I need some positive vibes - Pls tell me what's great about an only child

[hudsonam]

After further research into taking Zoloft while pg, I'm a little less optimistic that we will choose to get pregnant again unless I go off the meds first. The increased risk of Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension (6 times more likely, according to a study that the FDA cited) if the mother took an SSRI late in pregnancy is too much for me to take a chance (although I truly don't fault anyone for deciding to stay on the meds while pg), and definitely not something I can hide from DH, who is even more worried about me being on the meds while pg then I am/was. I know as soon as I tell him that, he'll say 'no way.'

In the event that I can't wean myself off the meds and we choose to stop at one child, please tell me about all the positives associated with having only one child. I would absolutely love to have another baby, but in case it isn't in the cards for us, I need some "silver lining" feedback from you wonderful ladies and gents. TIA!

[julieakc]

Here's my list of pros for having an only (some comes from the perspective of having been an only child):

- no sibling rilvary
- you always know who did what (no pointing fingers/blaming siblings)
- no sibling fights to break up
- easier to pick up and go places
- only children get everything new (no hand-me-downs from older siblings); obviously everything might not be new if you shop consignment sales, craigslist, etc....but it's still new to the child without feeling like they're getting big brother/big sister's leftovers
- family outings/vacations are cheaper (only one child to buy plane ticket, meals, admission for)
- more one-on-one attention from parents

Hope this helps. I think with all things there are pros and cons, and so it comes down to what works best for you and your family. Another pro for you I think, which cannot be taken lightly, is your own health - a happy mom is a better mom.

Good luck.

[Jenn98]

I have two daughters, but I wanted to chime in and say that you shouldn't feel bad for only having one bio child. There are many benefits to having one, two, three, etc.! And if you really wanted another child you could always consider adoption. Good luck in your decision making process! (((hugs))))

[lizajane]

i have heard some information that the risk of taking an SSRI in late pregnancy is associated with those who START taking it in late pregnancy, not those who have taken it all along.

my pschy. is very comfortable with meds during pregnancy and she is currently pregnant with her second. i feel confident in her advice.

it is possible.

:)

[wendmatt]

I totally understand how you feel. I REALLY wanted a second child but it's just not happened for us and now DH has decided we're not trying any more as he's 44 and feels too old. It's taken a while for me to accept but I think now it's good for us. DD doesn't know any different so I guess that's a good thing! It's certainly easier with one child, we can afford to get stuff for just one (like another expensive car seat for each car) tickets to go and do stuff. If money is not an issue for you, they are not good reasons I suppose.
It's been a struggle for me to accept just having one but I do think now it really is best for our family. DH suffers from depression and has finally been doing really well on his meds and that's a good reason for us not to rock the boat with another baby.
I don't struggle to get things done like my friends with 2+ children. There are lots of good reasons to have one and lots of reasons for more, it really is what's right for your family. I've done lots of reading about it as I've felt so guilty about DD being an only child and have come to the conclusion that she'll be just fine! Hopefully she'll have good friends she can talk to about her crazy old parents when we get old!
I'm not sure if I've helped at all but just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel and you will be fine if you just have one and your child will be fine too. You just have to go out for playdates alot and don't have a built in one at home! Plus there's no guarantee they would get along, my best friend hated (not a nice word but one she uses) her sister growing up and hasn't spoken to her since she was 17.

[hudsonam]

Thank you all for your kind words. I do plan to talk to my various doctors (OB, psych, pediatrician) about it before I completely rule it out, but I think I am more open to being on the meds while pg then my DH, and I know I can't force him if he's really against it. And maybe I'll be able to go off the meds and this won't be an issue at all. I know I had some anxiety issues before I got pg with my DS, and I felt great throughout my pregnancy. And for the first time since going on the meds almost a year ago, I don't cringe at the thought of going off. I finally feel like it might be possible, but that could just be the meds working well, and if I go off, I'll have the same problems, so that's yet to be seen.

