At what age do you insist your kids eat the food they asked for?

[mommyoftwo]

Amelia has a tendency to ask for food and then not eat it and want something else. I understand if it's something she hasn't tried before and she decides she doesn't like it or something, but she does this with food she does like and eats all the time. I'm getting really tired of it because I think she is wanting me to follow her every whim. How do I handle this?

[SnuggleBuggles]

Just talking to another mom about that today. Ds is 4.5 and dh is really wanting to make it a rule that if he doesn't eat what we make then he is out of luck. I can't bring myself to be that harsh- he is just a kid and needs to eat. But, I am OK with offering him the choice of something like a sandwich or cereal. :)

Beth

[vonfirmath]

it sounds like the question was about the kid making a choice, then deciding they don't want it after you eat it.

I wonder if the answer there is just requiring them to live by the consequences of their decisions -- ie eating what they asked for. (at least some of it)

[Pennylane]

Funny you should mention this, we were struggling with the same thing with my 5 yr old DD. I always offer my DD a different choice if she does not like what we are eating for dinner.

As a child, my father would make me sit at the table until I ate everything on my plate. Usually it was some sort of vegetable I didn't like and I would sit there for hours(not an exaggeration). I thought and still do that was insane!

That being said, since I give her a choice now, I do expect her to finish her meal. If she asks for it, then she should eat it. I also cut out milk before her meals because I think she was filling up on that. If she does not eat, now there is a consequence We don't do story, no dessert, no computer. It has really helped a lot. Honestly I wasn't so bothered that she wasn't eating, I was just tired of wasting food!

Ann

[mommyoftwo]

>it sounds like the question was about the kid making a
>choice, then deciding they don't want it after you eat it.

Yes, that's what I meant. At some point we will require her to eat what we eat but since our schedule is so crazy with DH always being at the hospital (ie we don't often eat together)and Amelia being such a picky eater, I'm not sure I'm ready for that step.

>I wonder if the answer there is just requiring them to live by
>the consequences of their decisions -- ie eating what they
>asked for. (at least some of it)

That's kind of what I was thinking. She needs to know that she can't just change her mind on a whim. I don't like wasting food and I don't like her trying to control me that way.

[Marisa6826]

Well, pretty much from the get go. If they ask for it, they're stuck with it. That applies to food, milk, juice, snacks, etc.

I will leave it out and if either of the girls decide they are ready for it, it's there. And if they tell me later on they're hungry, (unless it was a snack and I'm now serving a meal) they get what they asked for earlier in the day.

As my mother said to us growing up, "I'm not running a Howard Johnsons" :P

-m

ETA - In terms of meals, I always serve at least SOMETHING they will eat. Sophie's very big on asking for something, claim it's her 'favourite!!' and then not wanting it. The rule is she has to eat one bite for every year, so four bites, and then she doesn't have to eat anymore. So far, it works. :)

[niccig]

I'm with Marisa. DS is 2 and I will give him choices at times eg. ceral or eggs for breakfast, and if he decides he doesn't want that, I don't give him anything else. As for him going hungry, it's one meal, no kid starved for not eating a meal, and DS always makes up for it at the next snack/meal.

There's also times when he doesn't have a choice, eg. dinner, but I do make sure there will be something DS likes to eat. The other night he refused to eat dinner, fried rice which he normally inhales and wanted cheese, just cheese. I told him that wasn't dinner food. He refused to eat, so after a few minutes, dinner was over. 10 mins later he asked for a snack bar (TJ's fruit bar), I told him that wasn't dinner food and it was dinner time, but he could have his fried rice. 20 mins later he told me he was hungry and let me put him back in his chair, he ate every grain of rice and then asked me for more.

I don't believe in making him eat everything on his plate - I grew up in that household too - but I'm not a short-order cook in a restaurant. He's only 2, so time will tell how this works out.

Nicci

[himom]

DS is required to eat whatever it is I serve. I have relatives who make special little things for each kid in their family, treating their mom like a short order cook. After watching that for years, I swore my kids would not be like that.

That said, I try to take into account what foods my family doesn't like. I don't cook green beans because I hate them, so on the same token, I'm not forcing peas down DS because I know he hates them. We just have the veggies that all of us like. Fortunately we've got him to love salad!

If he's in a mood and just won't eat, even when it's something he likes, then I don't force the issue. However, he is firmly informed that if he gets hungry later he only gets a piece of whole wheat bread, and he certainly doesn't get any snacks for the duration of that day.

