Does DH know details about your child? Should he?

[american_mama]

Does your DH know details about your child like.... name of their teacher? Names of friends? Name and location of pediatrician? Food preferences? Small likes and dislikes about clothing or books or toys?

Now, here's the real kicker. SHOULD DH know these things? My DH does not know these things (although probably thinks he does) and I think it's wrong. Specifically, the lack of doctor and preschool knowledge bugs me, and he always feeds them food that 1) they don't like and 2) is too large a portion for them anyway.

I understand that I'm going to know details about my child that DH does not because of the amount of time I spend with them. So when is a detail just a detail and when does it matter? Shouldn't DH feel a tad bit shamefaced when he sees a photo of his daughter with three preschool friends, grinning ear to ear, and he doesn't know who any of them are?

[bubbaray]

Yes, my DH does for some things. He is VERY involved with DD as a parent, at times more than I am due to my demanding career (and current pregnancy-related extreme fatigue and general malaise).

My DH isn't "strong" on the daycare kids names (nor their parents names). I'm working on that, but honestly, having him know how to make DD's lunch for daycare is more important to me/her than the names, KWIM?

He's also not great on medical stuff. I doubt he knows what shots she's had, what drugs she's been on, etc.. He's also not great at giving a doctor a patient history for her. I generally do the medical stuff, or I have been known to give hiim a list of talking points to take to the dr (I have no idea if he actually refers to such lists in the exam, though).

Now, clothing, do NOT get me started. He will dress her in the oddest outfits, even though I have her closet organized by outfit. He must be color blind (he swears he is not). He also seems oblivious to whether a piece of clothing actually fits DD -- for example, she is currently wearing last-year's pink snowman yoga pants that are 2" too short, with a different color pink turtle neck and yellow socks (that are soooo visible b/c of the short pants). Thankfully, for at least part of the day she was mostly covered up in her ski gear as they were skiing. I have given up on the clothing front. I can only pick so many battles, KWIM?

He is good at the food stuff, routine/schedule stuff (knows her bedtime routine, knows which days she gets a bath, what toys she sleeps with, etc.). He's also much better than me at playing with/entertaining DD.

Hmmmmm, maybe I'd better get him more than a lump of coal....


Melissa

DD#1: 04/2004

DD#2: c/s 01/2007

[megs4413]

FWIW, my DH isnt super involved with DD's life away from him, but he still knows most of that stuff...i'm not sure if he could find her pediatrician's office on his own, but he at least knows the name. I think your Dh should make an effort to know that stuff...are you telling him all that stuff? my Dh wouldn't know if i didn't tell him, since he has never actually been to a playgroup and he doesn't feed DD any of her meals, etc...he just relies on me keeping him up to speed....

on the question of when is a detail just a detail and when does it matter....my opinion is that if it's something DH would need to know in order to take care of your child for a week without your help...then he should know it! your child's friends names probably wouldn't be a necessity more a detail...IMO

ETA: this post got me wondering so i gave DH a quick quiz this evening to see how much he really did know...and it turns out he knows all that stuff...he did pretty darn well on his pop quiz! though he didn't know the ped's phone #!!!

[KrisM]

DH knows most of that. He knows the names of DS's friends, but wouldn't recognize most of them. He also knows the names of their moms. But, this is just from conversation with me or DS, not because he does things with those people.

We use a family doctor, so DCs doctor is my doctor and DH's doctor. But, he doesn't know what shots they've had and what they need still.

Food is a definite yes, as are toys and books. DS doesn't care about clothes. DH dresses both kids oddly when he dresses them.

I do think they should know most of this stuff. I want to know that if I away for a while, DS and DDs lives would continue as normal. When I was in the hospital with DD, DH took DS to the park and he was happy to realize when meeting a mom he knew the name of her son.

[elliput]

Yes. DH knows the names of DD's teachers and all the kids in her class. He does 90% of DO/PU. DH has taken DD to the ped by himself several times as his work is much closer than mine. DH is pretty much in the know regarding everything about DD.

[Wife_and_mommy]

DH knows almost all of those. It's a function of me telling him about our days, though. I don't know that he would look for this info if he didn't need it immediately. He's not one to store useless info in his brain.



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[MommyAllison]

Yes, he knows all of that I think, and I think he should. Lately I've had various things to attend and DH has to take care of DD while I'm gone - it is nice to know that he will feed her the right things, etc. He's gone to a few of her ped appts and in general is pretty attentive to details re: DD.

Allison
Mama to DD 11/05

[MarisaSF]

I guess "should" depends on how much he wants to know. Does he feel disconnected?

