Age spacing between children---Your opinion wanted. [Archive]

mommyapb

12-18-2006, 10:50 AM

At all the holiday parties DH & I keep getting asked when we are going to have another baby. DD is only 9 months old but we are already getting pressure for #2 (light pressure but pressure non the less). I had always though we would wait until dd is 3-4 yrs old. But now I am thinking maybe it would be better to space the kids out
2 yrs and a couple of months apart. My concern wit this is that I will short change dd by taking way vital mommy & me time. I've always heard that hte first 3 yrs of a childs life are some of the most important & the more time a parent spends cultivating a child's mind & talents the better. But if we were to wait until dd is 3+ I am afraid the new child & her won't be close/ playmates etc.
Any thoughts?
Here are the pros & cons I have come up with for each age gap:

2yr-2.5 yrs apart
PROS:
Close in age
Playmates
DD not completely spoiled as only child (less impact of new baby)

CONS:
New baby takes time away from DD
DD may have slower development
DD not potty trained yet
More work for me (read: exhaustion)
DD jealousy

3yrs apart
PROS:
DD more independent
DD had 3 yrs of mommy & me time
DD potty trained

CONS:
DD & baby's interests don't match= not close to one another/buddies
DD had 3 yrs of only child

I am sure there are way more in each category so I would LOVE to hear what others experiences & thoughts are.

Thanks!

elephantmeg

12-18-2006, 11:20 AM

I am so looking forward to reading replies on this topic. DH and I have gone around and around on this subject too. DS is (almost) 10 months old. To further complicate things my bro is getting married May 2008 and at this point is looking at Negril Jamaica (we lived in JA for a while) and I can't imagine going with 2 little kids. However the threads I'm reading of new mom's with 3 year olds makes it sound really challenging-3 year olds are more used to things being the way they've always been....

sdbc

12-18-2006, 11:21 AM

It's a totally personal decision, but I will say that I have 2 brothers. My eldest is 3.5 years older than me, and the other brother is pretty much smack in the middle. Of the 3 of us, my eldest brother and I got along best as kids. I think the age difference actually helped us get along better.

We have an only-child, so I obviously don't see anything wrong with that either... If I were younger and planned to have more kids, I would space them 4-5 years apart. My brother has a boy and girl 5 years apart, and they are very, very close. They don't do the exact same activities, but he is very kind and loving with her.

Sue, mommy to Aurora (Rory) born 5/13/04

SnuggleBuggles

12-18-2006, 11:32 AM

There are going to be equal number of pros and cons no matter what. You need to go with the spacing that feels right for you and not worry about it.

If we get lucky with TTC there will be 5yrs between kids. I was not ready or interested in having more kids until just a few months ago. I was certain I was done and I have had to deal with the "when" question forever. Dh and I both loved our small family. Honestly it was a decision that was very personal and I wasn't going to be swayed by peer pressure. Ds would have been an only child and I would have been very happy with that because it felt right for us.

Good things have been that we have been able to really focus on ds for the past 4+ years, we will be able to space out college payments, we have sleep pretty solid (knock on wood), no diapers (didn't pt till 4yo, just something to consider since you put pt down under 3yo), ds is independent, I don't have to constantly supervise him at home, he can understand more if baby's needs have to come first sometimes, he will be able to help more, no double strollers, no need to pack the whole world for travels, we have gotten a taste of how much easier it will get (saw the light at the end of the tunnel) which is helpful when you are in the hardest days of baby hood when you feel like you'll never be able to go out for dinner and a movie, ds can go on sleep overs...

I honestly am not going to call the other things bad. We will have the challenge of them being on different pages on some things. Ds will be riding roller coasters while #2 will still be in kiddie land. I'll have to worry about ds' Legos and other choking hazards- things I haven't had to worry about for a long time.

But, I was younger than my sibs by 7 and 11 years and I really liked it. As we have gotten older we have hit very equal footing as kids and marriage evens things out. When I was little they were around some of the time but then they went off to college. That means that I got to have the car and house to myself. I got perks of being an only but I have siblings out there for that family connection. When I was little I had a best friend that took on the role of sister.

Siblings can be overrated too. My husband has 3 siblings and we all like each other fine but no one goes out of their way to be close. They have always gone their own seperate ways (well, 2 of them were closer when they were kids). The spacing was 2-4 years between each kid so that wasn't a factor.

They recommend at least 18 months between births for ideal health of mom and baby. I know they came out with a study that pinpointed when the exact healthiest range was for optimum health this summer but I can't remember the exact findings. I think it was between 2-4 years.

I would have more kids when you feel you are ready. If that is soon then I know you will find positive things about it. If you choose to wait I know you will find positive things about that too.

Everyone's ideal family is going to be different so please don't let anyone sway you. Personal experiences vary and influence our choices; my friend was #1 and #2 came 7 years later and she didn't like that so her kids are 2 years apart (and it has been a big challenge for her).

