What would you do...

[candybomiller]

Would you forgive a friend who lied straight to your face to a direct question?

[punkrockmama]

Nope. Two things I can't abide are liars and cheaters. Even if we go back to grade school, you do either and we're done.

For me, even if the truth is damn awful it always trumps a cover up. So it's not a hard line for me to keep as I can't respect anyone who's not straight up.

[bcky2]

hmmmmm, depends on how serious the question/lie is. something minor and petty i probably wouldnt mind as much as something major or "friendship shattering" did i make any sense?

i would forgive something like this.

me: "did you eat the last chocolate i had stashed away for myself"
friend: "no, i would never do that"

friend walks away with chocolate all over her face.

i wouldnt forgive something like this.

me: "did you happen to see the $700.00 i had sitting right here on the counter?"
friend: "no, i have no idea where it went to"

friend then goes and buys a whole new wardrobe.

[matthewsmom]

Sorry to hear about that. I think it would depend on why he/she lied to you and how big of a lie it was.

[candybomiller]

That's the way I feel too, Sheila. I just wanted to be sure I'm not over-reacting because it's that time of the month.

[schums]

Depends. If the questions was "Do these pants make my butt look huge?", then yes, because I would expect all but my closest friends to say "No" in spite of evidence to the contrary!! ;-)

Anything more serious than that, it might be really hard. And I have walked away from friendships over serious breaches in trust.

Sorry and hugs!!

Sarah
Mom to Alex (3/2002) and Catherine (8/2003)

[nov04]

I would forgive someone denying they were pg or to save me some pain (case by case basis on this one). I would not forgive lying for their own benefit.

[cmdunn1972]

I think perhaps this is one of those cases where you have to decide if you're better off with or without this person as your friend.

For me, I might be more forgiving if this was a long-term friend or if the circumstances were such that I might do the same thing if I was in his/her shoes. For instance, if I would lie in response to a personal question that I felt was only my business, then it's hard for me to condemn my friend for doing the same thing. So, I guess it depends on the motivation for the lie (self-serving or saving face) and how close you are with this person.

[Jenn98]

It depends on what it is if I'd totally cut off all ties right away. Most likely I'd just let some distance come between us. I do not trust easily after being hurt, so it would take a looooong time to forgive, if at all, entirely.

[kristenk]

It really depends on the question and the answer given. I can't give a straight yes or no answer.

[lizajane]

yes, i did. "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." and it is VERY unlike me to quote bible verses... (or tresspasses... i am presbyterian...)

my best friend from high school was intimate with another one of my best friends from high school even KNOWING that i was, and had been, in love with him for years. and even knowing that he and i had been intimate less than a year before. when it came up, she flat out lied to my face as we sat side by side.

i refused to speak to her for months. when i did finally speak to her, not much happened. we didn't really get back to being friends.

i refused to speak to him, too. but he came back begging for forgiveness. he was sincere. he explained himself. i forgave him.

she didn't ask for forgiveness, i didn't forgive. UNTIL...

one day, i was on a long car ride by myself. and all of a sudden, i just realized, BAM, it just wasn't about me. she lied because she was embarrassed. and she knew she would hurt me. she didn't lie to be mean, which is how i felt at the time. she lied to cover her own insecurities AND to protect my feelings. it just plain ol' had nothing to do with me.

and that was that. i forgave her. i honestly think it was God's will. she is one of my very very very closest friends now and i just don't know what i would do without her. she isn't a perfectly honest person. but i have flaws, too. and she looks past my flaws. and i look past hers. and we are able to TRULY laugh about what happened now.

i can tell you 100% (with tears in my eyes right now) i would have really missed out if i didn't find it within myself to let it go. it took a few years. but once i did, the relief was immense and our friendship is a real blessing.

