Need friendship advice ... wwyd?

[ciaobella]

I am going to do my best to keep the set-up to this question simple, even though I could write about it for days!

So, I have been friends with this girl for 20 years (since elementary school). We have had times in our lives where we were very close (middle school, college) and other times where we were not as close (high school, now). We are very different, but we have always been there for each other.

Well, after college graduation our lives seem to have taken different paths and although we live in the same town we don't see each other nearly as often as we once did. I am okay with that, but I still go out of my way to remember her birthday and the like. She got married last January and I was her Matron of Honor (she was mine 6 years ago). Long term we have the same wants (marriage, family values, etc) but I got married nearly 6 years ago and am expecting DC#2 in February and she just gradutated from law school and is still a newlywed. Our lives are just in different places right now, I get that. So, what is my issue ...

For the last 3 years she has forgotten my birthday. Last year I said something about it and she felt terrible. This year, she actually called me the day after my birthday to catch up (not realizing she missed my birthday AGAIN) and in that conversation I mentioned that I had just had this wonderful gourmet dinner with my in-laws ... and she actually said, "oh, were you celebrating something special or was is a just because?". She was dead serious. I replied, actually we were celebrating my birthday. Her voice dropped and she felt terrible, and she followed with a bunch of excuses about how school had been busy, etc. I mean, I understand busy -- I work full time, I have been studying for the CPA exam (just took the last section - crossing fingers that I passed) and I am a wife, mother, daughter, friend, etc. All things that keep me very busy.

Well, she has made no effort since then to reconnect. I haven't seen her in 3 months, and in that time we have probably spoken 3 times. I got a call from her today and she left me a voicemail about catching up. Said that she graduated from law school this weekend and things had been busy ...

I couldn't believe that my supposed best friend didn't bother to let me know that she was graduating this past weekend! We went to each other's college graduations, so this would have been something that I would have expected her to at least tell me about.

Now, in all fairness - I called her last and she ended the conversation saying she would be in touch soon (that was probably Thanksgiving) so I didn't call on purpose. I just have gotten tired of feeling like I am the one that puts forth all of the effort in this friendship.

So, WWYD? Suck it up and call her back and try to reconnect, continuing to be the "Glue" of the friendship, or should I continue to let it fade away? My DH is pretty upset about how she has treated me over the last couple of years and would probably describe her as selfish / self-absorbed. I can't say that I disagree ...

I don't have a lot of girlfriends and I would love to keep this friendship alive, but the way it has been the past couple of years has not been very fulfilling.

A couple of other things ... she is my DS#1's godmother, but if I had to do it all over again, I am not sure that I would make the same decision. We wanted her and her now husband to be guardians if anything ever happened to us, but we have changed our minds.

If you are still with me, thanks for reading my mini novel. I would love your suggestions. Thanks again!

[Tondi G]

I am one that would continue being the glue! Like you said... you don't have a lot of girlfriends and you would like the keep the friendship alive! I would lay it on the table with her. Let her know that you feel hurt that she didn't let you know about her graduation from Law School and that she has forgotten about your birthday for a few years! I am sure after initially being defensive and going through the "well life has been really busy" she will understand and might try to make more of an effort to remember to keep you in the loop!

I am one of those people who always forgets about birthdays and calls a couple of days later begging forgiveness.... it happens! It doesn't mean I don't care for my friends.

Many people don't have life long friends like this.... and like you said, you are at different places in your lives but I am sure she will want you there when/if they decide to have a family and you will enjoy being there! Try not to look at the faults.... look at the positives and the times when your friendship was in full swing... you'll get there again I'll bet!

Good Luck
~Tondi
Mommy to Mason 7/8/01 and Aidan 5/4/05

[C99]

As I see it, you have two options - (1) have a heart-to-heart with her about how she's been treating you or how you perceive your friendship to be going. If she considers you as good of a friend as you see her, she'll be willing to change her behavior or make more of an effort. However, it could backfire and you would be emotionally exposed to a woman who has already (inadvertently or not) hurt you. Or (2) let the friendship fade away.

I would probably let it die, because from what you posted, it seems like a one-sided friendship. If you are using terms like "self-absorbed" to describe someone who isn't an in-law or related to you, do you really need/want this person in your life? She has to add some value to your life other than just having known you a long time.

There is a woman who is no longer actively in my life, who I've known since we were 3. Our parents are still good friends, and my mother considers her mother one of her dearest friends. And we have the same core group of college friends. So it's difficult. But when I was planning my wedding (and she was a bridesmaid), she said some incredibly hurtful things to me. I told her how I felt and she still stomped all over me. So I kicked her out of my wedding and we have barely talked since - I sent her an e-mail last year after 7+ years of not talking and she told me congrats for "squeezing another one out." Needless to say, our friendship did not reconcile.

