?

[dules]

Tacky. Yes. Yuck. I'd give him some school supplies, books, or art supplies and be done. Just because they ask for something specific doesn't mean you have to give it. (where is that devilish emoticon, lol?)

Mary

[elliput]

So my idea may be stooping to your Aunt and Uncle's level, but consider getting an inexpensive child's book about the value of charity, and in the attached card tell them you donated to the local animal shelter. }(

[kcimato]

Maybe you could give him the "gift of time" spent with his cousin Olivia. Take them to the zoo or a museum or maybe a fun park.

[tbriese]

if they want cash ask offer to contribute to his college fund or buy a savings bond or something. if nothing else, contribute money to a charity in his name - maybe at the local zoo and he can see the animal he supports when he goes????

you might also offer to buy gifts at another time of the year. you could start buying gifts for valentine's day, or some other holiday. could you honor his baptism date or something?

[egfmba]

I think this is tacky for one simple reason:
If they can't afford private school, they should send their child to public school. They shouldn't ask others to pay for a lifestyle they can't maintain...not when that lifestyle is a choice.

I know a lot of other posters have suggested they may live beyond their means and it may help, but if that's the case, that's their problem. If you can't afford a huge house, 6 cars, private school and unlimited shopping, then don't do it. Don't expect everyone else in your family to subsidize the lifestyle you wish you could afford. Think of the lessons imparted to the child in question: do you want to contribute to this child's growing perception that money = love?

I would find something within my budget that I felt was appropriate and fitting for that child. Something that reminds me of him or her so that I could tell them that I bought it with them specifically in mind. Heartfelt things (including time) are worth so much more to any child than money (unless their parents are teaching them that the value of a gift is indicative of the love felt by the giver).

I simply think that asking for money (unless you have a genuine need) is unnecessary and sends the wrong message. To respond to such a request by giving money is confirming that message. Money is not an appropriate gift for such a young child, IMHO, no matter what Hallmark says (with their money cards). :)

eva

[lisams]

That is very tacky. I would never, ever tell someone what to get DD for a gift, ever, especially cash. Makes me sad that this is what birthday celebrations are coming to. I mean, what kind of message is this sending the child?

[cmdunn1972]

Yeah, it's tacky. I bet they've never written (or had their DS write) a thank you note either. x(

[kcimato]

You could also not give anything. If he gets so much they might not notice!!!!!!!

[kristine_elen]

Tacky and outrageous. It's one thing to tell the grandparents that he doesn't need anything and if they insist then to suggest they put money toward his college/school fund. To go family-wide and ask for cash is unacceptable.

[oliviasmomma]

Never--not even a face to face thank you. After opening birthday gifts, he now does a "Thank you everybody", but that is kind of de riguer on my family too. Well, until last Christmas. After we opened Olivia's gifts (and they were very nice gifts--the same goes for all of the kids) Dh and I took her to every family and said thank yous. At the New Year's day party we told several people how she liked their gift. It was kind of obvious that we were the only ones doing that, but that is how we are with each other, so we are not going to change for them, KWIM?

It sounds like I don't like my family very much, but I really do. Unfortunately I think the economic changes many of them have undergone in the last five years has changed them quite a bit.

[Momof3Labs]

Very tacky. Especially the part about using it for his private school tuition!!!

How about setting up a 529 account for him with you (this is key so that you control how the money is used!!) as trustee of the account? Then for holidays, you can contribute the gift amount to his account, and when he's ready for college, he'll have a fund built up that will pay for books or something. He won't appreciate it now, but (hopefully) will then since it sounds like his parents aren't saving up for his college education if they are struggling to pay private school tuition now!

Alternatively, rather than giving cash or a gift, can you give him an "experience?" It might be as simple as you taking him to a movie of his choice, or perhaps a special kid-dinner or trip to the zoo? Then you are also giving him the gift of your time and building a relationship and memories, too.

[cmdunn1972]

I think the failure on their part to thank people for gifts is a valid excuse to not give a gift this year, in case you're looking for an out.

[jesseandgrace]

Unbelievably tacky!!!! Everyone knows it is ok to give money as a gift, so its not like they can't give $ if they want, but to ask for it because they have too much stuff? Shockingly tacky. To ask for money at all is just very tacky, but to pay for private school tuition? It just misses the point of what gift giving is IMO. If they don't want tons of stuff I would say "no presents please" or "instead of gifts please give to blank charity", but to ask for $ for a child? ick. (Unless it is immediate family and then I think it is ok).