[kboyle]

i kinda agree.

when you look back on your friendship is she someone that you still want in your future, even though it's hard now, would you honestly be able to look past this?

if my bf lied to me about something that was awful, but she did it to protect me, or because she was embarassed of something she did...obviously not illegal, etc it may take me awhile, but i would hope that i have it in me to at least forgive her, maybe we wouldn't be best friends again, but i would hope that if i happened to do something awful to someone that i would at least get their forgivness, i'm not asking them or saying that i would FORGET, but at the least to forgive.

[saschalicks]

See in this situation I assume it was a bad lie. It's not one of those "are you pregnant?" and she said "no". Then she really was. Since I assume it was a bad lie I have to say that it's pretty unforgettable. Forgivable is different to me. It just depends on what it is. For the most part I have to say: no not forgivable.

[himom]

Forgive, yes. Trust again, no. Or at least not for a long time.

As for remaining friends, it would depend on the situation.

However, I've done it.

I despise lying, but I felt forced into it recently by some direct, kind of obnoxious questions. There were a two announced pregnancies at work, and everyone was waiting for another one because "they come in threes." I must've lied to 6 or 7 people who were on fishing expeditions to find another mama-to-be. We simply weren't ready to tell anyone yet, it was way too early, we were having some problems, and it really was none of their business. So when asked directly I said "no." If I said, "maybe" or "none of your business" or "why would you ask?" etc it's pretty much the same as saying yes...they know you're hedging because it's true. So yep, I lied. The state of my uterus is private.

Now that they know I was lying some of them are mad, but I'm finding it hard to care.

Other than that, I hope I would never lie directly to a friend and I would expect a bunch of crap to come down if I ever did.

[Melanie]

I would have to say it depends upon how big/serious of a lie it is, and how much you value the friendship.

[KBecks]

It would depend on the gravity of the question and lie, as well as the person's history of trustworthiness.

I'd be inclined to forgive the friend, assuming he/she was not lying about something like sleeping with my husband or spanking my children. I might keep a mental note of the lie for a while, but as long as future behavior was trustworthy, I'd let it go.

Is it possible that the lie was a result of miscommunication?

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide.

[KBecks]

It would depend on the gravity of the question and lie, as well as the person's history of trustworthiness.

I'd be inclined to forgive the friend, assuming he/she was not lying about something like sleeping with my husband or spanking my children. I might keep a mental note of the lie for a while, but as long as future behavior was trustworthy, I'd let it go.

Is it possible that the lie was a result of miscommunication?

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide.

[KBecks]

<<Forgive, yes. Trust again, no. Or at least not for a long time.>>


There's a good answer.

[KBecks]

<<Forgive, yes. Trust again, no. Or at least not for a long time.>>


There's a good answer.

[mudder17]

I agree with this as well. It is hard to forgive, but assuming your friend was close or someone you want in the future to be your friend and assuming she wants to be forgiven, etc. (so yes, it definitely depends on the person and the circumstances of the lie), then yes, i believe I could forgive her. Maybe not right away as it takes a while to rebuild trust, but I also wouldn't eliminate is as a possibility.


Eileen

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/33734.gif 32 months...

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http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/33732.gif for Leah

[mudder17]

I agree with this as well. It is hard to forgive, but assuming your friend was close or someone you want in the future to be your friend and assuming she wants to be forgiven, etc. (so yes, it definitely depends on the person and the circumstances of the lie), then yes, i believe I could forgive her. Maybe not right away as it takes a while to rebuild trust, but I also wouldn't eliminate is as a possibility.


Eileen

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/33734.gif 32 months...

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http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/33732.gif for Leah

[punkrockmama]

Well yeah, I was working on the assumption that it was a serious thing. Of course I wouldn't cut off a friend if they lied about the new pony they bought for my birthday when I asked about the hay everywhere just to hang onto the surprise.

Candy, I just wanted to say that I don't know what's going on but I hope that you are okay. I'm really, really sorry if someone close to you hurt you. Want me to come over there and pull their hair?