what to do when your parenting style is different from DH?

[megs4413]

i know consistency is super important for kids and it's also super important that parents be on the same page when it comes to parenting style....but what to do when it's not lining up?

DH and i always thought we had the same parenting philosophy, but that was before we had kids...i knew nothing about kids, in retrospect, and had unrealistic expectations about behavior and foolish ideas about discipline. but, i've come to see that children make mistakes....or in my DD's case...are too young to always "be good". but DH is struggling with his expectations still...and is raising his voice ALL THE TIME. it seems that i've become the lenient one and the permissive one/comforter...and he's become the tyrant and the bully...how did this happen to us!?!?

EXAMPLE: i'm putting my makeup on in our bedroom at the vanity....DD is getting into all the vanity drawers. I let her do it. I'm watching, if she gets something truly dangerous, i'll ask for it from her and put it where she can't get it...but since i'm standing right there, i'm letting her explore....it's just a normal kid thing, right? well..she takes a bottle of pro-activ lotion (with a twist cap) and runs into the living room where DH is working on his laptop....he immediately barks, "MADISON! NO! GIVE IT TO DADDY!" and he rips it out of her hand and she cries and screams....she comes running back into the bedroom and takes a bottle of his cologne out of the drawer....and she runs into the living room with it....and so on and so forth until he comes to yell at me for letting her take things out of the drawers...

WTH? she can't open any of these items....they're not made of glass....she's not attempting to eat them...she was enjoying taking them from one room and putting them in another. yeah it's making a mess, yeah if she got the lid off she would have cologne all over her and i would have to give her a bath...but seroiusly what's the worst that could happen? is it really worth yelling at her? i don't think she should EVER be barked at like that unless she's really doing something that could hurt her and we need her to stop immediately. she's a sensitive kid! and i should protect her from this by not letting her have all this stuff, i guess, but if i spent my whole day making sure she only touched her own things...i would never get anything else done and she would be MISERABLE! when he gets home at night she's constantly getting yelled at until she goes to bed....she's just doing normal kid stuff! why can't he see that?

am i wrong here? am i being too permissive? how can i approach this situation with DH? i'm really concerned about the direction this is heading in....and i cannot allow him to continue yelling at her. if that means i have to leave, i have to leave. our marriage is actually really good, but i can't let him bully my daughter around. it's just not right...

[ShanaMama]

Megs, it sounds like this is really tearing you up. I think it's totally something that can be worked out, & you can come to an agreement on. The note you ended off on sounded a bit severe compared to the way you usually post about DH, not sure exactly why. (not trying to psychoanalyze too much, but I was reading the whole post & nodding, but the last paragraph kindof threw me.)

One thing I agree with is being consistent in front of DD. EVEN if you think he's wrong to blow up at her (short of any kind of abuse, obviously), I would stay away from yelling at/ reacting to him until you're in private. That doesn't mean you can't comfort her, but if you find yourself yelling at him for yelling at her... it just makes the whole scene that much worse.
If I remember correctly, you're home with her all day while he runs his own business? Could part of the problem be that he's just not so experienced or in tune with normal kids' antics and he sees it as unacceptable or dangerous behavior? As you mentioned, you used to have "unrealistic expectations" of kids' behavior. Well, what changed that? I'd guess, in part it was being with her all the time & getting used to what's actually normal for a child her age. Your DH didn't have that atitude adjustment, so expecting him to reflect your philosophy is a tall order IYKWIM.
Now let's get a little more solution oriented. How about sitting down with him at a quiet time when you didn't just have an 'incident'. Explain to him how your views evolved & how you feel about his reactions. Tell him exactly what you wrote her- how you were supervising her & you saw her playing with the cosmetics, but you calculated that it wasn't harmful or dangerous for her to keep playing with it. It's possible that in this instance he didn't realize you were on top of the situation, although I think this was just an example of different views, not a one time occurence. Explain to him why you think it's detrimental for him to yell at her so much, & try to find preemptive solutions. Maybe you guys can make up a key word or facial expression which you both use to tell the other that you feel the situation is getting out of hand. Maybe he's stressed out after a hard day & just can't discipline her calmly. I think if you approach the issue in a non-threatening, non-judgemental way, looking to work on it together, you'd be surprised how amenable he might be to re-examine his knee-jerk reaction. And don't expect him to change overnight, but do expect him to hear you out & make an effort to understand your point.
Lastly, as a purely practical suggestion, can you childproof the vanity, except one drawer which you load with toys? (this is what I have to do with my dresser!) Removing the opportunity for her to 'get in trouble' while still allowing her to be with Mommy & 'participate' as you get ready.
Hope this helped some. Keep us posted as to what happens.

