Would you tell your parent/s NOT to come over to stay with you?

[kozachka]

I just found out from my mom during an unrelated telephone call that my dad is coming to stay with us for the week-end. My reaction was "why wouldn't he ask me if it's OK first". Mom's reaction, all upset, "I'll tell him not to come" after which she cut off the conversation.

For some reason my parents do not understand that our one bedroom under 650 sq. ft. apartment is too small even for our own family. And that I do not want to feed and clean after my father on the week-end. Or entertain him. He is not a great communicator either, he prefers to watch TV rather than talk. Besides I just dropped DS off with MIL and would like to spend some quality time with my DH and my Dad sleeping on the couch in the adjacent room is not good for that. So that you don't think that I am a heartless daughter, my dad stayed with us the previous week-end, Friday through Monday, at which point my Mom showed up and stayed with us through this past Friday. And we did not know he was coming (OK, I did not pay our phone bill but he could have called DH's office) until he showed up at our door. Oh, and my mom is coming back for her American visa interview so hopefully for only a day or two in a week and a half from now. I know my Dad is bored in the tiny town where he is currently on a business trip but come on...

ETA: It gets better. I got a SMS from my Dad saying that he is at my brother's dormitory right now and that my mom told him not to call me. So should he now go to the train station to sleep? Of course, I replied that he should come over and sleep at our place. Like I had a choice. I tried to explain why he should ask if it's OK to visit before he shows up and was told that I am sooo rude and that family does not need to ask to visit.

My dad's monthly salary would not pay even for one night in a nearby hotel. And I do not see why we should be shelling $300-$600 per night at a hotel (that's the prices at local hotels downtown Kiev due to constrained supply and high demand from business travellers).

[dules]

How about - Dad takes the apartment, you and DH go to a nice hotel nearby? :)

I don't blame you a bit for being annoyed. Good luck and I hope it works out.


Mary

[SpaceGal]

My mom usually asks me when she can come visit. We don't have a good relationship at all.

Anyways, she was planning to come for Christmas. She is a real party pooper and doesn't like to meet our friends or go shopping for gifts (she's super stingy only like buying cheap crap from the $1 store for our family but buys expensive stuff for others). So I asked her if she intends to spend Christmas and New Year's with us that she should come prepared to participate and be involved in the holidays. Rather than sit there and watch us open gifts as she said she wanted to do.

Our house is more than big enough to have room for her but it's not big enough for me in the sense that her presence brings a cloud over my head.

Nonetheless, I've learned that if it's not beneficial that she come I just let her know as nicely as possible. Why stress yourself out if not a day later she's here complaining how she wants to leave and needs me to take her to the bus station.

[niccig]

Can you explain that this weekend doesn't work for you - alone time with DH - but next weekend is fine? Don't know if that will work.

[cmdunn1972]

We have a 4 BR house with two bathrooms, so it's not an issue when the grandparents come to visit. However, we always manage to pre-arrange it. I totally get that a 4 BR house is a totally different story than a 1 BR apartment.

Even with all of our space, for some reason my ILs seem to prefer to stay at a nearby hotel. DH is the same way when we visit my parents, so I guess it's just their "thing". I don't fuss about it.

I should add that my relationships with both my parents and my ILs are pretty great. That, plus the amount of space at your place factors in.

[maestramommy]

Maybe this is a cultural or family dynamic difference, so I hesitate to even give an opinion. I just know in our family, nobody would show up out of the blue unless it was a life or death emergency. It would be unheard of.

[JacksMommy]

My family would also never dream of coming to stay unannounced and without asking. It is not unreasonable for you to have some boundaries and insist on notice and then let your parents know when a given time frame is not convenient for you (and if that is never, then be clear about that, too). IMO, calling you to ask if he should sleep at the train station is just manipulation. Letting him come over after that makes him mo9re likely to try the same trick again.

If this is a one-time thing, let it go. Sounds like it's not, though, so it may be time for you to set some boundaries if you want things to change. Easy to say, hard to do!

Laurel
Mama to Jack 6/02 and Maddy 12/04

Babywearing education in Napa, CA

[KBecks]

So, if your dad is on a business trip, he has some place to stay in the "tiny town"? Or is he self-employed?

I'd tell him to stay in the "tiny town". Or to travel home to his home.

I think that they are using guilt to try to take advantage of you. Maybe that's culturally common where you live, but it's up to you to decide whether it's OK or not.

Frankly, I'd remind your dad and mom they were just there, and request at least two days notice for future visits, except emergencies.

If he stays, ask him to clean up after himself!

Good luck!

[Tondi G]

I think it's rude and disrespectful of him to show up unannounced and expect to stay over and be waited on, cooked for and cleaned up after!

At this point there isn't much you can do but if it were me I think I'd plan to have some really loud sex in hopes that it embarrasses the #### out of your father and he doesn't want to come back and stay!

Good luck

~Tondi

[BeachBum]

I can see why it may be annoying, but to me it reads like a "suck it up, and make the best" situation.

[denna]

I wouldnt, but I really want too. MIL and SIL (20yo) are coming to stay for Christmas and I would rather them stay 2 blocks away in a hotel, but DH doesnt think that is very nice. But w/ them staying w/ us means we have to go out and buy a queen size bed for them to sleep on in our extra bedroom. And we do not have that kind of money just lying around this time of year (IYKWIM). And of course they couldnt possibly sleep on an air matress or anything. Hey Im not bitter. :)