My analogy was this:

Have them close together and it is like jumping into a swimming pool and you have to get all the kids safely across the pool at once.

Space them out by 4+ years and it is like jumping into the pool and getting one child safely across to the other side then jumping in and starting all over again.

Both have challenges and you just have to decide which one feels right for you.

I don't have #2 yet so maybe I should chime in again in a few years. :)

Beth

hobokenmom

12-18-2006, 11:33 AM

I think you can really argue this either way - I certainly see advantages to both (2 year spacing vs. 3+ years spacing).

My first two are almost 3 years apart, and I think that was perfect for our family. That's not to say that my 3 year old wasn't very much aware (and could verbalize) his displeasure with having a new baby in the house, but in the long run I think they'll be close.

In my opinion, a three-year-old is much more trustworthy and independent than a two-year-old. I live in an urban environment in a brick rowhouse that has 4 floors to it. I am constantly going from floor to floor, and it would have been very difficult to have a two-year-old and a newborn. Another example of why 3 years apart works for us is the whole parking situation here. When I had a newborn, I knew that I could park my car, get my three-year-old out, put him on the sidewalk and say, "Wait here" and then walk around and get the infant carseat out of the car. You can't really trust a two-year-old to do that.

I think you really need to assess your individual situation, the amount fo childcare help you'll be able to get (from both DH, grandparents, or a babysitter, and the type of house layout you have. Having kids closer together can be intense (fast and furious), but in a few years it gets better. Then you'll just have the afterschool activities.

One other potential problem that I see with having your kids only 2 years apart comes up when they are the same sex. Problems sometimes arise when the younger one thinks that he's as old as the older one, and it can be hard (or unfair) to the older one. I hope that makes sense.

My older two are 4 1/2 and 7 years older than my youngest, and I think it's incredible to see how much he has enriched their lives. I just love to watch my children interact with their two-year-old brother.

Good luck.

buddyleebaby

12-18-2006, 11:35 AM

I would say do what works best for your family.
My two are 15.5 months apart and any more will probably also be closely spaced. My siblings and I, otoh, are each three years apart.

I will say that I do not believe that having children closer together will somehow stunt the eldest's development. And that you can not account for a child's reaction to a new sibling no matter what their age. You really have to think about what is right for you and your dh.

Also keep in mind, that plans are just plans. I would have been much closer to my brother had my mom not suffered two lost pregnancies in between. And in my case, I had planned to have my children 20 months apart or so. Sometimes life gets in the way.

mommyapb

12-18-2006, 12:08 PM

Thanks everyone for the replies. I am hoping that we get a ton more--I really am curious as to what everyone thinks. I just wanted to add that DH WILL NOT have another one b/c of family pressure ( we didn't have dd because of the pressure:) but rather when we feel we are ready. It is just figuring that part out which it tricky. I thought if I could hear the advice/experience of all your wise BBB moms if would give me some good food for thought.

Can't wait to read more!

tny915

12-18-2006, 12:45 PM

I just wanted to chime in because I've posted a few times about what age spacing is best. I've always gotten very thoughtful responses, and I've realized that when it comes down to it, the age spacing really doesn't matter. Whatever the spacing turns out to be for my family, it will be perfect. I'm sure the same will be true for your family. At any age there will be cons, but I personally choose to focus on the pros. Whatever the spacing is, we will make it work.

When DH and I talked about our life plan, we always talked about having children 2 years apart. After DD was born, DH has never been ready to have more. The window for 2 years apart passed, and then the window for 3 years apart passed. I'm a major planner, and at several times over the past few years, I've freaked out about the fact that we are not having what I always thought was the ideal age gap. I've since let go of trying to plan, and we're playing it by ear for whenever we both feel ready to expand the family.

As for the pressure you're getting, we get it too. We usually turn it around and say, "Well, we'll have another after YOU have one." Or we just smile, nod, and change the subject. Family planning is nobody's business but yours.

ETA:
I forgot to mention this. I also think you don't necessarily need to figure out when you think you'll be ready for another. For me, a day came when I held a friend's newborn and just realized that I was ready. When that happened, I was able to let go of all the planning and overanalyzing of age gaps. Pros and cons didn't matter, I was just ready. I've been a lot calmer and a lot less analytical since I've reached that point.

candybomiller

12-18-2006, 12:52 PM

For us, it's going to work out best with a 5 year spacing between kids. DS will be in kindergarten when #2 comes along. I don't think I'm up to the challenge of two at one time, so this is just what worked out best for us.

Dcclerk

12-18-2006, 01:21 PM

I totally agree that you are going to get opinions from all sides of the spectrum and that what works for some people would not necessarily work for you.

