For mamas who chose to have just 1 child.....why?

[mommy111]

This is a question for mamas who chose not to have a second child: what were your reasons? do they still hold true or were you disappointed? also for mamas who thought they were done at 1 but then decided to have a second...what prompted your decision?
Asking because I am in the situation where I may never have another child, and I find myself profoundly fearful and very sad for my DD at times. But I know there are people out there who choose to have only 1 child and are happy with their decision...or not happy. Just want that perspective. So please post away and tell me why! :)

[SnuggleBuggles]

I only wanted one for many years. I was extremely happy with our little family. We live close to both sets of grandparents and are close with our siblings so while ds may not have a big immediate family he had a bigger extended family.

Practical concerns were real. We could easily afford one- private school, taking trips, and all the extras. I want to be comfortable and not overextended. It's also so easy just having one from a logistical standpoint. ETA- also, it is so easy to give ds our time and attention, not that seems to require much as he is happy to play by himself. And we have time for ourselves (which I suppose would be true for most families if their youngest was 4+yo). It's easy to find childcare for just one.

I never really wanted a big family. I always wanted 2. But, then I loved just our family of 3 so much that I really decided it was just right for us.

It wasn't till ds was over 4 years that something made me rethink things. In some ways I wish that my practical side would have won out though. Baby fever just grew and grew though and I got the feeling that I wanted more kids. I think just one more. More than that and we will have to consider a bigger house!

I am one of 3 but I am much younger than the other 2 so in a way I was an only. I had my best friend (like a sister) and we did everything together. We're still close nowadays too. I wasn't lonely growing up.

There are no guarantees that siblings will like each other. They may grow up and never talk. I have that fear. So, to have a sibling for your first doesn't always pan out. At least that is what some of my friends have told me based on their sibling relations.

If you had asked me this 6 months ago I could have written something extremely compelling and heartfelt about the choice to just have one. I don't know if my TTC effotrts will pan out. If they don't I know my little family will be happy with just the 3 of us. I would never be disappointed in our family's size if ds was an only.

It's kind of weird to have to defend a choice for a small family. Familes come in all shapes and sizes and it is ultimately up to you to make the choice that feels best for you and ignore nay-sayers. It's harder when the choice of limits is being made for you due to external factors (fertility, financial...) but it's always good to remember that your family, whatever size, is special and can be perfect. :)
Beth

[lfp2n]

Age (41), career (have a job where I can't take time off or work shorter hours than I already do-unless I give it all up, it works with one but not 2), DH (resolutely doesn't want more) health (mine and a paranoid and irrational fear I was lucky first time, and something would go wrong).
I'm happy with my decision, I love my little family, because I know its the 'right' decision for me and my family, and nothings going to change it.
But (BIG BUT!)I feel guilty about DD being an only, I really worry that she might be lonely, sad, feel like she is missing out not having a sibling.

I hope that makes sense.

Lucy DD 3/03

[erosenst]

Age was the deciding factor here, as well. I was almost 42 when we got married. I fortunately had a very progressive ob/gyn, and was at the fertility doctor (with all testing already done) less than 4 months after we were married. I had a m/c from IUI, an unsuccessful IUI, then success on our first round of IVF. However, I was almost 43 by the time I conceived. The risk of a genetic defect was 1 in 13, and would have gotten worse with a subsequent pg.

Given how old we are, we knew we wouldn't be around for a significant portion of our child(ren)s life. We didn't want Abby to have the responsibility of caring for a sibling. So - for us it was an easy decision.

However, there are still times I'm sad about it - mostly when I see how much Abby enjoys playing with other kids. However, as she gets older, we'll make a real effort to include her friends as much as possible. I know several "onlies" with parents who did this, and feel like they had the best of all worlds.

[deenass]

I thought I only wanted one (hey, I'm weeks away from giving birth to #2 and there are times I think I still only want one!) I had a MISERABLE pg with #1 (luckily this has been much better) and I'm not a very nice person when I am sleep deprived (which I know is a short time in the life of your child, but I really do fear how I am going to handle two on so little sleep).

DH has a chronic, genetic condition, we both fear that our children may inherit or that DH will relapse, making life MUCH more difficult than it was with 1 (DH had surgery last summer and it was hard enough to balance childcare for my 2 1/2 year old when I was back and forth between home and the hospital).

