How would you interpret this?

[egfmba]

Conversation alone:

I answer the phone; it's niece-in-law (NIL) who wants to know if I'm busy tomorrow, and if so, she and SIL would be happy to watch DS for me (since they're both home tomorrow).

me: I've got no plans, but if you want, I can bring DS over for a visit.
NIL: hold on...
SIL: hello?
me: hi. I was just telling NIL that I've no plans, but I can bring DS over for a visit.
SIL: well, if you want to bring DS over and run errands, we're happy to watch him for you.
me: I have no errands to run, but I can bring him over for a visit.
SIL: well, you can go home and take a nap, if you want, then.
me: well, I'll call you in the morning after I ask him if he wants to visit, because if I ask him now, he'll think I'm asking if he wants to go now, okay?
SIL: okay. If you want, MIL can pick him up and bring him over; you wouldn't have to drive out here. (SIL doesn't drive.)
me: that's okay. I'll call you in the morning and we'll see if he wants to visit.
SIL: well, if you have something you want to do, we're happy to watch him for you, and MIL can come pick him up.

Goodbyes are said.

Context:

The ILs never ask if I'll bring DS over for a visit. They always (every one of them) ask if I have something to do. They'll "do me a favor" and watch DS for me.

I never ask anyone to watch DS unless I absolutely have to be somewhere (class, interview, work). I take DS w/ me to all errands, visits, etc., or we stay home and play together.

The ILs never plan visits in advance. They call the night before to see if they can 'help me out' and, when I say I don't have plans/errands/things to do, they just remind me they're available.

Wuestion:

Am I reading too much into this to interpret this call as basically saying, "We want to have a day w/ your DS, but we don't want you there"?

The relations w/ the ILs are strained, usually. MIL tells her family I 'keep' DS from her (because I didn't sign him over at birth, it seems). DH is extremely passive/aggressive here because...well, that's how he was raised. When I told DH about the call and that I found it funny, DH just said, "I'm sorry you think my family doesn't want you there." To be fair, I just gave him my interpretation, not the line-for-line I've given ya'll. ILs never act rude/snarky/exclusive when he's around, so at most, he believes I believe they hate me, but he doesn't believe they hate me. KWIM?

I used to believe the ILs were fabulous, but then I learned slowly (over the past 14+ years) how they feel about me. Even now, they're so kind to my face I have to shake myself and remember that my trust would be misplaced in them when I start falling for it again. Every time I fall for the 'nice' I get a rude awakening. Very rude.

Am I just hypersensitive now? Does anyone think they're really just trying to be nice and lend a helping hand?

eva

[megs4413]

some people think this is the "helpful" way to visit with a niece or nephew....my MIL is always saying, "well i can take the baby so you can..." and the fact is, i get along every day without her taking the baby, so it's not really doing me any favors. i would drop him off for a visit (if he's so inclined in the morning) and let them have a day with him, if you trust them to take good care of him. Give yourself a personal day, even if you don't really "need" it. but if you don't want to, don't! i don't know where this concept comes from because it's completely foreign to me, but it seems that some people think you should offer to "watch" a child instead of asking to "visit" with them....my dad does it too...very strange...

[ribbit1019]

It is odd, and I can relate. I think that it is likely in their mind that they *think* they are asking you to bring him over for a visit. They probably don't know how to ask other to act as though they are doing you a favor.

My SIL, though she is opposite of the problem you are describing (i.e. doing me a favor is comparable to the second level of hell) will make up some excuse that she needs to take DD somewhere (has an extra ticket, DN needs a friend to go, etc). She doesn't really want DH or I around and it is always last minute. Sometimes I let her go, sometimes I don't, depends on how she and I feel that day.

I think you should base your decision quite the same, see how he feels about it, if you wouldn't mind a personal day I would call MIL and tell her to pick him up. I would then thank them upon pickup.

Hmmm, come to think of it, this whole thing is probably your MIL's idea, sounds like a matriarch passive aggressive setup to me, lol.

I try not to let these things bother me, I really don't want to be around my SIL either so her taking DD is fine with me (most days), IYKWIM.

GL!

Christy
Wife to Richard
My Waterbabies
http://lilypie.com/pic/060928/Yw0w.jpg http://b3.lilypie.com/H-lkm5.png
http://lilypie.com/pic/060928/iBmU.jpg http://bf.lilypie.com/tkq-m5.png
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/steitzsmith/Other/jump.gif

[hillview]

Somewhat strange but sort of nice? As long as you have no trust issues leaving DS with them I'd do it if you want to. Honestly for my ILs I'd prefer to leave him there and NOT be there but then again I'd never leave him alone with them! With my sister I'd like to visit with DS but also would love some me time and leave him there SOMETIMES when I feel like it. I'd just do as you please and ignore the passive aggressive/politics.
/hillary

[ShanaMama]

I think it does sound strange, kind of like they kept reiterating that you should *not* come. But its hard to know, maybe they just want to spend some time with him & don't feel comfortable asking, so they ask if you need a break.
My MIL asks/ begs me on a regular basis to take a vacation with DH & leave DD with her. Thanks, I really appreciate your offer, & when I'm ready to take a vacation w/o my baby, I'll ask. If you want to spend time with her, just say it.
I think alot of ppl these days don't know how to communicate what they actually want. It feels better to be doing a favor (giving you free time) than asking for a favor (can you bring him over to visit), YKWIM?
But this definitely needs to be viewed in the context of your past relationship with them. So annoying that they act differently when DH is around!