I always wanted to have at least 3 kids. Then we had DS and I had all the anxiety issues, and I thought we'd definitely be stopping at 1. But now that I'm doing better, I would love to have at least one more. (We'd probably stick to just 2 for financial reasons). It doesn't help when you hear things from your families like, "You have to have another one. It's not fair to DS." I know they don't know about the meds issue, but it makes you think, will I be depriving my child if he doesn't have a sibling? Luckily we are close to my SILs and they each have 3 kids, and one of my nephews is only a year younger then DS, so hopefully they'll be close. I'm not too worried about having an only, but it's definitely not what I'd planned.

Thanks again for your advice and kind words. :)

[SnuggleBuggles]

I haven't read the other replies as I already knew what I was going to say last night had the boards not been so painfully slow!

First, I think it would be ok if you need to be a bit sad/ disappointed about not being able to have another but don't forget that you have a little one that loves you. :) Make sure they grow up knowing they are enough for you and that you have a small but happy family. :)

There are lots of practical things...easier/ cheaper to find child care for just one; trips will be more affordable so there will be more chances for you to show dc the world; college will be an easier to afford and hopefully not put anyone into too much debt; you can stay in a nice, fuel efficient car rather than big SUV or minivan; you won't have to buy a bigger house; you won't spend endless days car pooling and being torn in many directions while each kid is doing a different activity; you'll have more time together as a family since there won't be so many people to coordinate; you won't be torn in many directions at like an amusement park when one kid is too old for somethings but the younger wants to be there; you'll have more personal time; more time for dates; and just general financial things as there is only one child to feed, dress and keep safe.

Then there is the sibling issue...my brother and sister have not spoken in 7 years (my wedding) and before that it had been probably another 7. There just aren't any guarantees what a sibling relationship will be like. It's one thing to want to parent multiple children but to have kids so the other can have a sibling doesn't always pan out. What can work is if an only finds a really good friend. My sibs are so much older than me that I was practically an only. But, my best friend and I did everything together including trips, family dinners and all that good stuff. I am still closer to her than my siblings. (And a beauty of the friend vs a sibling is that they get a break from each other and you don't always have to pay for the friend.)

If we don't have another I really will be ok with just one. I love my little family. There really are good things about just having one. I am sorry that the choice may be made for you though as it is probably best to choose family size for yourself. Take care!

Beth

[Fairy]

Being an only child and the mother of a very likely only child, there is nothing that bothers me more than when I hear someone say that I "should" have another child and when people say it's cruel to have only one child. I'm here to second everything everyone else has said, plus give you my view:

GREAT THINGS ABOUT ONLY CHILDHOOD
* Extremely independent; learn to be by themselves and don't think of it as a hardship
* Can become more creative people because they've learned to create fun for themselves when they are in situations where they are by themselves
* Financially, you only have one child to put thru college, buy a car (or not) for, outfit with computers and gadgets, etc.
* Sibling issues are non-existent
* Fewer inferiority issues because there are no sibling shadows cast over them to live up to. Not saying there may not be others, like cousins or friends or their parents, but alot of confidence in oneself because you're all you have to compare yourself to
* I also agree with the no hand-me-downs thing. Very cool, that.
* Less of the Mom Taxi. One kid, one set of kids activities, never having to miss one kid's activities cuz their brother had something at the same time.
* Quite frankly, parents can devote all their attn to the one child.

I hope that if you decide to have another child that all goes very well for you and for them! If you end up with an only child, know that lots of us are out there, and it's ok. Good luck!

-- Fairy

[SnuggleBuggles]

To add on to that last comment- there are a lot of us out there. :) There is even a whole Baby Center board devoted to parents of onlies and I remember it being a very nice place where you could meet up with other parents who made that parenting decision (or had it made for them).

Beth

[Bean606]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. But, I am an only, and I loved it, and I know lots of other onlies you are perfectly happy. The good things are that onlies seem to be high achievers, and very mature. I think it is from hanging out with adults most of the time. I loved having my parents' undivided attention when they were with me, especially since my dad worked all the time. Also, there was no one to fight with, so life at home was pretty peaceful. It is only as an adult that I am sorry I don't have a sibling with whom to share family crises, but that isn't a reason to have more kids.

