How Mad Would You Be...

[Raidra]

If you found, shoved to the back of your closet, a collection of letters and cards from your husband's old girlfriend(s), mixed in with stuff from you?

Just trying to determine whether I should be upset or not. The cards and letters are from before he knew me, and are mostly innocent, although there are one or two I wish I hadn't seen.

My reason for being upset is that my husband sort-of cheated on me (an online fling, they never met in person) about 8 years ago, when we were still long distance. He moved to my town shortly after I found out (yes, I guilted him into it), and during the following months when we were dealing with it, I got rid of all the stuff I had kept from previous boyfriends, etc.. and told him about it, hoping he'd get the hint and get rid of all the stuff I knew he had. And I know this is nit-picking, but all this stuff, which includes a bunch of things from me, was in an envelope from his ex-girlfriend. I don't know why that bugs me, but it does (that he kept stuff of mine in her envelope).

But part of me says to just forget it, that he's been totally trustworthy ever since, he chose to marry me, and has been a great husband.

So, whatcha think? Would you be upset? Or woud you let it go?

[elliput]

I'd let it go. It's just paper. You are flesh and blood.

[psophia17]

Let it go, definitely.

My DH has a bunch of things leftover from previous gfs, and I couldn't care less - I have him, and I trust him, so no big deal. If he kept stuff from me and other gfs in the same container, a container that an ex had given him, I would likely think "idiot," and be glad he'd smartened up over time - must be my influence, right? ;)

[JoyNChrist]

It's hard to say, because I tend to be more of the jealous-type (horrible, I know, but I just think that DH is so great, everyone else must want him too, lol).

Since you've had no reason to doubt his commitment and trustworthiness for so many years, I'd probaby just let it go. It is just paper, and chances are good that he has probably forgotten that all that stuff's even there.

I have a watch, which I wear every day, that was given to me by an ex-boyfriend (I don't keep if for sentimental reasons, I just really like the watch). The battery recently died, so I suggested to DH that instead of me buying a new battery, he could get me a new watch for Christmas. He was completely puzzled about why I'd want such a thing, if there was nothing wrong with the old one. The fact that it was from an ex didn't seem to faze him at all.

Yeah, I'd just let it go, as long as nothing else is going on to make you doubt his faithfullness.

[dules]

Rationally, I know you should let it go. But it would (irrationally) bug me too. Hugs.


Mary

P.S. Does he know you found it? He might have just forgotten he had it, and toss it now.

[scoop22]

i know dh has a box of stuff i gave him, i don't even think he knows what is in there. i don't even think he knows where it is. i would have a hard time letting it go. i would have to ask him. i would try and be calm but he still has it. but again, dh keeps everything ever given to him.if it really upsets you and you can't let it go, ask. try and be calm.. good luck


http://b2.lilypie.com/XbITm4.png

[ellies mom]

Well, considering I've kept letters and such from exes, I wouldn't be that mad. I can't speak for your husband but just because I'm no longer dating that person, doesn't mean I do not have pleasant memories of those times. A few years back, I did go through and weed out a bunch of the stuff to make room for new "memories" but I did keep the things that are extra special to me.

Those items take nothing away from my husband. They are just from a different part of my life. I know my husband has items from ex-girlfriends (mostly photos) but he is married to me so it doesn't really bother me. It isn't like he is sleeping with them under his pillow. That might make me cranky.

[hillview]

I found a bunch of old letters to DH in a box when we were cleaning out. It was in with a bunch of bills etc. I asked him if he was meaning to keep them he said no he'd forgotten about them. I tossed them. DH doesn't have a wandering eye and is very much an absentminded professor type so I was a little jealous but know he was really not secretly reading them or anything. I think it depends on why he has them.
/hillary

[crl]

I would not be upset. I know my DH has stuff from ex-girlfriends and I don't care. But he has never "sort-of cheated on me." So I'm not sure if that would make me feel differently.

[megs4413]

ditto ditto! i would hope that i could slide past it...but knowing me...it would bug me to death...HUGS!