[egfmba]

Thanks, ladies, for the perspective. Sometimes it's as though I'm the only person who sees this (though I know I'm not; I've gotten comments on this type of behavior from outside observers). I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle to keep my sanity. I worry that I'm reading too much into their words/behavior, but when I don't, I get stung.

I asked DS if he wanted to go to SIL today, and he said no, so I'm going to call SIL and tell her maybe another time.

Thanks again for the advice and perspective; it's nice to get objective eyes looking at my situation. It's *really* nice that you all have taken time from your days to offer advice. And I appreciate it!

eva

[emilyf]

My mil sometimes wants to take ds somewhere, and doesn't invite me along-I think she enjoys the chance to interact with him one on one. Maybe that's part of it?
Emily mom of Charlie born 11/02 and Zoe born 9/05

[KBecks]

Not knowing the details of the nice to your face, mean behind your back, it sounds like they are trying to be helpful and give you a break, but they are bad planners.

Do you trust them to watch your son? If so, you may want to use this offer sometime. If not then dont and dont worry about what they think.

[TraciG]

DEFINITLEY sounds like they don't want you there !

[egfmba]

I'm sure that's part of it. The thing is, when I say that - when I say, "I'll bring him over for a visit (so you can have some time with him), they'll reiterate that they want me to leave and/or that they want me to "do something I need to do" so it seems like a favor.

I offer them lots of opportunities to spend time with him without me; my only request is that they let me know they want to spend time with him (since I'm not psychic). These are the terms in which they couch the offer (doing me a favor, me leaving).

It's just that sometimes, when DH says the backward apology thing (I'm sorry you feel that...) I wonder if I *am* misinterpreting.

eva

[egfmba]

I somewhat trust these people to watch DS. It has a lot to do with the background, so here's some (limited):

MIL used to offer DS soda (as a 1 y.o.), though I asked her not to. She'd deny it, but it was on his shirt. He doesn't like soda. She wante him to be more like her other grandchildren (6+ years older than DS).

I asked MIL to tell me when someone sick would be in her house so I could make other arrangements for DS (I was in school; still am). She never does. I've come over to pick him up after class and another (sick) child is there. She's known in advance (yes, she lets this slip) she'll be watching a sick child and won't tell me.

ILs would tell me to my face how wonderful it was that I was breastfeeding, but behind my back would talk amongst themselves about how I was 'starving' DS by breastfeeding.

SIL once launched a campaign w/ the rest of the women in the family to exclude me from all conversations. When I came around, all talk would stop and they'd tell each other, "I'll tell you later" and when I walked away, conversation would resume.

Though I'd sure like to know what I did to these people (besides not being 'like' them) to cause all this, I'm still, after all these years, puzzled. The ILs say that if you're not blood, you're not family. So, I'm not family. They say things like, "You don't know him like we do." Whatever.

I've tried to let all this fall away, but it's constant and annoying. I can never trust them to care for DS as I ask.

DS is on the autism spectrum and a fussy eater. I ask MIL to make him food, offer to buy the food (used to buy it but she'd just let it rot in his bag), offer to bring food. But MIL only feeds him fast food (burgers or fried chicken), even though sometimes all he'll 'eat' is the milk, just so she can prove to me that she's in control. I've specifically asked MIL not to feed him fast food at every meal, but she ignores me. DH hates confrontation and only asked once.

I trust them not to beat, starve or emotionally abuse DS (unless you count emotional manipulation - "your mommy won't let you spend the night at grandma's" type of thing). I don't trust them to conform to my parenting style or to provide any structure or discipline (b/c he's on the spectrum, DS needs routine and gentle reminders of his responsibility to clean up after himself). They do and say things in direct contravention to my requests just to establish that they control DS, not me. MIL views DS as her chance to raise my DH all over again. They used to try to get DS to call MIL 'mommy' and SIL 'nina' (godmother, though she's not).

There's more, but this is too long already.

I'll try not to worry so much about this. I just wish that they wouldn't make my child the center of their 'issues'. I try to teach DS that love is infinite in its capacity and accepting of all. It bothers me that they seem to teach the opposite.

eva

[lisams]

"They used to try to get DS to call MIL 'mommy' and SIL 'nina' (godmother, though she's not)."

OK, that would freak me out. Go with your gut feeling.

[Sillygirl]

>SIL once launched a campaign w/ the rest of the women in the
>family to exclude me from all conversations. When I came
>around, all talk would stop and they'd tell each other, "I'll
>tell you later" and when I walked away, conversation would
>resume.
>
>Though I'd sure like to know what I did to these people
>(besides not being 'like' them) to cause all this, I'm still,
>after all these years, puzzled. The ILs say that if you're
>not blood, you're not family. So, I'm not family. They say
>things like, "You don't know him like we do." Whatever.
>

Wow, right about here was when I thought to myself "I wonder if autism runs in that family?" Nothing I could put my finger on, but they seem to have a lot of odd ways and a very tight clannishness. A little Asperger-like, perhaps. You obviously know much more about it than me - I have an interest in autism but little personal experience, except one uncle who is difficult to love and probably has Asperger's. Anwyay, if that rings true to you, maybe it can help put some of their actions in perspective and make them easier to deal with. They sound pretty difficult, to be honest.