If he won't eat anything at all and it's my fault(usually because he's still full from something else I gave him), I just saran wrap the whole plate and put it in the fridge. If he asks later, I warm it up for him and he's usually perfectly happy.

He did try to pull the "I changed my mind" thing this week. He insisted on yogurt than wouldn't even take a bite, peeled a banana then decided he didn't want it. He still ate yogurt and a banana, 'cause there was NO WAY I was wasting them or letting him get away with that!

Jodi

ETA: Sorry, I got carried away and didn't even answer your question. I think we started this as soon as we recognized he knew what he was asking and we knew that he was just messing with us. Maybe around 2 or 2 1/2?

[mommyoftwo]

I feel so much better hearing that other people follow this philosophy. I decided tonight enough was enough and she was going to eat what she asked for or nothing. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being to harsh on her. She only ate one bite of hot dog and ate the bun. Shd asked for something else and I told her she couldn't until she ate her hot dog. Repeat, repeat, repeat. She didn't want to so she went to bed. I'm sure she'll be hungry in the morning.

[miki]

I also have a rule tha if DD gets a choice, she has to eat some of it. And her meal will always have something else included that she will generally eat. If she doesn't eat much, I just remind myself that there is a difference between eating until you are not hungry and eating until you are absolutely full.

[dules]

I do this now. Meanie I guess. I know kids have to eat, but I also think that if she's hungry, she will eat the food if it's what she asked for (i.e. grilled cheese, spaghetti, apple slices, etc.).

DH thinks I'm a meanie. :(


Mary

[niccig]

I think I feel the way I do about food because of family friends. Like your experience, the mother makes 3 different meals at every meal as each child wants something different. I only have one DS but I don't want to be like that. I do take into account what everyone likes, but DS also has to try something before saying he doesn't like it.

I was worried about DS missing meals, he's small for height/weight, and our ped. said we would be doing more harm to his eating by catering to him, than by missing the occasional meal. And to be honest, he really hasn't missed many, I think I've only done it a few times.

Nicci

[Sillygirl]

I call this the "Your mouth says 'no' but your eyes say 'yes'" syndrome, said in a French Pepe LePew voice. I think it's a standard toddler game and applies to more than just food. I generally give Jonathan one chance to waffle, but that's it. And if the food's already on the table, he's stuck with the choice. Enforcing this consistently has cut down on a lot of arguing. He still likes to go back and forth but when I keep things moving along, he cheerfully follows.

[kcandz]

One question: are you asking her every meal what she wants, like "what do you want for dinner?" and she says "hot dogs"? Or are you saying "hot dog or grilled cheese for dinner?" I ask because I think that makes a difference. I read in Wondertime recently that children who want to be in control, bossing every thing around, actually don't want to be in that much control. They feel too much pressure or something. So an open-ended question might freak her out.

For DC, we put out a small variety of stuff. If DC chooses not to eat it and asks for something reasonable instead, we will accomodate the request. For us, reasonable is pretty much anything outside of cookies for breakfast, but doesn't take a lot of cooking. That means breakfast is occasionally cheese and crackers. But overall it reduces the power struggles over food. If it goes into excessive, like more than one option-out, it is food before DC or nothing, because that has clearly gone into the realm of testing parental limits. So far it works for us.

[maestramommy]

We're not there yet, but I have a good friend with a 3 yo and a 5 yo. I think probably since her kids were two she has pretty much made them live with what they ask for, whether it's food, video or whatever. Actually as far as food goes they have to eat what she puts in front of them. At mealtimes that is. I think snacktime is when she gives them what they ask for and that is it.

[hez]

Sounds about like how things have transpired here. Being consistent is paying dividends.

A mommy mentor at work made the "I'm not a short order cook" comment at a lunch & followed it up with her philosophy. That has stuck with me & so far it's working.

[bisous]

I'm really struggling with this same issue. I hope that I can be of some use.

For breakfast and lunch, I pretty much make what I feel is healthy but it is generally food that my DS will eat. That said, I don't make him eat all of the foods on his plate or even taste all the foods on his plate. This sometimes leads to waste, but I figure if I am consistent about offering and having him try a bite, he'll get used to many different kinds of foods. I try to avoid struggles over food as much as possible. He can have more of something that I've already made (i.e. a second helping of carrots) but he can't request something that is not on the menu. I'm not always the best at enforcing this--my DS is diabetic with food allergies so food is very tricky for us. But this is my general practice.