[crAbbymom]

It is so weird that you posted this tonight...I watched Supernanny for the 1st time tonight and the dad was VERY much like what you are describing. There were 2 things that really brought it home to him about how he was treating the kids. First, seeing himself on video. He really didn't realize how harsh he sounded. Second, and your dd may be too young for this, the nanny asked the kids how daddy sounded and looked all the time. You could tell that the dad FINALLY got it. So, maybe you could just set up a camera in a corner where it's not noticible. After reviewing the tape by yourself, invite him to see for himself how he is behaving.

Anyway, I hope this helps...and that you can get through to him!

[tarahsolazy]

The more rules you have, the more rules you have to enforce, every time, because if you don't, they aren't rules. This is my philosophy. I'd let my kid empty the drawers, and so would DH. A toddler does not understand at less than two that there are some drawers that she can empty, some she can't. So, your DH thinking that she somehow should "know" this, or that she can easily learn is unrealistic. I suppose your choices are getting him to lay off non-dangerous but messy, or you childproof every drawer, shelf, bin, and cabinet that contains any item that doesn't belong to her. Both work, and both make it easy to have a rule.

My kid is approaching 3, so yelling NO! randomly, melting down even when given those ever-preached choices, etc, so I am certainly no expert. But, I think this is not Madison's issue, its DH's and yours to solve however you'd prefer. If I followed your DH's route, though, I'd be yelling at my son all day, because he's still not able to touch only his own items, all the time. I don't want to have that kind of relationship, so the stuff its really important that he doesn't get, he can't.

I don't think you are being permissive. But, its best if you and DH can agree on what the rules really are, and make them as few as you can, ie no hurting people, no hurting yourself, and teach respect for property slowly and repetitively for the next many years.

[ShanaMama]

Interesting idea, but I can't imagine it would build trust between husband & wife to have one secretly taping the other. Even if it's for a constructive purpose, why wouldn't the 'taped' spouse feel violated? I've never watched SuperNanny, though, so could be I'm just not getting it.

[megs4413]

*sigh* you know it just takes someone calmly looking at a situation to really wake you up!

it was just a rough evening...and i'm more frustrated than usual...and you're right...DH and I are usually G-R-E-A-T! so making this a dealbreaker issue is silly at this point. i guess it is just hard for me in my preggo induced emotional state to react calmly when i feel like DD is being bullied. he's really a good Dad...he just has completely unrealistic expectations when it comes to her behavior...and i think you hit the nail on the head...he just doesn't really know her that well! he is almost never responsible for her on his own and he hasn't had the time to "learn" about her the way I have. I do need to have a sit down with him....I'm nervous about it, but it needs to happen. i will try to structure my thoughts and figure out when/what i'm going to say....

about childproofing the vanity...i've thought about it...i only do makeup on the weekend when DH is home...so it doesn't seem like a huge issue most of the time. we keep the bedroom off limits unless DH or I are in there with her and she can't open the door when it's shut....so usualy it's a non-issue...but if it would make it easier on him for our house to be more babyproofed that's a compromise i'm willing to go with!

thanks for your perspective....

[crAbbymom]

You may be right about the trust issue. I wonder if he would agree to it if approached in the right way. Maybe something along the lines of:

I'm not sure if you really see how you are talking to dd; I just want to try an experiment and tape us both so we can look at it objectively and try to work things out differently.

I am not very good at scripting! but maybe you see where I'm coming from? Ahhh, I'm probably nuts, but I do try.

Like I said, 1st time watching the show. The family did know they were being taped, but used it as a learning tool.

[ShanaMama]

OH.
I thought you meant taping him unaware & then showing him "this is what you look like." Totally different if you discuss it first & agree to do it in order to get an objective view of yourself. No comparison!

[candybomiller]

I could have written your post, word for word. In fact, I think I have! When DH and I are having a "difference of opinion" regarding ds, I can generally attribute it to one thing: I have more respect for ds as a person, whereas DH sees him as only a child, not a person yet.

I don't honestly have a solution for you. I can only offer empathy and a (((((HUG))))).

