In need of advice on some sitter issues (long)...

[denna]

From the beginning:

Last month DS had to get a new sitter because our prior sitter was moving. We placed an add in a local newspaper and got a response from a woman who wanted to charge us 25% more a week then what we were paying our sitter (which is already way above the local day care centers), we told her what we were paying our current sitter and she agreed to this. So we set up a couple of interviews and had DS over a few times, even our old sitter brought DS by to get used to this new sitter. Things were going really well DS seemed to love her and she had great recommendations. Then after only having DS for 2 days she starts complaining about her hours and her pay. We talked about how long her hours could be 'worse case scenario' and she said she was fine w/ it and that she is very flexible. So I talk to my work and am now getting off an hour earlier each day dropping off DS at 7am and picking him up by 430pm at the latest and we have agreed to pay her the 25% more that she originally asked for. DH and I were a little upset because we never keep DS in care if we are off work for whatever reason, he is only there when we are working. DH is in the military and does presidential communications, his job has things that could come up and he may have to work different shifts etc. And I work scheduling for *both* of the fighter squadrons on this base. Both of our jobs are critical, and are not your regular 9-5 jobs, or part time. She knew *all* of this when she started and yet she still complained (that is why we were upset). Now that she is getting paid more and DS is only there about 9hours (sometimes a lil more) a day she seemed to be happier, yet there is something about her attitude that I cannot quite understand.
2 days ago I picked DS up and her 3yo DD came up to DS and slapped him on his arm and yelled 'bad girl', her mom kind of reprimanded her and said '____ no your the bad girl, turn around' and that was it. Not 2 minutes later she comes up and hits DS again this time while I was holding him. I didnt know what to say. I mean it didnt hurt DS but that is not the point. Well I told DH about it and he didnt like it at all, but what do we say to her? How do we handle this? It happened again this afternoon when we dropped him off, she hit him and yelled 'bad girl' and then her mom grabbed her arm and told her to go play, she then ran(!) at him to try to slap him again(!) and her mother just said "no, go play" so she went to her room. DH asked our sitter if her DD hits DS often and she said 'No it doesnt happen often, and I am *always* w/ him I never let him out of my sight or leave him alone w/ DD'. She said this very rudely and defensively, we werent accusing her of anything we were just concerned for our DS. And where did a 3yo learn such behavior? I dont know what to do about this. Should we look for another sitter over this? How do we talk to her about this?

If you made it this far, thank you from the bottom of mine and DH's heart thank you. This is very wearing on us, we really want to find our DS a good caregiver that we can feel comfortable. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Denna

[jayali]

Denna,

I would try and find another sitter. I know how hard and emotionally exhausting that is, but I really don't like the hitting thing. And the way she said "I never let him out of my sight" and "He is never alone with DD" makes me concerned that their may be a behavioral issue. I also don't like the way she handled the hours and pay issue - VERY UNPROFESSIONAL!! She should have been straight forward from the beginning.

Your jobs sound stressful enough, you should have some peace of mind that you have a good caregiver for your son.

Good luck.

[dules]

I don't like the sound of it. You ask where the 3 year old learned the behavior - but I think you already know that. Is there a daycare on base you can get him into, or is there a military mom that you know there who might want to take in another child for some extra $$?

Good luck.

Mary

[MonicaH]

Just got to work, so not a lot of time to write, but I'd say FIRE her. You are already having to accommodate beyond your original agreement with her. It's probably not going to get better if she's complaining this early into your agreement.

But the biggest problem is the hitting by the older child. I'm sure she's getting hit and called "bad girl" and she's taking it out on the newest, weakest child around. The fact that this is occurring would really freak me out, because I'd be worried that the sitter would hit my child and call him "bad." From the sitter's response to her daughter's hitting that you have observed, it doesn't sound like she has a lot of ways of dealing with trying behavior from her own child.

Good luck.
Monica

[Mommy Of A Little Angel]

I agree with PP. If you aren't comfortable with her, you have to find another solution. Set aside the fact that she has already changed her schedule and complained until she got more money. The more important thing is her DD. Kids pick up things from their parents and unfortunately I think she is displaying her mother's behavior. I would definately find someone else as soon as you can. I am so sorry that you have to start all over again - but remember it's probably for the best. You, DH, and son all need to be comfortable and happy with your childcare provider and she just doesn't seem to be it.

Good luck and HUGS!

[hillview]

Next!

Seriously sounds like a bad situation all around. Find another situation and you will be happier. I know it is hard to change but it sounds like the right thing to do.

Good luck!
/hillary

[JustMe]

Another vote to get another sitter.

You may have seen my post about a month ago. Dd had the same sitter from when she came home from Guatemala almost 3 yrs ago at ll mos of age. Now, at almost 4, dd was coming home with bite marks on her almost everyday. My daycare provider got very angry that I asked her about this. It was a longer story than this, of course, but I was terrified of changing dd who does not do well with transitions. However, I felt I needed to and she went to a temporary sitter for 2 weeks and about 2 weeks ago I was able enroll her in a preschool that I like. I say all of this because, as much as putting kids thru lots of changes is not great, when it comes between continuing in a not-so-good situation and a change my experience has shown that the change is the way to go.

I actually do disagree that it is for sure that your sitter's daughter has learned her hitting behavior from somewhere or that there are behavioral issues. Obviously, mom/sitter must call her a bad girl, as the sitter did that in front of your face (when she said, "no, you're the bad girl"), which I don't like. However, I do think the hitting could just be because it is a new situation for her dd and her dd is feeling resentful to your ds. That could be a temporary issue, and I am not sure how I would proceed if that was the only issue, but the fact that the sitter just does not seem happy with the working conditions, even though you have been more than flexible would be a red flag of further unpleasantness to come. From what you wrote, it seems like you are paying an attractive amount compared to market value and I would look for someone who would be happy with what I was offering. I know it will be stressful for both ds and you for a while, but I think it will be worth it in the end. FWIW, I would not necessarily say anything to the sitter until I found something that worked better for me and then I would give her notice.

Good luck, I know it is a stressful situation to be in.

Robyn
single mommy to an almost 4 yr old