[Bean606]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. But, I am an only, and I loved it, and I know lots of other onlies you are perfectly happy. The good things are that onlies seem to be high achievers, and very mature. I think it is from hanging out with adults most of the time. I loved having my parents' undivided attention when they were with me, especially since my dad worked all the time. Also, there was no one to fight with, so life at home was pretty peaceful. It is only as an adult that I am sorry I don't have a sibling with whom to share family crises, but that isn't a reason to have more kids.

[hudsonam]

Thank you all so much for your feedback. You're almost making me think I might *want* an only. :) Which, as I said, at one time that's all we thought we'd be having.

Both my DH and I are much younger then our siblings, so we too felt almost like onlies, and I still do, since I'm not close with my brothers. We *are* close to my SILs though, but hopefully because of that, DS will be close with his cousins as well.

Thank you again!

[JoyNChrist]

Christmas rocks when you're an only!

I loved growing up as an only child. Now that I'm grown-up, I sometimes wish I had siblings, but I'm close to several of my cousins and I feel like that's even better, in some ways.

One bit of advice - my mom says she was always really careful to maintain a great relationship with me, since I was the only one who'd be taking care of her in her old age! :-)

[smkinc]

Just wanted to add that I am the youngest of five and loved being in a big family. I always thought I'd have more than 1. We adopted DS#1 after multiple MC and I am so grateful to have him in our life. I love our little family. We are in the process of adopting a 2nd, but have pretty much decided that if it doesn't work out w/i the next year we'll just stick with the three of us. Do I think this is 'worse' than the childhood I had--NO! It's just different both experiences have their pros and cons.

I think it is perfectly normal to mourn a part of your life that doesn't turn out the way you planned. I also believe your #1 priority to your son is to be the healthiest Mom you can be, that trumps having a sibling anyday!

Mary
Mom to J. Feb. '03
Homestudy complete for #2, now just waiting

[hudsonam]

I can't thank you all enough. And one thing's for sure - DS will never want for our love and attention, and he will never, ever think we aren't happy with our little family. :)

[kekane]

One more only child chiming in here! I had a pretty happy childhood, and don't feel at all deprived on that count. I'm sure there are advantages and disadvantages to both family situations.

I'd say it's far more important to have a mentally healthy mom than a sibling you may or may not be close to.

But if you want to wean yourself of the meds cause you just really want another -- and forgive me if this is too much advice, or you've heard it all before -- you might want to try a cognative-behavioral therapy/therapist (Robert Burns "Feeling Good" is a classic, despite the pop-psych sounding title) and/or mindfulness meditation if you're grapling with anxiety more than depression (Jon Kabatt Zinn books/cds are a great) and see if that gets you to place where you feel comfortable going off.

[redhead72]

It is extremely common for women to use SSRI's in pregnancy. I'm an epidemiologist, so I do know that the individual experiences aren't a very good form of evidence, but I was on citalopram for both my pregnancies. Neither my OB nor my psychiatrist was overly concerned (my OB not at all) - certainly not enough to suggest that it was better not to have children. I also work in the psychiatry department at a major medical school (I'm a Ph.D., not an MD), and none of the MDs here would caution a woman against getting pg while on an SSRI. It's not that there is no possible risk, but the risks are not great. PPHN may be six times more likely, but it still isn't very likely (<.1% in the general population, which includes infants of women on SSRIs - I don't have time to look up incidence in both populations separately), and more than half of infants with it recover with no problems. The chance that there is going to be something else wrong with your baby (e.g., congenital malformation, Down Syndrome) is a lot higher than that even if you are not on any meds - especially if you are older mother.

Furthermore, I'd like to echo a PP and say that drugs are not the only way to treat depression and anxiety. Therapy, especially CBT, has been found to be just as effective (CBT combined with drugs is most effective). I did both, myself.

HTH,

Alix

[Melanie]

I will never have an unstable sibling mooching off of me and ruining holiday dinners. ;-)