[nofeea]

Yes, consistency is important, and it would be great if parenting styles matched, but I think sometimes they just don't. In my house we tend to have the opposite situation- I am the rule-maker/ disciplinarian and DH is FUN. When they we were just starting out as a family, I was very distressed about this, but over time, I have come to make myself step back and accept the different styles (though, sometimes I have to REALLY step back- like out of the room!!) My hours with the kids tend to be quiet, gentle, controlled play, while DH seems to run a 'free for all'. Frankly, I can't bear to watch- I'm sure someone will get hurt, things will break, etc. etc... Of course, there are moments when I still can't seem to keep myself from "butting in" (if I really think one of them will get hurt)but I have been trying to let DH do his own thing when he is with them. When I really hold back, I've seen things get to a point where DH ends up having to do the discipline thing when things do start to get out of control! (Not exactly your situation but similar in that if you leave DH in control for more time, they get to see reality with the kids...)

Not surprisingly, my DDs (4 & 2 1/2) seem to have figured out the score. My older one has specifically verbalized that she wishes DH were in control of certain situations because, "Daddy let's me do whatever I want". Ironically, I've also seen her check in with me when she knows she needs permission for things because she knows that if I say yes, then it's really ok.

I don't know if this helped at all, I just wanted to let you know that sometimes parenting styles are just different and neither parent can completely change. It's nice to be able to reach some compromises, but these things tend to get touchy and it helps to be able to accept each others styles to a point. Believe me, I'm still working on it, but so far the kids seem to be adjusting.... :)
Good Luck!

[Moneypenny]

Ditto this. I think the consistency kids need is that each person usually acts the same, not that EVERY person acts the same. I know lots of couples where each parent has a completely different style and kids adapt just fine. As parents, though, you have to agree that you will let the first parent on the scene handle that situation their way.

Of course, if you have a fundamental disagreement with something your spouse is doing (e.g. yelling, hitting, etc) it's best to try to come to some kind of agreement about that.

Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif[/img][/url]

[megs4413]

>
>Of course, if you have a fundamental disagreement with
>something your spouse is doing (e.g. yelling, hitting, etc)
>it's best to try to come to some kind of agreement about
>that.

this is the problem. i cannot stand by and let him yell at her...especially since it's just completely undeserved. i see what it does to her...she's not even 2! this is the big problem.....it's not just that i let her get away with more....it's that he's just way too harsh in his dealings with her....

[Moneypenny]

Have you talked with him about this (calmly, after DD is in bed and you can both devote energy to the conversation)? If so, has he said that he thinks yelling is appropriate or does he realize he goes a bit overboard and wants to change?

Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif[/img][/url]

[dules]

I have selected a few parenting books that match my philosophy (in some areas), read them then gave them to DH to read on his commute. Then we talk about them and what works/what doesn't etc. for us.

We are both more or less parenting by instinct but when our instincts don't match up it's nice to have a book to refer to, not necessarily for answers but for a basis for discussion (so we don't argue, point fingers, etc.).

My favorite so far is one posted here a few weeks ago: Getting it Right with Children. Sounds like your DH could also use a book (that you like already) that talks about normal developmental stuff so he has a better understanding of DD's curiosity, etc.

Good luck!

Mary

[C99]

IMO, it's actually not "super important" for both parents to parent the same way. Most children -- even very young ones -- will learn what Mom's rules are and what Dad's rules are and act accordingly.

Before we had kids, my DH joked that I would be the bad cop and he would be the good cop. Until DS turned about 3, the exact opposite was true - he was much stricter and had higher expectations that didn't necessarily match DS's development, and I, the primary caregiver, was much more lax. Now that DS is older, his original prediction is true - but if DH gets pissed off about the way DS is acting, man does he get pissed. I attribute a lot of DH's overreactions to stress - not that that excuses the behavior entirely. But we all have bad days and can be short on patience.

When DH and I are not seeing eye-to-eye on a parenting decision, we talk about it. I've read all the books, spend the most time with the kids, and have some idea what is developmentally appropriate, so I know that I sometimes approach things with an "I'm right" mindset, which isn't always the best way to get someone to agree with you. If I were you, I'd just talk to my DH about it and see if there isn't some other reason that her behavior sets him off. I'd also explain what is developmentally appropriate for her age, and ask him to try to empathize with her.

[maestramommy]

We have one bathroom drawer with our toothpaste, hairbrushes, hairclips, etc. Dora learned to open it and reach into it blindly and start taking things out. I think it's harmless. The other day Dh was stopping her from doing it, and I said I didn't think it was a big deal, guess he didn't think so, so I said, well if you don't want her to open it, we have to put a latch on it (like some of our other cabinets). So he decided it wasn't that big a deal. Because it's not like she can open the toothpaste or anything.