We have kids 2 years apart now, and will have another one in May (a bit over 2 years spacing). It can be somewhat crazy. But, I actually think that those dynamics work best for me. I like to have my downtime, but I also really enjoy the mayhem that an active family creates. My DS (child #1) didn't like the baby for about 3 weeks, and then never could remember life without her. I suspect that DD (child #2) will have a tougher time adjusting to Baby #3 than DS did to her, but that she will end up never remembering that life was any different shortly. I didn't find that DS lacked my attention early on, because for the most part, DD just came along for the ride for everything. Even when nursing, I was often reading to DS or "playing" something, so there wasn't much to take away from him. And, although I am tired, I think I would be even more so if I had greater spacing. Right now, both kids still take naps. That gives ME a much-needed break. They also go to bed quite early (around 7-8 p.m.), which also gives me more time to myself. Heck, when they wake up too early, I can often tell them to just play with each other for a little while so I can sleep some more, and they do!

What has endured, at least so far, is a ready playmate and buddy for each other. I have no idea if it will last into adulthood, but I can honestly say that my guys are good friends. I love to walk into the rom where they are playing, and see them hugging without any prompting from an adult. I love to see how my DS likes to help his little sister and she idolizes him. I am sure that the same could happen with greater spacing, but with them only being 2 years apart, the interests are pretty similar, and they can do a lot of the same things.

Good luck in your decision :)

elliput

12-18-2006, 01:23 PM

I would not worry about the playmate issue. It is all in perception and how you foster the interaction between your children. Also, remember that even though you are TTC things may just not go as planned. An ideal spacing in your eyes may never happen.

caleymama

12-18-2006, 01:24 PM

I like your analogy!

My sister and I are almost 4 years apart and that was a good spread from my perspective. My mom has said that anyone who wants a second child should experience a four year old first, LOL. My sister and I were far enough apart to have different friends, interests, needs, etc. and we weren't in high school or college at the same time. We were close enough, though, that we played together a lot and enjoyed vacations and have gotten closer as we've gotten older. BTW, I'm the older of the two.

My two, on the other hand, are 27 months apart. DD was 18 months old when I got pregnant with #2. This spread was fine for about the first year and then it got really challenging once DD#2 became really mobile because I had a 3 year old and a 1 year old headed in opposite directions and both still in need of a lot of help and supervision. My older DD was very articulate and independent and was potty trained at about 2, but she was still only 3! The second year with them was very hard for me. Now that they are 2 and 4 things have settled down a lot. They are both potty trained and are good playmates (most of the time). We still have plenty of issues, but it seems like the issues are more similar for the 2 kids and mostly revolve around either discipline or the older DD wanting to do something /play with something the younger one isn't old enough for or doesn't understand.

We're undecided about a #3 - leaning towards no - and obviously #2 and #3 would be farther apart than #1 and #2 were. I'm thinking if we go for it, it won't be until our youngest is 4, maybe 5.

HTH.

KBecks

12-18-2006, 01:30 PM

I'm just out of the 2 under 2 phase, and it is a lot of work, no joke. But it can be done, lots of people have done it.

You forgot the *2 in college* at the same time --- $$$ to your list.

I think the jealousy is greater if they are further apart, as your first will have been the queen or king for longer. Also, the sex of baby #2 may affect the reaction.

Anyway, I'm a believer in the best laid plans often get messed up. If you run into any secondary fertility issues, that 3-4 years could end up a bigger gap (which is fine if you are aware it could end up like that) Either way would probably work out. Good luck!

mudder17

12-18-2006, 01:33 PM

Sent you an e-mail!

Eileen

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/33734.gif 33 months...

http://www.tickercentral.com/view/6wrn/1.png

http://www.tickercentral.com/view/6wrn/2.png

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/33732.gif for Leah

KBecks

12-18-2006, 01:36 PM

I was thinking the exact same thing and then wondering if I got the hint or was reading into something.......

lisams

12-18-2006, 01:45 PM

My friend once told me something that stuck with me - no matter how far or close you space them it is never a gaurantee that they will be "close" (play great together and get along great for life)! Her two are 18 months apart and their personalities are so far from each other, they really don't play together that much. They love each other dearly, as any siblings would, though. As an adult I'm closer to my brother that is 4 years apart from me than the one that is 18 months.

I will admit that I am having a lot of fun with DD, who is four, getting ready for this baby! There will be an adjustment, but she is totally loving talking to my belly, helping pick out baby clothes and toys, etc. It's also comforting to me that she can play for an hour on her own here and there. I'm also really looking forward to having a little baby around since it's been so long. Knowing me and how I handle stress, spacing them apart was probably a really good thing. Plus I've really enjoyed having DD all to myself for 3 years. She'll be in Kindergarten in a year so I can take this baby to things like Gymboree classes and have some alone time with him while she's at school.

It just depends on you and DH. No matter what, it'll work out. There are positives and negatives either way. Whatever you do, don't let other people pressure you into it - it's a very personal decision.

sdbc

12-18-2006, 01:47 PM

I have friends with 2 in college at the same time. It actually works out better financially that way than having them totally separate. Financial aid takes into account 2 kids in college at one time, but it doesn't care if you just had one finish college--you get no advantage for it.