[katiesmommy]

Same here, I would know that I should just let it go. But then there's that other part of me that would be saying, "But why does he feel the need to hold on to this stuff?" And, not to be the bearer of bad news, but I had a friend who had found several old letters from her now ex'husbands old girlfriend. A few weeks later she found out that he had been keeping an online "relationship" with the girl, telling her that he loved her and he was going to leave his wife for her, so on and so forth. Hope you get everything resolved.

[candybomiller]

Honestly, I'd be livid. I made a point of throwing all of my stuff from old boyfriends away when dh and I got together. Then I made a point of throwing away all of his stuff from his ex-girlfriend. There's no reason for it to be in the house that we share.

[sdoyle]

Agree with Veronica. I also have some old ex pics and cards around as does DH. They are mainly shoved at the back of a closet somewhere. It's not like either of us look at them all the time (or ever) but they were fun times.

I guess I don't know why we keep them except that I am kind of a packrat and haven't gotten around to throwing them away. I'm sure it is probably the same with your DH. Ask him and see what his reaction is. You'll know if you need to worry or not by his reaction.

(PS- 8 yrs is a long time and you're married now, I bet you don't need to worry :))

Hope all goes well!

Stacy

[randomkid]

I guess it depends on the situation. DH has letters from an ex-girlfriend that he had a very special relationship with. She died a few years ago and her husband gave my DH a box of letters and pictures that she had kept from her time with my DH. I guess those things used to bother me a little bit, but now it doesn't. It's not like he reads them everyday and I don't go through them since that would bother me a little. I trust DH and know the history of their relationship, so I'm ok with it. Now, if he had letters and such from his ex-wife, then I'd probably be ticked off. He does have pictures, but he is keeping those for my stepdaughters so they have something from that part of their lives. He will give those things to them when they are older.

I slowly got rid of stuff from my ex-boyfriend and it did take me some time to dump it all, although I do still have pictures. It wasn't that great of a relationship, so it doesn't bother me that they are gone. I do have things from other relationships that I will keep, so I can't fault DH for keeping things either.

As far as them being in the same box/envelope - that's just a man for you. I really think that wouldn't mean anything to them.

[Raidra]

Thanks for all the advice. My husband is a total packrat, so I tend to think he just forgot about it. Although I dunno why he kept it in the first place, but whatever. I'm trying to forget about it.. it only bothers me if I start obsessing. :) Like someone else said, I don't think he's secretly pulling them out and reading them when I'm not around.

I'm not sure if I'll end up bringing it up or not. Right now I'm of the mind that it wouldn't be worth the trouble.

He has been really trustworthy since, and that one incident 8 years ago was 2 years into our relationship, we were living 1400 miles apart, and were definitely going through a rough patch. Not that I'm making excuses, but obviously we're not having any sort of trouble like that now.

The one thing that I'm tempted to ask him is about this one card that I don't recognize who it's from. If it's from an old ex-girlfriend, it doesn't bother me, but there's this little nagging voice wondering if it's from that other woman. I can't remember her name, must've blocked it out. Hmm.

[lizajane]

i still have all the letters my first love sent to me. and DH keeps a box of photos of old girlfriends that help him to remember special times in his life. (there are very few photos and a few different women.) our past defines our present. i wouldn't concern myself.

[oliviasmomma]

I'd let it go! I still have a few letters and poems from old boyfriends that are in a box, stashed away. I'll probably get rid of them someday, but they are pretty funny for comic relief. (I even have the note from my 8th grade boyfriend!) I culled most of them before we got married--especially those from a very bad and painful relationship. As long as none of the pictures and letters are "adult" I wouldn't care.

[rorycam]

I have kept letters, pictures, etc, from past boyfriends, and DH has some pics and letters from his past as well, boxed in our basement, and it does not bother me at all.

As long as it is not something your husband gets out everyday and moons over, I would let it go. I enjoy the memories of good times I shared with people I loved in my past, even though ultimately my life and love is with my husband.

[redhookmom]

It wouldn't make me feel good! I would tell my dh I found them and ask him to throw them out.