Does your preschool have parent participation? DD's not in preschool yet, but I did meet a lot of SAHP-friends through a local playgroup. DH felt disconnected and wanted to meet other families as well, so we organized a few weekend activities where the working parents could meet each other and the kids. We also have individual families over for playdates and meals so we can all get to know each other. Is that an option for you?

Re. teacher and doctor info, I would consider those things emergency information. Program numbers into cell phones and post location and contact info prominently (on the refrigerator, for example). Food and clothing preferences are important too... not quite "emergency" level, but it sure can feel like an emergency when a kid is screaming about something! ;) I'd suggest going over preferences (frequently, as they evolve) to avoid meltdowns when he is caring for them and you're not around. It would make everybody less frustrated.

Good luck implementing! I know I've forgotten to tell DH things sometimes and it makes them both frustrated (esp. wrt a new bedtime routine preference). Re. the friends thing, I wouldn't worry too much. My parents still need reminders about who is who among my friends that I've had for years. :) Your DD will have long-term friends and he will know them.

[billysmommy]

DH knows some of this but definately all of it. We have ped #'s programmed into our cell phones and taped onto the back of our cordless phones (along with poison control and 911).

He has never taken or gone with Billy or Benjamin to the ped but does know her name and has talked to her on the phone about them.
One thing I did - we have a little notebook in each of our cars that has directions to the places we may need to go - ped, daycare, grocery stores, friend's houses, relatives. These notebooks stay in the cars and NEVER leave them. It is such a big help, we never have to worry about how to figure out where we are going. And when someone comes to stay (like my mom when I was having Benjamin) she knew they were there and didn't stress about having to take Billy and go anywhere.

He does know alot of his friends names because Billy talks about them non-stop and we have his class picture in our kitchen and he always loves to show us who is who.

As for food/clothing preferences, Billy is always changing his mind and half the time I don't even know :)

[hez]

Yup. But then again, I only spend 10-12 hours more a week with Payton than DH does (I work 4 days). DH takes sick days as often as I do if Payton's not feeling well, so sometimes DH is even better at comforting Payton than I am.

On the flip side, my dad would have seen a picture of me with 3 school friends, and unless I'd brought them home, wouldn't have had any idea who they were. Dad always did better with our friends as we got into middle/high school and he could have real conversations with them.

Your DH isn't going to learn what the kiddos like and don't like food-wise, clothing-wise, etc. unless he tries, and maybe he'll have to try and fail once or twice to get it right.

But I'd push the ped info. That's sort of important :)

[holliam]

DH is a stay-at-home Dad and I work full time from my home office. We both go with her to any appointments. I honestly do not think there is anything about our daughter's life that the other one does not know. She does things and says things differently to each of us but we share those stories nightly.

For a while, he knew her playgroup friends better than I did, but we have an online message board now and get together on weekends too so I feel like I know everyone just as well now.

Holli

[KBecks]

My DH knows where the pediatrician is located. He probably wouldn't know their names. I don't think he knows the names of the playgroup friends. We're not in school yet, etc. He does generally know food preferences, although Alek's preferences swing wildly.

I don't know if your husband needs to know the details, as long as he spends time with the kids and when they tell him stuff, he is attentive to their emotional needs.

[newnana]

Yep, DH knows all this stuff. We both work full time and as such make it a point to focus on DD in what little time it feels like we have with her when she's awake. Unless one of us has an important meeting, we both go to all appointments. When DD is ready for the dentist, only DH will take her so that DD doesn't pick up on my fear. DH does 90% of the DC DO/PU.

While DH knows all the stuff, his translation isn't best. If the DC teachers have a question, they typically call me even though he's the one they see every day. Also, I'm more medically literate than DH, so he leaves those decisions and questions mostly up to me and listens intently.

I'm so lucky. Of course, this is going to lead me to a separate post about insurance card questions. Thanks for the great question!
Michelle

[amp]

Yes, he knows most things. There is always stuff that I know more about, just by nature of being home with the kids all day, while DH works, but he knows the important stuff and some of the not so important stuff too.

[octmom]

Hi, Karen. I think that my DH knows at least as much about DS as I do, but since we both work outside the home, we spend comparable amounts of time with the kids. DH gives DS breakfast and drops him off at daycare in the mornings and knows the teachers and classmates. I know them too and see them at pickup each day when DH and I meet there to pick up both kids. Even though they are at the same place, I am usually out of the house a little earlier with DD. DS is less clingy with DH at drop off than he is with me, so we do it this way. He also bathes DS every night and does the bedtime routine most of the time while I am with DD. DH spends a good amount of one-on-one time with DS and knows things he likes and dislikes that I don't know, just as I know some things that he does not. When DS went on a field trip to the apple orchard this fall, DH was the one who went along rather than me. (We both really wanted to go, but I had an important meeting that morning.) I spend a bit more time one-on-one with DD and her teachers because I am still nursing and I go to to daycare at lunchtime most days. I expect that he will know as much about her as I will as she grows older, but right now, I think I handle a bit more of her care than he does-- feeding, baths, sleep, etc.