Sue, mommy to Aurora (Rory) born 5/13/04

mommyapb

12-18-2006, 01:50 PM

Just an FYI Dh & I are not ttc right now. I am still nursing dd & have yet to get my period back(yeah :)). I plan on nursing dd until she is 1 yr if not a little longer. Thank you so much to all of you for the input. I know you can't plan these things completely but I like to error on the side of over-planning vs. under-planning.

ETA: Lisa thank you for your post. The spacing you will have for your children is the "ideal" DH & I have planned. But with all our family & friends having one after the other I was starting to wonder if we should rethink this. That is why I decided to post--see what others have to say.

megs4413

12-18-2006, 02:32 PM

i liked the previous analogy of getting the kids across the pool safely....for us, though, we were more interested in moving through the baby/toddler years quickly and all at once! our DC will be about 23 mos. apart. we had hoped to have them 2 years apart...and we got pretty darn close!!! my bro and i are exactly two years apart and we really really liked growing up together...i think that was one of the biggest factors in my decision.

it has always been a plan of ours to adopt foster children, so we wanted to have our bio kids while we were young (i didn't want to sign up to raise children before i had some experience doing it!) and then adopt (or foster since we haven't really decided which yet) when the kids are between 8-10 yrs old. if we had distanced #1 and #2 more, it would have delayed the adoption thing that much longer...if that makes sense....

a con that to having them close together that you may not have considered is a medical one! some OBs will recommend that you give your body two years to recover from a pregnancy...i don't feel it's that important, but it is somethign to consider at least...

one thing that was important to me in deciding to have them close together is that i didn't want DD to remember a time without her younger sibling. i liked the idea of them always having had eachother...i don't know if it will cut down on jealousy or not, but i can hope anyway!

KBecks

12-18-2006, 02:35 PM

Wow, thanks for sharing that!

mommyoftwo

12-18-2006, 02:42 PM

Ditto that. I want to know. :D

MommyAllison

12-18-2006, 02:54 PM

Me too :)

Allison
DD 11/05

MartiesMom2B

12-18-2006, 03:16 PM

I agree with PP who said that your best laid plans might not happened. It took me 10 months to conceive this one - so at one point I thought my kids would be 3 years apart, when they'll more likely be 4 years apart. You know what, I really don't see any disadvantages of this spacing. Yes, I'm going to have to readjust to going back to sleepless nights and changing diapers, but I think that my rest period has given me the strength to do so. M is so excited to be a big sister now and she can't wait to be a helper.

As other's have said it's not the spacing of your children that will ensure that they are friends. It's how you parent them and how their personalities are. DH's sisters are 2 years apart and they can't stand each other to this day. I don't think it helped when MIL told SIL#2 that she should be more outgoing and be more like her older sister.

So what's best for you and your family. Not what outsiders say. They aren't the ones who are going to raise that child.

-Sonia
Mommy to Martie
& Li'l Girl Bunny to come Feb. 2007
http://bd.lilypie.com/Kchhm4/.png (http://lilypie.com)

tarynsmum

12-18-2006, 03:28 PM

um.... :7 :7 :7 Inquiring minds, Candy!

mommyto4

12-18-2006, 03:31 PM

I heard somewhere (can't remember where) that the best spacing is less than 18 months or more than 3 years. However, I know alot of people that have 2 year spacing and it works great for them. I think that it is a personal issue and the couple needs to decide for themselves what will work best for their family. I have an almost 14 year gap between #1 & #2 (infertility issues). Then, I have 16 1/2 months between #2 & #3, and 19 1/2 months between #3 & #4. Three in three years is very busy, no dull moments in my day.

o_mom

12-18-2006, 03:36 PM

We are in the closer is better category (obviously) because that is what works for us. Some of our reasons:

- DH is significantly older than me (6.5 yrs) and really doesn't want to be retiring before the kids are out of high school. :-)

- We had fertility issues with DS1. The procedure to correct it has no long term studies on how long it is effective. The RE's experience was that it seems to have a lasting effect, but no promises. So, it seems better to make hay while the sun is shining.

Pros to close together:

Don't have to store a bunch of equipment between kids.
Don't get used to sleeping through/potty trained/being able to go places, etc. and then have to go back.
Carseats won't expire ;-)
Closer interests - sharing toys
Able to move through stages quicker - diapers done and gone sooner, fewer worries about oldest playing with small parts later, etc.
Clothes can be handed down (same gender) without being completely out of style
DC#1 never knows what they are missing.

Cons:
Having to do everything for 2-3 people, little or no indepence of the older one (try getting across the parking lot with two under three)
No sleep for many years straight
Possible more sibling rivalry - they are only one year apart in school, so that may be an issue later with sharing friends, etc.