We like our downtime, DS goes to bed and we are free to enjoy the evening, that will soon end.

I did wait 4 years before going for #2 - I could not have handled anther baby before now. In the end, I didn't want DS to be an only - mostly because DH DOES have a chronic illness and I can only imagine how difficult it will be for DS to deal with a sick parent, I wanted to give him someone to "share the load".

[Corie]

My husband was pretty adamant about having only one child. (It was alot of long
discussions just to get the one child.)

Then, the more I started to think about what I went through with my mom
passing away, the more I wanted to have a second child.
In my family, when my mom passed away, my Dad became extremely withdrawn
and pulled away. I can't imagine being an only child and losing a parent.

I have a sister and 2 brothers. Together, we formed this tight little group.
We made it through that horrible day because of each other.

I wanted my kids to have a teammate. They have each other to turn to in case
of problem. (whatever the problem may be!) I just didn't want an only child burdened
with making potentially huge decisions involving our health, death,
finances, etc. At least this way, Carson and Knox can hash it out together. :)

They'll probably both agree on one thing. "Do not resuscitate!"

[Moneypenny]

We plan on only having one because it feels right to us. That's really all there is to it.

Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif[/img][/url]

[pittsburghgirl]

While we have infertility, and it took 3 IVFs to conceive DS (so it's not that easy to decide to even try for another) we have never been interested in going back to the clinic for another go. We decided that should a natural conception take place before DS turned 3, that would be ok, but thereafter we would close the door and be a family of 3. Why? Age (both of us), finances, my issues with depression, and our lifestyle. Also, we have one perfect little boy and part of me was very nervous about what might happen the second time around.

While I sometimes am sad for DS (although he has not yet said anything about a baby brother or sister), we have cultivated a lot of very close relationships for him outside our family. To be frank, I have a brother, half brother and half sister, and am not particularly close to any of them (my brother and I have gone back and forth over the years being close/not close, and we get along just fine.) I didn't even know my half sister until this summer (she is in her 50's) and my half brother and his family have always lived halfway across the country. My mother has ALS, so it is nice to be able to talk about her health with my brother (instead of just my dad) but when push comes to shove, I'm the responsible party for my parents.

So I guess I'm not fearful, and only occasionally sad. Not so much for DS but for my lost dreams of two children (which have been lost for about 8 years now, frankly). My grieving process is mostly over. We are concentrating on doing everything we want to do with DS, a lot of which would not be possible with more than one child.

Marilee
mommy to James
http://b3.lilypie.com/CSwdm4.png

[sdbc]

I think the biggest reason is that we are happy with the three of us. We have time to be together as a family, and time for DH and I to be a couple. We are not pulled in different directions by kids having to go different places all weekend. We can do everything together.

Other issues are age, career, worry about health of a second child (due to age). Further, DH and I aren't very close with our siblings, and my memories of siblings as a kid were of fighting, not playing. DH is my support if something happens to my mom, moreso than my brothers.

But the biggest reason is that we're happy now.

[sdbc]

I think the biggest reason is that we are happy with the three of us. We have time to be together as a family, and time for DH and I to be a couple. We are not pulled in different directions by kids having to go different places all weekend. We can do everything together.

Other issues are age, career, worry about health of a second child (due to age). Further, DH and I aren't very close with our siblings, and my memories of siblings as a kid were of fighting, not playing. DH is my support if something happens to my mom, moreso than my brothers.

But the biggest reason is that we're happy now.

[coachkath]

I was always great with kids but ambivalent about having one. THen, surprise! I got pregnant at 42, gave birth at 43. I was scared out of my mind. So MANY potential problems, not just b/c of age, but other things as well. But DD turned out perfect and we felt so blessed. DH didn't want another - probably due to age (mine, he's 3yrs younger) so he got fixed. I fully agreed.
I had a conversation with a good friend who adopted and really spent alot of time considering adopting another. In the end they decided to stay with one. We have siblings (DH, Myself and friend) who we are close with, so it does seem strange not to have DC have a sibling, but we decided it's not a BAD thing, just DIFFERENT. They will not know what it's like to have siblings, but will have lots of wonderful cousins. And friends. DD gets all our attention and we can give her all our love, time and $$. Money IS also a factor. Kids are expensive. I have another friend w/ less income but has 4 kids. She's very happy, but I want to travel and have some of the finer things (you know, like cable tv) that she doesn't have. I also like my down time, which I think comes with being childless for so long. I NEED down time.
If it were 10 years ago, I'd have another. But life has given me something I never thought I'd have so I am so happy and blessed. Even when she's driving me crazy. :)
Kelly's old lady

[sweetpea]

Dh and I are stopping at one. We feel blessed, fulfilled, complete. We did worry about her feeling alone in her adult years but we have moved cities to live near my family so that she can grow up knowing her cousins, aunt, grandparents and become close to them.

