DH going on extended overseas trip for work - how to prepare DC?

[noahsmommy]

My DH is starting a project that requires him to be away from home for an extended period of time for the first time since we've been married. DS is now 2 1/2 and very aware of his environment, very articulate, etc...DH will be overseas for at least 3-4 weeks and we're hoping he can come home at least once. After that he'll be out of state for a week or 2 at a time. Basically next week till mid-March, he'll be home maybe 3 weekends.

How do a prepare DS, and what can we do during his time away so DS won't miss DH too much? A friend suggested webcams...any thoughts?


Ann

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[Lynnie]

My DH travels alot, and although he has not been gone nearly that long, what has worked for us is to keep his normal routine, but we added phone calls with daddy.

We also would tell him in advance, and tell him where daddy was going, and would talk about the place. Then, when DH returned, he would bring a book about the area. Cactus hotel from arizona, the maryland ABCs from dc, racing buddies from charlotte, etc. DS also had one of those matchbox race car rolling suitcases, and he would pretend to be daddy going to the airport. He missed him alot, especially at that age, but he really was fine, as far as I can tell (35 years from now, he may be laying on a therapists couch begging to differ, but I highly doubt it).

Word of warning however, he sometimes would be angry at him, and express it by ignoring him when he got home, or not wanting to talk to him on the phone. That didn't usually last too long though.

Good luck, it'll be tricky, but you'll get through it.

[MissyAg94]

My DH is a military officer and one thing that they suggest you do before deployments is make a video of the parent who is leaving reading your child's favorite books. Webcams are great also. And maybe make cards and pictures and mail to your DH. Good luck! I'm parenting alone right now while DH is deployed and it is exhausting!

[noahsmommy]

Thanks for the tips - I'm trying to line everything up right now, and make sure everything is stocked up in the house before DH leaves so I won't have to run out as often. MIL is coming for 2- five day stays, so that allows me to be alone for no more than 4-5 day streaches at a time. I have to say, I'm happy for DH, but I can only try to prepare myself mentally how tiring it's going to be...How do you supermoms do it especially with more than 1 DC without DH?

Last night, i just skipped the DC's baths. Fixed quick pasta dinner at 6:30pm, fed myself and DS, nursed DD at 7:30pm while DS finished dinner, Put DD at 8:00, took DS out with me to shovel the snowy driveway at 8:30pm(DS had late nap), came in at 9:30pm, made hot choc for DS while DD woke up crying. DS went to bed at 10pm, and DD cried till 10:15 and went back asleep till midnight to feed.

Btween that there was laundry, clean-up, and trash day...AHHH!! If I ever have to do that more than for 2 nights in a row. I think I'll be to exhuasted to function the next morning.

I'm thinking I"ll just let the house go to pot while I just keep myself and the DC fed and happy, KWIM?

Ann

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[maestramommy]

>Btween that there was laundry, clean-up, and trash
>day...AHHH!! If I ever have to do that more than for 2 nights
>in a row. I think I'll be to exhuasted to function the next
>morning.
>
>I'm thinking I"ll just let the house go to pot while I just
>keep myself and the DC fed and happy, KWIM?

Hey, that sounds like a good idea to me! Besides, I thought you had a cleaning lady. Let her do it for you :-).

((HUGS)) Ann. Call me if you need a cry or a rant.

[npace19147]

DH had to go to London for a week recently and he called to talk to DD once or twice a day. We decided against a webcam b/c we weren't sure if she'd understand that she couldn't see Daddy "on demand" - she's 2 1/2. It worked out ok, though bedtime was tough b/c DH usually does that with her. We definitely had a lot of rounds of upset and "I miss Daddy" which was pretty sweet. I just told her that I missed Daddy too and it was ok to miss him - validating her feelings, which seemed to make her feel better.

Good luck, I'm sure it will not be easy! You might want to set up some extra playdates or outings if possible to keep you all busy and distracted.

[hez]

DH spent most of the fall in Brazil. Webcams & a speakerphone saved our sanity. He was able to get Payton into his jammies a few nights, and to see Payton in his costume on Halloween. I think it softened the rough edges for both of them. Let me know if you need recos on which services to use with the webcams (pros & cons to the couple we tried).

We spent a lot of time telling Payton where Daddy was, and when it got close to DH coming home, we'd count how many sleeps (naps, nighttime) until they saw each other again. We got out a miniglobe so I could show him where DH was (got it out again this week to show him where Germany is :().

We were pretty good at making sure they talked daily if possible. It didn't happen every day, but most of them it did. The Brazil trip was easier than Germany from a timezone standpoint-- I get home with Payton at 5, and it's 11pm in Germany, 8pm in Brazil where DH was. DH gets less sleep in Germany waiting up to call us.

If your DH is like mine, this will be tough on him, too. Mine had a bad evening when they were out to dinner and there was a family out (they usually were out to eat much later than most families). Don't forget to include him on all the goings on and have your DS tell him all about his day, for instance. We also had to be purposeful about their interactions when DH was home-- given the choice he would have spoiled Payton rotten on his days home, and then I would have had the next couple weeks of reteaching Payton where our limits are.

And yes, there are some things I just let go at home. Payton and I went to our favorite Mexican restaurant tonight because I decided it was too much hassle to make something for the two of us. I have great respect for single parents after all this.

One last thought for you-- don't forget to take care of yourself and your own mental health. I'm a WOHM, and one day I took an afternoon off & left Payton with his sitter. I had been responsible for something or someone 24/7 for so many days in a row that I just needed a few hours NOT to be responsible or I would have lost my mind. I intended to wander around the art museum, but took a nap instead ;)

Good luck. You can and will make it through!

[muskiesusan]

DH travels weekly for work so mine are unfortunately pretty used to it as this is how it has always been. We don't have a webcam, but DH does send video emails via his cell phone. The kids love those and they work out great as often he is not available when we are to talk (I don't have any qualms, however, about waking DH early to talk to the kids!). We have a globe, which my 2.5 yo understands pretty well and I frequently catch them checking it out. We also make things for DH like banners and pictures welcoming him home which gets the kids excited and makes DH's heart melt. Would your DH be able to get mail?

I would also suggest finding time for yourself. It took me 3 years to realize I couldn't be on call 24/7 and now I have a sitter come to give me a break. Totally changed my outlook!

Oh, and when he is gone, some nights, yogurt is perfectly acceptable as a dinner :).


Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[hez]

> Oh, and when he is gone, some nights, yogurt is perfectly acceptable as a dinner :).

I second that thought!

[noahsmommy]

Ah, thanks so much for all the supportive encouragement. I was just telling DH yesterday night, that I think I'll make it. We may just be in PJ's a couple days in a row, the kids may not get their baths everyday. And DS may watch more TV than usual, but it'll be fine. I usually am more of a stickler about eating healthy, baths, etc..but I'm just going to have to relax to make it next month.

I just went to Costco last night, and stocked up on ALOT of shortcuts! Pretty impressed with what I found in the frozen food section. Lots of organic produce now! I'm a big Costco fan, but never usually buy alot of their frozen prepared foods.

So Hez mommy: can you tell me about your experience with the pros and cons of service with the webcams? DH and I are going out tomorrow to get 2 of them. Is there are better service to use?




Ann

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[noahsmommy]

Thanks Melinda!

I just might be calling you to just talk to a coherant adult. I'm one of those particular mommies that straighten up the house before the cleaning lady comes. No one can keep up with the tornado storm Noah that goes through our house daily! ;)

Ann

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