*long*...Need help please...it’s time to make a decision SAHM/WOHM.

[Clarity]

and neither side is winning…I don’t know what to do and I’d really appreciate some advice from BTDT moms.
A bit of background, I am a program manager/midlevel administrator. I’m well regarded at work and I created the office and program that I currently administer. I enjoy my work and am good at what I do. Pre-birth of my dd, I fully intended to return to my position. I’ve taken 4 months maternity leave, and then returned to work for three months at 27 hours a week. This adjusted leave is over February 14. I am supposed to return to work full-time and I find I don’t want to, I can’t. I need and want to be with my child more than allowed by a 40 hour work week. I’ve spoken to my supervisor and I cannot remain at a reduced schedule because they need to “protect the line� – the full time position.
With that, I decided that in February, I would leave my position to be a SAHM. My reasoning - I have my dh’s support if I decide I need to leave my position.

Now for my whine….I really don’t want to leave my job, but I want to be home a little more with my child….I guess I want my cake and eat it too. My boss has offered to try and work with me, to use my leave/vacation time so that I can leave a bit early, say 4:00 instead of 5:00. This is very nice of her, but I don’t have enough leave/vacation time to get me beyond a month or two – I used it all for my maternity leave!!

I’m very afraid. I’m afraid if I leave my position, I won’t find as good a job when I return to the work force in 3-5 years. I don’t want to SAHM forever. I’m afraid of not having the security of my own job and paycheck. I’m afraid I won’t like being at home 24/7. I feel a bit lost thinking of not being part of my dysfunctional work family and not continuing to grow my career and the program I run.

On the other hand, I love being with my dd. She’s just 7 months old, and I’ve not gotten enough of her yet! I loved being home with her for the first four months. She’s only little once, I want to be there as much as I can. I feel like I have a better chance at finding a more flexible position than I do at making more time magically appear in the day. And, while she loves daycare and I think it’s great for her, I don’t want her there full time. (no offense please, these are just my own thoughts and I know and respect others needs and opinions) I’d also like to have one more, probably two years apart, which puts me on maternity leave again next year. With two children, daycare costs will eat up over 1/3 of my paycheck, perhaps more. Is it worth that?

I just feel so overwhelmed and lost. I didn’t know this decision would be the hardest part of having a child.

[almostamom]

I've said this before, but I think it's worth repeating. Some of us are better mothers because we stay at home while some of us are better mothers because we work. I was a teacher for more than 10 years before my son was born. I absolutely loved my job, loved my students, and loved going to work. I'm still in contact with many of my former students. Being a teacher was a huge part of my identity. I haven't worked a day since DS was born 2 years ago and I've never regretted it. Technically, I'm still on a leave of absence. I have another few years before I must go back to the school district or resign. It took a few months for me to get used to being at home. We've had to change our lifestyle for me to be a SAHM, but there's nothing we've cut out of the budget that was worth me not staying home. I just couldn't imagine not spending my days with my little guy. I also knew though, that I would most likely only have one child. I waited a long time to have him and I didn't want to miss a minute.

In 3-5 years there may or may not be a great job available, but your DD will never be a baby again. You've got to do whatever will make you happiest, but from your post it really seems like in your heart you want to be a SAHM. I know there are many moms on this board who are WOHM or WAHM and they can tell you all the wonderful reasons why continuing to work would be a great choice. Best of luck as you make your decision - it is such a hard one.

Hugs,
Linda

[megs4413]

I feel like
>I have a better chance at finding a more flexible position
>than I do at making more time magically appear in the day.
>And, while she loves daycare and I think it’s great for her,
>I don’t want her there full time. (no offense please, these
>are just my own thoughts and I know and respect others needs
>and opinions) I’d also like to have one more, probably two
>years apart, which puts me on maternity leave again next year.
> With two children, daycare costs will eat up over 1/3 of my
>paycheck, perhaps more. Is it worth that?


i thought this was key in what you were saying....i know your current position is what you would prefer, but maybe you could find a position that was more 20-30 hours a week instead? i can't imagine trying to put two through daycare financially....it just wouldnt' seem worth it anymore....but i've never worked since becoming a mom so i have nothign to base that off of. i wish we could have it all! i hope you find a solution that works for your family!!!!!

ETA:
I want to add that you shouldn't let your fear of "failing" as a stay at home mom, keep you from trying. I think all of us feel like failures at one time or another, but trust me....it's been worth it for us! I'm so glad we were able to do it.

[maestramommy]

>I've said this before, but I think it's worth repeating.
>Some of us are better mothers because we stay at home while
>some of us are better mothers because we work.

>In 3-5 years there may or may not be a great job available,
>but your DD will never be a baby again. You've got to do
>whatever will make you happiest, but from your post it really
>seems like in your heart you want to be a SAHM. I know there
>are many moms on this board who are WOHM or WAHM and they can
>tell you all the wonderful reasons why continuing to work
>would be a great choice. Best of luck as you make your
>decision - it is such a hard one.

What she said. I had 8 wonderful years as a teacher, and I've never regretted leaving for one second, and I had to resign, I'm not on leave. My paycheck situation would be similar to yours. At least half of it would go to daycare, that's for one child.

I also know I would NOT be a better mother if I went back to work. That is not true for every woman.

[KBecks]

OK. If you SAH, then maybe consider consulting or just doing something very part time so you keep up on your skills. Maybe networking or whatever.

I feel confident that the job market will be good in a few years due to demographic trends. But you should make an effort to stay in touch with people so you still have references, etc. etc.

Being a SAHM is sometimes boring and lonely. I recommend that you join a Moms club, find a playgroup or do classes or something so you get out and find some mommy friends.

Good luck!