[punkrockmama]

>They used to try to get DS to call MIL 'mommy'

That would FREAK me out, and really piss me off. YOU are this kid's only mother. That is messed up to play with your little man's head like that.

Personally, I wouldn't let him go anywhere near them without me.

Sounds like a really tough situation Eva. I'm sorry that you're being treated this way.

[egfmba]

I almost WISH they were on the spectrum. At least then I would be able to understand something about them. But, the fact is, when DS was diagnosed, they were still in denial about his speech problems. To this day, MIL couldn't tell you what DS's official diagnosis is, or what it means. SIL just read an article on the subject the other day (1.5 yrs after the diagnosis) and was amazed I could tell her all the same facts she'd read in the magazine.

They're perfectly social with everyone; just don't try to marry into their family. As a group, they've just decided for themselves what 'family' really is.

eva

[egfmba]

Thanks. I try to maintain a firm but gentle attitude about all of this: I'm the kid's mom, and I make the decisions. The problem is, DH believes his family is harmless and is reluctant to get a fourth job to pay for childcare so I can finish school. And honestly, I'm reluctant to ask him. So, until I finish school and find a job, the struggle continues...

eva

[chlobo]

Honestly,

Do you have to let him spend time with them at all? I mean if they are unwilling to respect your wishes and your DH is unwilling to intervene on YOUR SON'S behalf then why bother letting him spend time with them at all?

My mom "accidentally" gave DD (whose 3) not just soda but diet soda and I was beside myself. She's a complete flake, nothing malicious but its just another reason I will never leave DD in her care at her house. She just does stupid things that I disagree with.

As an aside, I'm sure your relatives *think* they are being helpful and lending a hand but if they can't respect your wishes then it's not being done sincerely.

[KBecks]

<<I can never trust them to care for DS as I ask>>

There's your answer then. I'm sorry your relatives are so difficult, and I hope that your family's stresses with school and jobs, etc. are resolved soon. Four jobs sounds completely overwhelming(!) Wishing you lots of success working through it.

[egfmba]

Unfortunately, I do *have* to let him be with them. I'm in school and DH works 3 jobs. The time he spent with them was less before his diagnosis. I'm trying to work my way back there.

The thing w/ DH is he doesn't think most of what his family does is truly harmful to DS. I don't want soda; DH thinks it's relatively harmless to let them try, especially since DS doesn't like it. I don't want fast food every meal; MIL tells DH she fed him beans and tortillas. But tells me she fed him fried chicken. To DH, it's not worth the confrontation with his parents. I know, whole other level of issues there.

And yes, I'm fully aware no kid is 'abused' just because they eat fast food and don't get meaningful interaction (MIL doesn't do anything w/ DS). But, ideally, I'd like something more from the ILs than just passable care.

Yes, they're disrespectful to me. But, at least until May, I'm stuck with 'having' to allow them time alone w/ DS. I just have to figure out a way to minimize the impact they have on him, and I'm trying to do that by arranging my last semester of classes to only allow him a few hours there a few days a week.

eva

[HannaAddict]

Trust your instincts. They want to see your child without you there. Period. This is not uncommon and is often done with the "offer" of "helping you out" versus being able to tell the DIL they want to have unsupervised access to the grandchild and risk rejection. It is a pretty common theme on these boards and with friends IRL.

Now, for the hijack - :)
FWIW, for a variety of reasons (including safety, etc.) we do not want my inlaws to babysit my children or have my children stay at their house without one of use being there and they always offer to "help" and we politely say "thanks for letting us know you are available" and just don't respond to their offers. We have even received a gift certificate for dinner with accompanying card for "babysitting" back when my son was really small (six months). I don't think my in-laws are trying to be mean, but their interest is in having access and influence over my children versus helping me out. One reason we decline is that both of my SIL's have accepted or been guilted into accepting their "help" and babysitting and have regretted it. Consider someone spending the next several years telling everyone you were a terrible housekeeper, etc. and looking through your closets, under the bed, etc. Or being hell bent for leather on feeding your child every food on the choking hazards list so they can crow that "see, they survived" & letting your infant cry it out (when you don't!) by claiming your baby needs to "exercise their lungs."

[mamica]

I'm sorry to say I don't have any advice, except to trust your instincts. I, for one, can tell you that I honestly relate to much of your situation. DC is only 14 months, and fortunately I feel like it's gotten a little better the last few weeks. But, like you, I just wonder when the pendulum will swing back and I realize that I've been too trusting. DH seems to handle things here similarly as well, although he's having some emotional issues himself trying to deal with the clannishness of his family situation.

Hang in there, and confide in anyone you can for perspective to help remind yourself that you are in the right!