Good Luck with your decision!

tarynsmum

12-18-2006, 03:36 PM

My SIL got married in Jamaica last year, and it was a lot of fun! I was pregnant with DD, but there were a lot of kids (those without kids stayed at Sandals, and Beaches was right next door, with the "with kiddos" were). We hung out as a group a lot, and were allowed to go back and forth as we pleased, so it wasn't like those with kids were left out or anything.

nfowife

12-18-2006, 03:38 PM

I think it's a personal decision. We planned on 2-2.5 years apart, but it took us 6 months to get pg w/DD so we started TTC with that in mind....and got pg on the first try! So DD and DS will be 21 months apart. A little closer than I wanted, and I am getting more nervous about it as L-day gets closer and closer, but obviously we'll have to make do! I am 5 years older than my sister and 8 years older than my brother, and while I love them both dearly, I am not terribly close to either of them (though it is getting better now as adults) because I am in a different phase of my life and always have been. They are actually quite close with each other, though, so I think around 3 years is a good spacing.

o_mom

12-18-2006, 03:46 PM

Umm, yeah... I was still nursing DS1 and hadn't got my period back when DS2 was conceived... :-) Just make sure you are using BC, because if you aren't preventing, you are trying.

saschalicks

12-18-2006, 04:13 PM

You know how others are saying the best laid plans...

Well, DH & I talked about TTC starting at DS#1's 2nd birthday. We didn't want them less then 2 years apart, but not more then 4 years. Like you can plan that? What were we thinking? My mom warned me about how fertile she was and we did get DS#1 on our 2nd try (1st was just a let's see what happens). We had no money.

Then DS#1 was 9 months old and AF just didn't show. I jokingly bought a pregnancy test, thinking there's no way. Well, guess what my miracle is 1. Our kids are 17.5 months apart. I NEVER thought that would be me. I have an older brother who 5.5 years older and a brother who is 8 years younger.

I'm closer to my younger brother, yet grew up with my older brother. It's all a crap shoot. I don't know if my boys will be close. I hope so, but I don't know.

I, like you, was just so petrified I didn't give DS#1 all of the time he needed before having #2. I was crying all through my pregnancy with #2 that I had short changed my baby. You know somehow I have time to spend with each, 1 on 1, even though I work FT. I make it a point. Yesterday DS#1 and I watched Toy Story together. Then I got on the floor and played cars with DS#2. You make it work. Do what's best for YOU!

Good luck.

shishamo

12-18-2006, 04:27 PM

My kids are 2 years 3 months apart and 2 years 6 months apart. It works for us. azx

playmates:

They are great friends (my #1 and #2 play together, and my #2 and #3 play together). My #1 and #3 are almost 5 years apart, and they are sweet to each other, but they do not play together at all. For example, my son wants to play chess, my baby wants to play hide and seek.

potty training: my #2 trained at 24 months, so you could have one child in a diaper at times. It depends.(My #1 trained at 36 months)

Is it more work? I think it's yes and no. They DO play together a lot. A Lot. So in a sense, it's a lot easier. But they also fight, too.

Jealousy: My #1 was not jealous at all. My #2 was intensely jealous. So again, it depends on a child.

missliss55

12-18-2006, 04:37 PM

The spacing between my 2 DD's is 2 years 3 months. This has been perfect for our family and the girls are having so much fun together---the older one is dying for a bunk bed so she can share a room with her sister. But it can also be challenging at times. You just have to make the choice that is right for your family. I have a brother who is 5 1/2 years younger than me...and I have to say we were close when he was little but we grew apart. I went off to college when he was starting the 7th grade. He graduated from HS the summer I got married. We just didn't seem to click---we had different stuff happening in our lives. Now that we are older we are getting close again. Good luck!

mommyapb

12-18-2006, 04:45 PM

Yup on bc. Plus I have a progesterone issue (mc once before dd) & doc says I can't carry a pg w/o progesterone sup.

Thanks for the reminder!!

lizajane

12-18-2006, 04:52 PM

i think the only way to decide how close to plan them is to realize that you NEED another child- best way to know is when you take a HPT, you are VERY disapointed when it is negative.

here is my BTDT observations:

having two close together (for us, 3 days shy of 22 months exactly) has been incredibly difficult becauase-
pregnancy is very hard with a toddler
-you can't chase
-you can't lift as well
-you are too exhausted/nauseated to play with toddler

postpartum, same things apply

it is hard to go to a park with two running in opposite directions when they are both little enough to need very careful observation.

it is very hard to get out of the house when you have one who takes two naps and one who takes one nap. one is always asleep at home.

the second one doesn't have as many friends because you don't have school time to go to DC#2 playdates (if one were in kindergarten, you could still do all the mommy and me type things with #2 during school hours.)

things that are GREAT about having two close together:

first one doesn't remember your being a pregnant crabby mom
first one doesn't remember being an only child- their whole life includes their sibling in their mind (i asked my child this question recently)
they play together SO well (you hope!) when second one is around 18 months, entertain each other, etc.
big one CAN help mommy by fetching pacifiers, lovies, clean diapers, petting the baby's head, smiling at the baby, etc.
both enjoy similar activities- at 2 and 3.5, they play in the same area of the park, they both play in the baby pool, they both like the same videos, etc.
the big one is still young enough to be very interested and loving toward the baby (you hope!) schuyler takes a great deal of interest in dylan and really thinks it is his job to protect him and love him. some of his friends who are a little older and now have baby brothers or sisters are very un-interested in their siblings and want them OUT of mommy's lap.

o_mom

12-18-2006, 04:54 PM

I have prog. issues too... so it was kind of a scramble with DS2 to get my levels up since I didn't find out until 7-8 weeks (thought I had a period but it was implantation bleeding...).

