Help: advice really needed re:fostering independence and perseverance in my DS long

[mamato1]

Not sure where to post this question as it seems to be a really broad question. So, I'll try here. Sorry if this ia ll over the place as my mind is really having trouble wrapping itself around all of this. My DS is a very bright little boy who does things on his own schedule (tends to be on the late side of normal) and has what seem to be pretty unusual interests for a child his age. For example he did not walk until 14 months, but went from no walking to walking really well within a week. While other kids are playing with trains, he wants to talk to you about music and how he is going to learn to play the contrabassoon. He can name almost every musical instrument known to mankind and can name many by sound alone.

What he does not do well is work independently or persevere at something that is frustrating. I think it is in his nature to not do something until he can do it well. He still has trouble undressing himself and potty training is going slowly at best. I am concerned about how easily he gets frustrated and comes running to me for help. I know that I am partially to blame for this becasue I tend to be a rescuer and I should have stood back and let him work things out on his own more often.

Anyway, I am in the middle of the preschool dilemma and I have found a preschool I love. It is a Montessori school that is run out of three houses. It feels so homey, not institutional. There is a huge playground with a barn in back and the kids play outside often unless the weather is prohibitive and they eat outside when possible too. They offer Suzuki piano which is right up his alley and seems to be a perfect fit in many ways. What I am worried about is the independent work that seems to be a big part of the day. I really believe that is what DS needs, but I don't know if he will become independent because that will be what is expected of him or he will just be frustrated because that is not a skill he brings to the table, so to speak.

So, I am hoping to work on those skills with him at home and see if we can make some headway. I do not have to make the preschool decision until March, so I have some time and he would not start until late August.

So finally, here are my two big questions? What are some suggestions about things I can do to encourage independence and perseverance? Secondly, although my preschool search has been pretty exhaustive, should I go back to the drawing board and look for a preschool that meets him where he is or stick with the oen that I think will get him to where ne needs to be? Clear as mud? :)

Chris

Mama to Brendan, aka Boomer, my little peanut who is allergic to peanuts! 01/16/04


http://b3.lilypie.com/FnI6m5/.png

[niccig]

Can you talk to the teachers at the montessori school to see how they would handle a child like your DS? If they explain how they would help the child to do it on their own and learn that skill, then maybe it would be a good fit for him. If they say they don't help at all, then maybe you should look elsewhere.

Nicci

[C99]

> or persevere at something that is frustrating

I really think if you ask most parents of preschoolers whether their child gets frustrated and keeps on it, they'll tell you that their DC do not. DS does not inherently believe in the old adage, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." I think that's why that expression was invented! But really, does anyone? Seriously, I have a hard time persevering with a new skill/activity that frustrates me and I'm 32. And I have the knowledge and experience to know that if I keep trying, I'll get it. I don't think that 3-year-olds do.

Also, to address the rest of your post, most of what you describe in your son's behavior sounds normal or within the range of normal to me. My DS will be 4 around the same time as your DS turns 3. He didn't dress himself (or want to) until about 3-4 months ago. We didn't *start* PTing until he turned 3 and I am glad I waited because within 5 days, he was pee-trained, although poop-training took a bit longer (he was trained, but didn't want to go in the potty, only in a pull-up). So please cut yourself and your DS some slack.

A friend of mine was over with her little boy this morning. Her son is 4 days older than my DS. We were *just* talking about how her DS is completely not interested in trains or cars or dinosaurs (most little boy things); he's interested in words. Both little boys are in some form of preschool (my DS is in twice/week MDO for the second year in a row, hers is in her parish's 5-day preschool) and are doing really well in their respective programs.

So all this to say...I'd go with your gut and put him in the program you love. I think you'll find that your DS expresses different personality traits when he is out of your care. He may very well surprise you and master the independent play of Montessori very well. I have always described my DS as independent, but in the last 6 months, he's become very clingy in his play (like right now he wants me to build an airplane with him, which usually means that I sit there and he builds it and if I help, "that isn't how it goes"). But he's not like that at "school" at all -- I've seen him in action and his teachers report that as well.

[Tracey]

Chris,
My DD also had a low frustration threshold at that age. That has really changed over the past year. I think she has just grown out of it as she has become more dextrous. Montessori school has helped so much with independence issues! I have had to back off and let her do more for herself.

[lizamann]

It sounds like your son is doing great, and it sounds like you've found a school you really love. August is a very, very long time away for a kid who's not even 3 yet, and so much growth will happen between now and then. I'm guessing it will all work out.

[pinkmomagain]

My middle dd who is now 7 yo has a very low frustration threshold. Always has. (She has other issues too...dev delays when she was younger, anxiety, some learning issues) I too was (and may still be to some extent) the "rescuer."

School will definitely help some...the teachers are more objective than us mommies and he may behave differently for them and among peers. Montessori might be good if he will have older role models in the classroom too. It doesn't seem like he has older siblings and sometimes being around older kids makes the younger ones want be more grown up.

As a Mom, I am finding that by complementing the process rather than the outcome seems to be helping. In otherwords, I now complement when I see her working hard at something rather than the finished product. I also try to point out when I am working hard at something and not quite getting something right and be kind of obvious about it "Gee, I am having such trouble with this....let me try again. Let me see if I can think of another way of doing this." You get the point.

Good Luck,

Gina

[emilyf]

Well without knowing your child, what you describe sounds very normal-I think most kids get frustrated very easily with things they aren't good at-it certainly describes my ds. He only recently (and he just turned 4) got pretty good at dressing and undressing-and still comes to me for help a lot. He potty trained at 3. I think your school sounds great, and I am sure they are used to kids who get frustrated and have strategies to cope with this.
Emily mom of Charlie born 11/02 and Zoe born 9/05

[lisams]

With DD when she would get frustrated with something, I would ask her "How could we work this out?" or "How can a I help you?" instead of rushing in and doing what I thought would fix the problem. It got her mind thinking of a solution first instead of running to mommy to fix the problem. Just putting words to the thought process helped her.

It's a tough stage and completely normal. Just remember that he'll get there when he's ready! DD now gets upset when I ask if I can help her, because she's so set on doing things all herself. Go figure!

[mamato1]

I feel much better reading your replies. I really appreciate the reassuring words. Thanks so much for helping this over-anxiuos mama take a deep breath and look at things more objectively.

Chris
Mama to Brendan, aka Boomer, my little peanut who is allergic to peanuts! 01/16/04


http://b3.lilypie.com/FnI6m5/.png