[MarisaSF]

I was in very similar shoes a few years ago. Your job even sounds like mine -- started the program I was running, career is/was a big part of my identity, etc. I returned PT after 3 months. Ultimately, I had to move away from the area, so that made the decision to become a SAHM convenient, but not easy. I still want to return to work, just haven't found the right opportunity yet. Ideally, I would like to work PT while my children are growing up.

Is there a way for you to do this: return to work FT for now while looking for a similar PT position? OR, would your boss be open to bringing in another PT person to work jointly with you? I did that after DD was born; I basically promoted one of my employees to do parts of my job and she ultimately took over when I left. You just seem so conflicted (or maybe I'm simply projecting :)), and I would be concerned that you'd regret totally leaving without exploring all options and/or seeing how working FT would be for a bit.

As for the price of childcare, quality of life is not just determined by how much money you make/have. You need to be happy. My PT salary just barely covered DD's PT childcare; we may have even been in the hole there, but it can't just be a financial decision, IMO. We were poor, but happy. :)

I have to say that my SAHM life has been fun and mostly rewarding. My SAHM friends are all really interesting, smart, and fun. The key is to find a group that you can click with and rely on. Best wishes on this tough decision. I'll be following your updates! :)

[Clarity]

>I've said this before, but I think it's worth repeating.
>Some of us are better mothers because we stay at home while
>some of us are better mothers because we work.

Truthfully, I haven't figured out which I am yet. But you are right, my heart is home with my child - my head is at work putting the paycheck in the bank, putting money in my dd's college fund, and saving for retirement.

Criminey, I'm terrible when faced with choices - it takes me 15 minutes to pick out a toothbrush at Target for goodness sake. And this is perhaps the biggest decision I've ever faced to date. I could be here awhile. LOL Thanks for the input.

[Clarity]

These are definitely options I will consider if I SAH. I'm also hoping that my good record at work will help me if I end up back there in a few years looking for work. Or, perhaps I'll go a different route. This decision has led me to think that I should think about advocacy of some kind. Working parents need more voice!
Thanks for the suggestions!

[MarisaSF]

>my heart is home with my child - my head is at work
>putting the paycheck in the bank, putting money in my dd's
>college fund, and saving for retirement.
>
Are you certain that a part of your heart isn't at work too? Mine was.

[smkinc]

I work PT and LOVE it--it has been a bit of a battle to be a respected part time employee, but my situation works for both me and (now) my employer. Is it clear to your employer that if you cannot continue in a part time position you will leave?? You may have an opportunity to break some ground to make part time employment an acceptable alternative at your place of employment.

This became the case in my situation as it became clear to my employer that part-time competence was much preferable to full time incompetence. I and another PT employee are easily the most productive members of my bosses staff--1. because we're good at what we do and 2. because we haven't sought promotional opportunities because we want to stay PT. You, probably even PT, are probably better at your job than anyone else they could hire?

I will say that my decision was more financially based at the time, I love having extra time with my son and I've found that as he's gotten older, in some ways I want to spend more time with him not less. Although also as he's gotten older I'm glad I'm in the position I'm in (great PT job). If you're conflicted, this may be something to push for??

HTH,
Mary

[ribbit1019]

Here is what I've been through, take it FWIW. :)

When DD was born I was off with her for the first 4 months. I then went back to work full time and was miserable. Though we differ there I didn't like my job, it paid the bills (free childcare from MIL).

Then I became pregnant with DS, I worked FT until 1 week before he was born. I didn't go back and was a SAHM mom for 7 months. I wasn't quite happy doing that either, I went days without showering and any adult that happened to look friendly I would talk to until they were nearly running away, lol. This was my fault for not seeking out other parents/playgroups. (It seems so daunting though, still does.)

I went back to work PT when DS was 7 mos. I found a job at night so I am still home with them during the day and 3 full days (working 26 hours). The kids are not in day care at all. The idea was that I would only miss them while they were sleeping.

I am much much happier now. If I could change one thing, it would only be to have my almost 11 month old think it is not so cool to wake up at 1am, or 4 am depending on the night, to hang out with mommy until it is daylight out. I am very tired and need him on a better schedule. Hence my post at 3:41 am.

It sounds like you have a lot of factors to consider. I agree with the PPs she is only little once. There may be another (maybe even better!) job out there once you decide it is time to go back.

GL!

Christy
Wife to Richard
My Waterbabies
http://lilypie.com/pic/060928/Yw0w.jpg http://b3.lilypie.com/H-lkm5.png
http://lilypie.com/pic/060928/iBmU.jpg http://bf.lilypie.com/tkq-m5.png
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/steitzsmith/Other/jump.gif

[Clarity]

Yes, yes. You're right, part of my heart is there too. My program is my other baby. It's hard to leave something I've put so much time and energy into. I often feel like I'm not done there yet, which is why I have such conflict. A friend told me that there is a grieving process in leaving a career behind and I can see how that would be so.
And, I asked my supervisor about job sharing or flex time or some option and we just don't have that type of thing at our institution. It's a union environment, so simply making that happen isn't really an option either.
And, I think you're right, I'm definitely going to try full-time for awhile because I do think it's important to find out exactly what my limits are, and I can't know that unless I try. I also agree with you about the money vs quality of life, and it's similar to the advice I gave a SAH friend of mine who wanted to return to work, b/c she doesn't enjoy being a SAHM. Thanks for the suggestions, it's nice finding someone who has BTDT with a similar situation.

[Clarity]

Part time is definitely what I want, I just can't have it with my current position. Hmm...that makes it seem easy, doesn't it? But when I think about my current job and all the exciting things that are happening I get all jammed up again! Oh, gosh. I need medicated. LOL
Thanks for sharing!