Dd will be spolied sweet :)

[mommy111]

Wow, its so wonderful hearing from all of you, both the pragmatic side of it as well as the feeling of completeness with your family. I've recently been afraid that, being a single mom, DD would get very close to me and not have any siblings to bond with, but as some of you have pointed out, siblings are a mixed blessing, you may not bond with yours and goodness knows I've seen enough adult siblings who fight all the time.
Thank you all so very much for sharing!

[TracyBee]

We are most likely stopping at just one. The main reason why I'm comfortable with this decision is how close we 3 are. We all go everywhere together - inlcuding ballet class, out to dinner, grocery shopping, everywhere. It's nice to not be torn apart - DH taking one child here and me taking the other somewhere else.

Another reason is that we are able to afford one very comfortably. We can do basically anything we want to entertainment wise - we go out to dinner frequently and there is hardly a kid-oriented concert, event or show that comes to town that we do not go to. We save for our own retirement and college education for DD through a 529 each and every month.

Another reason is that I'm not particularly close with my brother - despite the fact that we are less than 2 years apart. I'm actually closer to my 1/2 sister who is 11 years older than me.

Finally, I work full-time and DH works at home. When DD is not at preschool (she goes 4 times per week 5 hours per day) DH is the primary caretaker for her and he's done with one. I want to respect his decision and not force him into something he doesn't have his full heart into. He's terrific with DD and spends an enormous amount of time with her. With everything else he does (we own a business, he has a part-time job at the firm I work for and we're starting another business)another child would be just too much. We have a delicate balance going right now and I really don't want to tip it.

[MissyAg94]

Hi Marilee,

Just wanted to share that my dad had ALS and I know it is a very tough road. I am always sorry to hear that anyone else is facing it. If I can ever offer you any kind of support please let me know.

[mommy111]

Beth, thank you for the input. Sometimes its just so easy to see what other people have in terms of family size and think that is the 'perfect' size, when our little family may be just perfect with 2. Good luck with your TTC efforts and I hope whatever happens, its what's best for you and your little family!

[mommy111]

Completely makes sense, that's exactly how I feel, the desire to have more children is driven mainly by guilt at DD's 'only' status.

[mommy111]

Corie, that's exactly it, the guilt about DD being lonely and alone, esp if something were to happen to me, and the burden that would place on her.

[mommy111]

I was trying to respond to everyone who took the time to share and out in their very personal reasons, and then got overwhelmed (I get overwhelmed easily :) )
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You ladies are fabulous as always. I've gotten some great ideas about 'expanding' our little family by close friends and cousins, so that only children don't have to feel alone.
Thank you all so much again!

[mommy111]

Marilee, I can only imagine how hard it must be to deal with the ALS, but what a blessing that your little boy is healthy!

[Fairy]

Being an only child is not the end of the world. As long as there are people in this world that love you, then why is it so important that one of them come from the same parents that you did? As an only child, I am more independent than any of my other friends. No one else I know lived in an apartment without a roommate, and for some of them it was cuz they were afraid to be by themselves. For some people, having one child is a decision. For others they have no choice. Sure, it's nice to have siblings. But it's also nice not to. No fighting over toys, no fighting over the last cookie, no hand-me-downs, more $$ for the one, rather than having to share it among many (let's be honest), more $$ for college, more independence because you're forced to entertain yourself or find your own entertainment. And I'd venture to say that being an only child can make you a more creative person because that's your every-day life, creating. Don't be sad for your child; they have pros and cons in only childhood, sure, just as there would be other pros and cons if they had a sibling.

[MissyAg94]

Thanks for asking this! We are trying to decide right now if we should have another. My DH is sure he wants one and I am waivering. Such a big decision! I sometimes think that I am lucky to have one healthy child and am not sure that I want to rock the boat, so to speak.