I think you and your dh have to decide which drawers can't be open and put a latch on them because you can't be barking "no's" at her all day. Save the "no's" for really big things you can't do anything about. And I agree that yelling at her is NOT effective, wresting said object from a baby AFTER they have it makes them miserable unless you can make sure it's out of their reach from then on.

Can you give her one drawer full of safe stuff she can play with? We have a kitchen cabinet like that. The heavy stuff in it are immoveable, and there are her little plastic bowls, bottles, and such that she loves to pull out.

[niccig]

I agree with deciding what will or won't be the rules together and putting away things that you don't want her to get into it. My DS has always been into things, so from a very young age things were put away and if it's out, he can touch it. A friend's child is completely the opposite, he NEVER opened drawers etc. Her DH has trouble when other children like my DS are there, as he will leave his phone, wallet, expensive work camera equipment, including the big fuzzy microphone, out where they can reach it - and he gets annoyed when they do touch it. But recently their DS has been into things, including putting dad's new cell phone into a glass of soda, so he's now learning what to reasonably expect and MOVE things if you don't want a 2 yr old to play with it. A good strategy they used with their christmas decorations was too tell every child (all about 2 yrs) that came into their house what they could and couldn't touch. This worked with my touchy DS, he knows he can touch 5 ornaments on various tables, and EVERTHING else is off limits. Maybe that would work with your DD - on the vanity you can touch this and this and this, so she has some things to play with.

Talk about what you can and can't expect of it, and revise it as she gets older. I did read somewhere that young kids can remember 2 or 3 rules, not a gazillion and you're setting them up for failure if you have too many expectations.

Nicci

[megs4413]

this is what i did with DD and our xmas tree...i put three ornaments right at her level that were Ok for her to play with...everything else is off limits--and she does GREAT with it, but again DH thinks this is "permissive" and she should just understand that ornaments are not for touching....but that would just be too hard! she's a kid, you know?!

[bisous]

My DH and I tend to disagree in one of two ways. First, he started making up "rules" because he wanted to be seen as a parent. I mean, I swear he would just make them up just because so he would have some kind of authority. My favorite example is when he told our DS that he couldn't play with rocks in the backyard!!! What? I can't even begin to think of a reason for that one!

The second reason DH and I disagree is that he is less keyed into the situation than I am since I spend so much more time with our DS on a day-to-day basis. This is easily manifested when he is too harsh or severe.

Surprisingly, the thing that has worked best for both of these issues was communication between us. I sat him down once DS was in bed and I had a heart-to-heart with him about DS behavioral issues and rules. I basically walked him through the house and talked to him about problems I've had and solutions I've come up with and why I think they work or not. I was very, very, thorough to the point that I would say, for example,

"I think it is okay for DS to touch the drawers in the bathroom. Normally the room is locked up so there is no harm that he will get into anything that will cause harm. I need to spend at least a little time in the bathroom every day and it is actually safer for DS to be there with me. We can talk about the things that are in the drawers this way and it creates a learning activity. Finally, I like the idea that DS can explore and his world doesn't feel so closed off. If he does touch something that I don't approve of, I usually just explain that its off limits. Then I take it away gently but firmly and explain. This reinforces that certain things are okay to touch while others aren't and in the process, DS learns consistency and hopefully learns to listen to mommy." This is of course, only an example but I would go through the house like that. Once DH learned the thought-process that went into my behaviors he was more inclined to do things my way. I would end each discussion by asking earnestly for his opinion. Once he grasped the whole picture of the behavior and why it works a certain way, I was also more inclined to value his opinion. Now, I make it a point to report to him on various behavioral issues and then "ask" his opinion. Most often, he says I am doing a great job and has no suggestions--but he still feels involved.

Sorry that this has been so long-winded but I thought I would share what has worked great for us.

HTH

[MonicaH]

Hi Megs, My DH and I have had many discussions about this too. He has said that (for instance) DD can't play with our keys because she might hit the panic button on the remote unlocker-thingy. Never mind that the range is so short that you can't even do it from right outside the garage and she is in a different part of the house, she didn't have the dexterity to do it at the time either. When we talked about it, he said that he was afraid he'd be a big pushover and so he needed to make a stand to try to be strict lest he get trampled so to speak.