[dogmom]

I got to disagree with the posters who said you should make him throw them out, I mean had a life before you came and he should be able to remember it fondly later in his life if he wants to. Just remember, you carried his child, much more permanent that a old letter. Why did you throw out your stuff? Just so he would throw out his? I don't look at my old letters, etc., but I would really resent it if my DH asked me to throw them out. Now if I cheated on him with an old boyfriend, then that's a different story. Heck, I'd be impressed if my DH kept things from me in a special spot, with other women's stuff, as opposed to stuffed in random places around the house.

My DH had a live in GF long before I met him that he probably would have married, but she died in a freak accident. One day I found some stuff from her randomly crammed into a box in the basement with old TV guides or something. My first thought was sort of a gut wrenching feeling of something not good. But after a while I thought, "This is how you treat stuff from someone you loved? To languish in a moldy basement. She should haunt you!"

No if someone's significant other is dragging out their old love letters and getting all teary over them on a regular basis I think that's a different story.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03
& Eve 6/18/06

[KBecks]

I know how difficult it must have been to find the stuff.

That said, do you think he's been looking at the stuff, or is it more of a -- he isn't looking at it, but it just got shoved in the closet and forgotten about.

My DH still has some photos of his old fiancee. (The one he told me he was still in love with while he was dating me, sigh.) They are relics of his early life and he never looks at them. It used to bother me a bit, but it doesn't now that we've been married a long time.

I think you should stay calm and put the stuff in perspective. They are mementos of his earlier years and it's unlikely that he's reliving his "glory days" with the stuff.

Why not talk about it and let him know you found the stuff and that it made you feel jealous, but that you love him and he's been a great husband and you're glad he chose you.

Anyway, hang in there. Discoveries are tough and it's human to be jealous even of the old old long gone flames.

[denna]

I totally agree. I would say the same thing to myself. I have an ex (and you can guess why shortly) who kept a *photo* album of all of his ex's(!) And the pics werent exactly elegant(!) IYKWIM! So that was that (not the only thing of course). And in the beginning of our marriage DH had an ex-gf that kept emailing him, etc. It is a more drawn out ordeal then just this, but this is a girl that he told me (before we were dating) that was the only person he *had* ever loved and he completely regretted dumping her! There was no way them talking would continue!

I dont consider myself a jealous person, I just think some things are a total lack of respect. I would never do something like this to DH so I would expect the same in return.

(HUGS) Good luck, I hope you are able to resolve this soon.

[punkrockmama]

Aww girlie, just wanted to give a big hug and a chin up. It must have really sucked to have found that stuff. It would have startled me along with hurting my feelings and my ego. Especially in light of the bump you had years ago. But...

I agree with those who say to let it go. I keep everything. Sometimes because I'm being sentimental, sometimes because I forgot about it. Guys are also good at throwing things together, shoving in the back of sompleace and forgetting about it.

So while I'm not poo-pooing your hurt feelings, just let it go sister. Your man loves ya like mad and there are no worries.

Hugs. :)

[jgriffin]

Wouldn't bother me a bit, although if I did see such a pile, I wouldn't go digging through it for more detail (not sure if I'd even ask DH to get rid of it). I probably still have a stack of letters from my exH, and I know I've got a couple of photo albums with lots of pictures of me and exH, and I'm not about to start selectively removing photos or cutting them! Neither of us dwell on our past relationships, and we both have the packrat gene. I think it's ok to be upset, but try not to be for long and let it go (especially if he's willing to get rid of the offending papers).

Also, I find hinting to DH to get rid of stuff is often ineffective (ok, hinting to DH to do almost anything is ineffective). :) I've started pulling boxes from the garage on a weekly basis for us to go through while we watch tv in the evenings. So far it's only been old bills and the like, but I'm sure at some point we'll find more personal stuff.

[elephantmeg]

Only so mad, I would bring it up and have him get rid of them though. I had to move DH out of his room (think knee deep in junk) after we got married and I made him throw them away at that point. However there was this really corny frog with a crown that his ex-gf had given him (had a tag saying "you're my prince", lol that I just made him get rid of when we moved last year. It had been in with his other stuffed animals.