How to raise a child who is appreciative of gifts

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Dh has 3 older kids. The two girls 29 and 25 called today telling us what they want for Christmas. All items are very expensive $200 and up.
DSS and DIL, however, are so the opposite. They are always TRULY happy with what they are given. Truly appreciative-- it is such a joy to watch them open gifts. And the gifts they give us (especially Nick) are choosen with such great care that even though they have no money (grad schoolers)
they put so much thought into it that it is always a joy to receive from them. I am just wondering if any of you have any thoughts on how to raise an appreciative (gift wise) child?

Susan

#1 Nick 11-18-04
#2 Kate 04-26-06

[Tondi G]

I have no thoughts.... I wish I could say that my DS wasn't already totally spoiled but he is! I guess thats what happens when you are the first grand child!

[hez]

Our pastor told a story this morning about a child whose mother got a job at a department store for the holidays and between sales & her discount was able to buy everything the family wanted for Christmas. When she asked her child why he looked dejected after everything was open, he said it was because he "had nothing to look forward to."

I don't remember getting everything I ever wanted for Christmas-- I do remember writing letters to Santa to ask for things and being excited if any of them were under the tree. I do remember being amazed at the sheer number of gifts a cousin (we were the poor relations and still are) opened one Christmas when we celebrated Christmas at my granparents' house. A bit of envy, obviously, but looking back, I think my parents did a good job.

I took away from this that we need to look at quality vs. quantity for Payton. He's pretty darn excited about every last gift he gets right now, so I think in the future it's a matter of being choiceful & emphasizing how special each gift is as he opens it. And then it's also a matter of keeping on the thank you cards to remind him how special each person was who gave him something.

[hobokenmom]

I think from day one (or when your child is probably three) you (meaning the colloquial "you" -- all of us) need to make sure that your child child sends thank yous made by them. At each age, kids are certainly capable of doing some part of the thank-you process depending on their age and developmental stage. One of my hugest pet peeves is when my child receives a thank you note from a friend and THE MOM has does the entire thank-you 100%. My children generally don't have huge parties where they invite over 10 kids, but I insist that they write individual thank-you notes and address them themselves. Yes, it's very time-consuming to spend time writing thankyous, but such an important thing in my mind, and well worth it in the end. I send thank-yous for gifts that I receive myself, so I think modeling good gift-receiving etiquette is important as well.

I also spend a lot of time discussing gift giving and receiving etiquette with my children, and how best to handle "sticky" situations.

If we've been to a party where the birthday child has been particularly "bratty" about his/her gifts or just in general acted poorly at the party, I also discuss those types of situations with my children -- how innapropriate the behavior was.

I hope this all makes some semblance of sense to you. I think you do what you can as parents, and hope for the best.

Good luck.

[KBecks]

Would it be possible to ask your DSS and DIL, since they are great? (And then, tell us the method?? :) )

[kelly ann]

Susan-

Seriously, adults in their 20's called you up to tell you what is on their Christmas list? And the items were expensive? I would just give them a gift card (for a lower amount than the gift) at the store that would sell their desire gift and they can pony up the remaining money for the gift. But I am kind of mean ;)

No advice for you. However, sometimes I think some people are just wired differently. Even though my brother and I were raised the same, we are total opposites when it come to this gift thing. I don't think I could name off one thing that I want for Christmas...or it would just be practical things. But my brother and his wife keep a wish list all year long on Amazon and remind folks it is out there. WTF? You are in your 30's - why do you need a wish list? They even prioritize the gifts on the wish list!

[Lovingliv]

I totally agree with Amy.

Olivia had sent thank-you notes for everything she has ever received.
this is something my mother instilled in me growing up....
I work on please and thank-yous daily as well.

[Jenn98]

I have to sorta disagree. I have a wish list for myself, DH and DD, but I only give it to very close family that ASKS for it. And I loooooove when people give me a list because it makes shopping so much easier. My parents are going to get me a relatively big gift and they want to get me something that I want, so they beg for ideas. I have a list with 5-6 things as small as a few dollars all the way up to rather expensive gifts (the expensive gifts are because sometimes family members will go in on a gift together and get someone a bigger gift.) Anyway, my point is that there is a polite way to have a list and a very unpolite way to have a list. Not all lists are bad! :) It does sound like your brothers list is annoying since you didn't ask for it, though.