[Melanie]

>If it were me, I'd give a nominal gift in the child's name to
>charity. I wouldn't give cash, especially in the
>circumstances you describe. I can't imagine asking for cash!
>
>

Ditto.

[Melanie]

>To me this is a pretty simple question. If they wrote "Cash
>Only" on the invite, that's tacky. If you asked what he
>wants/needs and they said cash, that is totally appropriate. I
>think it comes down to if it was a solicited response or if
>they just sent out word. JMHO
>

True, ITA with that. Though I still think it's an odd thing to ask extended family for. We also pay for an almost-out-of-our reach private school tuition. Sometimes grandparents give large sums of money "for school," so I put it in their school accounts for tuition (or impending tuition in Dd's case).

[kcandz]

I respectfully disagree. It sounds like it is a big family event, and is OP supposed to announce to the family at large there is no gift because there was not an appropriate thank-you last year? Especially because this has been accepted in the group family dynamic as being appropriate previous years. All it would do is make OP look like the tacky, "cheap" one. OP and her DP/DC should look like the gracious part of the family that they are. :)

I agree with the PP who said (paraphrasing here) "just because they ask for a cash gift doesn't mean they automatically get it."

This is an opportunity to teach the 6 year old if OP chooses to take it on as such. The parents are a lost cause, it seems, unless they have a Christmas revelation somehow.

Family dynamics are so tricky to navigate...

[bisous]

You don't have to worry. I think that everyone that I know would agree that asking for cash for Christmas is tacky. You are so not alone in thinking that! Did anyone else think, also, that they would be much better able to afford private school tuition if they didn't buy like 50 presents for birthdays and Christmas? ack...I also feel badly for your nephew.

As for what to do? Well, if it were my family, I would follow some of the suggestions from PP about doing something together. I have a couple of nephews that I adore. They really crave spending time with cousins and aunts and uncles. If it is customary to give lots of presents maybe a really cool gift package of certificates for trips to zoos, museums, parks, out for ice cream, etc. would feel generous but give the message that it is so not about the money, you know?

HTH

Jen

[cmdunn1972]

Oh, goodness, did it sound like I meant for that reason to be announced to the family at large? I honestly don't see why any reason need be given to anyone out loud, especially to an entire group of holiday guests. I simply meant for that reason to be used for the OP's own thought process on the matter, not for the reason to be verbalized out loud to anyone (except perhaps her own DH).

[oliviasmomma]

Thanks for rallying for me! I am so glad I'm not crazy (or if I am, I have lots of company!) What was really bugging was that the rest of my family doesn't seem to think this is weird--even my parents just chuckled a bit and said they are going to give a smaller gift and $$.

I think, after reading through everything, I will give some school supplies--do you thinkit would be too obvious to include thank you notes? I'm actually serious--I remember having some at his age! Since we live about an hour and a half away, I was thinking some note cards and stamps so he can practice sending things in the mail. What do you think?

[oliviasmomma]

I picked up what you were laying down, and you actually cut to the heart of the issue. I've struggled with gifts for him for a while now, the cash thing is just over the top. It really isn't even about the money totally--a big part of it is the lack of a thank you.

I just don't have to feel guilty or cheap for not getting a huge gift--or check. It is hard not to though!

[DrSally]

I like your other family tradition, that's great! My reaction is the same as yours, cash? CASH? And for his private school tuition, wow. Are they so insensitive to ask this from your family when they know you don't have near the same level of income. Do they just feel so entitled? I don't get it.

[DrSally]

I see what you're saying, but I also think people overextend themselves b/c of the "I deserve it" mentality of this country--big, new cars every year, a huge house, the latest and greatest, etc. We make good $, but save a large chunk of it and live below our means. I don't know the story with this family, but this is just what came to mind FWIW. We just got cable (satellite) for the first time ever 2 years ago.

[bostonsmama]

Piggybacking on that....last year I posted a very similar dilemma. I was so disheartened with our nieces and nephews who have NEVER sent a thank you note (and most of the time never even acknowledged our gifts--whether in person or received across the US). I was convinced by posters to give them movie tickets to Narnia w/ a nice collectors edition of the book by CS Lewis. Again, though, we never received even recognition from two of the n/n's (nor their parents) nor ANY thank you cards. I'm fed up. Kids don't deserve gifts just because they're children. I was not raised that way, and I did not get that growing up, so I don't see it as a given. People give gifts to make a difference, because you deserve it, or to see a smile or a show of gratitude, and when that doesn't happen, it takes all the joy out of it, IME.