Used to be fun when a doc would ask when my LMP was... ummmm.. three years ago?

Momof3Labs

12-18-2006, 04:57 PM

Yeah, Candy, it is time to SPILL!!

mommyapb

12-18-2006, 05:04 PM

Yep when the second dc comes, I am not looking forward to the weekly blood work up & suppositories (sp?). Sitting on pins & needles for 14 wks.

Momof3Labs

12-18-2006, 05:09 PM

Our two are almost 3.5 years apart. We planned for closer to 3 years, but our IF issues got more complicated this time around. But you know what? I'm loving this spacing. DS1 is so independent now. I can take both boys out with DS2 in the stroller, and DS1 doesn't run away from me. I can trust DS1 away from me in the house (like when putting DS2 down for a nap). And I can explain things to DS1 in a way that you can't with a 2-3yo. He just adores his baby brother, even more so now that DS2 is mobile and getting into toys and books. Plus DS1 is now in preschool so has something special to do (that gives me some time alone with the baby).

WRT the "mommy and me time" or "slower development" comments that you made about your first, keep in mind that your second doesn't get that in the same way and will do just fine. So I wouldn't put much weight on that in your decision making.

MelissaTC

12-18-2006, 05:18 PM

ITA with Sonia and the other PPs that said it depends on what you all feel is best for you. I also think your personality plays a part in it as well. Quite frankly, I am happy that my kids will be 4 years + apart. I KNOW I would have been a disaster with 2 close in age. As much as I would have loved to become pregnant and have another bio child, I know my personality and no one would have been happy.

M is looking forward to the arrival of his sister and has a good grasp of the situation. I am looking forward to the alone time she and I will have while Matthew is in school.

jk3

12-18-2006, 05:42 PM

It's wonderful when you actually get to choose but this is not always the case. We planned on having a 2 year age gap but this is not how it turned out. I think it's always possible to see the positive aspects of any spacing. There is no ideal!

Jenn
DS 6/03
& cautiously expecting in May!

MartiesMom2B

12-18-2006, 05:58 PM

Well, do you have news to share? I saw your interest in maternity clothes on that section.

-Sonia
Mommy to Martie
& Li'l Girl Bunny to come Feb. 2007
http://bd.lilypie.com/Kchhm4/.png (http://lilypie.com)

maestramommy

12-18-2006, 05:59 PM

Today for the first time I heard a pro for having them close together. A former colleague said 18 months was supposed to be the perfect space because if they can't be twins they'll still be really close. She and her older sister are 23 months apart and they've always been close. She and her younger sister are 3 years apart, and while they are close now, when they were kids the space was just big enough to be aggravating.

I've seen so many posts on the pros and cons of both large and narrow spacing that I agree with the pp who said you just have to go with the one that works for you. When dc2 is born I don't even know if Dora will be old enough for us to really explain the concept of the other baby. I have no clear plans for how to tell her, and I have no idea how she will react. It seems to me that jealousy can happen at any age. My second sis and I are 2+ years apart, and my mom told me I didn't react much at all when she came along (to her memory anyway), so I think individual personality comes into play as well. As far as individual attention goes, the first child is the only one who ever got your undivided attention, but you wouldn't assume that any child that came after was being shortchanged in some way, would you? I would try not to worry or analyze too much about how it will affect the future, since you can't predict that, and go with the spacing that affects your life now.

ETA: I am assuming now that I'll have two in diapers for a while, so no big deal. I just told dh that I want a REAL diaper dispenser, instead of the munchkin wastebasket we are using right now. Something big, like a Diaper Champ :-)

psophia17

12-18-2006, 06:02 PM

There's lots of activity in Butts, too...

buddyleebaby

12-18-2006, 06:23 PM

me too. ; )

ShanaMama

12-18-2006, 07:45 PM

Let us in on your secrets...

almostamom

12-18-2006, 08:10 PM

Candy, is there something you'd like to share with the whole class???? ;)

candybomiller

12-18-2006, 08:56 PM

I got it.

I promise that when there is something to tell, I will tell. We all know I can't keep a secret. Right now I'm doing early researching.

*whistles*

lmintzer

12-18-2006, 09:23 PM

Candy!! : ) : ) Thinking happy thoughts for you.