I don't know if you have read Unconditional Parenting or not...it is kind of out there in some areas (using neither praise nor punishment with kids) but one of the points that Alfie Kohn makes is that in terms of how we interact with our kids, it's not permissiveness per se that causes the most problems but *fear* of permissiveness. He says it is because when people fear they are being permissive, they go out of their way to be extra harsh with their kids and punish them/yell at them for normal kid activities that are harmless but not "good behavior" so that it's clear that the parent is in charge.

I wonder if your DH is applying the way he was raised to these situations with your DD? That would seem to open up additional issues.

Monica

[megs4413]

this is really interesting point. i think this is exactly what DH is doing....trying so hard not to be permissive, that he's just saying no all the time....add that to the fact that he doesn't really know what she's capable of behaviorally for her age and you have a bad combo...as far as DH's parents, they just spanked him a lot...or smacked him or whatever. not really abusive, but the whole "spare the rod, spoil the child" mentality. I'm told he was a horrible kid.

i'm trying to figure out the right way to approach this situation. it really helps DH when he sees it in writing from an expert, but there's no way he has time to read a whole parenting book...is there maybe a good article online i could find on this topic? something like realistic expectations and the importance of gentle parenting...or something?

thanks for your advice, Monica!

[megs4413]

thanks for the advice...i'm not sure i could get DH to do that....but i have had some luck when i explain why i'm letting her "get away" with something...and he is getting better about EXPLAINING to her why something is off limits. it was hard to get him to do that...cause he didn't think she was listening/understanding, but it really does make a difference in her reaction when you not only take the object away, but you explain to her why you had to.....

[MonicaH]

Megs, I would recommend a few things. I have not had a lot of time to read (nor much need to...yet...) but this is what I have come across.
--Becoming the parent you want to be: it's a long book, but is broken up into relatively short segments (1-2 pages) so maybe you could find relevant parts and show to DH.
--There's a series of books called "your 2 year old" "your 3 year old" etc I don't know the authors' names but they have been mentioned here before and you could probably search for them. Apparently they are about the developmental stages of each age and what you can reasonably expect from your child at that age.
--www.gentlechristianmothers.com is a site that is about biblically based gentle discipline. I haven't spent much time there but others on the BBB have I think. You can read all the content without registering, I think. Here's a link to some articles about discipline at different ages: http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/topics/gentlediscipline.php

Gotta go to work. I hope this is helpful.

Monica

[candybomiller]

I find it interesting that your dh was a "horrible" child. Do you think he's being strict as a reaction to that label? In other words, he doesn't want your child to be a "horrible" child and possibly be hit/spanked so he's trying extra hard to make sure that the child is on her best behavior?

I don't know if I'm explaining it right. Let me know if it's clear as mud. :)

[ShanaMama]

I also found that an interesting way to describe a child, but with a different take. It sounds to me that his parents may have had unrealistic expectations of him as a child, but he internalized them as normal expectations. For example expecting a child to sit thru an hour long dinner party. If he was spanked for not sitting nicely & quietly, he may think his DD isn't behaving if she doesn't sit nicely & quietly. Rather than realizing that his parents had completely unrealistic expectatons, he may be perpetuating those atitudes.

Just my thoughts, and if I'm on the mark, helping him realize that he does this & educating him as to what is an appropriate expectation may be ways to aleviate the reactions.

[megs4413]

direct quote from DH's mom:

"if I'd had him first, we wouldn't have had any more children."

i actually ended up friends with Dh's 3rd grade teacher, and she said he was a nightmare....a real behavioral problem. he was always getting in trouble at home and at school.

i think he was bad because he didn't get enough attention, so the negative attention worked for him, instead. DH's parents have never been invested in family...they both are VERY busy people and have lots of commitments outside of raising their kids.

I think Dh thinks that if DD is well behaved that that means we're "good parents". i think he's desperately trying to prove that we're good parents, not just to other people but to himself. He wants SO badly to be a good dad, especially since his father failed him in many ways. But, her behavior, though in some ways is a reflection of our parenting, cannot entirely be controlled by us--nor IMO, should it be!!! he's trying to so hard to be a good dad by having a well behaved kid that he's ignoring the fact that being a good dad is also allowing your kid to be a kid and make some mistakes....and he's not checking his reactions to her "mistakes" or making sure his expectations of good behavior are developmentally appropriate....

Candy, I think your post really helped me to see this....i never really thought about how him being labeled "bad" might make him want to do things differently with DD....thanks for the post!

[candybomiller]

Glad I could help!