[Wife_and_mommy]

I have a similar friend. I try to be cordial and courteous when we see each other/talk but I don't go out of my way to see her.



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I love them most when they are sleeping.--Me
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[MonicaH]

I've been in this situation more than once. It's hard to feel like the only one who cares about the friendship. In reality, though, some friendships are really strong forever while others wax and wane, as you have noted that this one already has (high school vs college). Who knows, in another few years if your friend has children she may feel more of a bond with you again.

From experience, I can say that it doesn't help to start keeping score, like who called whom last and who forgot birthdays more. I started telling myself "the only thing I can change is my expectations" meaning that I can't make someone be a "better quality" friend who remembers my birthday or calls once a month, but I can appreciate my friend as she is and keep the relationship going in its current, less active form.

The fact that she called you says that she is still interested in keeping up with you to some degree, so it isn't a totally one-way street. If you cut things off with her, both of you will be hurt, while if you call back it might not be a perfect situation but you have left the possibility open of continuing the friendship.

I hope this is helpful.
Monica

[youngmommy]

I'm sure I'm in the minority here, but I honestly don't remember my best friend's birthday. (I should really call and ask her.....) I am horrible with dates. If it's not in my PDA, it doesn't happen. She may just be someone like me. I care about my best friend so much, and it would hurt me terribly if I felt that she was offended that I don't acknowledge her birthday. (I don't expect any acknowledgement of my birthday either. In fact I'm surprised when people do remember. I guess that's just me.) If I thought my friend was hurt by my forgetting her birthday, I might pull back a little bit, because I would feel so terrible. If it's really important to you maybe try a different tack with her next year. What about calling her up a couple weeks before your birthday and telling her that you would like to go out with her in honor of your birthday. Make a date and plans together. I know it's a bit direct, but I'm sure your friend would be so glad to go and you would probably have a good time too.

Please have mercy on all of us who really, honestly love you,
and have a terrible time with dates!!

[ciaobella]

Thanks for the replies, they have been really helpful. I have to say it is not just about birthdays / law school graduation - those are probably petty examples that show ways that I have been hurt recently. For what it is worth though, she would be really upset if I forgot her birthday. One year in college I seemed to be the only one to remember and she was crushed. I wish I could better describe my frustration, but I think it is the total lack of interest in what's going on in my life (whether it be a birthday, a big exam, a new child) that makes me feel like she doesn't care. I just feel like friendship is a two way street and there should be mutual interest in the things that are important to the respective friends (even if it is just saying ... how are you feeling these days, how is school coming, etc). I know that she would be devestated to know that I feel this way. I think I am just trying to protect myself somewhat.

I, in all honesty, do not want to lose this friendship, and I know that when they have children sometime in the next year or so (she really wants to start a family soon), we will finally be back in the same places in our lives (sort-of).

I do like the wax and wane advice ... we may just be going through one of those wane periods.

[dules]

I was thinking the same thing. If I forgot (and was reminded) twice in a row I'd be likely to back off too. She doesn't have kids but from what I understand law school is demanding, plus she might not be good with dates, and she might be feeling pressure to finish and start her family etc. (since she's now 6 years "behind you" in effect).

If I were her I'd want to just set a date to go out together and have fun. Not rehash the past.


Good luck!


Mary

[Jenn98]

I haven't read the other respones yet (I get too influenced by them!), but I'd continue as you are now. You said so yourself that this relationship has come and gone. It will come back around again, just give it time. I'd lay off a little, but I'd also be a bit understanding. Send her a Christmas card, or call or whatever, but make a little effort. If I had forgotten your birthday 3 years in a row I'd feel pretty silly asking you to come to my graduation. I'd feel like I didn't quite have the right to have you celebrate with me when I forgot about you, iykwim. Anyway, I also get that people are busy, but they still need to make an effot once in awhile. It amazes me how long I can go without thinking to call a friend - I mean months can pass before I realize it's been awhile. I do care, I'm just busy.

[youngmommy]

I'm so sorry this has been hurtful for you. I understand what you mean now about this forgetting of your birthday possibly being a symptom of a larger issue in the relationship.

I thank G-d that my best friend and I got married about 2 months apart, had our first children about a year apart, and are now both expecting our second about 2 months apart!! (I've come out of the closet! I should change my siggie. :7 )

We have actually discussed how incredibly difficult it would have been for our relationship if we weren't in the same stage of life right now. Especially from her end, she may well be craving the life that you have right now, and it could even be a little bit depressing for her to spend alot of time with you. Maybe try to re-connect with another mommy girlfriend during this time, or plan to do so in January when things calm down a bit.