My brother was born when I was in kindergarten, btw. My dad had tried to talk my mom into only having one, but she prevailed. I was pretty jealous of my brother at first as I had been dethroned, but I adapted pretty quickly and was a second little mom to him. I love him dearly now! The 5 1/2 years doesn't really matter as much when you get older.

To the OP: my kids are 2 years and 7 months apart. This was closer than we intended, but I do love the age gap now. Jack was really ready to be a big brother. He was a very verbal kid, even at that age, and he understood that a baby was coming and what it meant. I think a 2/ 1/2-3 year gap is nice, though closer to 3 is easier in some ways--older kid can be in a room alone for a little while, can manage stairs, can climb into his/her own carseat. Some people say they like sibs 15-18 mos. apart. This would have totally broken me! I found it challenging enough to have a toddler and a baby. I would not have suvived two babies at once. I don't multi-task well enough.

Having problems typing--my wrist is hurting--wish I could type more--lots to say about this subject.

mommyapb

12-18-2006, 09:31 PM

Lisa,

When your wrist feels better I'd love to read more of your thoughts.

Thanks!

C99

12-19-2006, 12:07 AM

You don't always get to choose the spacing between your kids. My ideal spacing would be 3 years apart, but that's not what I got. My kids will all be around 2 years apart.

I also think that whether your kids will be close playmates or not really depends on their individual temperaments - and that's not something you can predict in advance. My mom's best friend's kids are all 3 years apart (except for the 4th, who is 6 years younger than the 3rd) and they are all close (3 girls and a boy). My nieces are 4 years apart and despite the age difference, seem to be good playmates. My brother and I are 6 years apart and we have never been close. It's really just a crapshoot.

elaineandmichaelsmommy

12-19-2006, 12:35 AM

our children are 3 years and 3 days apart and i love it. DD really loves her brother and we spent her second year in absolute bliss. my pregnancy w/ ds was suprisingly easy. They get along fairly well except that now we're beginning to see sibling rivalry and things like that. DD still wasn't potty trained when ds was born and that was a bit much for me in the beginning. but as soon as she started preschool she started wanting train.
The other thing i haven't seen a lot of people mention is maternal age. I'm 33 and had dd when i was just shy of 29. ds was born when i was 31. and we're not sure if we want more or not. so take into consideration your own age and decide if you want to be pregnant after 35. I know that if we have any more it'll be before i turn 35 b/c of the risk of downs syndrome, I've also heard from some older moms that i know that their pregnancies after 35 felt much more difficult than those earlier in life. Just food for thought.

Jen

denna

12-19-2006, 02:38 AM

First and foremost, this is a very personal decision and it is ultimately up to what feels right for you and your DH. I know that there are so many different, widely ranged opinions on this topic. I only have one DS (for now) so no BTDT experience parental-wise but some sibling experience.

I have read a few studies on this. I find sibling spacing, personalities, and social structure very amusing. My family is pretty far spaced my brother was 16yo when I was born, my oldest sister was 14yo and my older sister was 3yo. Her and I are the *closest* in age, but we are not or never really were playmates. It really is just a crapshoot though like PP's have said, if we had different personalities we would be much closer. I am very close to my oldest brother and somewhat closer to my older sister. Though my brother doesnt feel like a *brother* more like a second father figure. DH and his sister are 7 years apart and it seems like he fathers her more than he is her brother, this is all part of the reasons why I wanted my DCs closer together.

According to the study though, it states that under 2 years is too close for development of *both* children, especially the newborn. And 4 years is too much for social relations. So according to the study anywhere between 2-4 years is good spacing.

Our plans are 2-3 years between the children. I know lots of families that have them closer and it was not of any detrement to either child, but I also know a family that their DCs are 11 months apart 1 boy (older) and twin girls, and one of the twins ended up (and still is at age 3) very far behind the other 2 developmentally. Now this was/is a rare case (3 w/ only 11 months apart), though it could have nothing to do w/ the age of the other siblings.

I see all of the pros and cons, and there are too many to just go off of a list. Whatever happens IMO will feel right for your family, whats meant to be will be.

Also, have you thought about trying to potty train DD at 24months? It might not be plausible but it is possible to start trying. DH and SIL were *both* potty trained by 2 1/2 years, and I was potty trained at 2. I was planning on trying to get DS potty trained by 2 1/2 too, but I dont have any expectations just hopes ;).

HTH

punkrockmama

12-19-2006, 06:38 AM

What does your heart and your gut tell you? My thoughts would be to listen to that and let them tell you when it's time to have another kiddo. I get people nagging ya (gently and not so gently) but those really are the only things that matters. You never know what'll happen either. Life does what it wants.

Congrats and enjoy the little sweetie you have now! :)

mommyapb

12-19-2006, 10:21 AM

Starting to potty train around 2 is a great idea even if there isn't another baby on the way.

