How do you get past the guilt when you take "me" time?

[dotgirl]

This is inspired by both the posts in the "Happy being a WOHM/SAHM" thread, and by the fact that, well, I feel guilty taking "me" time.

For example - DH and I both work 40+ hours per week. DH never actually takes any sort of "me" time. He takes DS grocery shopping every Saturday morning so I can sleep in, and our DD is 13 and a great babysitter, so we have a date night about 1-2 nights per month.

And I feel selfish because I apparently that's not enough "me" time. I get my hair coloured and cut every 4 months, and that usually involves staying downtown until 7pm and then meeting DH & DS, who go and have sushi while they wait for me - and I feel guilty about that. Which is stupid! Because A) DH *likes* having an excuse to stay and eat sushi, an B) I deserve to be pretty. ;)

I'm not sure if I'd feel better if DH ever had "him" time - I'm always trying to get him to go have a massage or something, but he doesn't seem to need any extra downtime.

Anyway, this is all very rambling and somewhat incoherent, but does anyone else have this sort of issue? Where you want more "me" time, but feel guilty going out and getting it?

[MartiesMom2B]

I take comfort in the fact of knowing that if I never took time for myself that I would go nuts on my family. My husband has "me" time for himself. He plays golf or plays poker with friends every once in a while, he even goes on a yearly golf trip and a yearly canoe trip. Sometimes he'll get a whole "me" week when I go on trips with DD. At least you encourage your husband to go do activities on his own.

-Sonia
Mommy to Martie
& Li'l Girl Bunny to come Feb. 2007
http://bd.lilypie.com/Kchhm4/.png (http://lilypie.com)

[octmom]

I know what you mean about the guilty feeling. DH and both WOTH full-time. He pulls his fair share (or more than it) around the house-- cooking most dinners, doing lots of stuff with the kids, etc. He almost never does anything in the evenings or weekends without me and the kids. We have friends who tease us because we usually do everything as a family all weekend-- errands, etc.

DH meets friends for lunch sometimes, but that's about it. Of course, that doesn't inconvenience me at all since the kids are in daycare then and I am working too. I also meet friends for lunch sometimes, though I spend most of my lunch hours visiting DD at daycare to nurse her so that I can pump one less time each day. I usually have a few evening or weekend commitments each month-- sometimes work-related, sometimes social (book club or girls' dinner), sometimes volunteer-related (I'm on the board of our kids' daycare and on their parents advisory committee). I always feel guilty when DH is managing both kids on his own, since I know it can be sometimes tough given their ages. I have encouraged him to go out and do stuff that he wants to do, but he never takes me up on it. (Shrug) So, I guess I will continue to feel guilty about it for a while.

Jerilyn
DS, 10/03
DD, 3/06

[psophia17]

I think a big difference, at least in my family, is that DH doesn't have that sixth sense that I feel like motherhood gave me. At 2am, I am the one who hears DS1 whimpering down the hall in his room, DH can sleep right through that. That's his downtime...not mine...oh how I wish I could sleep through it, kwim?

It's not so much that I need "me" time, but I do need time to regroup every so often, and since I can't do that around the kids, I have to do it elsewhere, without them.

[dotgirl]

That makes a lot of sense .. I just feel bad. Like I'm making DH do more than his fair share.

Also, I notice you have a Riley too!

[Piglet]

Honestly, I think that might just be a difference between men and women. My DH does more than I do at home (partially due to my being pregnant and down and out with a neverending cold right now) and I do get more "me" time than he does. A large part of that equation is my demand for "me" time. If he wanted some, he would get it, no questions asked. If he wanted to join a gym , go to a hockey game or go shopping, I would be all for it. Instead, he is a homebody - he prefers staying home, or at least that is what he claims. I used to feel guilty, but realized that he can make adult choices and ask for help around the house or take an evening off. I have told him many times to go out, but he still claims that he doesn't want to. My friends tell me the same things about their husbands and I know that my parents and ILs have similar set-ups, so that is why I assume there must be some sort of gender difference. Also, to be fair, many times, my "me" time is actually shopping for groceries or DH's and kids' clothes. These are not glamourous excursions and I know that making DH go shopping for kids clothes (or clothing for himself for that matter) is pretty close to his definition of hell! I enjoy it far more than he does and I like going out, so it is a win-win situation.

As far as the hair appointments go - it isn't your fault that your hair is higher maintenance, LOL! My DH goes to a cheap hair salon chain for his cuts. If I went there, he would have to hear many many complaints about how bad my hair looked, and that would make both of us unhappy. I go for an expensive cut and style and we are both happier with the results! Don't feel bad about haircuts!

[maestramommy]

I don't know if my answer is going to be helpful, because I am a SAHM, so technically, "me" time should be a given. But I will still ask for it because when Dh is not working, he actually gets less "me" time than I do. I go to a Girls Night Out roughly once a month, and now that I am not nursing, Dh has suggested that I can now take a bigger chunk of time off if I need to get something done outside of the house, or just go out. He says this knowing that he's the one that will have to watch Dora, but now that she's getting older she's getting more fun to be with, not the "sad wet thing" (his words LOL!) she was when she was a young baby :-). Actually for this Mother's Day I was going to ask for an entire day off, out of the house. Don't know what I'll do with myself, but I thought it would be nice since dc2 will be born very shortly after.

I think I don't feel guilty mainly because I know she's in good hands, but each time I'm only away for a couple of hours. The one time we were separated all morning and part of the afternoon Dh took her to a birthday party in the park. I missed her like crazy by the time they got home.

[Laurel]

I got over the guilt because I am a MUCH better mom when I get a reasonable amout of "me" time. When mom is happy, everyone is happy!

[kijip]

What guilt? I relish every minute of time I spend alone, be it doing something special like a massage or pedicure, something necessary like a haircut or working out or something downright mundane like buying snow tires or eating lunch at my office while reading the paper. :P Life has a lot of different things in it for me and each part of my life is pretty much required for all of the other parts of my life to function well.

[lizajane]

this is what i was going to say- a happy person is a happy parent and a happy parent has a happy child.

just like on the airplane- always get your oxygen mask first so you will be capable of helping your child.

[VClute]

I *never* feel guilty about taking time for me. My mother taught me that - and I'm going to teach the importance of "me" time to each of my kids, too. The only thing I find difficult is that it's never OFFERED to me - I have to demand it, and I can never assume that DH will be available when he "should" be - I always run plans by him first. But I give DH (who, honestly, *requires* more alone time than I do) plenty of unsolicited time without me and DS. And he often calls from work at the last minute saying, I'm going to be late getting a haircut, going shopping, etc. I wish I could do what I wanted WHEN I wanted like that!

Amy in NC
mom to Dixon, born 2/14/05
...and let the shopping begin!

A GIRL (!!) Due 3/30/07

[aliceinwonderland]

I'm never plagued by this kind of guilt, it would be the equivalient of feeling guilty for taking "me" air.

[aliceinwonderland]

NP

[niccig]

I don't feel guilty, I need that down time in order to be a SAHM. I often organise things for DS's nap on weekends, so DH gets a break too. I wish he would take more time for himself. Either he's at work or he's at home. I've told him to organise things, but he won't on weekends as that's his big chunk of time with us. I've told him to do it after work. He has gift certificates to massages...he won't call and make an appointment...and when he complains and sometimes he does, I tell him to DO IT, but he won't...I finally realised I can't make him drink that water.

Nicci