So....anyone have any good websites for cute personalized stationery or cute thank you notes I can send to my highly ungrateful and unmotivated nieces/nephews between the ages of 8 and 12???

L

[gatorsmom]

Oooo... very tacky.

Stationary is ALWAYS a great gift. Encourages writing. Excellent idea.

As another poster said, usually I've researched the gifts I want my kids playing with and so when a holiday or birthday rolls around again, I ask for BOOKS for my kids. My inlaws always write a little message in the beginning of the books, too, which I love.

BTW, if you write a little endearing message in the beginning of a book, your SIL can't return it or regift it!

[jamsmu]

Yeah... but wouldn't it be easier to say something like,

Dear family,

DS truly appreciates the wonderful toys and gifts he has received for birthdays past. This year we'd like to ask for no toys, as DS has been "gifted". However, since we understand that many people want to celebrate with a gift, in lieu of toys, a donation to his 529 plan would be appreciated.

***

I don't think I worded that well... but its a bit classier, no?

[cmdunn1972]

Yeah, it's hard to continue giving thoughtful gifts for people (even children) when they continually fail to show gratitude. I blame the parents for not teaching their child the value of expressing thanks!

Perhaps an appropriate gift would be a box of thank you notes and an offer to assist in note-writing lessons. ;) Yours could be the gift that keeps on giving!

Try not to feel guilty. It takes a lot of gall to ask for cash for a child who has never been taught appreciation for previous tangible gifts.

[ribbit1019]

I was going to suggest this too. My sis adopted a gorilla for her BF last year, it went over very well and they were invited the an adoptive parents day and everything.

Some other clutter free ideas:

http://www.flylady.com/pages/holidaycruising1.asp

GL! Very tacky btw. :(

Christy
Wife to Richard
My Waterbabies
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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/steitzsmith/Other/jump.gif

[kcandz]

I exaggerated a bit but what I meant was if there was no gift, and public opening (sorry if it was mentioned upthread if this happens or not, this thread exploded and I can't remember any more!) OP would eventually have to explain to someone, somehow, I imagine? Or else the whole family will be tearing the house apart looking for that "missing" envelope of $50 to offset one afternoon of tuition. :)

[oliviasmomma]

Ha Ha! Actually--they don't even keep track of what gifts came from whom, there are no thank yous and the gift opening is over in about 10 minutes. (30+ people exchanging gifts--it is a flurry of paper and ribbons!) It didn't bother me until we had kids in the family--for a long time it was all youngish adults--but now I think the standards are different--or they should be!

[AngelaS]

I think it's insanely tacky!

[KBecks]

It is always tacky to ask for cash, unless the person specifically asks you what you want, then I think it's OK to tell them you want money, but I'd give them a non-money option too. :)

I would probably give the little guy a book. Maybe if you're feeling generous, include the gift receipt so if the parents truly want to take the book back for a stinking cash refund, they can. *yuck*

Anyway, give what you want to give and screw the request.

ETA -- Rolls of quarters are apparently good kid cash gifts. I doubt the parents would pry the quarters out of the kid's hands to use for his tuition!

[cmdunn1972]

LOL I just thought of another "cash" gift that makes a good kid gift, foreign currency!

DH does a lot of international travel for work, and every year he tucks foreign bills and coins in Xmas cards for his nephews. They are all in their early 20s, but they still think it's fascinating. :)

[ctmom]

I keep a supply of blank flat notecards from http://www.paperdirect.com/Perfectly+Plain+PostCards/item_no=PCPLAI/cid=1098/page_no=2/shop.axd/ProductDetails
and make my own personalized stationary for gifts. We have a decent hp laser jet printer. I have also picked up blank flat panel cards from Target, Paper Source and other places to keep on hand. I wrap a pack up of anywhere from 10-20 cards in a nice bow, attach a cute pen and put it in a decorative box.

HTH!

Mary
dd#1 2/01
dd#2 12/03

[madelinesmom]

Maybe if you're feeling generous, include the gift receipt so if the parents truly want to take the book back for a stinking cash refund,
>they can. *yuck*
>


I think all they can get with a gift reciept is store credit... they would probably just buy something for themselves... I think the quarters idea was great, but maybe do pennies, he will peel off the wraper and make a huge mess... serves them right for being so tacky...

Jane
Madeline and Emily's Mom
1/20/03 11/29/05