For dinner, I try to make at least one thing that he really likes and will eat. If he only eats that, then I don't stress because hopefully he will have had two other very healthy meals earlier in the day.

So to sum up, breakfast and lunch do cater to my DS but not entirely and I don't offer alternative choices. Dinner is more according to the taste of me and my DH but I will offer something that DS likes. I never make DS eat food but don't offer alternatives. He usually eats something but doesn't always eat as balanced a diet as I would like.

HTH

JEN

[Marisa6826]

Sometimes I already have something in mind for dinner, like tonight we had Portuguese chicken and rice. I made it last night and had a huge quantities of leftovers. So, since I knew what we were having, there wasn't a discussion about it.

Other nights, I will ask Sophie what she feels like having. She has a pretty limited list of her 'favourites!', so more often than not, it's not a big issue. 99% of the time, she'll ask for a turkey sandwich. If we don't happen to have any turkey left, I will suggest one or two other options and let her pick one.

Remember, though, that she's 4. I wouldn't think of giving Mia as many options at 2. Mia's fallback is *always* oatmeal or soup. For whatever reason, she will almost always eat one of those. At the same time, I know that she's not big on chicken for some reason. So tonight, I didn't really expect Mia to eat much of the chicken and rice. Instead, she had a snacktrap of cereal and a banana with a cup of milk.

One thing that I *do* want to point out is that I'm working very, very hard to not use food as a reward or consolation prize. I don't insist they finish all their food, as I firmly believe that they know when they're full. If I feel that they've gotten an adequate amount of dinner, then I will give them fruit, or sometimes a little bit of ice cream as dessert. I firmly impress upon both Jonathan and our sitter that food is not to be as a reward. Both Jonathan and I have weight and food issues, and I really don't want that to pass on to Sophie and Mia.

-m

[mommyoftwo]

I either give her two options or say "mommy is having hotdogs (for example), do you want one?" I try not to do the open ended question thing because that is just asking for trouble. I think she just likes to test me and see how much she can get away with.

[crl]

My DS does this too. If he asked for it, he doesn't get anything else until he has eaten all or very nearly all of it.

He gets to make choices at breakfast (cereal or yogurt, which kind of cereal). He eats morning snack and lunch at school. He gets choices for afternoon snack (cheese or fruit). For dinner he gets what I fix (I do try to fix things he likes). If he requests a particular fruit and I have it, he gets that with dinner. For dinner, I put a reasonable serving of everything on his plate and he gets told no more of his favorite things that he tends to fill up on. So, just one serving of strawberries and if he's still hungry, he can eat his chicken or whatever. I strongly encourage at least one bite of everything on his plate. When he says he's done, he's free to leave the table, but once he's cleared his plate, no more food.

Catherine

[crl]

My DS does this too. If he asked for it, he doesn't get anything else until he has eaten all or very nearly all of it.

He gets to make choices at breakfast (cereal or yogurt, which kind of cereal). He eats morning snack and lunch at school. He gets choices for afternoon snack (cheese or fruit). For dinner he gets what I fix (I do try to fix things he likes). If he requests a particular fruit and I have it, he gets that with dinner. For dinner, I put a reasonable serving of everything on his plate and he gets told no more of his favorite things that he tends to fill up on. So, just one serving of strawberries and if he's still hungry, he can eat his chicken or whatever. I strongly encourage at least one bite of everything on his plate. When he says he's done, he's free to leave the table, but once he's cleared his plate, no more food.

Catherine

[vonfirmath]

I have been reading that, while toddlers, it is generally better to give them a choice between two acceptable options than an open-ended question.

They can make that decision better (Hey, I can make decisions better when I can get it down to just 2choices!)

[vonfirmath]

I have been reading that, while toddlers, it is generally better to give them a choice between two acceptable options than an open-ended question.

They can make that decision better (Hey, I can make decisions better when I can get it down to just 2choices!)

[psophia17]

I have always expected DS to eat what he's given, especially if he asked for it. If he changes his mind after it's prepared, he's out of luck, but if he changes it before it's prepared, I'll make him something else.

Like a PP already said, he's not going to starve if he misses one meal.

[psophia17]

I have always expected DS to eat what he's given, especially if he asked for it. If he changes his mind after it's prepared, he's out of luck, but if he changes it before it's prepared, I'll make him something else.

Like a PP already said, he's not going to starve if he misses one meal.