I do want to reiterate that it is possible that the friendship is just waning right now. I agree with PP that you should continue to keep up contact with her on a minimal level for awhile before giving up. I also do want to say that I would urge you more strongly than before to call her sometime and make plans to go out together as friends. A comedy club maybe, or dinner and drinks. I bet she would really appreciate that coming from you. Hey, you could even call and say: "Let's celebrate your graduation and my birthday. Maybe we could go..."


One other possibility that I'm thinking of after I re-red your post is that some people are just not good at either time management or at knowing how to be a good friend. I know that any skills or lack of skills that I have in that area were probably most influenced by my mother's time management skills and friendships. Think about what you know about her personality and the situation she was in growing up. That might give you a clue as to why she might find it difficult to even know how to be a good friend. I really think that friendship is a skill.

Ok, I gotta run. HTH!

[Dee150]

Congratulations! Hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy!

[KBecks]

I think you should stay friends, not getting a b-day card or more contact isn't a reason to end a relationship.

However, you may re-think her position as your BEST friend, and let go of your expectations for total closeness.

I understand your sadness for not getting b-day cards, but that's really a small thing in the big picture. Here's the question -- can you still enjoy conversations (when you have them) and is she there for you if something big happened?

It's OK to redefine your friendship and lower your expectations and place less priority on getting together, but dumping her over no birthday cards just seems..... petty.

I think it's positive that she took time to call you to catch up. Why not go with that and try and fine some time to hang out and have fun. Then just go with the flow and see her when you can... as long as it's still enjoyable when you DO have contact, that's the measure. If it's no fun when you get together or talk anymore, then consider growing apart gracefully.

Hope this helps,

[dcmom2b3]

Just a quick thought re: her graduation. Perhaps it wasn't a big deal for her. Law school is front loaded, and third year is pretty anticlimactic (sp?). I hated much of law school, and by the time I was done I was so OVER the whole thing that I told my parents not to bother flying out to my graduation. So maybe her perspective is different than you'd imagine?

[ciaobella]

Joyce - congratulations on your pregnancy!! Such wonderful news - thanks for sharing!


On the friendship front ... I want to reiterate that my disappointment in her forgetfulness probably stems from the fact that in college and other times in our lives we made a big deal about celebrating birthdays and the like. So, this is a change in behavior, iykwim? I don't need a birthday card or present, heck my issue is just about thoughfulness in general.

I really value the feedback that you have all provided. I think the waning of our friendship is probably a symptom of the fact that we are in different stages right now, and with time, hopefully that will change. My original post might have implied that I was looking to end the friendship, and that is not really what I meant ... it was more of a "how much effort should I give this friendship" sort of question.

I told my DH this morning after reading some of the responses, that I think I will stay the course. I will continue to do my part and just change my expectations and channel my energy towards some of my new mommy friends.

[elephantmeg]

Hmm, I have 2 perspectives.

I have a *best friend* from HS who I was really close to when we both lived in JA but she now lives in Canada, not married/no kids, works in a convenience store, I live in the US, married/baby/work in a hospital and we don't keep up much. She did send an x-mas/new baby present last week and I feel bad 'cause I haven't sent her an x-mas present yet. We agreed last year to skip it since shipping is expensive. So, we talk when we talk and e-mail some but that's it. Not really my best friend now and I can't expect her to be since she's not a part of my daily life anymore. Honestly I HATE talking on the phone and am not a chatty person through e-mail etc, I do much better with 1:1 and have trouble keeping up an intimate relationship long distance. Quite honestly I forgot her b-day too :) I did e-mail her and wished her a happy belated b-day. And she was my maid of honer 5 years ago.

Second perspective is someone who I lived with briefly in college who calls me fairly often and talks endlessly about her own life and doesn't care about mine. I really wish she'd go away to be completely honest. I doubt this is what is happening here.

IMHO I would downgrade the friendship to casual and enjoy what you do have and try to make new friends. I know, easier said than done, I don't have very many "girl friends" either!

[sdbc]

I have a very close friend of about 15 years. Our relationship has waxed and waned over the years when we were in different point of our lives. Both of us are bad with dates and are prone to forgetting birthdays and other special events. We just let it go. We are sometimes closer and sometimes more distant, but the friendship is worth it and I know we can always count on each other for emotional support.

That said, we have this sort of unwritten rule that we mention something about our or our husbands birthdays prior to the date as a mini-reminder. For example, I might say something like "I hope DH doesn't get me another electronic gadget for my birthday."

Sue, mommy to Aurora (Rory) born 5/13/04