[kelly ann]

I can see your point and I think most people do have a mental wish list. But you are right...it was really annoying to get the email the first time about the list (not even close to Christmas time) and to keep getting the email. At least they do have items on their list for the kids, but at least half the list is made up of their stuff!

[mamalia]

My DD is 22 months, so take this with a grain of salt. It is just what we do:
- When she is given a gift, we say "thank you." Verbally and we also write cards together (she just draws on them).
- I remind her who gifts are from, and about how nice it was for so and so to give her something that made her happy.
- I include her on the giving process - selecting, wrapping, giving, or all of the above.
- I point out how happy she made the other person with her gift.
- And specifically for Xmas, I've been telling her that it is baby Jesus' birthday, to remind her that the season is not really about what WE get.

I hope to raise a truly appreciative child.

Malia

[hwin708]

Honestly, I don't think there is a sure-fire method. I agree with the previous posters that thank you notes and general reminders to be grateful are all good things. But mainly I think it often goes hand in hand with raising a nice kid, who is aware of the feelings of those around him.

That being said, in defense of your stepdaughters, I wouldn't say they are terribly ungrateful. More like a pattern has already been developed. And it's not too uncommon with men and their grown daughters. Particularly divorced men. As their daughters get older, and they have no idea what to get them, they tend to expect to be given lists. And dads tend to be the ones who get the big ticket requests. In part because they're more willing to pay for them, and in part because dad will not be scouring all the stores to find a variety of presents. Just a couple big ones and done.
Anyways, I find that less a sign of gift-grubbing, and more a convenience within families. And with all the stress of finding the perfect gift and reacting to all the presents, it's nice to be able to be upfront with your immediate family.

[julieakc]

DH and I both have amazon wishlists, as do several of our friends....even my MIL! DH and I both update ours throughout the year as a way of reminding ourselves things we want (CDs, DVDs, books)....but we don't send the list to people except to the family members in our gift exchange so they have some ideas. The wishlist is helpful for our birthdays too...so I know what DH wants and vice versa.

I also have one for DS which again I don't give out unless someone asks...generally the grandparents and his aunt/uncle. DS's list is really helpful for me to keep a track of items I think he would like or would be good for certain skills (DS has low muscle tone so I am very conscious of the gross and fine motor skills necessary for toys).

I would definitely think it was annoying and inappropriate for someone to repeatedly send me a wishlist unsolicited.

[julieakc]

Like others have posted DH and I try to set a good example for DS. When he gets a present from someone we say thank you and have recently started encouraging him to say it himself (he's speech delayed so it's only been within the last couple of months that he's actually been able to verbalize this). We've also made a big deal to say something like "that was very nice of X to give you that nice Y" in front of him as we say thank you for the gift.

As he'll be 3 in Feb. I think he's old enough to understand more so this Christmas I've been talking to him about how we get gifts for the people we love, and he's helped a little with the wrapping.

I've been doing thank you cards in his name since he started getting gifts, and this is probably about the time I will have him start helping with the cards. I have in the past told him I was writing thank you cards, and have had him hand the card to people if we're giving it to them in person.

DS hears me saying thank you to servers, sales clerks, DH, etc. on a regular basis which hopefully has an impact.

I think it's probably just a general attitude about material things that parents pass on to their children...both by example and by what they talk about.

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

No, I don't think they are ungrateful, not my wording. I just would like to find a way for my kids to not have expecttions for what they will be given. The wishes of the girls did kind of put us on the spot this year as we are doing this on a budget.
Susan

#1 Nick 11-18-04
#2 Kate 04-26-06

[oliviasmomma]

The common element I've seen is when kids are appreciative, the parents are appreciative. I've written about the "spoiled" kids in my family, and it seems to me that a big part of the problem is that their parents could care less about who gave what (remember, this year they just want cash), or how much thought was put into gifts. Based on your original post, it is obvious that you notice the time and forethought put into gifts, your kids will follow suit I'm sure!

To combat the gimmies in our family, DH and I take DD around after we open presents and thank everyone individually. I also try to remember at later functions, what DD likes to play with, and I mention it to the respective family members.