We try to both make it to pediatrician appointments for both kids as much as possible (both well-child and sick appointments), but each of us has gone solo when the other cannot make it, particularly to sick appointments since they come up unexpectedly. If I can't make an appointment, I usually give DH a few questions to ask the ped. He doesn't usually do that if I am going solo, but I fill him in on everything.

I guess every family needs to decide what balance is right for them and both parents need to agree about it. DH and I approach parenthood as equal partners and understand that at various times, each of us may do more of the work and know more details about one of our children, but it will always be something we do together.

ETA: My own dad would not have known my friends' names or my likes and dislikes. He still doesn't! ;) I think my grandmother, who was very involved in our daily lives, probably knew more of this stuff about me and my brother than my dad did. My dad was involved in things like little league for both of us as we got older, but I don't think he was as involved when we were really young. And he was definitely more involved with "guy activities" with my brother than he was with me.

Jerilyn
DS, 10/03
DD, 3/06

[kijip]

Yes, he does. And yes, IMO he should. However, I know that he is more actively involved in those details than many fathers. The important thing for your family is what works for you and your husband. I know some families where they are perfectly happy to not have both parents involved to that level of detail. However, it sounds like you would like it to be different in your house and that is what is important- what you and your family want and need.

[Laurel]

Yes he does, and yes he should. Granted, DH spends more time with DD than most dads I know. Still, these are the kinds of things that a parent knows about a child. I'm the one who spends more time with her, schedules play dates. takes her to the Dr., etc, etc, but DH still hears about these things and is a part of them from time to time. As to likes and dislikes, I'm sure I know more about that than him, but he still knows plenty.

[sdbc]

DH knows everything about DD. We both work FT, so we both have to pitch in with everything at home. We both go to all pediatrician appointments, so DH knows everything that happens there. I wonder if DHs of SAHMs know how good they have it!

[Tondi G]

YES my DH knows pretty much everything you have listed there! Only things he might not be 100% up on are DS's friends but he also just switched to a new kindergarten 2 weeks ago so I'm still learning the names of the kids that DS is friends with!

I am a SAHM so I do most of the sick visits to the ped myself of with my mom along. DH is always there for the well visits and shots so he can ask the ped any questions himself!

I think it's important for Daddy's to know these things!

~Tondi

[maestramommy]

My Dh is somewhat involved, to the extent that is possible for someone who works full time. He might remember some of the kids' names from Dora's playgroup because I keep mentioning the same ones :-), and he did know her ped's name, but we just changed peds, and the new one's name is unusual, so he might not remember. However, he knows that she is current on all her shots, some of the foods that she can and does like to eat, although he might not know the amounts. Clothes, I don't know. The one time I had him dress her for church, I had her outfit laid out the night before. He DOES know which books she likes because he reads to her every night, and during the weekend she is always bringing books up to him to read.

Dh probably knows 3 of her friends fairly well because we've been to their birthday parties and he talks to the parents at other gatherings. Otherwise he usually has trouble with names in general.

[punkrockmama]

Well, yeah. Dh knows the names of their ped (and has taken Peyton by himself before), what they eat, their little quirks and all that. If I fell off the face of the earth he would not be clueless. He's the one who takes the boy to Gymbo so he knows the names of his little friends more than me.

And yes, I think he SHOULD. I mean, even the littlest details are big when they're small like this. So I think it's important to know what's up.

[Moneypenny]

DH is a SAHD so he knows those things. I know them, too, as I think I should. He does have me trumped on knowing her little friends, though, because I've only met a few of them. I know their names because she talks about them, but when I see pictures of them DH has to point out which one is which.


Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
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[redhookmom]

I guess my dh and I work on a need to know basis! LOL

All important details of my children's lives on the inside of one of our cabinet doors.

As far as likes or dislikes I know more about toys he knows more about their food likes.

I ask lots of questions about what goes on at school so I know more about friends. He talks to them a lot about outdoor activities so he would know about their knowledge in that area.

I think it matters when there is no intrest in any area of their lives.

[saschalicks]

My DH is VERY involved in my DS's lives. He knows all of the stats I know. He does forget names of parents of the kids in our day care, but generally he's not good w/names, so that's forgivable. My DH is very hands on w/the boys and I don't anticipate this changing. I am a very lucky woman and I tell him that a lot.