Thanks for the suggestion!

ast96

12-19-2006, 10:28 AM

I don't think there is an ideal spacing. I was 3.75 years older than my brother, and we fought constantly and are not close as adults, partly because, I think, we were never in school together and were really not part of each other's lives. My DH and his brother are 18 months apart, fought normally as kids, and are not at all close. My two DSs are 21 months apart, fight constantly, don't play much together because they are too young to do it without aggravating and fighting with each other. I didn't choose their spacing (as my grandma says, the pills failed), but I am having a third one in August that will be 3.5 years younger than the youngest. I didn't want them even that far apart, but I was still getting over 2 under 2 and couldn't do it sooner than this.

I think you just have to go with your heart and gut and see how things work out, and I think it has a lot more to do with parenting and cultivating relationships with your kids than spacing does. Also, my first son only had 21 months alone with me but is very advanced and verbal and hits all his milestones appropriately. ;) So don't stress. Do it when YOU'RE ready and things will probably turn out fine.

mommyapb

12-19-2006, 10:29 AM

>What does your heart and your gut tell you? My thoughts
>would be to listen to that and let them tell you when it's
>time to have another kiddo. I get people nagging ya (gently
>and not so gently) but those really are the only things that
>matters. You never know what'll happen either. Life does
>what it wants.
>
>Congrats and enjoy the little sweetie you have now! :)

THis may sound corny but I am hoping all you moms will understand b/c hopefully you feel the same way. I absolutely love my life where it is now--I adore my daughter & love her more & more each day. My marriage is great & we are very blessed with everything. I never imagined that I would be so happy. And in realtion to enjoying dd, I knew I would love her but I had no idea how deap that love would go. Sure she frustrates me at times but all it takes is that one laugh or thesloppy open mouth kiss that makes me feel like I've won the lotto. I've been told that with more kids comes more love & joy so I am really looking forward to that. But I do know myself, to function well & be truely happy I need a few things:
Order (in my house and body ie: no clutter & a chance to workout daily)
Sleep (atleast 6 hrs)

I have finally figured out how to meet those 2 criteria in my life & I know ading a 2nd child would throw it all out of whack. But I'm sure that is the case whether dd is 2 or 5.

For now though I can say I love where I am and I'm happy with that.

Thanks for all the replies:)

PS I love the tagline about not being stupid just not having time to edit....same goes for me!

cmdunn1972

12-19-2006, 10:49 AM

Thank you for saying this! There are sometimes things we can't control, and timing/spacing of children is one of them. For that reason, there is no "ideal" answer that's a catch-all, or even possible, for everyone.

Before we were married, DH and I always thought we'd have 2 or 3 kids. Then we found out that the odds of us conceiving just one was tougher than winning the lottery. We decided that adoption was the answer for us. Of course, waiting lists aren't necessarily in the 9 (or so) month range, making it impossible to space children according to some "ideal".

I do get questions sometimes from well-meaning, friendly strangers who don't know we adopted DS. (DS uncannily bears a striking resemblance to both me and DH.) I'm at a loss to honestly answer the question without divulging too much information about DS's adoption to people who don't need to know.

One thing I have learned through my own experience in the adoption world is that there is no "ideal" except the one you try to attain for your own family. Everyone's different, there are pros and cons to every option, and there are so many variables and things can come up unexpectedly to "mess up" (change really) your plans.

All in all, while we didn't plan it this way, I do think the way things turned out was "meant to be".

C99

12-19-2006, 01:05 PM

Personally, I'd wait to PT until your child is ready. If you don't, you are just going to frustrate both of you until such time as your child is ready to do it. I had 2 in diapers at the same time and it really wasn't that big of a deal.

ast96

12-19-2006, 02:02 PM

I agree with Caroline. I think diapers are highly underrated -- at least you KNOW where the stuff is when it is in a diaper. Not true with potty-training. And I have two words for people who think potty-trained is easier than diapers: public bathrooms. Try managing a child as he/she touches every single thing in a public bathroom stall. Okay, then add a baby to that scene. Yikes. It is not easy at all! Give me two in diapers any day! LOL.

mommyapb

12-19-2006, 02:05 PM

I never even though about public bathrooms--YUCK! Atleast you have a changing pad for protection when they are in diapers. I can't imagine a toddler "holding it" while you put toilet paper all over the seat. LOL As for touching everything...Thank God for Purell.

crayonblue

12-19-2006, 03:02 PM

This is such a personal issue and one that in my opinion really has no "right" answer. I've been told everything from "your children aren't going to play together because they are more than 2 years apart" to a friend saying "we don't even want children if they are more than 2 years apart." Two years apart doesn't cause magic to happen and create best friends forever. Can you tell I get a little irked by this?!

Lauren and Carmen are 2 1/2 years apart but Lauren will be a month past 3 when we bring Carmen home. For us, this seems very good timing as I don't think I could have handled two little ones very well.

My brother and I are 3 years apart. We have not gotten along well ever. Another brother is 6 years younger and we get along great and always have. My youngest brother is 14 years younger than I am and we are close, just in a different way. I think it ALL depends on personality.

Just my 2 cents!